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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just turned 14 year old daughter out until 7am in holiday town

308 replies

Teenoutallnight · 19/08/2023 09:00

I just want to get some other opinions on this as I’m really angry with both my DD14 and her dad. For context we’re not together and haven’t been for many years and at some points have co-parented fine.

They visit a holiday park in the UK several times a year. A couple of months ago, when she was there, it turned out she had stayed out until at least 3.30 in the morning, sitting on the sea front, with a couple of teen boys (friends). I found this out because I was looking for a photo on her camera roll and saw pictures taken of her and friends at those times. Her dad didn’t even stay up to make sure she got back in safely. At the time her punishment was to not be able to stay down there for more than one night and to let me know when she was in and safe.

Fast forward to today and she has come back from a week away down there. We’d turned on family sharing on apple so I could see her location. On her last night she turned this off. It turns out she got home at 7am having been out roaming the town all night. She just turned 14 two weeks ago. She was with two friends and two new kids they’d met. I have no idea what they were doing 10-7am and not did her dad or any of the other parents. Her dad did know she was out though and allowed her to stay out/went to bed himself.

She was given boundaries and trust and I really feel like she’s broken them. She’s also an emotional wreck having had a night of no sleep. I plan to take her phone away for a week and not allow her to go down there again this year (park closes in October)

Her dad for his part lied and said he was stargazing with her and then that he was with them but she’s said he wasn’t. He has also said that he thinks the freedom is good for her and that she was ‘safe’ as she was with other kids. I don’t think freedom is a kid with their location turned off with other kids (some of whom they don’t know) roaming the town until 7am.

I guess I’m asking how you would respond to this, are my punishments too harsh (she’s devastated about losing her Snapchat streak), would you be angry?

For voting purposes

YABU - chill she’s 14 and being out until 7am is reasonable
YANBU - not a chance in hell my 14 year old would be allowed to be out until 7am

OP posts:
Duchessofspace · 19/08/2023 11:05

HamishTheCamel · 19/08/2023 09:10

I don't think it's fair to punish her. Her dad is the one I'd be mad at!

This - I would be calling SS about his parenting if anything and reporting him and I’m sure any safeguarding lead would agree this is a high risk safeguarding incident.

That’s not parenting and it’s very easy for her to be pressured into vaping, drugs, sex when the adults have absolved themselves of responsibility- when would he notice she hasn’t come home? All nighters are not for the faint hearted I did a few in my 20s but absolutely not with people I didn’t know. He probably feels he would be safe - a 14 year old girl - not

I don’t know if this helps but I have a deal with my 16 year old since she was about 13 that if she texts or phones are asks ‘how is Rover?’ Our dog - that I will immediately come and get her wherever she is with absolutely no questions asked, no punishment nothing just come and get her whatever time wherever she is.

Duchessofspace · 19/08/2023 11:06

Teenoutallnight · 19/08/2023 09:17

I guess another question then is what would you do when her dad doesn’t listen but she’s in what I consider unsafe environments etc when with him?

If he thinks her being out until 7am is ok and won’t put boundaries in place am I meant to just accept that?

Report him to the police and social services - it’s a serious safeguarding risk - stop contact immediately and tell him in writing why

Lastchancechica · 19/08/2023 11:07

I would remove all overnight care from him due to safe guarding concerns. Evidence the evenings she has been roaming and left alone all night, he won’t take you to court - but just in case.

Thesenderofthiscard · 19/08/2023 11:09

‘I would remove all overnight care from him due to safe guarding concerns.’

Yup. And if he doesn’t like it, let him sit in family and explain why it’s not fair

Thesenderofthiscard · 19/08/2023 11:09

Family court

Josell12345 · 19/08/2023 11:10

Total abdication of parental duty. Imagine his horror if something happened to her. He really needs to give his head a wobble. Teens always assume nothing will happen and they can do what they like. Ive got 6 kids, eldest 36 and youngest almost 17 but no chance would that have happened with any of them. My youngest now has just had a curfew lifted as hes left school and even then I expect him in at a reasonable time, which amazingly he is so far. But 7am, dear God the mans an utter irresponsible fool. I dont think Id be happy her going away with him again as he clearly is missing the point of responsible parenting and just wants to be the irresponsible adult - but I dont know how you stop it at this point.

wizzywig · 19/08/2023 11:11

Is he using that time to have fun??

Lastchancechica · 19/08/2023 11:11

This is completely unacceptable by any standard. Take control, inform her father in writing that you are removing overnight care, state clearly the reasons why. I would advise him that you intend to inform the police and social services unless he complies and put your kids first.

Outerlimit · 19/08/2023 11:11

@FerryPink

"Co" parenting with a negligent idiot is a minefield

Not sure if this should be on a fridge magnet, mug, tee shirt or all three.

FerryPink · 19/08/2023 11:12

Thesenderofthiscard · 19/08/2023 11:09

‘I would remove all overnight care from him due to safe guarding concerns.’

Yup. And if he doesn’t like it, let him sit in family and explain why it’s not fair

And family court will probably say, as they said to my friend in similar circumstances " different parenting styles".

