To want to run away?

[Orangeandredclouds]

I’m only 19 but I’ve already messed up my entire life, I’ve been struggling for weeks but now everything has gone wrong this morning. I’ve messed up my entire life, I have no one to talk to about it. I feel like running away is the only option. Sorry I just need a rant but I do feel like running away is the only option

let me try and stop crying and then I’ll type out the other things before I try and get some sleep. I don’t know if I’ll get any sleep though as I’m so upset. My grandparents keep sending me angry messages now too

It’s so hard though because I do feel like a failure. I’ll try not to but it’s hard when in my heart I feel like a failure. And then all my friends who have fallen out with me and are angry are also telling me I’m a failure

I understand, and maybe they’re right that you’ve ‘failed’ as in, you’ve made some choices that weren’t the right ones, or the best ones.

But that doesn’t make you, as a person, a failure. It makes you a person who failed to make the best choice on this occasion on their life.

You will get more chances, and more choices.

I’m sorry everyone is so cross with you. That’s hard to bear.

It sounds like lots of heightened emotions right now. A good night's sleep will help. Sending hugs to you. Here if you need to chat x

I dropped out my first semester of uni at 19. I remember the feeling of despair. Many family members wouldn't talk to me. Really shitty time it was. I'm listening and sending you my best wishes. Cry if you need to and remember we are all here online should you need to write.

I’m going to type everything else out in the morning if that’s ok? I’m just too upset tonight and I’m crying a lot. I do honestly appreciate everyone on here being so kind and wanting to help though

I didn’t want to move drugs for those people. They threatened to hurt me if I didn’t and I was scared

My a level results and the drug issue are just 2 things, there’s a lot more things/issues going on as well that I’m worried to talk about

Sorry I’m just so upset tonight and can’t even think properly now and my head is full of horrible thoughts. I will try and get some sleep but don’t think I will sleep much as can’t stop crying

OP stay on here if you're having horrible thoughts. Distract yourself.

I don’t think I’ll be able to get to sleep anyway, I can’t stop crying. Also of my friends is literally texting me right now (at midnight!) and is saying absolutely vile things to me. Feel like everyone is just mad and intent on upsetting me further

You sound overwhelmed. You not a failure at 19 - it's impossible.
You learnt some hard lessons by the sounds of it and you're feeling shame and isolation. You've hit a low point. BUT! You have a conscience or you wouldn't be on here worrying about it all. People with a conscience always find their way in the end and find the right friends and support.
Ride the wave OP! There's sunshine on the other side. Just hang on in there

oh and turn off your notifications for a bit. You need need that shit right now - deal with it when you've regrouped.

*don't

Your 'friends' are not friends. Block them and stick on a film.

I blame myself, if I had been honest with my friends about the worst parts they wouldn’t have fallen out with me now for keeping the worst parts from then and downplaying it

I think I’ve done something stupid around an hour ago, it might have been stupid but it also might help. It could make it all worse though

I’ve just turned off my notifications now

Can you draft a simple text to send to anyone that messages you tonight.

"I'm sorry for all that's happened. I'm going to put it right/get counselling/pay you back/apologise/whatever as soon as I can. I'm switching off my phone right now so that I can get some sleep and be able to start sorting things out tomorrow. Goodnight"

Then switch off your phone.

I’m not normally awake at midnight to be honest but my head is a mess and I can’t stop crying, I think it will be a long night for me

What's done is done. Apologise and everyone will move on eventually. Trust me - these things burn out very quickly and will be history in a few weeks.

OP, respectfully, this and some of your other posts sounds dramatic and readers might conclude that you've harmed yourself.

Please let us know whether you have or not. There is always a way to get through whatever difficulties you have.

The vagueness is making it hard to respond meaningfully.

Sorry, I’ve not harmed myself (although the horrible thoughts I have in my head are about hurting myself). The stupid thing I’ve done in that is that I contacted someone I used to know for help/to ask if I can have a chat with them again and I’m worried it’ll have annoyed them as not spoke in years

Sorry, I didn’t mean to come across as dramatic, I’m sorry