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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Finally snapped at MIL after years

138 replies

Fudgelover91 · 19/08/2023 12:10

Basically I have lived for years with partner in a rural location next to his parents on their farm.

During the last 3 years my dad was was diagnosed with prostate cancer ( had successful treatment ) and I lost my uncle at Xmas.

I live 90 mins away and I am a nervous driver so I want to move back to be closer to my own family.

I am living in one of my rental properties 25 mins away from my family whilst I decide if this will be permanent.

Plus my MIL interfere’s too much and always has done but I have never addressed to her it until last night when she sent me a nasty text saying partner was lonely and how could I just leave after years of living there.

She will text me asking me where I am living, what do I want her to do with my stuff ( in the house owned by my partner and nothing to do with her at all) and will constantly make passive aggressive comments.

She is like this partner’s ex wife and current partner too, not just me.

She feels she can speak to me how she wants and she knows I won’t say nothing back.

My partner works 3am -1pm and she would text me “he needs a meal when he comes home” even though I work full time myself, these are the kind of things that she would text me when I lived there.

Anytime my family visited she would watch them on CCTV and text me asking me “when are your visitors leaving”?

I told partner months ago I cannot tolerate her bossing me around and interfering anymore and to address this with her.

Last night I told her how I felt and how interfering she was and I told her a few home truths.
It had been simmering inside me for years and I felt a lot better for getting it of my chest .

I have decided to put my own family first now as for years all I have done is help MIL and FIL and they were never grateful or appreciative.

Have I been unreasonable in feeling like this and finally snapping at MIL?

And I a bad person for wanting to leave partner to live closer to my own family?

I feel like I am always in the wrong .

Thanks xx

OP posts:
Testina · 19/08/2023 13:12

Right, so you are splitting up with him?

”We had a great friendship prior to the relationship and we will still continue our friendship as we have known each other 14 years.”

You posts are confusing.

Original poster
Fudgelover91 · 19/08/2023 13:18

Testina · 19/08/2023 13:12

Right, so you are splitting up with him?

”We had a great friendship prior to the relationship and we will still continue our friendship as we have known each other 14 years.”

You posts are confusing.

Yes we have spoken and agreed it is best we go out separate ways relationship wise.

Before we was in a relationship we were good friends.

OP posts:
RandomButtons · 19/08/2023 13:18

Fudgelover91 · 19/08/2023 12:15

Partner will not move as he wants to be close to his parents as he helps them a lot.

Partner will always defend her and makes excuses for her behaviour.

The CCTV belongs them as it covers the shared driveway which they own so they always see who comes and goes.

So your parent in laws are farmers right? Is your partner a farmer? Is he working/running the business for them? Is he due to inherit the business?

Farm family situations can be so much more complex than the norm. However your mother in law is totally out of line.

It’s a very 1950’s way of farming that the man milks the cows and the wife does all the calves and tge housework and the kid work and gets hot dinners on the table every day at 5pm. My Gran is recently widowed and so so relieved she doesn’t have to cook hot dinners twice a day every day anymore. She’s 90.

Aquamarine1029 · 19/08/2023 13:18

Why haven't you blocked that miserable bitch? It's absolutely baffling that you've just say there like a lemon, accepting her nasty messages.

saraclara · 19/08/2023 13:23

cocoloco117 · 19/08/2023 12:16

No you’re not being unreasonable but get your tin hat on as MIL threads tend to bring out a lot of defensiveness in some people on here. Well done to stick up for yourself and whatever your do don’t back down or apologise when MIL turns to her playbook of sob stories/guilt tripping/claimed victimisation.

MIL threads only have people defending a MIL when there's reason to defend them.
The behaviour that OP is having to deal with is indefensible.

Testina · 19/08/2023 13:29

Right, so you’ve clarified, he’s not your boyfriend any longer.
Sounds like you left it a bit late to stick up for yourself with his mother, but if she’s earned the comments now then fill your boots.
Does she actually know you’ve split up with him?

Wisteriathroughwindow · 19/08/2023 13:32

Run run run away and don't look back!

hot2trotter · 19/08/2023 13:32

Congratulations! Just read you've split up with your unsupportive mummys boy partner so you're now free of the old witch!

Original poster
Fudgelover91 · 19/08/2023 13:34

Testina · 19/08/2023 13:29

Right, so you’ve clarified, he’s not your boyfriend any longer.
Sounds like you left it a bit late to stick up for yourself with his mother, but if she’s earned the comments now then fill your boots.
Does she actually know you’ve split up with him?

No she is not aware that we have split up as my now ex does not want to tell her as she will start moaning at him and stressing him out.

OP posts:
CremeEggThief · 19/08/2023 13:36

YANBU but I don't think you should have put yourself in this position in the first place, and I don't think your partner is ever going to put you first either.

They've made a mug out of you, sorry OP.

Original poster
Fudgelover91 · 19/08/2023 13:41

CremeEggThief · 19/08/2023 13:36

YANBU but I don't think you should have put yourself in this position in the first place, and I don't think your partner is ever going to put you first either.

They've made a mug out of you, sorry OP.

I agree with you.
I do actually feel like a mug.

The thing his mum worries about what will happen to him when her and his dad pass away.
They have a small family and he does not have kids.

So a lot of pressure was always put on me like I am all he has.

I feel a lot better for getting it all out in the open.

