AIBU to consider not telling this lady the truth even though I promised her I would?

[Amy995]

I’ll try to keep this as short as I can with providing all the detail necessary, apologies if it’s really long.

about a year and a half ago I met a man and started a very casual relationship. I eventually find out he had a girlfriend the whole time I only found this out because she had gotten onto his phone and found the messages between us so messaged me. It was difficult she was very rude to me at first I don’t think she knew I was unaware, she couldn’t see how I didn’t know because they were very public with their relationship on social media but after her finding out I didn’t have him on any social media so couldn’t see any of that she was nicer to me. I told her the whole truth of what had gone on and she asked me to tell her if he ever tried to contact me again. And he did try and every time I’d tell her, she would rant about him and thank me for the information but never left him and this cycle went on and on for months.

i don’t hear anything for a long time maybe 6 months, but now I’m getting messages again. I’ve found out they’ve been engaged for about two months. So this time I message him and say this isn’t fair it’s not right to treat his fiancé this way and he’s got to stop this now. He says the same things he’s always said which is he’s unhappy in the relationship but feels trapped and he only proposed out of pressure and trying to make things better with them. (I don’t believe any of this I know he thinks he can have his cake and eat it) but my question is, when do I give up on telling this girl? In the video of the proposal they uploaded she’s so happy she’s in floods of tears and everyone there is clapping, you can tell how elated she is that he’s proposed to her. I almost feel now it’s cruel to keep telling her, she will never leave she loves him too much. Usually I’d always say the right thing is to tell the girlfriend but in this instance I feel she already knows what he is and is just too happy with him to leave. I don’t want to be someone who just keeps shoving a mirror up to her face and probably breaking her heart with the things I’m telling her. For the first time I feel like ignorance is bliss in this situation. Ill never go with this man I’m not the other woman or anything so the only bad thing I am doing now is keeping the information to myself. I don’t know if he’s cheating on her with other women or if he just gets bored once in a while and just tries to pull me back in. Has it reached a point where I just say this isn’t my business anymore more and leave them to their relationship and maybe she will accept him or maybe one day she will wake up but I don’t think that day is now or any time soon.

to clarify, it makes no real difference to me if their together or not. I don’t want this man I’m not waiting in the wings for this relationship to end or anything the only thing I feel is I want people to be happy, I want no role in making anybody unhappy. The woman in me would feel satisfied seeing her leave this man and go on to meet someone who will treat her well but other than that I don’t really mind what she chooses to do, I don’t judge her for not being able to leave right now. But I just want to do the right thing. Also I DO block him but he ends up making new social media accounts to contact me, it’s not at the point he’s harassing me or anything because it happens every few months and if I don’t reply or tell him to stop messaging he will leave me be, it’s more of an annoying ‘here we go again’ for me.

please be kind with your advice I really do just want to do the kindest thing, it’s just hard to know what the kind thing is anymore.

Thank you for reading xx

Well, yeah.

When they were originally seeing each other she didn't add him on SM and had no particular reason to. Since learning that this guy has a partner and that they're on social media together, OP obviously checks whenever something like this is brought to her attention (by one of the couple messaging). Makes sense to me. She's checking the public info now that she knows it exists.

She knows, she just doesn't want to do anything about it. Part of me would want to make her see the full truth, but in reality she doesn't want that. She wants her fairytale.

I'd leave it now and block both of them. One day, she will otherwise probably turn round and accuse you of harassing her, to make herself feel less stupid for falling for such a creep. Don't give her that chance.

You know that he's a terrible choice. I know that he's a terrible choice. But he's her choice to make. Leave her to it.

Not your circus, not your monkeys. You tried, she chose to get engaged to him.

Block him at the first instance of a message. Never respond.

Thanks for all the replies and thank you to everyone who was kind I think it's best to just stay out of it like I originally thought. However to the comments telling me to block him and I must be enjoying this. Please read the entire post before commenting I have blocked many profiles many times. It's not like I'm just allowing this to continue and enjoy the attention I am blocking the profiles that message when they come in I can't do much more than that I mostly ignore but now and again DO tell him to leave me alone. I don't understand why people ignore all the details and judge people. Also to the person wondering how I couldn't see they were together on social media when I was with him but I can now, the reason is because HE has me blocked on his 'real' social media (we messaged on WhatsApp when we were together) so when I was with this guy I didn't know he had social media because I was blocked I now know I was blocked to stop me finding out about his partner. But I can see now because I know who the girl is so I can see their relationship play out on her social media. There was no way of me finding this out before because I didn't know she existed so the only evidence of their relationship at the time was on someone's profile who I didn't know about it that makes sense?
I know I brought this online to ask for advice but please don't try and pick out holes in the story because I can assure you there isn't any. I really am not interested in this situation I've had relationships since this that actually meant something to me, im not someone who enjoys the attention of unavailable men I've had some amazing relationships with very nice normal men who are honest and that is a thousand times more attractive than a strange man who's a compulsive liar and won't leave me alone. I don't want to come off as secretly enjoying this because it isn't like that at all, trust me if you knew this person you'd know getting attention from them is no compliment to me I just find him really weird.

