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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Finally snapped at MIL after years

138 replies

Fudgelover91 · 19/08/2023 12:10

Basically I have lived for years with partner in a rural location next to his parents on their farm.

During the last 3 years my dad was was diagnosed with prostate cancer ( had successful treatment ) and I lost my uncle at Xmas.

I live 90 mins away and I am a nervous driver so I want to move back to be closer to my own family.

I am living in one of my rental properties 25 mins away from my family whilst I decide if this will be permanent.

Plus my MIL interfere’s too much and always has done but I have never addressed to her it until last night when she sent me a nasty text saying partner was lonely and how could I just leave after years of living there.

She will text me asking me where I am living, what do I want her to do with my stuff ( in the house owned by my partner and nothing to do with her at all) and will constantly make passive aggressive comments.

She is like this partner’s ex wife and current partner too, not just me.

She feels she can speak to me how she wants and she knows I won’t say nothing back.

My partner works 3am -1pm and she would text me “he needs a meal when he comes home” even though I work full time myself, these are the kind of things that she would text me when I lived there.

Anytime my family visited she would watch them on CCTV and text me asking me “when are your visitors leaving”?

I told partner months ago I cannot tolerate her bossing me around and interfering anymore and to address this with her.

Last night I told her how I felt and how interfering she was and I told her a few home truths.
It had been simmering inside me for years and I felt a lot better for getting it of my chest .

I have decided to put my own family first now as for years all I have done is help MIL and FIL and they were never grateful or appreciative.

Have I been unreasonable in feeling like this and finally snapping at MIL?

And I a bad person for wanting to leave partner to live closer to my own family?

I feel like I am always in the wrong .

Thanks xx

OP posts:
sonjadog · 19/08/2023 14:41

That you feel so much better living away from him is a huge sign that the relationship was not right for you. So it is good that you have broken up.

However, you are still acting like you have responsibilty for these people. Telling his Mother is your ex-DP’s problem now, not yours. So if he wants to pretend then that choice and responsibility is on him. You don’t have to facilitate it. Your MiL is now just the Mother of a man you used to date. You don’t need to have any relationship with her in the future. If she is being meddling and annoying you, just block her. She can talk to her son about things that are concerning her.

I think you should spend some time considering what moving on from this relationship will look like and put in some boundaries and new behaviours.

M103 · 19/08/2023 15:03

Enjoy your freedom!

JANEY205 · 19/08/2023 15:04

I don’t think your relationship will survive you moving out. But if it’s what you need to do then it’s what you need to do, but understand most people wouldn’t be ok with this set up you are proposing (equally your partner could come with you and commute back to his parents to help them)

momonpurpose · 19/08/2023 15:24

Asking when are your visitors leaving? Oh hell no this lady is out of line. You did the right thing OP

InSpainTheRain · 19/08/2023 15:24

YANBU she sounds awful and your partner sounds very unsupportive of you. I think you should seriously consider binning him and getting rid of him and his family as they seem to come as a package. Obviously seeing what visitors you have, texting you to tell you to get his dinner and basically keeping you under surveillance is awful, I'd stay well out of her way and block her.

AcrossthePond55 · 19/08/2023 15:28

You have made the right decision to end the relationship. I know you were friends before, but I wouldn't try to maintain a friendship going forward.

Now, if you have 'stuff' back at that house make arrangements to go get it preferably at a time MiL is out. If he can pack it up for you ahead of time so all you have to do is load it and drive away, so much the better. You need a clean break and getting your things out is the last tie to that house. Then, if you haven't, block MiL on all communications. I wouldn't bother telling her the relationship is over, that's your exP's problem.

MotherOfGodWeeFella · 19/08/2023 15:30

Absolutely block her now. Your ex will have to find his balls and tell her you're no longer together himself.

Tonightsthenight91 · 19/08/2023 15:33

Fuck them both off OP. Life’s too short for this bullshit.

and that’s my genuine advice, not just me sitting behind a screen suggesting things that are easier said than done!

Tonightsthenight91 · 19/08/2023 15:34

Sorry hadn’t read the full thread and got too irate for you before I’d seen you’ve ended it 😂

Hollyhobbi · 19/08/2023 15:34

The good thing is this woman isn't your mother in law. She's your ex partners wife. So just block and ignore her and tell your ex boyfriend to tell her you've split up. Sounds like she'll be delighted ye are anyway, the interfering old busybody!

nolamesallowed · 19/08/2023 15:35

Leave him. Let him be mummy's little lapdog. It'll only get worse.

Hollyhobbi · 19/08/2023 15:35

Ex partners mother!!

LAMPS1 · 19/08/2023 16:13

It seems to me that the problem is all brought about by the fact that your ex’s mother doesn’t know you have split up. In fact at the start of your thread it came across that you yourself were rather unsure if you had split up or not, - you had moved away to be closer to your own family.
Is it time you made it clear to everybody that you have left him ?
Surely then your ex’s mother will stop pestering you to come back and make his dinner. As interfering as she has been, it’s really not fair if she doesn’t know the facts. If your ex won’t tell her then you have to spell it clearly to her. You have left him and you won’t be making his meals any more and can she please stop pestering you.
As soon as she is told, the problems you have will be gone and you can carry on making a new life for yourself.

