Page 5 | Why do men do this???

fedupnow2 · 19/08/2023 11:38

Clickandcollect82 · 19/08/2023 09:50

“Men” don’t “do this”

Your DH does this

So true.

BibbleandSqwauk · 19/08/2023 11:41

@TreadLight will your improvised plan to get home possibly involve ringing your wife for a lift? How old are your kids? If 10+, NT and not in any way fussy about what they eat then fine to wing it a bit, but if younger, or very picky and will only eat a limited range of things you can't guarantee to buy when out, then a bag of "stuff" is necessary. Also, having money helps. If you can afford to casually fork out for a pizza restaurant (£50 for three probably) and a taxi and other snacks and drinks then fine but if not, you have to plan and pack. Dont be all "oh it's fine and easy and women make to much fuss" when you don't appreciate how peoples' situations differ.

5128gap · 19/08/2023 11:42

Gerrataere · 19/08/2023 11:21

Im not saying things can’t or aren’t changing I’m saying it’s unrealistic to expect things that have been happening for hundreds of years to suddenly stop. Especially when many women still don’t recognise or accept certain behaviours are due to instilled patriarchal ideals, like what is being shown on this thread. It’s already coming to ‘not all men, I know plenty of women like this’ rather than recognising the overall arcing issues are that men only think about their time and needs in the moment where as women are often using their time thinking about everyone and themselves.

It’s very easy to say ‘well women should stop doing everything’ but in real life, and especially speaking on a forum for mainly mothers, other people (especially children) would suffer from women refusing to think about everything that needs doing for something that seems to simple as leaving the house on time. It simply comes down to men thinking their time is more valuable than a woman’s and therefore don’t need to waste energy thinking about the little things - and until that changes we can’t blame women for what men refuse to engage in. Because when things go to shit because neither have engaged in the mental load, it’s still the woman who is blamed.

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Absolutely this.
It always makes me roll my eyes at the 'Just make him!' comments that seem to assume that every selfish lazy man is also biddable and obedient, and any poor behaviour is therefore down to a woman's failure to correct him. If she were only to MAKE him, all would be well. Who knew?
Even more ironic when this is usually combined with a statement he's 'not a child'.
Too right he's not a child. He's an autonomous adult who should he refuse to do something cannot realistically be compelled. The result of which being that essential tasks for dependents go undone. Any woman who believes otherwise is clearly living with a much more compliant man than those complained about on here.

FrangipaniBlue · 19/08/2023 11:44

ohtowinthelottery · 19/08/2023 09:48

My DH isn't like that. In fact if we agree that we're leaving at 9.30 he's more likely to have the car packed up and be standing in the car at 9.20 with his shoes on annoying the rest of us who are still getting ready! I will add that we are always all ready at the pre agreed time.

I've got one of these too!!

If. we've said we are leaving at 9.30 stop bloody hassling me from 9.15!!! 😂

HarrietJet · 19/08/2023 11:44

God, how depressing. My Dh isn't a "compliant" man, he's a bloody adult.

GreyCarpet · 19/08/2023 11:45

BibbleandSqwauk · 19/08/2023 11:41

@TreadLight will your improvised plan to get home possibly involve ringing your wife for a lift? How old are your kids? If 10+, NT and not in any way fussy about what they eat then fine to wing it a bit, but if younger, or very picky and will only eat a limited range of things you can't guarantee to buy when out, then a bag of "stuff" is necessary. Also, having money helps. If you can afford to casually fork out for a pizza restaurant (£50 for three probably) and a taxi and other snacks and drinks then fine but if not, you have to plan and pack. Dont be all "oh it's fine and easy and women make to much fuss" when you don't appreciate how peoples' situations differ.

But presumably he and his wife are parenting the same children...

Gerrataere · 19/08/2023 11:46

I grew up with the expectations that I would follow in my mother's footsteps and provide and cater for my man but I'm an intelligent individual and decided for myself that that wasn't what I wanted my life to look like.

Theres always a ‘me me me’ answer to this, rather than seeing the bigger picture of what is instilled in us from the previous generations from birth, which means yes it is a slow progress moving forward from a society that sees women as the family caregiver and life administrators.

Many women can give stories of ‘but I won’t put up with this’ or ‘I don’t know men like this’. It’s irrelevant because as a whole it is seen that men ‘simply don’t think about household tasks or are motivated by them’ as if women have a natural ability towards them but men ‘need to be told’. And that is another issue, of all the women who say they don’t know men like this, when pressed most of them do need to tell men to do things (or as someone gave as an example, tells their husband an earlier leaving time so he won’t make them late).

