To want to run away?

[Orangeandredclouds]

I’m only 19 but I’ve already messed up my entire life, I’ve been struggling for weeks but now everything has gone wrong this morning. I’ve messed up my entire life, I have no one to talk to about it. I feel like running away is the only option. Sorry I just need a rant but I do feel like running away is the only option

20 OP posts and we're still no more clued in as to what's actually happening...

Bad life, messed up, no one to talk to but not actually explaining what's wrong.

Tell us or we can't help you.

Back off a bit @C1N1C . OP has already said she doesn't know where to start with what the problem really is. I think it's more than just about the A levels, but she's sent a PM to a previous poster so hopefully she can get some clarity from that.
@Orangeandredclouds whatever has happened, people are allowed to worry about you. They are probably angry with themselves rather than with you for not seeing what you have been going through. Let everything calm down before thinking of doing anything rash, then try and talk to them again.

Ok I’ll try to explain everything as clearly as I can. Someone (more than one person) made me move drugs for them, I didn’t want to do it, please please don’t judge. At the time I downplayed the serious parts and told my friends things that were less serious to cover up the more serious parts so they didn’t worry about me. But now I’m no longer doing it, I’ve told people about the serious parts and they have accused me of lying even though I only downplayed the serious parts at the time so that they wouldn’t worry about me. I feel so much like a failure.

There are other reasons why I want to run away but that is one of the main ones.

Mum is in prison as well

When I say downplayed, I also mean that at times I would say they had threatened other people when actually they had threatened me. I did it because I didn’t want my friends to worry about me but now I wish I had just always told them the truth

It shows that they care about you if they were worried. You have friends who want you to be safe. They will understand in the future.

Is there anyone at your college that you can talk to?

It’s understandable why you lied as you were in a difficult place.
Its also understandable why they’re upset that you lied to them.

Who do you live with?
I would focus on one person and making it up with them, so they can help you with your next steps.

It sounds like you were coerced into committing a crime and I would consider going to the police.

I don’t think they will understand, they are very mad.

No speaking to college not an option. And in any case I’m not at the college in this September/next school year

I live with my grandparents too but that’s part of one of the other problems (the reasons I want to run away). There’s more reasons why I want to run away, it’s not just the drugs part that I explained earlier

Right, listen up.

You’ve had a hard start, your mum’s in prison, you’re autistic, people have taken advantage of you. None of that is your fault. None of it.

Whoever is mad at you will calm down.

You can resit exams or take another path.

It’s all overwhelming right now but it will change. Don’t run away. That’s just giving yourself another huge set of problems.

Do you have a social worker, anyone at college who’s supported you (with SEN etc), or a police support officer if you’ve got in trouble?

The other thing I’ll tell you is - from an adult’s point of view -

It’s really really hard to support teenagers.

It’s harder if that teenager is neurodiverse (just like it’s harder for you to be ND.)

It’s extra hard if you’re not their parent.
It’s going to be even harder if maybe you’ve seen their parent make mistakes and feel like it’s history repeating itself.

Your grandparents love you I am sure. They want the best for you. But maybe they don’t know how to help and they feel guilty about that (and that’s coming out as anger.)

It’s hard to see other people’s feelings. But it can help to try.

Is there anyone you feel more close to?

I would start with them.
Ask to speak to them and apologise for being so stupid but you didn’t want to drag them into it and didn’t know how to get out of it.

They are angry mainly because they are worried about you.
It may take a bit of time but they will come around.

You need to focus on not getting into any more trouble.

The people who gave you the drugs are not your friends.

If anyone tries and makes you do things you’re not 100% comfortable with, they are not your friends.

It’s ok to stay in for a couple of weeks and not see your friends.

Perhaps you could use that couple of weeks to help around the house more and get a part time job, to show your grandparents that you are trying and to keep away from the bad influences on your life.

That sounds like a good reason to want to move away. Not run, move.

So, how do you do it? Completing an access course at a university is a possibility - you're a vulnerable student with Autism and no parent. So you could get the highest rates of support. Access courses don't have the same qualification requirements and as you've been studying at A level standard, you must already have the minimum requirements for Maths and English.

Your college could help support you to find those courses and access that support. Getting UUU doesn't mean you're banned from the premises. There are youth workers that specialise in supporting people to avoid gang/drug culture.

I'm assuming you weren't caught. So you need to ensure that you don't get dragged back into that life. Which means looking for those other paths.

It's natural for people to be angry and upset about criminal activity, especially as it's something that's had such an outcome for your mother. You can stop the cycle, though. Running away without a plan, without a home, without an income is not going to break it. Looking for the different paths can.

Part of it is my fault. If I had just been honest with my friends about how bad the situation is then they might not be mad at me like they are now.

I used to have a social worker

Mum is in prison for abuse

I’ve had an idea as an alternative to running away but I don’t know how I would do it as it’s not easy to do

Honestly there is no one that I’m close to at the moment. Everyone hates me or is extremely mad at me.

The college said they don’t think I should go back to another college as they couldn’t support me. They didn’t know about the fact that I was forced into moving drugs for people

Does college just not suit you? Try the Open University or distance learning maybe? Either way, you're really very young, you've had it very tough. There will always be bumps in the road (at all stages in life!) and you have definitely had your fair share. But things can and do get better. Do something nice/comforting for yourself now, a walk, a book, a film, whatever it is. This too shall pass, and you really never know what good thing is around the corner.

Good advice here. Let things sit a while. 'Let it be, there will be an answer, let it be' - as a wise man once said.

OP the greatest advantage of being 19 is you can leave, not running off in the middle of the night but its possible to pack up your bits get a house share somewhere and a low income job for a few months and give yourself time to process it all. I know its not that simple with the accommodation situation and deposit needed but it is possible. You may need a local job to save a bit first. Think of it like a gap year.

I'm really sorry about your Mum and in a way I see why your grandparents may have over reacted given the history there. You've been dealt a shit hand, no doubt about that.

Can you get back in touch with your previous social worker?

You don't need to run away, you can just leave.

Honestly just go, get on a plane, go work abroad for a few months. Somewhere sunny. You will meet new people and have time to process things.

You don't need to have anything figured out at 19.

I think getting away from your life just now would be great for you. Forget college. You can do that later if you want to.

It'll get better.

You haven't met everyone who will love you yet. You will be so loved. Try to take care of yourself and remember that the world is so much better with you in it. You will be okay. Keep your head up.

and running away isn't always a bad thing. starting again is always an option.

That's so nice. Really uplifting. Thank you x