Husband won’t go to sister’s wedding without my stepchild

[TheOriginalGilmoregirl]

Just in a mess over something that should be joyful.

Happily married for 8 years. Child going into Reception. Stepchild early secondary.

Husband and ex have excellent Co parenting relationship. It was never 50:50 as husband worked away and now works away a lot less but stepchild obviously has a life with shows and dance classes etc. so comes regularly but not as often as they did say pre-covid.

My parents were always pleasant but rarely saw them to form a relationship. Husband asked if stepchild could be included in holiday and offered to pay, my parents insisted on paying and had a reasonable time. Stepchild and our child have birthdays a couple of weeks apart and when my child was two requested that my parents not be invited for a joint meal as they don’t bring a present for stepchild. Both children would have had parties with friends and stepchild with their mother.

So my actual AIBU. My sister is getting married, usual wedding, parents on each side paying third, they’re paying third. I am chief bridesmaid, daughter flower girl. Massively excited, involved in everything. Looking forward to seeing cousins and staying in hotel and then going away with cousins and our kids.
My stepchild is not invited. I was not shocked, my sister barely knows them and BiL has never met them. They will be spending the week before solely with their Dad and week before that with all of us. The weekend of the wedding back with mum.
My husband has declined his invitation because stepchild is not invited. I said they wouldn’t be around that weekend. He said ex would happily give them the time as has happened in the past.

My sister just won’t invite them when I asked as they could be with mother. Both she and BiL feel that husband is being weird about it and won’t budge.

Not normal or healthy for the child who doesn't even get celebrated at her own birthday party because she isn't blood.

It always suprises me how much disdain there can be for a child who had no choice in the matter. You think it is healthy that they exclude her at her own party, that since she is a stepchild she shouldn't even be given gifts or celebrated and should be ignored while they celebrate and gift the blood child.

I guess I will never understand that distinction that so many think it is perfectly fine to treat a child badly because she isn't blood. To me it isn't normal or healthy, to you and others it is.

My eldest isn't my dh's bio child. Dh has been in his life since he was 3.

My husband's family have ALWAYS treated him exactly the same as any biological family member. Because they are great people.

On top of all that, my ex's family have always been great with mine and dh's children. Because they are great people too.

This is as it should be.

Btw I asked dh (who grew up in multiple blended families - his mum and dad both had multiple marriages). He said your dh is 'bang on' with his decision.

Wow this is really sad. We aren't talking a newish relationship. We are talking 8 years of marriage and (presumably) 10/ 11 years together? So since the child was a baby/ toddler. How sad that you don't see them as part of your family. I also think it's strange that your parents don't buy them a present for their birthday. I can't imagine ever excluding a child in this way. Your family are being unreasonable and if I'm being honest, I'd be questioning my relationship with them.

When was the last time you went to a child’s birthday party and didn’t get that child a present?

My nephew shares a birthday with his cousin on the maternal side - so no blood relation to me. They’ve had some joint birthdays and without exception every single member of my family will also get a present for the cousin. Because we’re not dicks who deliberately exclude a child to make a point about them not being “family”

I don’t envisage my sibling inviting my step children to their wedding, whenever I’m the future that might be. They might be part of my family unit, but they’re not part of theirs.

Your evidence for this from one post is?

Especially as the op said they have an 'excellent co parenting relationship'.

I think your sister is being unreasonable and I would do the same if I was your hubby. I also think it is unreasonable that your parents would bring a birthday present for your child and not your stepchild. Step child has been in your life for over 8 years! I think this is so sad for the stepchild, it’s like they are an outcast.

If it were my wedding, I wouldn’t dream of not inviting the step child of a long standing marriage - but then in my family, I would know the child after 8 years.

that said, the OP has chosen to marry a man with a child. Her sister hasn’t. I don’t think the obligation on the OP’s family regarding the step child is the same as that of OP who chose to take on the responsibility. I can see why she wouldn’t see a step niece/nephew she hardly knows as equal to her biological niece. The OP’s choice to marry a man with a child doesn’t impose obligations on her family. I think the sister should invite the child but I don’t agree she has to consider the child family if she barely knows them.

