Husband won’t go to sister’s wedding without my stepchild

[TheOriginalGilmoregirl]

Just in a mess over something that should be joyful.

Happily married for 8 years. Child going into Reception. Stepchild early secondary.

Husband and ex have excellent Co parenting relationship. It was never 50:50 as husband worked away and now works away a lot less but stepchild obviously has a life with shows and dance classes etc. so comes regularly but not as often as they did say pre-covid.

My parents were always pleasant but rarely saw them to form a relationship. Husband asked if stepchild could be included in holiday and offered to pay, my parents insisted on paying and had a reasonable time. Stepchild and our child have birthdays a couple of weeks apart and when my child was two requested that my parents not be invited for a joint meal as they don’t bring a present for stepchild. Both children would have had parties with friends and stepchild with their mother.

So my actual AIBU. My sister is getting married, usual wedding, parents on each side paying third, they’re paying third. I am chief bridesmaid, daughter flower girl. Massively excited, involved in everything. Looking forward to seeing cousins and staying in hotel and then going away with cousins and our kids.
My stepchild is not invited. I was not shocked, my sister barely knows them and BiL has never met them. They will be spending the week before solely with their Dad and week before that with all of us. The weekend of the wedding back with mum.
My husband has declined his invitation because stepchild is not invited. I said they wouldn’t be around that weekend. He said ex would happily give them the time as has happened in the past.

My sister just won’t invite them when I asked as they could be with mother. Both she and BiL feel that husband is being weird about it and won’t budge.

Your DH is right and your sister is a cery nasty person. Your stepchild is YOUR CHILD and should be invited wherever you are.

I assume your sister copied her awful behaviour from your parents since they thought it was ok to give birthday presents to one of your children but not the other.

Sorry you have such a horrible family OP.

Your stepchild is YOUR CHILD and should be invited wherever you are
Haha be sure to let the "bio mum* know before making declarations like this 😂

Your stepchild is YOUR CHILD

Look it up in the dictionary. Can’t see my DSC‘s DM agreeing with you.

Typical schmaltz of people not in the situation

This. Absolutely awful.

God the step-parenting hysteria is rife on this one.

If you are so at peace and my comments are 'laughable' why are you so combative on step parenting posts? You are always there. I read because I am part of a step parenting set up. Unlike you, I can see the nuance and don't ever want to exclude anyone.

no drama at all' I simply don't believe you. More like folk are scared or are resigned to your abject dismissal of step kids.

I have a step son, he's lived me since he was 9 and he's 18 now. Neither of his parents are in the picture. My family would never exclude from anything. He's my family and I never would have tolerated this. I think your husband is absolutely right here. Your sister doesn't sound very nice.

@RedSkiesandAllies how about you read the comments from actual stepkids on this thread? No drama there from what I can see.

I haven’t voted as you haven’t given your own position and it isn’t clear which option corresponds to which side. I agree with your DH.

If you are so at peace and my comments are 'laughable' why are you so combative on step parenting posts? You are always there. I read because I am part of a step parenting set up. Unlike you, I can see the nuance and don't ever want to exclude anyone.

I'm combative because of the level of judgment levelled at posters for living a life that I believe to be perfectly normal. And I do see nuance - evidently different nuance to you. I would never want to exclude anyone that was upset about being excluded, but I don't assume everyone feels excluded if their family isn't identical to a typical nuclear one but with three/four adults instead of two.

no drama at all' I simply don't believe you. More like folk are scared or are resigned to your abject dismissal of step kids.

As another poster said, there are comments from actual SC on this thread saying they grew up similarly and felt as I did. You are choosing to dismiss them and insist only your way can work. Talk about understanding nuance!

Isn't it just,

Your stepchild is YOUR CHILD

Except they aren't.

What stood out to me is your parents not getting stepchild a present at their own joint birthday meal- that’s bad manners even taking away the fact your stepchild is part of the family.

It sounds like your family are all like that which is perhaps why you don’t see things from your husband’s perspective. You’re a family, step child should be invited- it’s weird that she’s single out and the only member of your family not invited. I imagine you’ve had many opportunities to speak to your family about including SC but you haven’t taken them and that’s what’s lead to this situation where you’re trying to break away from your family’s norm of meanness towards SC- and now you’ll look like the one being strange since you’ve always let these things slide.

