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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to consider not telling this lady the truth even though I promised her I would?

109 replies

Amy995 · 18/08/2023 13:07

I’ll try to keep this as short as I can with providing all the detail necessary, apologies if it’s really long.

about a year and a half ago I met a man and started a very casual relationship. I eventually find out he had a girlfriend the whole time I only found this out because she had gotten onto his phone and found the messages between us so messaged me. It was difficult she was very rude to me at first I don’t think she knew I was unaware, she couldn’t see how I didn’t know because they were very public with their relationship on social media but after her finding out I didn’t have him on any social media so couldn’t see any of that she was nicer to me. I told her the whole truth of what had gone on and she asked me to tell her if he ever tried to contact me again. And he did try and every time I’d tell her, she would rant about him and thank me for the information but never left him and this cycle went on and on for months.

i don’t hear anything for a long time maybe 6 months, but now I’m getting messages again. I’ve found out they’ve been engaged for about two months. So this time I message him and say this isn’t fair it’s not right to treat his fiancé this way and he’s got to stop this now. He says the same things he’s always said which is he’s unhappy in the relationship but feels trapped and he only proposed out of pressure and trying to make things better with them. (I don’t believe any of this I know he thinks he can have his cake and eat it) but my question is, when do I give up on telling this girl? In the video of the proposal they uploaded she’s so happy she’s in floods of tears and everyone there is clapping, you can tell how elated she is that he’s proposed to her. I almost feel now it’s cruel to keep telling her, she will never leave she loves him too much. Usually I’d always say the right thing is to tell the girlfriend but in this instance I feel she already knows what he is and is just too happy with him to leave. I don’t want to be someone who just keeps shoving a mirror up to her face and probably breaking her heart with the things I’m telling her. For the first time I feel like ignorance is bliss in this situation. Ill never go with this man I’m not the other woman or anything so the only bad thing I am doing now is keeping the information to myself. I don’t know if he’s cheating on her with other women or if he just gets bored once in a while and just tries to pull me back in. Has it reached a point where I just say this isn’t my business anymore more and leave them to their relationship and maybe she will accept him or maybe one day she will wake up but I don’t think that day is now or any time soon.

to clarify, it makes no real difference to me if their together or not. I don’t want this man I’m not waiting in the wings for this relationship to end or anything the only thing I feel is I want people to be happy, I want no role in making anybody unhappy. The woman in me would feel satisfied seeing her leave this man and go on to meet someone who will treat her well but other than that I don’t really mind what she chooses to do, I don’t judge her for not being able to leave right now. But I just want to do the right thing. Also I DO block him but he ends up making new social media accounts to contact me, it’s not at the point he’s harassing me or anything because it happens every few months and if I don’t reply or tell him to stop messaging he will leave me be, it’s more of an annoying ‘here we go again’ for me.

please be kind with your advice I really do just want to do the kindest thing, it’s just hard to know what the kind thing is anymore.

Thank you for reading xx

OP posts:
MasterBeth · 18/08/2023 15:49

MonsterCalling · 18/08/2023 13:22

I would contact her one last time saying that he has made contact again, this is the last time you will notify her, and that if he does it again you will go to the police with a harassment complaint and she can find out that way. Reply to him one last time saying the same thing. Then block them both and move on with your life.

This ^^

Helpmepleaseimbusy · 18/08/2023 15:50

MasterBeth · 18/08/2023 15:49

This ^^

Show quote history

I second this

Tirediam · 18/08/2023 15:52

Yes one more time. Say you have him blocked but he’s finding a way, you’ve had enough, police next step. Don’t engage with him at all.
@Blancc it makes perfect sense what OP is explaining.

YukoandHiro · 18/08/2023 15:55

I would tell her, but tell her it's the last time you'll be in touch as you're blocking this guy now as he's a creep and you don't want anything more to do with the situation.

If she goes ahead and marries him it's her call.

Then forget about it and move on.

Blancc · 18/08/2023 15:55

Tirediam · 18/08/2023 15:52

Yes one more time. Say you have him blocked but he’s finding a way, you’ve had enough, police next step. Don’t engage with him at all.
@Blancc it makes perfect sense what OP is explaining.

It makes sense, but it isn't ignoring and moving on.

RiverLen · 18/08/2023 15:57

meganorks · 18/08/2023 13:18

I think I would send one last message to say along the lines of 'I know you are engaged now, but your fiance is still messaging me. I keep blocking him etc.' Then state that this is the last time you will message her as it seems clear she doesn't really want to hear it. Then block them both.

This. Include screenshots of the message do you don’t sound like a jealous ex.

BellaJuno · 18/08/2023 15:59

I’d send one final message on a group chat to both of them at the same time. Include a screenshot of his latest messages and say:

To him - stop contacting me completely using any form of communication. If I receive any further messages I will be contacting the police as it feels like harassment.

To her - I have no wish to be involved in any way in this relationship. This will be my last message to you.

then block both.

BubziOwl · 18/08/2023 15:59

meganorks · 18/08/2023 13:18

I think I would send one last message to say along the lines of 'I know you are engaged now, but your fiance is still messaging me. I keep blocking him etc.' Then state that this is the last time you will message her as it seems clear she doesn't really want to hear it. Then block them both.

I'd do this. If she stays with him then that's her decision, you've more than done your bit!

