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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Finally snapped at MIL after years

138 replies

Fudgelover91 · 19/08/2023 12:10

Basically I have lived for years with partner in a rural location next to his parents on their farm.

During the last 3 years my dad was was diagnosed with prostate cancer ( had successful treatment ) and I lost my uncle at Xmas.

I live 90 mins away and I am a nervous driver so I want to move back to be closer to my own family.

I am living in one of my rental properties 25 mins away from my family whilst I decide if this will be permanent.

Plus my MIL interfere’s too much and always has done but I have never addressed to her it until last night when she sent me a nasty text saying partner was lonely and how could I just leave after years of living there.

She will text me asking me where I am living, what do I want her to do with my stuff ( in the house owned by my partner and nothing to do with her at all) and will constantly make passive aggressive comments.

She is like this partner’s ex wife and current partner too, not just me.

She feels she can speak to me how she wants and she knows I won’t say nothing back.

My partner works 3am -1pm and she would text me “he needs a meal when he comes home” even though I work full time myself, these are the kind of things that she would text me when I lived there.

Anytime my family visited she would watch them on CCTV and text me asking me “when are your visitors leaving”?

I told partner months ago I cannot tolerate her bossing me around and interfering anymore and to address this with her.

Last night I told her how I felt and how interfering she was and I told her a few home truths.
It had been simmering inside me for years and I felt a lot better for getting it of my chest .

I have decided to put my own family first now as for years all I have done is help MIL and FIL and they were never grateful or appreciative.

Have I been unreasonable in feeling like this and finally snapping at MIL?

And I a bad person for wanting to leave partner to live closer to my own family?

I feel like I am always in the wrong .

Thanks xx

OP posts:
Fudgelover91 · 19/08/2023 12:11

Sorry typo, meant to say she is like this with partners brother’s ex wife and current wife too.

OP posts:
Vault687 · 19/08/2023 12:13

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

takealettermsjones · 19/08/2023 12:13

She doesn't live with you but has access to your CCTV? 😱

I don't get all the backstory but I have a strong suspicion YANBU at all!

Fudgelover91 · 19/08/2023 12:15

Partner will not move as he wants to be close to his parents as he helps them a lot.

Partner will always defend her and makes excuses for her behaviour.

The CCTV belongs them as it covers the shared driveway which they own so they always see who comes and goes.

OP posts:
cocoloco117 · 19/08/2023 12:16

No you’re not being unreasonable but get your tin hat on as MIL threads tend to bring out a lot of defensiveness in some people on here. Well done to stick up for yourself and whatever your do don’t back down or apologise when MIL turns to her playbook of sob stories/guilt tripping/claimed victimisation.

InsomniacsWife · 19/08/2023 12:18

If your partner can't see the issue and won't support you in this and won't move I'm afraid it's time for a new partner.

Devilsmommy · 19/08/2023 12:19

Sounds like you're doing what you need to do and yanbu at all. She sounds like a complete nightmare 😲

itsgettingweird · 19/08/2023 12:21

You have to do what's right for you. Your partner the same. If that's different things that's fine.

Your MIL though. Shock

I think you've been restrained not saying something before now. Sometimes you think you've hard it all until another story pops up.

Fudgelover91 · 19/08/2023 12:21

InsomniacsWife · 19/08/2023 12:18

If your partner can't see the issue and won't support you in this and won't move I'm afraid it's time for a new partner.

Yes I have been feeling that way for a while now.

He will always defend her and will never acknowledge that she is in the wrong.

I feel like a new person as I felt like a prisoner living there a lot of the time.

She expects her sons to help her & put her first but I am not allowed to do the same for my own flesh & blood family.

OP posts:
AlwaysJumping · 19/08/2023 12:24

Oh fuck no! Enjoy your freedom and decide whether that means leaving your partner or not

JudgeJ · 19/08/2023 12:25

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Does the partner work on the farm? If you work full time is that near your partner's home or near your parents? If jobs are near where your partner lives I can see why he doesn't want to move miles away with the need to get to work by 3 am.

Hbh17 · 19/08/2023 12:25

Both of you in this relationship are putting your families before each other. That's fine, if it's what you both want, but it sounds like a challenging partnership. Most partners would agree what they want to do and either move - or stay - together. This sounds like nothing to do with your partner's mother, but there are some big decisions to be made by the two of you as a couple.

CoffeeBeansGalore · 19/08/2023 12:27

You are only unreasonable for putting up with this for so long!

If your partner won't support you and constantly defends his mother's lack of boundaries, then I'm afraid the only option is to put yourself & your family first and leave him.

RunningFromInsanity · 19/08/2023 12:28

Have I been unreasonable in feeling like this and finally snapping at MIL?

And I a bad person for wanting to leave partner to live closer to my own family?

These are 2 very different issues with different answers.
No
Yes

Notbeinfunnehbut · 19/08/2023 12:28

Oh wow this sounds so intense and controlling
your husband needs to get her in line
I wouldn’t be tolerating that
she sounds like she has some serious issues

AdoraBell · 19/08/2023 12:29

YANBU.

Rosiem2808 · 19/08/2023 12:30

As someone else has asked.. does your partner work on the farm. If he does then he has to stay surely?

You do not have a MIL problem.. you have a partner problem and it sounds like the relationship is done if he won't support you

pilates · 19/08/2023 12:30

He shouldn’t be trying save his marriage and not worrying about his mother

pilates · 19/08/2023 12:31

Relationship not his marriage

randomusernam · 19/08/2023 12:32

If it was me I'd be saying to partner that you have put his family first for years and it is now time for him to do the same for your family. If he can't do this then you don't want to be with him and his mum will have succeeded in driving away his wife like she clearly always wanted. It is now time to put me first not your mother.

I have a feeling you have probably already said these kind of thing.

If he still refuses he doesn't deserve you and you definitely need to put your family first.

I'd be telling MIL it's not all about partners needs and wants. You want a partner to live with you too. You are also lonely and would like him to support you looking after your poorly farther but he won't, so don't try to imply I am the selfish person in this situation.

Good luck, they sound terrible!!!

Rosiem2808 · 19/08/2023 12:34

But if he works on the farm then he has to stay !

WandaWonder · 19/08/2023 12:35

So it seems you are focusing on a weird Mil competition thing going on, do you honestly really want to stay with this?

Fudgelover91 · 19/08/2023 12:37

Rosiem2808 · 19/08/2023 12:30

As someone else has asked.. does your partner work on the farm. If he does then he has to stay surely?

You do not have a MIL problem.. you have a partner problem and it sounds like the relationship is done if he won't support you

No partner does not work on the farm, he is a manager in a logistics warehouse.

I wasnt asking partner to come with me as I know he will always put his parents first and I wouldn’t expect that of him anyway.

I want to move alone and I am being being made to feel guilty by partner and MIL.

Yes for years I helped his parents and she was never grateful.

I often felt like a prisoner in my own body.
I am a lot happier now.

OP posts:
Olika · 19/08/2023 12:38

I don't see this working. Mil is out of order and I am surprised you managed to take it so long. Your Mil can cook and take care of her son and spend her time controlling her family members. You go and do what is best for you. Don't waste any more time away from your family,

Aquamarine1029 · 19/08/2023 12:39

End this shit relationship already and be free from the lot of them. Life is too short.

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