AIBU to consider not telling this lady the truth even though I promised her I would?

[Amy995]

I’ll try to keep this as short as I can with providing all the detail necessary, apologies if it’s really long.

about a year and a half ago I met a man and started a very casual relationship. I eventually find out he had a girlfriend the whole time I only found this out because she had gotten onto his phone and found the messages between us so messaged me. It was difficult she was very rude to me at first I don’t think she knew I was unaware, she couldn’t see how I didn’t know because they were very public with their relationship on social media but after her finding out I didn’t have him on any social media so couldn’t see any of that she was nicer to me. I told her the whole truth of what had gone on and she asked me to tell her if he ever tried to contact me again. And he did try and every time I’d tell her, she would rant about him and thank me for the information but never left him and this cycle went on and on for months.

i don’t hear anything for a long time maybe 6 months, but now I’m getting messages again. I’ve found out they’ve been engaged for about two months. So this time I message him and say this isn’t fair it’s not right to treat his fiancé this way and he’s got to stop this now. He says the same things he’s always said which is he’s unhappy in the relationship but feels trapped and he only proposed out of pressure and trying to make things better with them. (I don’t believe any of this I know he thinks he can have his cake and eat it) but my question is, when do I give up on telling this girl? In the video of the proposal they uploaded she’s so happy she’s in floods of tears and everyone there is clapping, you can tell how elated she is that he’s proposed to her. I almost feel now it’s cruel to keep telling her, she will never leave she loves him too much. Usually I’d always say the right thing is to tell the girlfriend but in this instance I feel she already knows what he is and is just too happy with him to leave. I don’t want to be someone who just keeps shoving a mirror up to her face and probably breaking her heart with the things I’m telling her. For the first time I feel like ignorance is bliss in this situation. Ill never go with this man I’m not the other woman or anything so the only bad thing I am doing now is keeping the information to myself. I don’t know if he’s cheating on her with other women or if he just gets bored once in a while and just tries to pull me back in. Has it reached a point where I just say this isn’t my business anymore more and leave them to their relationship and maybe she will accept him or maybe one day she will wake up but I don’t think that day is now or any time soon.

to clarify, it makes no real difference to me if their together or not. I don’t want this man I’m not waiting in the wings for this relationship to end or anything the only thing I feel is I want people to be happy, I want no role in making anybody unhappy. The woman in me would feel satisfied seeing her leave this man and go on to meet someone who will treat her well but other than that I don’t really mind what she chooses to do, I don’t judge her for not being able to leave right now. But I just want to do the right thing. Also I DO block him but he ends up making new social media accounts to contact me, it’s not at the point he’s harassing me or anything because it happens every few months and if I don’t reply or tell him to stop messaging he will leave me be, it’s more of an annoying ‘here we go again’ for me.

please be kind with your advice I really do just want to do the kindest thing, it’s just hard to know what the kind thing is anymore.

Thank you for reading xx

I think leave it now. She knows what she's getting herself into. Just ignore any of his advances, and if he gets persistent then report his for harassment.

Just block him and stay out of it.. not your circus, not your monkeys

You ignore him, even to the extent of not blocking him because that only gives him the incentive to try again. And sadly, you let her make her own bed to lie on. She has made her choice, wouldn’t be yours, wouldn’t be mine , but it’s hers.

I would tell her, and then block both of them.

1. screenshot and send to her. Then don't engage in any further conversation.

2. Also I DO block him but he ends up making new social media accounts to contact me, it’s not at the point he’s harassing me or anything

This IS harassment. Report him to the police and tell them both that's what yoire doing.

3. block her as well.

Block him. She asked you to tell her if he did it again. If you block him he can't even if he wanted to. Perhaps something you should have done a long time ago.

I'm always on the side of telling the wife or girlfriend in these situations, but you've done your bit. No more. She's obviously not going to leave him and he sounds equally moronic getting in touch with the same woman that is exposing his behaviour again...and again. It sounds like he wants you to end the relationship for him as he doesn't have the guts.

Forward his message so she has it from the horses mouth. Then block both. You can't help some people.

Sorry, I missed that you've already tried to do that. Ignore me.

I think I would send one last message to say along the lines of 'I know you are engaged now, but your fiance is still messaging me. I keep blocking him etc.' Then state that this is the last time you will message her as it seems clear she doesn't really want to hear it. Then block them both.

I would be inclined to tell her one more time but say it will be the last time, because she doesn't appear to want to leave him. Then I would block them both and move on, and if he ever contacts you again with a new account, don‘t engage and keep blocking. He‘ll soon get the message.

Block them both.. everytime he makes a new account.. don't reply.. just block.. he will soon get the message.. then get on enjoying your life and forget them both..

So, he's messaging you asking to hook up, you've been turning him down, and you've been telling the girlfriend each time it happens - have I got that right?

You don't owe either of these people anything.

If you really aren't interested in him, and he still keeps sending you unwanted messages, you need to tell him very clearly to stop, and that if he continues to message you against your wishes you'll consider it to be harassment. It doesn't matter that it's infrequent or that you can ignore him - it's still harassment if he keeps getting in touch and is constantly making new accounts to do that. He is ignoring your wish to be left alone.

The girlfriend is already aware that her boyfriend messages other women, because you have told her many times, and she has repeatedly chosen not to leave him. That's her problem, not yours. You are not responsible for her in any way whatsoever.

They are both being unfair to drag you into their toxic mess of a relationship and they both sound fucking nuts to be quite honest. I'd block her as well as him.

"I don’t think she knew I was unaware, she couldn’t see how I didn’t know because they were very public with their relationship on social media but after her finding out I didn’t have him on any social media so couldn’t see any of that she was nicer to me."

"In the video of the proposal they uploaded she’s so happy she’s in floods of tears and everyone there is clapping, you can tell how elated she is that he’s proposed to her."

So you couldn't possible have seen their relationship play out in public when you were going out with him, but you are watching now?

I would contact her one last time saying that he has made contact again, this is the last time you will notify her, and that if he does it again you will go to the police with a harassment complaint and she can find out that way. Reply to him one last time saying the same thing. Then block them both and move on with your life.

I don't think you owe her anything. You've told her things before so she knows the score and you shouldn't feel you have this ongoing obligation to give her constant updates. You could however point out to him if he contacts you again then you will tell her if he contacts you again.

Block him.

Your relationship is over. She knows who he is. You have no responsibilities here.

I would tell her one last time saying it is getting ridiculous now and that you won't be contacting her again on this point.

I don’t understand why you’re still talking to him.

Tell her what you know and then say you don’t want anymore to do with it and then block them both and move on.

Yeah you owe her nothing, so fine to do nothing. Personally he’s such a dick I couldn’t not send it on to her and say this is the last time you will do it, as you find it quite stressful. If you hear from him again you will report him to the police for harassment. Then block both again and leave it at that.

I wouldn't bother telling her anymore and would block them both. You have told her numerous times and whe chooses to stay. She is creating her own situation now. Leave her to it.

Tell him you'll report him for harassment if he ever contacts you again and then block him.

I'd block both of them and forget about it. She knows he's a cheater and she's willing to marry him anyway.

I'm not sure why you haven't blocked him already though? Why does he deserve any of your time or headspace?

Are you sure you are not enjoying this? Because there really is a very easy solution, you block him and ignore him if he starts new accounts. Job done.

@Blancc Well spotted - that part doesn’t add up Op.