ClairDeLaLune · 18/08/2023 16:05

Screenshot everything, send it to her, and tell her it’s the last time and she won’t be hearing from you again.

knobheed99 · 18/08/2023 16:14

I would tell her one last time and say this is the absolute last time you will be messaging her about it. Then block her.
Get him blocked on everything - so all the new profiles he has created. But if he pops up on a new profile just ignore him. If you do not respond at all he will eventually stop. He is looking for a reaction from you.
No contact with either of them ever again. End of problem.

babybopella · 18/08/2023 16:18

Sounds like it’s not a you problem… leave it. Block them both and move on with your life

InSpainTheRain · 18/08/2023 16:34

I think you've done enough - you've told her, kept her informed but she has gone ahead with the engagement. I'd honestly block both of them and not communicate with them again.

Monkeylimas · 18/08/2023 16:41

I would also send a group chat message to them both. Then she can see what you are saying too.

Screen shot the last couple of messages and tell him if he sets up another SM account or contacts you in any other way you will call the police as you consider it harassment.
I would tell her you are sorry you are contacting her again but you said you would and you felt a group chat was best. You are sorry once more for being involved in this mess and you had no idea he was cheating but you will now be blocking her too and you would prefer her not to contact you again.

What a tosser!

PollyAmour · 18/08/2023 16:51

Sack off the pair of them. Ignore her, ignore him, let them carry on with their dysfunctional lives.

MissBiljanaElectronika · 18/08/2023 16:52

Why are you watching videos of their engagement?

weird

just block him

and her too if needed

unfollow them on social media

it seems you are enjoying the drama of it all, and the delicious power to put a bomb under all their happiness (well, if they are happy…)

why do you even engage in any conversation with him?

🧐

Theroom · 18/08/2023 16:53

I would forward her his message, tell her that I'm not going to forward anything further as she has enough evidence of his character now, and block them both.

I'd also threaten the ex with the police if he continued to harass me.

itsmyp4rty · 18/08/2023 16:58

Message them both with screen shots saying if he messages you again then you will be contacting the police as you consider it harassment. Then follow through if required. You should have done this long ago.

Strugglingtodomybest · 18/08/2023 16:59

Theroom · 18/08/2023 16:53

I would forward her his message, tell her that I'm not going to forward anything further as she has enough evidence of his character now, and block them both.

I'd also threaten the ex with the police if he continued to harass me.

I agree.

I found this on a US DA site:

If your ex is harassing you online, here are some ways to handle it:

  • Clearly tell your ex to stop harassing you, if you feel safe doing so. It’s important to let your ex know that what they are doing is abusive, preferably in a way that lets you keep a record of your request either by saving the text or email you send, or taking a screenshot of a message you send online. After you have told your ex to stop the harassment, do not respond to any future communications.
  • Save everything. You might wish to delete the unwanted messages immediately, but try to keep a record of any communications your ex sends. Save emails and chat logs, take screenshots of status updates, direct messages, comments, pictures, or websites.
  • Take steps to increase your online privacy. Check to make sure that the settings on any social media site you belong to are set to maximum privacy. Change your passwords, block or unfriend your ex, and don’t provide details of your social plans or whereabouts online – this includes avoiding “checking in” to places on Facebook or using apps like Foursquare.
  • If your ex is harassing you via email, create a separate email account with an uncrackable password to use only with people you trust. This way, you can communicate with friends and family via the new email address and you won’t have to see your ex’s emails everyday. Again, save any abusive emails that your ex sends to you, but do not respond to them.
  • Let people in your support system know that your ex is harassing you, if you feel comfortable doing so. Make them aware of your safety plan so they aren’t tagging you when they check in to places or otherwise mentioning your location online. It’s important not to go through this alone and for others to be aware of your ex’s behavior. If your ex tries to contact people you know, ask them not to respond and to keep records of those communications as well.
  • If you believe your life is being threatened and/or if the harassment continues or escalates, you might consider taking legal action.
TheFallenMadonna · 18/08/2023 17:02

Block him. Block her. Definitely don't look at their social media. If he has been setting up multiple accounts to get around your blocks, repeatedly and for months, then that is harassment, and you should report him to the police.

user1471538283 · 18/08/2023 17:03

You've told her and told her. Block them both.

If he keeps contacting you report him.

Nagado · 18/08/2023 17:04

He knows you’re only going to tell him to go away, before telling her he’s messaged you again, so I wonder whether he’s trying to use you to do his dirty work for him because he’s too cowardly to end the relationship himself. Perhaps he thinks that you’ll tell her and she’ll break up with him.

azlazee1 · 18/08/2023 17:04

I would step back and just let it go. It is not your job to be the informant on someone else's relationship. Let them go, move on, and keep blocking that bastard for however long it takes.

IncompleteSenten · 18/08/2023 17:06

I'd wait for him to message again then reply that you've screenshot every single message he's ever sent you and if he ever contacts you again you will send them all to his fiancee. And everyone else you can think of.

momtoboys · 18/08/2023 17:12

Block and ignore both of them.

1037370E · 18/08/2023 17:14

Just continue to block - delete and ignore any messages from either of them. Don't engage, don't respond, don't check her social media to see if they are still engaged, not engaged, or whatever. Just block and ignore. It doesn't matter if they are happy or not - some people thrive on drama, their relationships depend on it. Once you step away, they will find someone else to drag into their shit show of a relationship.

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