AIBU to consider not telling this lady the truth even though I promised her I would?

[Amy995]

I’ll try to keep this as short as I can with providing all the detail necessary, apologies if it’s really long.

about a year and a half ago I met a man and started a very casual relationship. I eventually find out he had a girlfriend the whole time I only found this out because she had gotten onto his phone and found the messages between us so messaged me. It was difficult she was very rude to me at first I don’t think she knew I was unaware, she couldn’t see how I didn’t know because they were very public with their relationship on social media but after her finding out I didn’t have him on any social media so couldn’t see any of that she was nicer to me. I told her the whole truth of what had gone on and she asked me to tell her if he ever tried to contact me again. And he did try and every time I’d tell her, she would rant about him and thank me for the information but never left him and this cycle went on and on for months.

i don’t hear anything for a long time maybe 6 months, but now I’m getting messages again. I’ve found out they’ve been engaged for about two months. So this time I message him and say this isn’t fair it’s not right to treat his fiancé this way and he’s got to stop this now. He says the same things he’s always said which is he’s unhappy in the relationship but feels trapped and he only proposed out of pressure and trying to make things better with them. (I don’t believe any of this I know he thinks he can have his cake and eat it) but my question is, when do I give up on telling this girl? In the video of the proposal they uploaded she’s so happy she’s in floods of tears and everyone there is clapping, you can tell how elated she is that he’s proposed to her. I almost feel now it’s cruel to keep telling her, she will never leave she loves him too much. Usually I’d always say the right thing is to tell the girlfriend but in this instance I feel she already knows what he is and is just too happy with him to leave. I don’t want to be someone who just keeps shoving a mirror up to her face and probably breaking her heart with the things I’m telling her. For the first time I feel like ignorance is bliss in this situation. Ill never go with this man I’m not the other woman or anything so the only bad thing I am doing now is keeping the information to myself. I don’t know if he’s cheating on her with other women or if he just gets bored once in a while and just tries to pull me back in. Has it reached a point where I just say this isn’t my business anymore more and leave them to their relationship and maybe she will accept him or maybe one day she will wake up but I don’t think that day is now or any time soon.

to clarify, it makes no real difference to me if their together or not. I don’t want this man I’m not waiting in the wings for this relationship to end or anything the only thing I feel is I want people to be happy, I want no role in making anybody unhappy. The woman in me would feel satisfied seeing her leave this man and go on to meet someone who will treat her well but other than that I don’t really mind what she chooses to do, I don’t judge her for not being able to leave right now. But I just want to do the right thing. Also I DO block him but he ends up making new social media accounts to contact me, it’s not at the point he’s harassing me or anything because it happens every few months and if I don’t reply or tell him to stop messaging he will leave me be, it’s more of an annoying ‘here we go again’ for me.

please be kind with your advice I really do just want to do the kindest thing, it’s just hard to know what the kind thing is anymore.

Thank you for reading xx

Block the pair of them. On WhatsApp and everything else. You've done enough to warn her, it's not your fault she's not listening.

I'd sent her one last message with screenshots saying "This will be the last time I tell you that 'X' has contacted me. I think I've done more than my part, now it's up to you to decide what you really want. I will be blocking you after I send this message. Please don't contact me again".

I'd send him one last message saying "I have sent 'Y' screenshots of your last messages. I have repeatedly told you to stop contacting me. I am notifying you that your behaviour constitutes harassment and if you contact me again IN ANY WAY I will be contacting the police".

Then block them both. If he does contact you again you need to follow through with contacting the police.

He's getting some kind of kicks out of repeatedly contacting you, although what kicks it can be from being repeatedly shot down and blocked I have no idea.

I actually feel sorry for her. What on earth hold he has over her to repeatedly cheat on her and for her to stay is a scary thing to think about. I say 'repeatedly' because I don't think you're the only iron in his fire, you're just one that keeps turning him down.

OP, ignore the posters who are trying to pick holes. You don't need to explain anything to them.

Honestly, either suggestion is fine I think.

A - message one last time and make that clear to her.
B - ignore him and block again.

Whichever option brings you more peace.

Did you see the guy again after finding out he had a girlfriend? Not sure why he is still so adamant to contact you if you cut it off and have shown no interest since. Especially since you say his contact doesn’t bother you and isn’t harassment.

and I too doubt you had never seen his social media.

when you say don’t question me…that is a pretty sure sign of hiding details

Yeah I would do this. Do it on Whatsapp and block them both.

