Husband won’t go to sister’s wedding without my stepchild

[TheOriginalGilmoregirl]

Just in a mess over something that should be joyful.

Happily married for 8 years. Child going into Reception. Stepchild early secondary.

Husband and ex have excellent Co parenting relationship. It was never 50:50 as husband worked away and now works away a lot less but stepchild obviously has a life with shows and dance classes etc. so comes regularly but not as often as they did say pre-covid.

My parents were always pleasant but rarely saw them to form a relationship. Husband asked if stepchild could be included in holiday and offered to pay, my parents insisted on paying and had a reasonable time. Stepchild and our child have birthdays a couple of weeks apart and when my child was two requested that my parents not be invited for a joint meal as they don’t bring a present for stepchild. Both children would have had parties with friends and stepchild with their mother.

So my actual AIBU. My sister is getting married, usual wedding, parents on each side paying third, they’re paying third. I am chief bridesmaid, daughter flower girl. Massively excited, involved in everything. Looking forward to seeing cousins and staying in hotel and then going away with cousins and our kids.
My stepchild is not invited. I was not shocked, my sister barely knows them and BiL has never met them. They will be spending the week before solely with their Dad and week before that with all of us. The weekend of the wedding back with mum.
My husband has declined his invitation because stepchild is not invited. I said they wouldn’t be around that weekend. He said ex would happily give them the time as has happened in the past.

My sister just won’t invite them when I asked as they could be with mother. Both she and BiL feel that husband is being weird about it and won’t budge.

Quite disgusted by how many nasty people there are. If anything happens to DH I definitely won’t be dating again for fear of my child being excluded so horribly by a new partner and their family. Why do people marry people with children if they obviously don’t want them included in the family unit? It’s really bizarre.

I have 2 grandchildren and last year my son married a woman with 2 children. I don’t see a lot of the stepchildren, but I consider them family. I bought them gifts for their birthdays and they came to my house for Christmas dinner. There is no way I would let them just sit there and watch as my dgs opened all their presents, so they all got 2 or 3 presents as well, plus the usual sweets etc.

I have to be honest, in that my blood dgcs are my priority, so whilst I gave them all the same number of gifts (and of similar value), my blood dgcs received money as well, but this was done privately.

To be honest, I think the OP’s family is disgusting, treating their step dgc like this and I wholeheartedly agree with her dh. If I had been put in this position, I would seriously consider not going to my ds’s wedding. However, it seems like the OP also doesn’t consider her stepchild family, allowing her dp’s and ds to treat them as an outsider and just accepting this.

I am actually surprised that her marriage has lasted, as I know I couldn’t be with someone who obviously wasn’t interested in my children being integrated into the family and allows them to be left out of special occasions.

That's so crazy. It's their daughter's stepchild. No relationship? WTF? How cold must you be to think like that?

You sound like a lovely grandma!! I also cannot imagine excluding children just because they ‘aren’t blood related.’ After all, my husbands nieces and nephews aren’t my blood relations and I wouldn’t exclude them or treat them so horribly. I’m also shocked their marriage has lasted as I wouldn’t put up with OP or her family.

Her family is not HIS family either.

If they split he is not going to get invited to weddings and family dinners, he is basically her +1 due to their relationship.

HER family do not need to invite anyone in HIS family... they don't know each other and are NOT family.

Your DH is doing the right thing and it's pretty awful behaviour by your sister and your family.

Your stepchild should have been invited and i would have made the same decision as your husband

I don’t expect you to care what I think, and nor did I give the impression that you did 🤷🏻‍♀️

I have a relationship with my in laws, sure. Well, some of them anyway. There’s plenty of people i’m related to by marriage that I have little or no relationship with, and the same applies to some people I’m related to by blood. My sibling’s stepchild is just that - their stepchild. I’ll be kind on the rare occasion I see them, but I see no need to pretend that I’m their aunt when I’m not.

What are you basing your belief as to what ‘the norm’ is on exactly? Because this thread quite clearly demonstrates that different posters have very different concepts of what ‘the norm’ is.

Another that thinks you have a shitty family. His child IS part of the family. Of course they should be invited. Your DH must be really hurt

You don't sound very involved with the sC either otherwise you would be annoyed about it too

Your husband is putting his child first. Good for him.
Your sister sounds horrible to exclude a child.

Her DH feels his daughter should be invited, he sees his daughter as part of the family and not as an excluded unit that is not family. He doesn't see his family as his wife and shared child only, he sees both of his children as his family. So when his family is invited to a wedding, he expects both his kids to be invited, not just 3 out of 4. Regardless of Op or anyone else saying the child isn't family and should be excluded from all events that don't have blood relatives, Dh feels differently. He isn't blood either, yet he is invited.

She is his family, but she isn't theirs. "His" whole family haven't been invited for his sake, their niece and sister have been invited, and he is essentially her plus one.

It's not about being close or bonds, it's about inviting family units and by excluding a member of YOUR family unit, someone else is defining your family, incredibly bad manners. You invite family units or no-one at all 🤷‍♀️

I don't blame your husband for not wanting to go

Completely with your husband on this. Your family are arseholes and your letting them get away with this awful behaviour. If I were in your position, I would decline the wedding too. There's no way I would go if my step child wasn't included

Sounds to me like DH doesn't do much with his DD, then tries to score points when others don't do as he wants.

I see this in the same way you would invite a person's partner, whether you were close with the partner or not. It's about recognising the "unit". In this case, as its a family wedding I find it out your SC has been excluded and I can see your husbands point.

But they don’t have a relationship with the step kids!

They should create one obviously if they're in any way decent human beings.

@RedSkiesandAllies Well I can't see that your comments are much help either, as from my perspective, I see a probably perfectly decent person like OP being treated like absolute crap by posters such as yourself for living a life that is actually pretty normal and healthy for all involved and simply does not, whatever you have convinced yourself in flagrant disregard for all the first hand accounts showing the opposite, always involve a stepchild that is in any way upset.

I am one of few people here not attacking someone and probably pushing them into a state of unhappiness and possibly resentment in their situation. I actually do know what might help a step mother go about their role with a positive attitude. And it sure isn't speaking to them like people on here do. And the ironic thing is, the step child very likely is not at all bothered by the lack of relationship here that you find so disgusting. But they WOULD be bothered by a short tempered, resentful step parent.

Maybe you will realise that not all marriages are like yours and that is perfectly fine.

They have been together 8 years already… maybe if the dad made some effort in integrating them early on then it might of been different.

My stepdaughter is part of our family just as much as my biological daughter.

If my sister excluded her deliberately, I also wouldn’t go to the wedding. My girls come as a pair - I won’t have them treated differently. If people want to treat them differently then they just won’t be in their lives, it’s that simple for me.

Yes @JANEY205

Make no mistake, many will exclude your child. MN is a tiny glimpse into how cruel people can be.

I have experienced it all ways, mostly have been lucky and experienced only love and inclusion - absolutely given back too.

But I have also been witness to a most cruel and targeted campaign of elimination of a 9yr old girl whose only crime wasn't being a blood relative.

I am disgusted by many of the most vocal anti step kids posters on the step parenting threads. I read but don't comment because I am sickened by the justifications and excuses given for the dismissal of step kids.

Why? Because DH asked that her family not being invited to a joint birthday party!

I would foeverythi g I could to make your step child feel welcome in your family. They are your child's sibling and when you are all gone that might matter and I would hope they would be a support to each other.
If you don't treat them like family they won't behave like family.