Thank you again for everyone who was kind I really appreciate the advice xxx

I wasn't a person 'wondering how' you couldn't see him before and now you can, more why.

That was a long winded description of how it's technically possible/was impossible, but it doesn't explain at all why you would watch what's going on between them via her social media now you know about them and aren't with him - which is what didn't make sense in the first place and still doesn't.

This is exactly what I would do ..

If she then continues- it’s on her she knows what she is getting into .

I’d leave them to it and move on. You don’t owe any loyalty to either of them-it’s not like she was a friend. Tell him you don’t want to hear from him again and that it’s up to him to sort out his life and good luck. Then ignore or delete him. There are so many more people to give your energy to rather than waste it on this pair.

On a tangent-is that how people propose these days? With an audience and clapping? Fuck me, I feel old!

Sorry just saw he still messages you-yes you can threaten police action and report him if it doesn’t stop.

i mean she knows he has cheated before so if she choses to stay with him thats on her

id block them both on everything and stay out of it - they obviously both like the drama

Take screenshots of his messages and tell him you will report to the police if he continues unwanted contact. The legal definition of harassment is 2 separate instances of unwanted contact.

After this warning, don't respond to any of them any more, block any new accounts from any of them, and set your social media profiles so that you can only be messaged by friends/people you follow. This is possible on most platforms and unwanted messages will either go straight into a spam folder or not reach you at all.

I wouldn't bother contacting her. She's not listening. There will be other girls too I suspect.

You won't have been the first or last to tell her.

She'll be one of those threads on here in a few years time, moaning about how it all went wrong.

There's no helping some people.

Right. So I get a message from him. I go to check her social media because as I said in the post it's been about 6 months now since I last heard about them so I wanted to check they were actually still together which they were and I saw they are Now engaged. So this is a big reason as to why i replied to him this time telling him to stop and this is a terrible way to treat someone, because the fact they are now engaged to me makes him an even worse person because he clearly DOES want to be with her but is continuing to be so dishonest. Is all they so hard to believe?? You can disagree with what I've done but like I said I'm not trying to hide my intentions from you or anything.

"So I get a message from him. I go to check her social media"

I still maintain this is ridiculous.

He’s harassing you.

Tell him to stop contacting you or you’ll contact the police.

Or just contact the police and let them knock on at his and his fiancées house with a verbal warning.

Tell her you aren’t engaging anymore. That he won’t stop despite being blocked again. That as she’s choosing to stay with him you don’t feel the need to keep talking to her. That you are contacting the police about him.

Why are people telling her to block him? She does???

I’d screenshot the messages, send it to her, and say, ‘Here’s yet another message. I’m not doing this anymore. You know what he’s like. You have all the evidence you need and more. You know he’s a cheater and you’re willing to marry him anyway. I’m blocking both of you now and I want neither of you to contact me again’. Actually- I’d do it in a group chat with both of them at the same time, and leave the chat and block.

OP you've had some shit replies here. Sorry.

I'd say nothing and let them get on with it. She knows he cheated and is mad enough to stay with him.

She's made her bed, let her lie in it.

I think you've been so good to keep her updates so for her sake you should let her know. you've been strong to do it to date and she's happy because she thinks he's committed but he hasn't (sorry!)

You told her plenty of times already and she still chose to get engaged to him. You've done all you can, ignore both of them from now on.

I would send her one last message. And tell her it’s the last time. You aren’t playing this game anymore.

Yeah. I agree with PP. Forward to her the messages he last sent you, but tell her from now on, she’s on her own.

She must be DESPERATE

This.

I can see where you're coming from OP re checking her profile. It takes a literal minute to quickly type a name into a social platform to check in on the situation following contact from Mr Douche, it's ridiculous that you're being made out to be obsessive or weird for doing so under the circumstances.

I think you need to move on from these people.
You did the right thing in cooperating with her. She had the facts, she made her decision. You exit stage left and get on with your own life.
The fact that he contacts you is not an excuse to prolong your role in their drama. As soon as you realise a message is from him, block and ignore.