Original poster
Fudgelover91 · 19/08/2023 17:06

LAMPS1 · 19/08/2023 16:13

It seems to me that the problem is all brought about by the fact that your ex’s mother doesn’t know you have split up. In fact at the start of your thread it came across that you yourself were rather unsure if you had split up or not, - you had moved away to be closer to your own family.
Is it time you made it clear to everybody that you have left him ?
Surely then your ex’s mother will stop pestering you to come back and make his dinner. As interfering as she has been, it’s really not fair if she doesn’t know the facts. If your ex won’t tell her then you have to spell it clearly to her. You have left him and you won’t be making his meals any more and can she please stop pestering you.
As soon as she is told, the problems you have will be gone and you can carry on making a new life for yourself.

The problems with the now ex’s mum have always been there.

She would frequently text me to make him a meal, interfere when my family visited, take it upon herself to go into the garden I have created & pull my plants out, the list is endless.

Ex constantly makes excuses for her vile behaviour and now apparently she is “going through a lot”.

I am done with the whole situation and I will be collecting he rest of my things next week.

OP posts:
Blogswife · 19/08/2023 17:16

I think you need to tell ex MIL that you have split up , Ex is not your responsibility and she needs to leave you alone - and then ignore her calls & messages
From the sense of relief you feel it sounds like youve made a good decision to move on . Good luck !

Lucy377 · 19/08/2023 17:27

"The thing his mum worries about what will happen to him when her and his dad pass away."

Is there something wrong with your ex partner? Is he not a fully functioning adult male with a job?

You've done the right thing. Not sure how you stood that for so long.

DinnaeFashYersel · 19/08/2023 17:40

It's not just a MIL problem it's a DH problem as he is not supporting you.

Sounds like this separation is the right thing and best to move on all round.

DinnaeFashYersel · 19/08/2023 17:41

Maybe you should block her.

Duckingella · 19/08/2023 19:03

Divorce the mummy's boy and make her your ex MIL;I wouldn't be letting your DH into my house let alone my bed as his behaviour is just so damn unattractive.

His enmeshment with his mother is beyond strange.

Original poster
Fudgelover91 · 19/08/2023 21:19

So my ex has spoken to her and his dad & apparently she has no idea that her behaviour isn’t normal.

Ex tried to spin it round like “she’s not been very well & has been crying” etc and portray her to be the victim.

Ex will constantly make excuses for her “she’s been stressed”, “she has not been well”, “my brother has been winding her up”.

It is always excuses, she never takes responsibility for her actions.

I told ex it’s not my problem now and good luck. I have blocked her number and won’t be having any more contact with her again.

In a way I feel in a way that I have been brainwashed.
As I have been by the comments on here nobody else would put up with what I have had to endure for years.

OP posts:
MILofdoom · 19/08/2023 21:41

Enjoy your freedom @Fudgelover91

Breakups are sad even if it's amicable and for the best all round. I'm pleased you have managed to at least get a few things off your chest. Good luck with your future, moving closer to your family is a good move xx

SeulementUneFois · 20/08/2023 10:26

Best of luck in your new life @Fudgelover91 !
A huge weight will have been lifted now that you're not at the beck and call of that bitch.
Be aware that she might send her "flying monkeys", as people like her would absolutely need you back to abuse.
In which case you might need to promptly block FIL, relations or even the Ex.

Original poster
Fudgelover91 · 20/08/2023 12:06

SeulementUneFois · 20/08/2023 10:26

Best of luck in your new life @Fudgelover91 !
A huge weight will have been lifted now that you're not at the beck and call of that bitch.
Be aware that she might send her "flying monkeys", as people like her would absolutely need you back to abuse.
In which case you might need to promptly block FIL, relations or even the Ex.

@SeulementUneFois thank you for your kind words of support.

I have told ex that I absolutely do not want anything to do with her under any circumstances.

Apparently she now has some health issues, I told ex I’m sorry that is not my problem.
She has two sons that should be helping her, I told ex my own flesh & blood family come first.

I don’t see her leaving me alone to be honest, I am due to collect my things tomorrow & have told ex if she starts then I will start, I’m done tolerating her speaking me like dirt.

xx

OP posts:
billy1966 · 20/08/2023 15:21

Good for you.

Do have a hard look at why you tolerated it for so long.

You sound so nice.

You really need to treat and value yourself better. Use the 🤚if she try and engages.

But I would be sticking a key in the door whilst you gather your stuff.

I would be very wary of staying in contact with him.

Such a wuzz.

billy1966 · 20/08/2023 15:22

Surely if you have her number blocked she has no way of contacting you?