Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why do men do this???

153 replies

Parrrrple · 19/08/2023 09:40

We need to be somewhere by 11.it’s an hours drive. I wanted to set off at 9am as that will give us time to get parked, get something to eat etc … DH thought that was too early so we compromised on 9:30. He’s dat doing nothing until 8:20 at which point I reminded him he needs to start getting ready. 9:30 arrives and at this point he decides he needs a poo and a shave. Why????

OP posts:
littlefireseverywhere · 19/08/2023 10:43

My DH does this, it’s really not a control thing he just can’t get ready in time. EVER. So I just change the time we need to be there to accommodate.

Itsnotrightbutitsok · 19/08/2023 10:44

I’d say women are more likely to be the ones still getting ready last minute (or just at a normal time).

Most men I know tend to think they need to leave 3 hours before they do.

IME most women get somewhere in plenty of time, whereas most men get somewhere in excessive time.

HarrietJet · 19/08/2023 10:45

littlefireseverywhere · 19/08/2023 10:43

My DH does this, it’s really not a control thing he just can’t get ready in time. EVER. So I just change the time we need to be there to accommodate.

Is he late for work every morning? Can he make medical appointments in time?
I'm guessing he absolutely can get ready in good time when he needs to / wants to.

TastesLikeStrawberriesOnASummerEvening · 19/08/2023 10:47

My Dad used to do similar, and also nonsensical things like suddenly need to wipe the clean kitchen benches.
I always said it was a control thing, my Mum backed him up, no idea why, even now and they've both been dead for years.

TastesLikeStrawberriesOnASummerEvening · 19/08/2023 10:49

HarrietJet · 19/08/2023 10:45

Is he late for work every morning? Can he make medical appointments in time?
I'm guessing he absolutely can get ready in good time when he needs to / wants to.

Show quote history

I want to know too.
I bet he's not late for work every day.

TetrapanaxRex · 19/08/2023 10:50

I've never known a man like that! All the ones I've known would be up at 7 and ready to go by 8 at the latest.

JudgeRudy · 19/08/2023 10:53

This.

mosiacmaker · 19/08/2023 10:55

This isn’t a man thing. This would be me in our relationship and my DH would be the one sticking to time.

Pixiedust1234 · 19/08/2023 11:01

My DH does this. I have now realised how much control and manipulation he does to me, my life and the children. It's only taken me thirty years.

Having a shave or shower at the last minute is him saying a big FUCK YOU.

gabbyaggy · 19/08/2023 11:03

Are you highly organised and anal regarding every day routine, perhaps your husband isn't, maybe he doesn't like it?

drinkuptheezider · 19/08/2023 11:05

I know far more women than men that do this.

FadeAwayAndRadiate · 19/08/2023 11:11

Gerrataere · 19/08/2023 10:26

Women have been conditioned for millennia to be caretakers of men and family, it is not something you simply snap out of as a collective. To think it’s a woman’s fault she’s been conditioned to be like this is quite frankly misogynistic and naive. But we are seeing more and more women becoming very fed up of the very real male behaviour of using women as essentially a household secretary where their only concern is the importance of their own time in the overall scheme of the day.

Show quote history

You can't actually be serious right now! If we keep using this 'women have been conditioned for millennia to serve men - so they can't just stop it' trope, then nothing will ever change will it?! If other women think like you, nothing will ever change!

Women need to put their foot down and stop being used, and stop being trod on. There's nothing misogynistic or naive about saying this. It's 2023 for goodness sake. It's not the early 1900s, or Victorian times. Women need to say (to idle men,) 'get off your fucking arse and do something!'

Using the line 'women have being conditioned for many millennia so they can't help themselves waiting on men and being their servant' is pitiful and absolutely ludicrous.

PLUS you don't know if women were conditioned to serve men many millennia ago. History only goes back (accurately) a few centuries.

5128gap · 19/08/2023 11:11

Didn't want to leave that early but too weak to be upfront and argue his case.
Only taking into account the time he personally needs to get ready. Helping with DC, loading the dishwasher, feeding the dog not something he bothers to think about.
Can't be bothered to make an effort for this trip. Presumably he's on time when it's work?
Any or all of the above. And while women can often also be late, it's almost never for these reasons.

FadeAwayAndRadiate · 19/08/2023 11:17

GreyCarpet · 19/08/2023 10:35

Totally agree.

