AIBU to consider not telling this lady the truth even though I promised her I would?

[Amy995]

I’ll try to keep this as short as I can with providing all the detail necessary, apologies if it’s really long.

about a year and a half ago I met a man and started a very casual relationship. I eventually find out he had a girlfriend the whole time I only found this out because she had gotten onto his phone and found the messages between us so messaged me. It was difficult she was very rude to me at first I don’t think she knew I was unaware, she couldn’t see how I didn’t know because they were very public with their relationship on social media but after her finding out I didn’t have him on any social media so couldn’t see any of that she was nicer to me. I told her the whole truth of what had gone on and she asked me to tell her if he ever tried to contact me again. And he did try and every time I’d tell her, she would rant about him and thank me for the information but never left him and this cycle went on and on for months.

i don’t hear anything for a long time maybe 6 months, but now I’m getting messages again. I’ve found out they’ve been engaged for about two months. So this time I message him and say this isn’t fair it’s not right to treat his fiancé this way and he’s got to stop this now. He says the same things he’s always said which is he’s unhappy in the relationship but feels trapped and he only proposed out of pressure and trying to make things better with them. (I don’t believe any of this I know he thinks he can have his cake and eat it) but my question is, when do I give up on telling this girl? In the video of the proposal they uploaded she’s so happy she’s in floods of tears and everyone there is clapping, you can tell how elated she is that he’s proposed to her. I almost feel now it’s cruel to keep telling her, she will never leave she loves him too much. Usually I’d always say the right thing is to tell the girlfriend but in this instance I feel she already knows what he is and is just too happy with him to leave. I don’t want to be someone who just keeps shoving a mirror up to her face and probably breaking her heart with the things I’m telling her. For the first time I feel like ignorance is bliss in this situation. Ill never go with this man I’m not the other woman or anything so the only bad thing I am doing now is keeping the information to myself. I don’t know if he’s cheating on her with other women or if he just gets bored once in a while and just tries to pull me back in. Has it reached a point where I just say this isn’t my business anymore more and leave them to their relationship and maybe she will accept him or maybe one day she will wake up but I don’t think that day is now or any time soon.

to clarify, it makes no real difference to me if their together or not. I don’t want this man I’m not waiting in the wings for this relationship to end or anything the only thing I feel is I want people to be happy, I want no role in making anybody unhappy. The woman in me would feel satisfied seeing her leave this man and go on to meet someone who will treat her well but other than that I don’t really mind what she chooses to do, I don’t judge her for not being able to leave right now. But I just want to do the right thing. Also I DO block him but he ends up making new social media accounts to contact me, it’s not at the point he’s harassing me or anything because it happens every few months and if I don’t reply or tell him to stop messaging he will leave me be, it’s more of an annoying ‘here we go again’ for me.

please be kind with your advice I really do just want to do the kindest thing, it’s just hard to know what the kind thing is anymore.

Thank you for reading xx

I think tell her one last time and tell her you won't be getting in contact again no matter what he does. I'd also message him once and tell him he's not to contact you again ever and if he doesn't stop harassing you you'll report him to the police. Be rid of them both.

Two things

1. If the social media you are on is Facebook then you can change your privacy settings so no one at all can add you as a friend & you can also change settings so that no one can message you unless they are already friends with you (not sure if other social media has same options)

2. Have you considered it might actually be his partner messaging you pretending to be him so she can check you're definitely "reporting" back on him & allay any fears she has that any relationship is going on

Regardless if its him or her sending you messages = as has already been said , not your circus, not your monkeys

Block them both & change your settings so nobody can message you or add you either

Report him.

I think you are getting some clarity which is good. I would not have any further we contact or any kind with either of these people. All it is doing is keeping them both in your life and causing you stress. Block where you can and immediately delete the rest without reading.

"Fuck off Twat!"

Each and every time he contacts you.

Even if he DOES break it off with her, you don't want this man in your life, so don't bother checking social media to find out if they're together.

Don’t bother, she knows who he is and what she’s getting herself into now so it’s up to her to fuck up and maybe, hopefully actually learn one day.

I was in this situation years ago except thankfully for me it was just a few dates before his GF got in touch with me and I obviously ended it. She stayed with him and they majorly ramped up their relationship soon after, moving in together and then having a baby. I was a nosey bugger at the time so checked in every so often. It didn’t last, they split up shortly after the baby was born. He’d cheated again, obviously.

You have done your bit, time to let her keep screwing herself over now.

I think she's been quite clear on this and I understood the logistics from her first post. She's doesn't appear to be a fault so why continue to nitpick...

Op you did the right thing when you found out he was in a relationship and that suggests you have healthy boundaries but as you say you are young and have less experience. I read your updates and hope you found this thread helpful in some ways. I always think take the best bits and ignore the rest.

Sadly you will find this type of chap is very common. It’s definitely worth searching SM on anyone you are dating and doing reverse image searches too. Also make sure you say No early on to see how they react.

Sorry if I’m speaking out of turn but If I could be 21 again i would read:

Why does he do that’. Bancroft.

Love yourself like your life depends on it. By Ravikant. I practice this regularly and it really helped me through an awful time.

Id watch and read everything by Brene Brown. I talk about shame to my kids to help them and to recognise it in their friends and other people.

Also The subtle art of not giving a fuck by Manson. May not all be to your taste but it’s an easy you tube watch if you have 20 mins for a video.
Seven principles of making marriage work by John Gottman. I read this annually 😁.
and bizarrely Not just friends - it’s a book on affairs but I do believe knowledge is power.

You won’t take everything from every book but if you take a few bits from each book then they are worth reading. I wish you well and let’s hope your next fish isn’t as rotten as this one!

He knows you’re telling her. I’d actually believe him when he says he didn’t want to propose. I think he wants out, is too cowardly to do it, and he’s hoping she’ll dump him.