AIBU to marry for some financial security for me and the children?

[foolsgolddigger]

Long-time user but with a new account, as the matter is a bit sensitive.

I am a nearly-40 single mother of two young children, with no maintenance from their father (long story, he is reasonably well off, but it is cleverly arranged so the official maintenance is nil). He left when the children were toddler / newborn age.

I have a good, but quite stressful and long-hours career, and a reasonable income. The income does not stretch far in London though (rent north of £2K, childcare north of £1K + everything else on top), and my job does not exist outside London. I don't get any help from the government for anything apart from the 25% single person council tax discount, before everyone jumps on. I am solvent and not in debt, but that's about it. Some months end in the "red" - a school trip or unexpected dental expense usually have to go on credit. I didn't have a holiday (not an exotic holiday, but even a break from work) for 8 years. No pension or savings.

Recently I got closer with a guy I dated in my early 20s (he is a few years older than me, mid-40s). For him, I am (as strange as it sounds for me) "the one who got away", and he apparently carried very strong romantic feelings for me through the years. He has never been married or in a long-term relationship, and never moved out of his parental home. We stayed friends, but more of a "text once a month" friends - not surprisingly, as we are in different countries (he lives back in our home country, and I moved to the UK). I have very warm and friendly feelings for him, somewhat nostalgic, but that's it. He's a great guy and a good friend, but there is absolutely zero romantic or sexual attraction from my side.

He proposed to me last week and I asked for some time to think. And - I am very ashamed to admit - one of the main factors on the "pros" side was to have a second income in the house. I have never been materialistic (quite opposite - very bookish, nerdy and idealistic), so it took me by surprise, and I started feeling a bit disgusted about myself. He is not wealthy, but has a good freelance income (tech sector), roughly at the same level as me. It would be a massive change to our quality of life though, and will open some opportunities to my children that I am currently not able to cover. For clarity, I do not mean him paying for my children, but even just sharing normal living expenses of a couple would make such a difference - and I could start contributing to my own pension and saving.

I am not attractive at all and has never been asked out in my life or visible to men, so it is not a "plenty of fish in the sea" scenario. It is very unusual for me to feel loved and adored to this level, and I feel really bad that I cannot offer the same intensity of feelings in return. If I could electrocute my brain and fall in love with him, I'd do it immediately without a second thought. I think he is aware - he told me he loved me multiple times, but I did not say it back.

Do you think it could work if I "settle"? "Settle" is probably not the right word here, as I am not really looking for other options now, and my realistic expectation prior to reconnecting with him was that I would be single for life.

Well there are advantages and disadvantages to marrying him.

But it seems quite an extreme solution just to get help with living expenses. Getting a lodger would achieve the same thing, and they'd be easier to part company with if it didn't work out.

Plus if you marry him wouldn't he be entitled to half of your resources if you split? You could end up worse off than you are now.

I don't think you need to be physically attracted to someone to love them or to marry them. You could have a love that isn't based on physically attraction. However, the main flag seems to be that he has only met your children briefly, it all sounds a bit soon for marriage. Sounds like you could have a marriage in the future but you need more time to reconnect etc...

Makes sense. I would say DH & I are equally 'in love' If we weren't married and I had a choice I would much prefer a partner that was more in love with me as long as it was genuine & I was happy in the relationship.

Thanks for your reply, this thread (and many the responses) have been a genuine eye opener for me.

The crazy thing is that the OPs latest update states he has no significant wealth or assets, so I don't even get the point?!

This is probably a dozen of posts about it now. No, he is definitely not after a long-term visa through marriage fraud. With his level of expertise he gets job offers with a complete relocation package very regularly from all over the world - if he wanted to move to the UK, he'd already be here. He goes to conferences and short-term guest lecturing gigs quite a lot, all over the world, but has never considered emigrating permanently.

The UK, to be honest, is not a top choice prospect for someone with world class skill set these days.

Has he hinted at ways that he would expect you to change your life should you marry? What would his expectations be of you as a wife?

I think you're setting yourself up for a lot of misery.

What hard evidence do you have of his career and income? How do you know he would contribute financially for a better life for your children when it came to the crunch?

I'm very cynical! But something doesn't seem right. He's decided he's madly in love with you, he's in his forties, never married, lives with ageing mother...and you're financially secure, own house etc.

How do you know he's not potentially scamming you?

I don't have any assets to share, so it is not really a concern. Are people really in a situation where they can just easily get a lodger like that? I rent a 2.5 bed tiny terraced house with a galley kitchen for three of us, the lodger could sleep in the shed, I suppose.

I am a very skeptical person with some trust issues relating to men, so maybe I'm being unfair but I'd be very concerned about this and I wouldn't do it.

1. Why now? Is it because his mother is aging and he needs a replacement to take care of him as he ages? He's had many years to meet someone and marry them and stop living like a teenager in his mother's house
2. Is he really earning as much as he says? Why doesn't he have savings? What's his actual financial position?
3. What if you decide in 10 years you don't want to move back to his home country or to somewhere else as he seems to be planning to do?

I mean, I suppose you could marry someone you have no sexual or romantic attraction to (which you state a few times) but is that really the life you want? Do you not think you would become unhappy after a while having to have sex with him? You are already having sex with him - how does that feel when you say you have to sexual attraction to him? I've never slept with anyone I wasn't sexually attracted to so I can't imagine it really. What happens if you get the ick and really can't bear sex any more? (I appreciate that happens in marriages too where people were sexually attracted initially)

OP, I suppose it could work - but you really need to spend more time getting to know him and him gradually getting to know your children - perhaps that won't work at all - they might not get on. He needs to move over to the UK and live near you and you need to continue dating and building the relationship before you marry him.