Your family sound horrible.

But OP's parents know both kids...

Bizarrely petty behaviour to buy a present for one birthday child but not the other when attending their joint celebration.

I side with you DH - how bloody mean - your step daughter is part of the family

Well done your dh. Shame you couldn't have stood up for your stepdd though.

Although, these threads show how some step children are regarded and treated, it is heartening how many posters come on to say that it's not like that in their family.

The non-bio kids in my family are very much loved too.

That is pretty awful to be honest, as someone who was ‘the step child’ i would have felt absolutely awful and worthless if this happened to me.

My husband's sister didn't invite my son (DHs stepson) to her wedding. He was going to ask but I didn't think he should have to beg for an invite and I wouldn't want my son around people who clearly don't want him there so I refused my invite. DH didn't go either, his own choice.
I'm on your husbands side, dickhead behaviour to exclude your stepson.

Your sister and BIL are the twats.

I think your DH is right on this too. It's YOUR stepchild - they haven't invited.

@saffronsoup I'm not defending them not bringing her a gift at her birthday party, that's not polite regardless of your relationship to the child.

But the wedding is a separate issue. And what I am defending is not having a relationship with them where you or they feel they should be invited to your wedding. That is what I am saying can be healthy and normal.

We have done the same for the stepchild in our family and she was always counted as one of the gc. A gift at Christmas and birthday, it just takes a bit of thought. Awful that the child themselves had to object to the joint meal and incredible to me that the GPs could be so insensitive knowing the sc also had a birthday around the same time. Can't get my head around that. Maybe they had an issue with your dh having a child before you OP? Anyway your DH is NBU.

And how much work has the kid's father done to create a relationship with them?

"It was never 50:50 as husband worked away and now works away a lot less but stepchild obviously has a life with shows and dance classes etc. so comes regularly but not as often as they did say pre-covid."

I wonder how much time he spent with his child, let alone how much time he spent taking his child to socialise with his wife's family.

I would feel very differently if the child had lived with the OP and her DH 50% of the time and they'd tried to bring the child to family gatherings on both sides.

If you have a blended family, you have to, you know, actually do some blending. Not expect everyone to automatically have a relationship.

I don't think a wedding is the time to solve this either.

They should have helped facilitate a bond with the OP's family a long time ago, such that the OP's sister would have wanted to invite the child, and it would have felt natural, rather than created this big fat argument.

This. My relatives don’t have a close relationship with DSS, they rarely see him. There’s no bad blood, I don’t think DSS is remotely bothered about it, he’s got plenty of his own relatives

I'm a stepchild. I dont consider my step dad's family to be my family. Why should they be?. I hardly saw them. Mind you he hardly saw them either. I have my own family. My DH is also a step dad to my now grown up DC. He came in to their lives when they were teenagers. My dc don't consider his family their family. They are polite when they see them but they don't know them
They have greay relayionships with theor blood grandparents. .
I also have half siblings..... I don't know any of their family, eg their atep parent or other half siblings . It doesn't bother me in the slightest. My family consists of my parents grandparents and my dc.
Not everyone lives in a family where everyone is so close. Some of us don't want that.
Mind you if I was going anywhere where there was a child with a birthday, I would bring a token gift. That's just basic manners

There was some MN nonsense last week when a poster suggested that a step child should be invited to practically every family occasion, no matter how distant the relationship, just because they’re (distant) family. Interestingly the same principle didn’t apply to bio children. It was the first time I’d heard someone insist step-cousins be included …

This is awful and I'm with DH on this, I've a step dad who went on to have a child with my mum,his parents are grandma and grandpa! Step dad is Grandad to my children and never have they ever left us out,had they done that my mum wouldn't of married him! She's your DD sister! Your SD she's apart of YOUR family!