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AIBU?

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Original poster

Finally snapped at MIL after years

138 replies

Fudgelover91 · 19/08/2023 12:10

Basically I have lived for years with partner in a rural location next to his parents on their farm.

During the last 3 years my dad was was diagnosed with prostate cancer ( had successful treatment ) and I lost my uncle at Xmas.

I live 90 mins away and I am a nervous driver so I want to move back to be closer to my own family.

I am living in one of my rental properties 25 mins away from my family whilst I decide if this will be permanent.

Plus my MIL interfere’s too much and always has done but I have never addressed to her it until last night when she sent me a nasty text saying partner was lonely and how could I just leave after years of living there.

She will text me asking me where I am living, what do I want her to do with my stuff ( in the house owned by my partner and nothing to do with her at all) and will constantly make passive aggressive comments.

She is like this partner’s ex wife and current partner too, not just me.

She feels she can speak to me how she wants and she knows I won’t say nothing back.

My partner works 3am -1pm and she would text me “he needs a meal when he comes home” even though I work full time myself, these are the kind of things that she would text me when I lived there.

Anytime my family visited she would watch them on CCTV and text me asking me “when are your visitors leaving”?

I told partner months ago I cannot tolerate her bossing me around and interfering anymore and to address this with her.

Last night I told her how I felt and how interfering she was and I told her a few home truths.
It had been simmering inside me for years and I felt a lot better for getting it of my chest .

I have decided to put my own family first now as for years all I have done is help MIL and FIL and they were never grateful or appreciative.

Have I been unreasonable in feeling like this and finally snapping at MIL?

And I a bad person for wanting to leave partner to live closer to my own family?

I feel like I am always in the wrong .

Thanks xx

OP posts:
WomanAtWork · 19/08/2023 12:41

I understand OP, although I had a different situation ( MIL who used the excuse of my DP’s medical condition to breathe down our necks for 8 years). I loved my DP but he couldn’t stand up for me or for himself, he was completely submissive to her. I didn’t hate her, I just wanted space, I wanted to be an adult in my own home.

Unless you’ve been through it I don’t think you can comprehend how it eats away at your mental health and self-esteem. That feeling of always been judged and found wanting. Of being watched, all the time - even when you aren’t being watched! The disappointment and growing awareness your partner is never going to “break free” of the control, and that your love for each other isn’t enough to sustain your long-term happiness. My DP’s brother moved overseas to Ireland to escape the claustrophobia and told me “a sea isn’t far enough, it needs to be an ocean really.” It just wears you down.

So yanbu. 100% yanbu. I wish you a happy future and in ten years you won’t regret moving on, despite the pain it causes you to separate.

Testina · 19/08/2023 12:42

I think her text berating you for what sounds like you leaving your boyfriend without actually telling him it’s over might not be completely unreasonable.

What on earth have you put up with her previous shit all these years though?

Rosiem2808 · 19/08/2023 12:42

In that case, if he won't be reasonable and knows you are unhappy but won't do anything about it then you have little choice but to leave (escape)

PigginTeaBreak · 19/08/2023 12:43

You made the right choice. Good for you!

Testina · 19/08/2023 12:44

“I want to move alone and I am being being made to feel guilty by partner and MIL.”

Fuck MIL, but I think it’s fair that your boyfriend gets to have feelings. So have you dumped him or not?

SiobhanSharpe · 19/08/2023 12:45

You are a lot happier now. That says it all.
You'v done enough for your inlaws and if your partner always puts them first that says everything about how he views your relationship - in second place
after his family.

UnfunnyJester · 19/08/2023 12:45

Block her number. She's out of order talking to you like that. Trying to make stupid points by referring to your family as 'visitors'. What a horrible woman she is.

StopStartStop · 19/08/2023 12:45

It's amazing you held back so long!

Don't give them a second thought. It's the end of your relationship with them. Change your phone number, or block them.