If you got married would he even be expecting to share the bills 50/50? He might expect the bills to be split with the ratio of 3/1 since there's three of you and one of him. How would you feel about that?

What are his expectations for how the house work to be split? Can he even do his own laundry?

In the 6 years that I am single I have not been asked out, or even talked to by a man socially outside the work context.

How much effort have you expended on dating though in that time? Have you ever been on a dating site? Joined a dating agency? Asked friends to set you up? Joined groups or attended events with a view to meeting men for the purpose of dating? You say you have two small DC, so I'm not knocking you for not making an effort on this front when you're a single parent with no support from the DC's father, but eligible men who are interested in dating don't just turn up at your front door!

And yes, YABU. I understand why you're considering this, but I think you'll be making a big mistake if you go ahead. You want to marry this guy so he can share your bills? FFS, can't you get a lodger, if that's all you want? Marriage isn't the same as having a friend living with you. It's a legal commitment and it can expensive and very difficult to get out of. This guy is still living with his mother in his 40s and has never had a serious LTR. That alone should put you off. Does he do his own laundry? Does he clean and pick up after himself? Will he still be financially supporting his DM after he moves to the UK? You're expecting him to just slot into your life with your DC, yet he has no DC of his own, no experience of parenting. I can just imagine him moving in and you ending up basically having another DC to care for - except this time it's a 40-something man you don't fancy who also expects you have regular sex with him. The thought of that is horrible to me and I've been married for nearly 20 years, so I know what I'm talking about. You're seeing this in purely transactional terms, but he clearly isn't and that mismatch is a recipe for disaster.

I'd rather lodger

Well, we kept in touch through the years. We graduated from the same uni (different years) and have the same degree. I understand the area he's working in (I am in an adjacent area), I see his linkedin profile, conferences he attended and speeches he gave (including videos and workshops published), jobs he had, papers he has published, and we have probably a hundred of friends in common. I'd say quite far fetched for a scam.

As I said, I do not expect him to contribute to my children directly, but just sharing the normal couple-related financial burden would be amazing.

If you’re going in with your eyes open then go for it. People marry for all sorts of reasons. You’re not going in blind that his some love of your life. Your looking at it as a companion to live with and better both of your lives.

Much like widowed elderly people. They anit looking for love a lot of the time just company so share the Lonely times with.

Ok @foolsgolddigger . It was just a suggestion!

I would be absolutely honest with him. If you think you can make him happy - and I think you'll just know if you can - then I have no problem with what you're proposing. Marriage is a financial arrangement and your children are naturally a concern. However you must be decent about the commitment - you'll still have to live this out if he gets ill and can't work.

I'm him - in this situation but reversed. It all came out after years and years together. It's horrendous and neither of us are happy but we're trapped financially now. Please don't do it Op, you might feel financially things aren't easy now but this isn't the answer.

Well I think friendship, shared values and interests plus financial security are much better bases for marriage than many of the disastrous relationships one sees on MN.

I think if he gets into contracting he will be able to earn good money in London. But would he share it with you? I guess he would carry on spending the same way as before. I think you must discuss his expectations and plqns about finances. He may be appaled that you may want to force him to manage his money differently

Is the plan to rent a larger house to accommodate this man when you marry? That would obviously increase your living expenses especially if he quite reasonably doesn’t expect to pay for children’s expenses

I think you need to talk it all through with a counsellor/therapist asap.

In general, being married to someone you have warm affectionate feelings for and a better quality of life with, is more than many marriages have after the first few years. On the other hand, if your children grow up seeing their stepdad adore their mum and her feeling nothing for him, that’s going to affect how they behave as adults in their relationships.

I’m concerned that you haven’t fallen in love with him. He adores you, is trying to financially rescue you, and you like him enough that you have stayed in touch for many years and that you’re having sex. Most women (unless he is hideous or stinks) would begin to fall in love a little in that situation, but you are listing pros and cons in a way that is surprisingly detached, emotionally. You say you don’t feel attractive, but clearly you have attracted someone so you must be. You mention that he isn’t Price Charming but surely you’re old and wise enough to know that no man is?

I think you need a therapist to help you get to the bottom of why you feel the way you feel: about yourself, about relationships, and anout this possible future with him. Then you’ll know what your answer should be.

I think the test of your feelings would be the answer to the question.
How would you feel if he stopped waiting for you and settled with someone else?
Would you be upset that you missed the chance to settle down with him or relieved that the pressure had gone.

Doesn't really have a budget, his mum runs the household finances

Nah fuck that!
I wrote a slightly more balanced post above, saying that it possibly could work but also pointing out things that I'd be very wary of.
But then I saw that you had posted this, probably while I was typing my reply.

This is just a 40-something manchild who has had his mother doing everything for him while he's enjoyed his bachelor lifestyle living in her house not even having to run household finances himself. And now, his mother needs a domestic help and she'll be getting older, and lo and behold he starts looking around for a wife and remembers he had a thing for you when he was younger....

A guy I know from a music group has suddenly got a girlfriend, he's 52 and she's his first girlfriend. The other people in the music group are all amazed etcetc. Well I'm not, he's been living the life of Riley, enjoying his bachelor lifestyle, doing what he likes and travelling the world, always rocking back up again at his mother's to be looked after. Now his mother is sadly nearing the end of her life and he's suddenly got this girlfriend back in the village he comes from and he's really serious about her etc. What a coincidence.

Whoa. Where does the "dipshit" come from? He's a decent guy, and I am really trying to force myself to love him (and I completely don't understand why I am not in love with him, if I am honest).
There are some things that are not ideal with him, of course, but who is perfect? I am definitely not myself.

In that case I'd be wary of him resenting you for 'holding him back', or expectations that you'd automatically agree to uproot yourself/your kids and follow him wherever.