OP posts:
Mummy08m · 19/08/2023 13:46

The thing his mum worries about what will happen to him when her and his dad pass away.

Sounds like she should have thought of that before driving you away by being horrible to you

Testina · 19/08/2023 13:46

Fudgelover91 · 19/08/2023 13:34

No she is not aware that we have split up as my now ex does not want to tell her as she will start moaning at him and stressing him out.

Show quote history

Hmmm. I guessed as much.
Look, you’ve got years of her being a nightmare.
But you’re setting up a situation where she thinks you’re just buggering off and leaving your boyfriend on his own.
You even wrote this post about a “partner” and a “MIL” so I’m sure she has mixed messages too.
You’re pleased you gave her a piece of your mind… yet you still can’t say, “we’ve split up”.

menopausalbloat · 19/08/2023 13:50

Sounds like you've made the right decision. You can't change what has happened but you're heading in the right direction.
If I were you, I wouldn't look back.
Good luck.

Feverly · 19/08/2023 13:51

It doesn’t matter, you’ve dumped your crap boyfriend, enjoy life, don’t let these weirdos occupy your thoughts anymore.

Gymnopedie · 19/08/2023 13:55

If he won't tell his mum you have two choices. tell her yourself or block her. If you want to keep your friendship with him then I'd go with the latter.

I am living in one of my rental properties 25 mins away from my family whilst I decide if this will be permanent.

Have you left him in no doubt that it's over, or does he still believe that you're thinking about things? You need to be honest with him.

CremeEggThief · 19/08/2023 13:59

It's going to be hard to come to terms with now you've realised this (been through it myself) and it's not fair that you get nothing back for everything you've put in over the years, but this honestly could be the best thing for you now.
At least it leaves you free of them and more in control of what you want for your future.

Changedmymindtoday22 · 19/08/2023 14:02

Assuming there are no kids in the mix as you didn’t mention any….. RUN and don’t look back.

crosstheriver · 19/08/2023 14:03

It's always sad when a relationship ends, so I'm sorry for that.

But I do think you were making too many compromises for the relationship to work. Putting his parents first when your own dad is so sick must have been hard, and also, I completely get the driving point.

If you can feel a massive, massive weight lifted from your shoulders, that's your brain telling you that you've done the right thing.

Your ex should have stood up for you more, but practically, with both of you wanting to prioritise your own set of parents, it was unlikely this was ever going to end brilliantly.

Enjoy your freedom, OP. Take the time to enjoy being on your own again, and to be able to see your family on your own schedule.

Runnerinthenight · 19/08/2023 14:03

I don't know why you couldn't have reached a compromise between yourself and your new ex, as in moving a distance from the farm together, so that you could have more privacy and agency in your own life.

It doesn't sound as if either of you is that bothered about splitting up? If you truly loved each other, you would have tried to find a way to make it work. Though probably it was always doomed, because he's thoroughly tied to mummy's apron strings!

PrincessScarlett · 19/08/2023 14:12

Block MIL's number and be happy. You did the right thing splitting up with your boyfriend if he won't ever put you first.

Original poster
Fudgelover91 · 19/08/2023 14:13

crosstheriver · 19/08/2023 14:03

It's always sad when a relationship ends, so I'm sorry for that.

But I do think you were making too many compromises for the relationship to work. Putting his parents first when your own dad is so sick must have been hard, and also, I completely get the driving point.

If you can feel a massive, massive weight lifted from your shoulders, that's your brain telling you that you've done the right thing.

Your ex should have stood up for you more, but practically, with both of you wanting to prioritise your own set of parents, it was unlikely this was ever going to end brilliantly.

Enjoy your freedom, OP. Take the time to enjoy being on your own again, and to be able to see your family on your own schedule.

Thank you for your kind words.

My dad was diagnosed with the cancer in 2020 during lockdown, during the worst time ever really.
Thankfully he has since made a full recovery (touch wood).

It was very difficult as at that time I wasn’t even driving (only recently past my test) and I was constantly doing chores for the most ungrateful people ever.

I guess you live and learn.

My now ex will forever be tied down to his mum unfortunately.

I am ready to be the person that I want to be and not what others want me too be.

OP posts:
thereisnotachance · 19/08/2023 14:25

She expects her sons to help her & put her first but I am not allowed to do the same for my own flesh & blood family.

And that would never change. It sounds like she has a monster ego, is possessive and has an old fashioned sexist view of a woman's role with all that getting a meal on the table for your man stuff. You are well rid of her overbearing influence and maybe if you can keep a friendship with your ex (if you both want) then all is not lost.

GoodChat · 19/08/2023 14:26

RunningFromInsanity · 19/08/2023 12:28

Have I been unreasonable in feeling like this and finally snapping at MIL?

And I a bad person for wanting to leave partner to live closer to my own family?

These are 2 very different issues with different answers.
No
Yes

Why is she a bad person for wanting to be closer to her family? Confused

Bex5490 · 19/08/2023 14:27

Fudgelover91 · 19/08/2023 13:34

No she is not aware that we have split up as my now ex does not want to tell her as she will start moaning at him and stressing him out.

Show quote history

This is a him problem. He needs to tell his meddling mum that she has no right to message you because you are no longer together. He should realise that what you’re going through is bigger than him being left single and at a time like this with your dad the last thing you need is her interfering and causing you unnecessary stress.

Sorry you’re having a hard time - sending you love and strength x

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