If I was you and my step-child wasn’t invited I wouldn’t be going either.
YABU.

If you're so close to your sister that she's made you chief bridesmaid, then she must be under the impression that you don't want your stepchild at the wedding surely? How would it make sense that she thinks so much of you yet doesn't care about your feelings on the day?

I've been with DH for 9 years and my family are only just starting to build a relationship with DSD.
Why?
We now have DSD every weekend, school holiday, bank holiday, election day, in service day, sick day. Any day she's not at school shes with us. So naturally she sees my family more than ever.
Before, it was EOW and on paper half the holidays (it wasn't really, her mother did whatever the fuck she liked really). So she didn't see much of my family and with a volatile ex lurking in the background they were a bit guarded in any case.
The drama was never "why is SMs brother who I've met once 2 years ago not sending DSD gifts", they were never in each others orbit to know or care much about such things.
The drama was always ex stopping or messing around with contact.

what? Maybe rethink what you term as a step child-you pretty much describe your husbands ex wifes kid. Is this your childs sibling or NOT? do you make em say "half bro\sis" ....you and your family-after 8 years are treating this child like an outsider! Yabu -your husband shouldnt need to explain the importance of your family unit. wow

I am one, I also have one and 2 of mine are.

What part of the thread do you want me to understand?

I'm with your husband, your family sound unpleasant. Going out of their way to make your step child unwelcome.
How petty of them.

Your family, and you in fact, sounds awful. Your stepchild is part of your family and has been for many years. It disgusts me that the child is deliberately left out repeatedly. I have a child from a previous relationship and if my in law's dared to leave him out of a family wedding I would not be going - nor would my other children - and I'd expext my partner to very much be on my side with this (which he absolutely would). It's cruel and unnecessary - same with buying a birthday present for one and not the other. If I was your husband I would stand up for my child, and if nothing changed I would ditch you. Seems he's been very compliant up to now. Good for him for standing his ground.

If it’s not generally a child free wedding, I agree with your husband.

BOTH his daughters are lucky to have a father that will stand on principle for them.

Really? I simply don't believe what you post is of any help @aSofaNearYou

I am a step child. Am also enmeshed in all manner of step kids and step parenting.

I will reign it in from my part and say I find it disgusting that the OP's family has so decidedly excluded her step child from a wedding that includes her dss father and sibling.

In my book only nasty people do that.

I suspect you will come back at me with your own experience and personal thoughts on it all. But I cannot see further than spiteful behaviour towards an innocent kid.

Go to the wedding with your own DC. Your BIL and sister don't know this child, they aren't being unreasonable for not inviting her.

This! I’m a stepmum to an 8 year old (met her Dad when she was 2, married when she was 4) and from day one my family embraced her as a niece and grandchild. Her Mum met her DH a year or so later and his family also could not have been more welcoming to my DSD. DH and her Mum have 50/50 and she is secure, happy and loved on both sides of her family. Can’t imagine how your poor DSD feels.

You are not making sense.

Her DH feels his daughter should be invited, he sees his daughter as part of the family and not as an excluded unit that is not family. He doesn't see his family as his wife and shared child only, he sees both of his children as his family. So when his family is invited to a wedding, he expects both his kids to be invited, not just 3 out of 4. Regardless of Op or anyone else saying the child isn't family and should be excluded from all events that don't have blood relatives, Dh feels differently. He isn't blood either, yet he is invited.

DH and his daughter should just stay home. Given the family has made it very vlear that they don't consider his daughter as family and won't even give her a birthday gift at a shared party, he should just decline.

My family is the opposite and very welcoming so I can't imagine intentionally excluding children and insisting they aren't family and don't belong at any family events because they aren't blood. So bizarre to me. I personally wouldn't be in a relationship with someone with 'only blood are included' mentality. We have adopted kids, step kids, half siblings, foster kids etc in our family and no one gets excluded or told you are not part of the family because they aren't 100% blood related.