Then they both know that they both know and the shit show that happens here on in is up to them. Personally I would add "I cannot imagine why you would want to marry each other, when one of you constantly cheats and says that he is unhappy and trapped and the other one is being lied to and cheated on, but whatever you decide, I request that neither of you contact me again or I will be reporting that person to the police for harrassment."

Thanks everyone for the advice I'm going to have a think on how to handle this.

Im sorry I've come across badly to some of you. I am a mum so use Mumsnet a lot but without revealing my age, I am very young still. I'm younger than my username insinuates I did this to try and hide my identity. Why I point that out is because perhaps I have made mistakes and dealt with this all wrong. But not because I'm enjoying the drama but because I've never had this happen before and I really wanted the advice of women who have more wisdom than me, because I want to be kind I am really keen for this girl to know I take no pleasure in this. In fact rightly or wrongly I do feel very guilty every time he gets back in touch even though I've only ever ignored and blocked or told to go away and leave me alone and block. It causes me a lot of stress because this all started because I was a young lonely single mother and wanted to date somebody again. I never ever imagined I'd meet someone like that man and that it would follow me for all this time. To be a young single mum sometimes can hold enough judgment from people in life the last thing I want is for people to think I enjoy the demise of peoples relationships, unfortunately my life is already hard enough without this. I don't really know why I've let people here bother me so much, I've had so many kind comments which I'm so grateful for but when I read the more nasty ones my heart sinks and they are all I can think about now so please just think before commenting because I really am not a bad person I just am going through life and I'm trying my best to make the right choices. I want people to be happy I don't want any of this drama. Now I'm a bit scared I come across as playing the sympathy card but I don't mean to I just feel a bit on edge now I hate that people think badly of me On this thread I don't like confrontation but I probably should just get a thicker skin if I plan to ask for advice online. Anyway, im sorry I've rambled on so much. Mumsnet has so many nice people here So truly thank you so everyone who took time out of their days to advise me on what to do.

Sometimes people will post on Mumsnet and you might read what they've said and find inconsistencies and then think they are liars or not giving the full story or whatever else, please remember this can sometimes be because people sometimes have to leave bits out to avoid someone They know In real life reading this and being able to figure out who the poster is. Not everything is rooted in bad intentions so please just don't jump to conclusions, I notice this happens a lot on this site and it's quite sad.

I have one similar. He pops up every six months or so.

I genuinely think that when he is bored he just goes through his phone and messages every ex on there to see if anyone bites. He certainly doesnt seem too bothered to not get a reply. On the odd occassion I have told him to sod off he just says "Ok" and thats it for another six months. I think the difference with the OP is that she was actually seeing him so had an emotional investment so feels maybe a greater sense of responsibility to his fiancee. She is giving it all too much head space (the looking on SM to see if they are still together etc), it doesnt matter if he is shagging the entire England Football team, she doesnt want to talk to him end of. I would make sure I report every new SM account he uses though, if you do it often enough I believe that they can be restricted on making new accounts.

If the OP was the only side piece he has had, and the only woman he messages then I would be very surprised.

Keep blocking, don't engage at all.

I agree with this. You need to tell her that the previous deal is off.

Tell her - yet again - that he’s been messaging you, and that you have now blocked him (something you should have done ages ago)

And that you are heartily sick of the situation, so this is the last time you are going to be messaging her about her chronically philandering fiancée, regardless of how many times he uses different accounts/numbers to get through.

Then block her too

She’ll probably demonise you as the hussy that ruined it all whatever you do, so may as well do the least possible. But do tell her that’s the new deal

Screen shot messages, send the, to her, and the tell her youve had enough of their drama and are blocking them both from now on.

I would tell her because being engaged is a different commitment and she may think he's changed. But I wouldn't engage with either of them any further after that. If she chooses to continue the engagement, at least she will be doing so with all the information.
After telling her, or forwarding her the messages, I'd tell her that you're going to block her too because you are tired of being pulled into their relationship drama. Then block them both and put all this behind you.
He may be less keen to crawl out of the woodwork in the future if he knows you've messaged his fiancée. He may not. But just block, report.

As the saying goes fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.

OP you have told her multiple times in the past it keeps happening. I don't think telling her again will make a difference. Just ignore and block. If he sets up yet another profile though and continues then I would contact the police for harassment.

Like some others have said, I think you should contact her one more time and tell her he has messaged you again but seeing as telling her makes no difference you are going to stop now. They're both fools.

This - perfect way to deal with it in my view. If you block him and he still opens another account, go to the police - and don't reply to his new profile!

