AIBU to marry for some financial security for me and the children?

[foolsgolddigger]

Long-time user but with a new account, as the matter is a bit sensitive.

I am a nearly-40 single mother of two young children, with no maintenance from their father (long story, he is reasonably well off, but it is cleverly arranged so the official maintenance is nil). He left when the children were toddler / newborn age.

I have a good, but quite stressful and long-hours career, and a reasonable income. The income does not stretch far in London though (rent north of £2K, childcare north of £1K + everything else on top), and my job does not exist outside London. I don't get any help from the government for anything apart from the 25% single person council tax discount, before everyone jumps on. I am solvent and not in debt, but that's about it. Some months end in the "red" - a school trip or unexpected dental expense usually have to go on credit. I didn't have a holiday (not an exotic holiday, but even a break from work) for 8 years. No pension or savings.

Recently I got closer with a guy I dated in my early 20s (he is a few years older than me, mid-40s). For him, I am (as strange as it sounds for me) "the one who got away", and he apparently carried very strong romantic feelings for me through the years. He has never been married or in a long-term relationship, and never moved out of his parental home. We stayed friends, but more of a "text once a month" friends - not surprisingly, as we are in different countries (he lives back in our home country, and I moved to the UK). I have very warm and friendly feelings for him, somewhat nostalgic, but that's it. He's a great guy and a good friend, but there is absolutely zero romantic or sexual attraction from my side.

He proposed to me last week and I asked for some time to think. And - I am very ashamed to admit - one of the main factors on the "pros" side was to have a second income in the house. I have never been materialistic (quite opposite - very bookish, nerdy and idealistic), so it took me by surprise, and I started feeling a bit disgusted about myself. He is not wealthy, but has a good freelance income (tech sector), roughly at the same level as me. It would be a massive change to our quality of life though, and will open some opportunities to my children that I am currently not able to cover. For clarity, I do not mean him paying for my children, but even just sharing normal living expenses of a couple would make such a difference - and I could start contributing to my own pension and saving.

I am not attractive at all and has never been asked out in my life or visible to men, so it is not a "plenty of fish in the sea" scenario. It is very unusual for me to feel loved and adored to this level, and I feel really bad that I cannot offer the same intensity of feelings in return. If I could electrocute my brain and fall in love with him, I'd do it immediately without a second thought. I think he is aware - he told me he loved me multiple times, but I did not say it back.

Do you think it could work if I "settle"? "Settle" is probably not the right word here, as I am not really looking for other options now, and my realistic expectation prior to reconnecting with him was that I would be single for life.

@7eleven

I'll 🤦🏻‍♀️ again after your last post.

It's not a polar opposite, is it? A marriage doesn't have to be about romantic gestures. And the opposite isn't a loveless practical arrangement.

You need to be attracted, in whatever way that represents itself for you, to the person: to physically & emotionally be drawn to them, want to build a life with them, see them as different to everyone else.

That's not OP's situation. She's sleeping with someone she has zero sexual interest in. That she's not romantically attracted to. Who is a friend. Who has absolutely no life experience.

Of course it's unworkable. You are presenting it in an overly simplistic manner.

He does live his life a bit as a teenager, that's true. Until recently, mum used to do all the chores, now it is mum supervising a domestic helper. Spends quite frivolously (travel, eating out, gadgets, experiences), also no substantial savings or assets. Think Howard Wolowitz from the big bang theory.

OP, he sounds like a liability to be honest. You would be taking on a third child and you’re probably going to have a lot of conflict because he would have no clue what it’s like to run a household, never mind raising two kids. Even if he does rent his own place for a bit, he’s quite likely to revert to form if he moves in with you. If he’s irresponsible with his money, you’d be putting your own finances at risk by getting married. He might be fine as a companion when the kids are with their dad but please do not marry him or let him move in. He doesn’t even have savings/assets so a divorce would probably leave you financially worse off. I understand the attraction of sharing living expenses but the cost-benefit analysis really does not justify it. Look into other ways of reducing your outgoings, this is not it.

I think after a year or so - a year where he lives close by but separately, and we see each other very frequenly and shorten the distance very gradually.

He won't agree to this.

And you'll carry on having sex with him, for some possible limited future financial benefit? So at least 4 years of sex you don't want, before the 'pay off' for you.

That's just ... depressing.

This, it would be totally ridiculous to lie and incredibly one sided

I think it's fine as long as he is aware and OK with the fact that financial security is a strong factor in your decision. I am little confused how you are not attracted to him at all, yet having sex. I would worry how long that is sustainable. And I'd be concerned how he'll be moving in with two children, if he's only ever lived with his parents.

I would be somewhat concerned he is an only child who shares similar intellectual interests and hobbies, but has no experience on the domestic front. It sounds like having to live with someone else’s children and spend a lot of his time with you being forced to focus on the reality of living with children might be an unpleasant shock for him. He may be a fantastic life companion for you if you were both childless, but being a fantastic stepdad is another issue altogether. Has he expressed any interest in taking on a father-like role?

Yes I would.

I’m on my own at 50 and I would marry for financial security.

I would be careful and make sure if I died all my assets went to my children - and I mean all of them. Pension the lot. I would have that 100% sewn up like a kipper. I would make sure they was no hidden debts on his side etc or family that were going to cause me grief etc

He would have to be 100% respectful of my parenting etc and work as a team with house work etc but yes I would. As we get older looks fade and I’d even be in a sexless relationship in my 60s if I met the right person.