It’s also a moot point suggesting that women don’t have children with men if they’re like this beforehand - most of these issues start presenting after having children due to your previously mentioned ‘real’ patriarchal issues. A woman takes time off work for maternity, she feels more inclined to do household admin because the man has gone out to do ‘proper’ work. Whether she returns to work or not, this sets a precedent for the future and the cycle of the woman being the main carrier of the mental load continues…

VoldemortsSockCollection · 19/08/2023 11:46

Exh was the opposite. Would hassle and badger to leave 4 hours early for something half an hour away. He monoplised my time, he couldn't drive.

GreyCarpet · 19/08/2023 11:49

5128gap · 19/08/2023 11:42

Absolutely this.
It always makes me roll my eyes at the 'Just make him!' comments that seem to assume that every selfish lazy man is also biddable and obedient, and any poor behaviour is therefore down to a woman's failure to correct him. If she were only to MAKE him, all would be well. Who knew?
Even more ironic when this is usually combined with a statement he's 'not a child'.
Too right he's not a child. He's an autonomous adult who should he refuse to do something cannot realistically be compelled. The result of which being that essential tasks for dependents go undone. Any woman who believes otherwise is clearly living with a much more compliant man than those complained about on here.

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She could have just not married/procreated with someone lazy and useless in the first place.

I'm reading a lot about how none of this is the woman's fault but no one forces us to marry someone crap, lazy and useless. Its not a woman's fault if her husband is all of the above but it is her 'fault' she married him (in that she had a choice)..

FadeAwayAndRadiate · 19/08/2023 11:52

GreyCarpet · 19/08/2023 11:37

This just doesn't make any sense. It doesn't matter what has happened for hundreds of years. I've not been alive or doing things for hundreds of years, neither have you and neither has any other person living on the planet.

This isn't a something that requires a huge systemic overhaul (eg equality of pay/maternity leave/respecting women in the workplace) and for governments and whole societies to be on board with.

This is two people entering into a relationship with each other and communicating about how that relationship is going to run. It's about women looking for the signs early on that he's one of 'those' men and rejecting him; it's about women not assuming he'll change once children come along; it's about women deciding for themselves what they want their own relationship to look like, how they want it to functioning then looking for someone whose values are similar; it's about women not taking over doing everything because "silly, incapable man... 🙄" and then complaining a few years down the line that they are doing everything.

I was in a crappy marriage (for various reasons) for a long time but one thing he never shirked on was parenting or household chores or sharing the load when it came to holidays etc. I'm now in a relationship with a nearly 60 year old man who doesn't hold these archaic views that have supposedly been instilled in us for hundreds of years.

None of the men I've dated expected me to be responsible for them in this way either - all 40s and 50s.

I grew up with the expectations that I would follow in my mother's footsteps and provide and cater for my man but I'm an intelligent individual and decided for myself that that wasn't what I wanted my life to look like.

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100% this. Excellent post! Women doing everything, running themselves ragged, and not admitting they pretty much have only themselves to blame, makes me despair for humanity. Some women truly are utterly brainwashed!

Yes you CAN tell him to step up and get off his lazy arse FFS! If you won't, then stop complaining about doing everything, while he sits idle!

FadeAwayAndRadiate · 19/08/2023 11:52

GreyCarpet · 19/08/2023 11:49

She could have just not married/procreated with someone lazy and useless in the first place.

I'm reading a lot about how none of this is the woman's fault but no one forces us to marry someone crap, lazy and useless. Its not a woman's fault if her husband is all of the above but it is her 'fault' she married him (in that she had a choice)..

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ALSO an excellent post. I 100% agree!

seratoninmoonbeams · 19/08/2023 11:55

Parrrrple · 19/08/2023 09:40

We need to be somewhere by 11.it’s an hours drive. I wanted to set off at 9am as that will give us time to get parked, get something to eat etc … DH thought that was too early so we compromised on 9:30. He’s dat doing nothing until 8:20 at which point I reminded him he needs to start getting ready. 9:30 arrives and at this point he decides he needs a poo and a shave. Why????

I think it should be "why do people do this?" In this scenario the bartering of leaving times would be me saying to leave later and DH saying to leaver earlier. I'm never late though and always ready to go at whatever time we agree on.

Malarandras · 19/08/2023 12:01

True that nobody forces us to marry. But some men are incredibly good at pretending to be good at everything, pretending to care and pretending to take their equal share before the wedding. Then their true colours start to show. That’s what happened with me. It’s not my fault I was lied to and manipulated.

Oysterbabe · 19/08/2023 12:03

I don't know, but if I ever brutally murder my husband then this exact behaviour is likely to be the trigger.

CleverLilViper · 19/08/2023 12:03

It's not a man thing, but would drive me crazy.

I had a friend like this. I'd agree a time to pick her up to go on a night out. I'd get there and go inside and she'd not even have her make-up or hair done. More often than not, she'd not even picked what outfit she was going to wear either. It was often as if she thought that was the time she had to get ready at and not for.