My partner and I went on holiday last week. I suggested the place, he found a hotel together and he booked it. He filled the car up with fuel, did his own packing, planned the route... I packed my own bag and he packed everything into the car. If I thought of anything and asked him, it had already been done...

I'm often reminded of my mother. She liked to take control of things and would tell everyone nothing would get done ifnit werent for her. The reality was she wouldnt let anyone else do anything. If anyone tried, she would huff and criticise scathingly and undo and redo whatever had been done. She would also refuse all offers of help or requests to take responsibility for something. And would then sit and cry because everything had been left to her as usual and no one cared. It got really tiresome in the end.

Not suggesting anyone here does this but some women do have a tendency to martyr themselves in the belief that no one else would do it properly.

Show quote history

Thank you. Yes, exactly this. Many women, not all, but many women, do martyr themselves ... They take charge of absolutely everything and run themselves ragged and get really stressed doing it. And then they complain that nobody's helped, that the kids are bone idle and the husband is bone idle.

But then, God forbid, the husband actually does step up to do something. Some women say he's not doing it right anyway! Confused

But yeah, seriously, you can't complain that your life is really stressful because your partner doesn't do anything - when you're doing it all yourself and you don't tell him to do something, MAKE him do something. He's not a child... he's an adult. You should be 50-50 in your relationship, not 95-5 for goodness sake.

Yeah I know women shouldn't HAVE to ask or tell. But if they have obviously got so used to the woman doing everything then they NEED telling.

Time to make men step up. Stop doing everything and then complaining when he is not doing anything to help, when you're probably not even telling him to.

TheSlowRush · 19/08/2023 11:19

My ex used to do this.

He was a controlling, abusive psychopath.

2chocolateoranges · 19/08/2023 11:19

Clickandcollect82 · 19/08/2023 10:38

It’s like you’re talking about someone with learning difficulties
or a child

Show quote history

What me or him? Neither of your suggestions are true. He is just shit at time management.

he is very articulate, clever, kind, caring but so disorganised time wise.

me I like being early and he doesn’t see the point in being early. He wants to arrive right on time or 5 mins late whereas I want to be there with at least 15/ 20 minutes to spare.

5128gap · 19/08/2023 11:19

drinkuptheezider · 19/08/2023 11:05

I know far more women than men that do this.

How so? I'd have thought causing a delay by leaving a toilet trip too close to departure time wouldn't be something that was known to anyone but their unfortunate partner.

Brefugee · 19/08/2023 11:21

a friend of mine had this. She started just keeping to her plans and letting/making him catch up. The result was only that he did it for things he didn't want to go to and was on time for other things.
So she left him. His 2nd wife is complaining about the same thing...

Gerrataere · 19/08/2023 11:21

FadeAwayAndRadiate · 19/08/2023 11:11

You can't actually be serious right now! If we keep using this 'women have been conditioned for millennia to serve men - so they can't just stop it' trope, then nothing will ever change will it?! If other women think like you, nothing will ever change!

Women need to put their foot down and stop being used, and stop being trod on. There's nothing misogynistic or naive about saying this. It's 2023 for goodness sake. It's not the early 1900s, or Victorian times. Women need to say (to idle men,) 'get off your fucking arse and do something!'

Using the line 'women have being conditioned for many millennia so they can't help themselves waiting on men and being their servant' is pitiful and absolutely ludicrous.

PLUS you don't know if women were conditioned to serve men many millennia ago. History only goes back (accurately) a few centuries.

Show quote history

Im not saying things can’t or aren’t changing I’m saying it’s unrealistic to expect things that have been happening for hundreds of years to suddenly stop. Especially when many women still don’t recognise or accept certain behaviours are due to instilled patriarchal ideals, like what is being shown on this thread. It’s already coming to ‘not all men, I know plenty of women like this’ rather than recognising the overall arcing issues are that men only think about their time and needs in the moment where as women are often using their time thinking about everyone and themselves.

It’s very easy to say ‘well women should stop doing everything’ but in real life, and especially speaking on a forum for mainly mothers, other people (especially children) would suffer from women refusing to think about everything that needs doing for something that seems to simple as leaving the house on time. It simply comes down to men thinking their time is more valuable than a woman’s and therefore don’t need to waste energy thinking about the little things - and until that changes we can’t blame women for what men refuse to engage in. Because when things go to shit because neither have engaged in the mental load, it’s still the woman who is blamed.