No I never saw him again and that's the truth.

I truly have never seen his social media I'm blocked even to this day. This was a key In getting her to believe I couldn't have known, I showed her that he did not come up when I searched his name and this is what got her to trust that I couldn't have known. So doubt all you like but that part isn't up for debate in this really because she can see the lengths he's gone to to keep us two from ever learning of each other.

As for why he's so desperate to get into contact with me I believe I know why. My theory on him is, his motivations are purely to get sex from me I don't believe for a second he means it when he says he wants to be with me but she won't allow him to leave and when he says all the lovey dovey stuff like he misses me and thinks about me and wishes he had met me first, to me he's so arrogant and has an ego so big he thinks that I won't be able to resist this and I will go back to him. I'm probably in a long line of women who he tries the same method with and perhaps some girls do fall for it, one thing I know is his current partner is able to be convinced by him that she should forgive him I know this because when I spoke to her she told me this had happened before and he had promised it had stopped and won her back. So pretty much I think he's a narcissist and he will not take no for an answer, I don't think he considers it an option that I simply do not want him regardless of what he says. I don't think this is your average man or even average cheater I really think he's a narcissist, I think this because I have made myself more than clear I don't want this and I think a normal person would give up very quickly but this person will not give up.

I definitely have left details out yes but not because I'm hiding anything but because if I included absolutely everything the post would be so long and certain details are irrelevant. This whole ordeal happened early last year so an awful lot has happened and I've found a lot out but there's no point including all that because it doesn't help me as far as getting advice here. So I hope that's maybe answered some questions

You need to report.

Have you replied to any of his messages or efforts to contact you or to engage with him in any way? It seems he must be getting some response, even if it’s a negative one. He is getting some form of reinforcement.

Number one rule when posting on MN OP, take what is useful to you from the replies and completely ignore the rest! Please don't take the doubters and less helpful posts to heart, no one here is walking in your shoes so you've no need to listen if what they say isn't helpful

I would do this OP. Maybe if she sees one last time, that in spite of him saying he wants to marry her, he is still going to cheat, she might finally see the light. I doubt it, but at least you've done your very best to protect another woman from the appalling behaviour of this man.

He's not LM is he 😳 absolutely mental isn't it. Block him and don't tell her, she's chosen him and isn't changing her mind no matter what he does.

@saffronsoup yes I have sometimes I've replied and sometimes I've ignored but if I've replied I've not been very nice so I don't really know why he would even want to carry on trying to contact me. The times I've replied it's usually been me saying you're a compulsive liar I don't want to hear anymore because its never just a 'hello' message it's always a big declaration of his feelings and a big explanation as to why his partner is so horrible and why he can't leave. To add his partner told me a lot of what she was having to deal with from him and it sounds like he treats her badly and controls her so sometimes I have found myself feeling like I need to be the one to stand up to this man and tell them straight. As I'm writing this I'm kind of realising they both might be as bad as each other they both have come to me to try and convince me the other one is the bad guy (this was when it first came out I obviously don't speak to either anymore) Maybe I've been a fool in even listening to her and agreeing to carry on reporting back to her maybe I should have been firmer and told her no. But I think like you I myself can't work out why someone would keep coming back when I've given them no hope so when she first asked me to let her know if I hear from him again I didn't actually think he would try again let alone I'd still be reporting back a year and a half later. Maybe I'm being used as a weird pawn in their toxic games. Typing this all out has made me realise maybe me going back to her is what the motivation is for him perhaps he enjoys seeing her upset and if he does want to hurt her or make her feel jealous or insecure all he has to do is send a quick message to me and I do the leg work for him and he's got her where he wants her. Im realising how ridiculous this all must sound now, I think ignoring both of them is the answer as others have said I've told her enough now so she can make her own mind up.

This.

I'd msg both of them in one go, one later time and Include a screenshot of his latest messages to you.

Then I'd say you've reported it to the police (whether you actually do or not). Say you'll keep reporting if he ever contacts you again.

Then block them both.

Typing this all out has made me realise maybe me going back to her is what the motivation is for him perhaps he enjoys seeing her upset and if he does want to hurt her or make her feel jealous or insecure all he has to do is send a quick message to me and I do the leg work for him and he's got her where he wants her.

@Amy995
I think that you have hit the nail on the head there. I am petty and would reply to his next attempt with "Who is this?" block and not tell her a damned thing. But I am not very sensible when I realise that I am being played!

You block him and don't have to deal with this shit. You're not responsible for maintaining their relationship in any way.