That friendship didn't last as I hate time-wasters and people who think they can just turn up when they feel like. I find it really inconsiderate-especially when you'd agree to meet at a bar and spend over an hour trying to find out where she was-only to find out she's sat on her arse at home (nearly 45 minutes away) having a drink with her brother.

I don't know if it's poor time management, control, general laziness/incompetence or what. All I know is that I gave up. If I were you-I'd just leave without him.

Popworld · 19/08/2023 12:06

Hope many men do you know like this OP????

AdoraBell · 19/08/2023 12:07

My DH is the opposite.

Ragged · 19/08/2023 12:10

I'm the faffer in this household.
tbh, it's a great reason to get divorced. the controlling person is the one who insists we have to stick to an anxiety-fueled time table that would get us everywhere an hour early to be bored witless for & spend money pointlessly.
All because they have a phobia of being 1 minute late.

I hate getting to places super earlier only to stand around pointlessly.

CleverLilViper · 19/08/2023 12:14

Ragged · 19/08/2023 12:10

I'm the faffer in this household.
tbh, it's a great reason to get divorced. the controlling person is the one who insists we have to stick to an anxiety-fueled time table that would get us everywhere an hour early to be bored witless for & spend money pointlessly.
All because they have a phobia of being 1 minute late.

I hate getting to places super earlier only to stand around pointlessly.

No, the controlling person is the one that insists on fucking around needlessly to the detriment of everyone else because they can't be arsed to show up anywhere on time.

Time wasters.

off · 19/08/2023 12:14

Roald Dahl wrote a beautiful short story about this in the 1950s.

https://xpressenglish.com/our-stories/way-to-heaven/

I shared the short story with my therapist (who specialised in working with women who'd been subjected to intimate partner abuse of various kinds) once, and we had a very interesting and fruitful conversation about it.

If you have a DP like this, it's a very satisfying story.

The Way Up to Heaven – Original Text | shortsonline

She replaced the receiver and sat there at her husband's desk, patiently waiting for the man who would be coming soon to repair the lift.

https://xpressenglish.com/our-stories/way-to-heaven

Oysterbabe · 19/08/2023 12:25

off · 19/08/2023 12:14

Roald Dahl wrote a beautiful short story about this in the 1950s.

https://xpressenglish.com/our-stories/way-to-heaven/

I shared the short story with my therapist (who specialised in working with women who'd been subjected to intimate partner abuse of various kinds) once, and we had a very interesting and fruitful conversation about it.

If you have a DP like this, it's a very satisfying story.

Yes, I love this story.

For my husband it's because he cannot stand waiting for even a minute. He'll walk around for half an hour searching for a cash machine with no queue rather than stand in a queue for 5 minutes. He'd rather run and jump through the closing doors of a train than stand on a platform and wait for 5 minutes. Bit of orange traffic on the sat nav and it's immediately searching for alternative routes, even if they're longer. I'm perfectly happy, and prefer, to just wait.

5128gap · 19/08/2023 12:26

GreyCarpet · 19/08/2023 11:49

She could have just not married/procreated with someone lazy and useless in the first place.

I'm reading a lot about how none of this is the woman's fault but no one forces us to marry someone crap, lazy and useless. Its not a woman's fault if her husband is all of the above but it is her 'fault' she married him (in that she had a choice)..

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Most women don't marry selfish, lazy, mid 40s men, grown arrogant and entitled with middle age, and move immediately into a house full of children, pets and domestic chores.
Many women marry energetic motivated young men who work roughly the same hours they do, so do their fair share to keep the tiny starter home tidy. Who participate with enthusiasm in shared (fun, adult centred, pre child) social activities. Who don't feel the need to collapse in front of the TV every evening and weekend because they've been to work all week.
Men change with age and circumstances, and frequently the young man who ticked all the boxes when life was easy, turns into a middle aged one you barely recognise when life becomes more of a challenge.

Shergill15 · 19/08/2023 12:26

My ex was exactly like this - one notable occasion was a wedding we were attending and at which he was an usher. He was out the back pulling weeds at the time we were meant to leave. Both his parents are exactly the same though to be honest (his brother is the only organised one of that family) - going anywhere with them was a nightmare because of it. I also have a female friend who is notoriously late for everything so I don't need necessarily agree its a gendered thing. It is bloody frustrating though and I'm not sure people like this do ever change

FrangipaniBlue · 19/08/2023 12:34

off · 19/08/2023 12:14

Roald Dahl wrote a beautiful short story about this in the 1950s.

https://xpressenglish.com/our-stories/way-to-heaven/

I shared the short story with my therapist (who specialised in working with women who'd been subjected to intimate partner abuse of various kinds) once, and we had a very interesting and fruitful conversation about it.

If you have a DP like this, it's a very satisfying story.

That's is brilliant.

tt9 · 19/08/2023 13:14

this is absolutely not a man thing. some men I know are on time and get annoyed if others are late. some are lazy buggers.

ps time blindness is a symptom of adhd...