MissHarrietBede · 19/08/2023 11:26

malificent7 · 19/08/2023 09:45

Faffing designed to control.

Yes, read so many threads on this. Faffing, suddenly finding urgent jobs like mowing the lawn or just HAVING to fix a broken thing thats been broken for months, while the family are waiting in the car.

Definitely a control tactic. An ex did this to show his 'importance', by having everyone waiting around for him🙄

HarrietJet · 19/08/2023 11:30

Pixiedust1234 · 19/08/2023 11:01

My DH does this. I have now realised how much control and manipulation he does to me, my life and the children. It's only taken me thirty years.

Having a shave or shower at the last minute is him saying a big FUCK YOU.

If he needs to send a great big FUCK YOU in your direction every time you do anything together, you've got far bigger problems than being late for dinner.

drunkpeacock · 19/08/2023 11:32

"Men" don't do this, people do this when they don't want to set off at the time you agreed. I went on holiday with a woman who did exactly this and as I always like to arrive early and "get settled" it created a very difficult dynamic.

I'm interested to know what time he wanted to set off and what time you actually ended up setting off. I'll bet they're pretty similar 😆

accidentalteacher · 19/08/2023 11:33

If your partner can organise himself to be ready to leave on time for something for himself, but needs constant reminders and chivvying up to be ready for something you have organised, I would suggest his opinion is that his plans are much more important than yours.

10HailMarys · 19/08/2023 11:36

This isn’t a gender thing. Loads of women do it too. My brother’s ex wife always, always made the whole family late for everything by suddenly deciding at the last minute that one of the kids should have plaits instead of a ponytail, or by phoning her sister for a long chat just as they were meant to be leaving. I also used to work for a woman who would routinely wait until the very moment we had to leave for a meeting to do some random non-urgent call or admin task. She was my boss so I couldn’t even object, but I would regularly standing at the door of the office at the time she’d told me to be ready while she faffed about. Then we’d get to the Tube really late and have to literally sprint to make our meeting on time while she shrieked at me to hurry up because we were late, as if it was my fault.

GreyCarpet · 19/08/2023 11:37

Gerrataere · 19/08/2023 11:21

Im not saying things can’t or aren’t changing I’m saying it’s unrealistic to expect things that have been happening for hundreds of years to suddenly stop. Especially when many women still don’t recognise or accept certain behaviours are due to instilled patriarchal ideals, like what is being shown on this thread. It’s already coming to ‘not all men, I know plenty of women like this’ rather than recognising the overall arcing issues are that men only think about their time and needs in the moment where as women are often using their time thinking about everyone and themselves.

It’s very easy to say ‘well women should stop doing everything’ but in real life, and especially speaking on a forum for mainly mothers, other people (especially children) would suffer from women refusing to think about everything that needs doing for something that seems to simple as leaving the house on time. It simply comes down to men thinking their time is more valuable than a woman’s and therefore don’t need to waste energy thinking about the little things - and until that changes we can’t blame women for what men refuse to engage in. Because when things go to shit because neither have engaged in the mental load, it’s still the woman who is blamed.

Show quote history

This just doesn't make any sense. It doesn't matter what has happened for hundreds of years. I've not been alive or doing things for hundreds of years, neither have you and neither has any other person living on the planet.

This isn't a something that requires a huge systemic overhaul (eg equality of pay/maternity leave/respecting women in the workplace) and for governments and whole societies to be on board with.

This is two people entering into a relationship with each other and communicating about how that relationship is going to run. It's about women looking for the signs early on that he's one of 'those' men and rejecting him; it's about women not assuming he'll change once children come along; it's about women deciding for themselves what they want their own relationship to look like, how they want it to functioning then looking for someone whose values are similar; it's about women not taking over doing everything because "silly, incapable man... 🙄" and then complaining a few years down the line that they are doing everything.

I was in a crappy marriage (for various reasons) for a long time but one thing he never shirked on was parenting or household chores or sharing the load when it came to holidays etc. I'm now in a relationship with a nearly 60 year old man who doesn't hold these archaic views that have supposedly been instilled in us for hundreds of years.

None of the men I've dated expected me to be responsible for them in this way either - all 40s and 50s.

I grew up with the expectations that I would follow in my mother's footsteps and provide and cater for my man but I'm an intelligent individual and decided for myself that that wasn't what I wanted my life to look like.