Cornishclio · 19/08/2023 12:46

I don't think you are bad for wanting to prioritise your Dad but did you give your partner the option of moving with you or are you done with him too? I don't blame you for snapping at MIL.

frazzledasarock · 19/08/2023 12:48

I don’t think you’re a bad person for wanting to move closer to your family. You’ve lived close to your P’s family and they’ve been abusive.

Your P does not want to move.

nothing you can do except accept to be doormat and being abused and skivvy to your IL’s. or remove yourself from the situation.

if your P doesn’t want to move you have to leave.

Goldbar · 19/08/2023 12:49

Aquamarine1029 · 19/08/2023 12:39

End this shit relationship already and be free from the lot of them. Life is too short.

This. He's not really a 'partner' in life, is he? If he goes running whenever his parents call and won't support you.

Notooserious · 19/08/2023 12:50

Cut and run! Sounds like you’ll be a lot happier on your own than surrounded by these toxic a-holes.

Blanketpolicy · 19/08/2023 12:51

There is some responsibility on you for "tolerating for years" and allowing another person to think that dynamic was ok instead of dealing with incidents as they occurred and developing, if possible, a healthier relationship.

Have you at least been honest with your partner? You know he won't move, you can't live there so where is your mutual understanding of where your relationship is at?

Cowlover89 · 19/08/2023 12:51

YANBU X

Rosiem2808 · 19/08/2023 12:52

Agree with @Blanketpolicy

Rosiem2808 · 19/08/2023 12:53

Get some sort of closure with the partner so it does not eat away at you after you have gone

GoingToBeLessRubbishAtLife · 19/08/2023 12:55

Are you the one who posted a week or two ago? You’d spent £150,000 doing up a house that you didn’t own on the farm?

PlipPlopChoo · 19/08/2023 12:57

Time for a new partner.

Original poster
Fudgelover91 · 19/08/2023 12:58

Blanketpolicy · 19/08/2023 12:51

There is some responsibility on you for "tolerating for years" and allowing another person to think that dynamic was ok instead of dealing with incidents as they occurred and developing, if possible, a healthier relationship.

Have you at least been honest with your partner? You know he won't move, you can't live there so where is your mutual understanding of where your relationship is at?

Yes I completely agree with you.

I didn’t want to cause arguments by calling MIL out on her behaviour.

Partner starts crying and gets very anxious when there is conflict.

Partner knows I have been unhappy for years.

We had a great friendship prior to the relationship and we will still continue our friendship as we have known each other 14 years.

When I asked him if he was lonely as his mother had said, he said he had no idea what I was talking about.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fudgelover91 · 19/08/2023 12:59

GoingToBeLessRubbishAtLife · 19/08/2023 12:55

Are you the one who posted a week or two ago? You’d spent £150,000 doing up a house that you didn’t own on the farm?

No, I would never spend that much money on someone else’s property.

OP posts:
ChesCazza · 19/08/2023 13:00

You've made a typo.

I think you meant to write STBX- MIL, didn't you?

billy1966 · 19/08/2023 13:01

Block her number.

You should have pushed back a LONG time ago.

Well done for moving.

Stop wasting your life living near people you do not like.

Collect your stuff, but in the meantime do not have further contact with her.

Do the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk to help with your boundaries and to help you build up your self esteem.

Do not accept treatment like this again.

We teach people how to treat us, remember that.

The Freedom Programme. Learn about domestic violence and abuse

The Freedom Programme. For women who want to learn more about the reality of domestic violence and abuse

http://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

CornishTiger · 19/08/2023 13:03

Do you have children?

stayathomer · 19/08/2023 13:05

Very torn as put the other way if I lived next to my parents and had to help them a lot and my partner was saying’now it’s my time’ I think I’d be similar to your dh and stay (if you don’t have kids). You sound like you’re done, I think you are both better separate

OrganicAlchemy · 19/08/2023 13:09

I would have told them both to fuck off long ago! 100% YANBU