A friend of mine her husband died at 45 after 20 years of marriage. She moved on quickly at 47 moving in with a guy - purely for this reason for finances. He’s a nice ish man and nice to her kids - she does not love him. She respects him, they have a partnership and so on but he is not her previous husband. She was very very lonely when he husband died and wanted someone to share everything with - I don’t judge her.

if in every marriage you divorced every time you didn’t fancy them or they annoyed you - we wouldn’t have many marriages.

Sadly I think romance and sex on the kitchen counters and true love is sold by the movie industry as what we want - but what we need is great companionship, great friend, affection, pulling of weight etc

How can someone that old be so naive and optimistic? Oh yeah, he still lives with mummy so he's not had to face many of life's harsh realities and deal with them independently. This just feels like he's after something else (security, family approval, citizenship, delusional romance?) and after he's married you things will change. Best keep him as a pal and stop the sex!

It's great you're friends but have you ever been on holiday with him, for example? You know each other in one context but not in the full reality. This would be a big gamble on your part, OP. If all he's bringing to the table is a share of the bills and some company but no assets, no practical help then it's not worth it. If he moves to the UK on a year's trial he will pressure you even more. Does he want kids with you?

This sounds like a terrible idea.

1. You don’t really know him. Seeing someone so infrequently will not give you any real insight to them.
2. The lack of sexual attraction will quickly create problems. “I can go along” right now will quickly become “I resent this” once life takes over.
3. He has no track record of long term relationships. You are thinking about starting one with children involved. Perhaps think about the possibility of him moving to London and starting out normally like people do, you need to be moving slowly.

If he is a lovely guy these issues are a problem, but if there is more to him you don’t know this could go horribly wrong fast.

Friendship kindness and companionship are more important than romantic love. That fades after a while. Life isn't a fairytale and we're not talking the first flush of love/love's young dream here

Physical attraction is important, however. If you find you just can't bear him to touch you then it won't work. You'll both be miserable. Nothing wrong with taking finances into account. I'm sure a lot of women do, even if they won't say or admit it and instead moralise about it. Life as a team with 2 incomes is far easier.

Why not just relax and see how it goes for now? Yes to marriage doesn't mean you're marrying him shortly. Taking all of your post into account and being realistic about life and life stages too - sounds like you could do worse than marry him

I’d argue that you, with your complete ‘of course’ certainty about a person you’ve never met, on the basis of a few posts, are the person who’s over simplifying it.

I think marriages can successfully take many different forms. I know someone who hasn’t had sex with her husband for years. Neither mind and they’re very happy.

Anyway, not really interested in getting into a long debate it.

There's nothing bad about being single and independent. It's a great choice for many. But it's an undeniable fact that you can have more financially by pooling resources. The OP doesn't NEED a man and the extra spare cash of living with one, but she wants it. Why does anyone ever want more money? To enjoy the elements of life that have to be paid for and not miss out on things due to financial constraints. Which is as a reasonable a thing to want as independence. Just different priorities.

He's not stingy in that sense. Quite the opposite, it looks like he's constantly taken advantage of by some "friends" who borrow money and then disappear. Donates good chunks of money to charities he cares about (I know this as I helped him with some tax issues regarding this). Doesn't really have a budget, his mum runs the household finances.

I am probably the same, only that I have to maintain a stricter financial discipline because of the children. Had I lived by myself with no obligations, it is likely I would have been similarly careless, easy come, easy go.

Honestly I think this is a nightmare waiting to happen.
Your financial circumstances are almost guaranteed to improve over time given that a lot of your expenses are childcare related, and of course they will leave home eventually.
Marriage is a lifelong commitment and a very intense and difficult to escape situation to get into - the higher standard of living from increased income could easily be completely erased by him having lots of terrible habits (or worse) that you need love to overlook. Don't do it.

Also - do not underestimate the challenges of living with someone who has only ever lived with their Mum and/or a maid to do the household chores (and presumably cooking).

I've only skimmed your posts @foolsgolddigger so sorry if I have missed this, but is he coming from a country where he'd need a visa to stay here long term? If so I don't think his proposal is necessarily as altruistic/romantic as it may appear.

I'm a cynical old cow though!

If you were able to have an honest conversation with him and let him know exactly how you feel and he still wanted to go for it then i’d say consider it. But if you can’t let him know your true feelings you’re really not being fair to him. Imagine saying your vows knowing he is marrying for love (of his idealised version of it) and you are not. You care about this man so can you really do that to him?

Jesus with every post it's clear he isn't even a catch 🙄

Seriously OP, raise your standards if not for yourself for your children who will be enforced to live with this dipshit.

Haven't been on a holiday but he stays with me, usually for a week at a time when the children are away, the longest was three weeks.
He doesn't want own kids mainly because that ship has probably sailed due to our age (both his and mine.

If he was to divorce you how would that impact you. He would instantly have rights to you and your children's home. Think about that. You maybe forced to sell your home and pay him off.

Your home that you have worked so hard for suddenly won't be your own. If you break up or he starts resenting the fact you never initiate intimacy you can't just kick him out.

Unless of course you do a preen up.

Why do you think no one else has ever swooped in on this catch? I know you're flattered to be his dream woman, but it's really not so flattering with every post where we find out more about him. He's the absolute epitome of a manchild. No wonder you're not attracted to him. It's baffling why you'd string him along.

Great first reply. 👍

Are you looking to have a romantic spark with someone or is this something that doesn't particularly bother you?
There is nothing wrong with living with someone asexually but with a more emotional and affectionate connection.
Is this something you could both the happy with?

In the long term, companionship counts for as much as anything else. If you want a "compatible" marriage, then there's nothing wrong with that. Think carefully, though, because the sex aspect is bound to come into play at some point.

That would be ironic if he is actually scamming the OP and just
sees her as a good bet financially.