I:m not saying op shouldnt consider it, but I think people are very naive about how little the family court cares about child safety. My ex put mine and my sons life at risk multiple times and they just shrugged (in fact one big red faced bully of a cafcass officer just laughed in my face)

Josell12345 · 19/08/2023 11:13

As a foster carer with soc workers in the family and friends with several more incl managers, I dont think theyd do much at this point. It depends who the LA is as theyre all a bit different and they might have a chat about safeguarding but cant imagine any proceedings

FerryPink · 19/08/2023 11:13

Outerlimit · 19/08/2023 11:11

@FerryPink

"Co" parenting with a negligent idiot is a minefield

Not sure if this should be on a fridge magnet, mug, tee shirt or all three.

Grin

It's heartbreaking though really. I left because life felt unsafe and I still think it was the right thing. But it was out of the frying pan into the fire in many ways

Lastchancechica · 19/08/2023 11:13

No family court in the land would agree with the continuation of a parent as negligent as this. Keep the records, messages and evidence.

anyolddinosaur · 19/08/2023 11:15

Total parenting fail from her father but just stopping her going there is enough. Rather than take the phone away for a week let her earn it back by researching teenage pregnancy rates or reading flour babies by anne fine.

FerryPink · 19/08/2023 11:16

Lastchancechica · 19/08/2023 11:13

No family court in the land would agree with the continuation of a parent as negligent as this. Keep the records, messages and evidence.

Agree with keeping evidence. But I have supported my friend through pretty much this exact same scenario and she was the one told off by the family court for withholding contact Hmm

primoseyellow · 19/08/2023 11:17

@cocunut Are you serious? Holiday parks are notorious for pedophiles and I would be climbing the walls if this was my child. Just turned 14 and out all night, nope I don't think so.

Thatboymum · 19/08/2023 11:19

Teenoutallnight · 19/08/2023 09:17

I guess another question then is what would you do when her dad doesn’t listen but she’s in what I consider unsafe environments etc when with him?

If he thinks her being out until 7am is ok and won’t put boundaries in place am I meant to just accept that?

In all honesty when my child co parent wasn’t acting in my child’s best interest and refused to work with me or reason and it led my child to be in countless unsafe situations I phoned social work and they visited him and that seemed to work. I don’t fuck about when it comes to my child’s safety. I agree with others don’t take her phone it’s pointless it won’t teach her anything. She’s a hormonal teenager who is confused about mixed boundaries her dad allowed this so technically she done no wrong it’s not her fault her dads an ass

fedupnow2 · 19/08/2023 11:19

HamishTheCamel · 19/08/2023 09:10

I don't think it's fair to punish her. Her dad is the one I'd be mad at!

What? She's 14 but not old enough to be punished? She intentionally turned her location off. She's well old enough to be punished.

primoseyellow · 19/08/2023 11:19

@Josell12345 exactly what I think, can you imagine god forbid if something happened?

The first thing police /people would be thinking is a just turned 14 yr old out all night with no adult supervision.

Thesenderofthiscard · 19/08/2023 11:21

Not sure this loser would get his act together to go to court anyway. Sounds like the easiest route is what he wants

Tumbleweed101 · 19/08/2023 11:22

I have a 14yo and like you I'd be worried about this situation too.

The main point I would be emphasising though would be her being contactable at all times and to keep the roaming on so you can find her. Explain that the reason is simply helping her if she needs help. It sounds like you have little control over her actually being out if the other parent is allowing this out of your care but her staying contactable is the thing to concentrate on.

User12334tt6899p · 19/08/2023 11:22

I've named changed for this.

Many years ago we admitted a teenage girl to A&E. She'd been found lying at the side of a road and had clearly been assaulted.
I was going to write about how she presented but I actually can't, its too horrible to write it and I still feel the gorge rising after all this time. We couldn't admit her properly because she was pretty much catatonic after her ordeal and couldn't really speak to us. I think she was about 14 or 15. I would usually try to follow up cases like this but this one I just couldn't. If I felt like that, and pretty much still do I can't imagine how difficult and awful it must havd been for that poor wee soul to recover. I hope she's okay but I think it would have taken a miracle.

It remains far and away the most awful thing I've seen. Perhaps read this to your stupid lazy exDH and ask if this is the risk he wants to take.

fedupnow2 · 19/08/2023 11:22

Yanbu, I really don't identify with some posters on here who think it's normal to let 14 year olds run the streets at all times of the night. I have very young dc but lots of friends with teens and none of them do this. In fact they still ask their parents for permission for even daytime stuff. I'm really amazed at people who let their young children do whatever they want and just 'trust' in them.

fedupnow2 · 19/08/2023 11:24

primoseyellow · 19/08/2023 11:19

@Josell12345 exactly what I think, can you imagine god forbid if something happened?

The first thing police /people would be thinking is a just turned 14 yr old out all night with no adult supervision.

Yes exactly, what kind of parents allow their kids to run the streets like this.

Hadjab · 19/08/2023 11:25

cocunut · 19/08/2023 09:18

YABU and very precious. They're in a group, they have phones, they're in a holiday park..?? I don't see the issue at all here unless they are drinking underage which obviously is illegal and dangerous.

Really? You think just because she’s with ‘friends’ she’s safe? Were you born yesterday?

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