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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to marry for some financial security for me and the children?

573 replies

foolsgolddigger · 18/08/2023 10:44

Long-time user but with a new account, as the matter is a bit sensitive.

I am a nearly-40 single mother of two young children, with no maintenance from their father (long story, he is reasonably well off, but it is cleverly arranged so the official maintenance is nil). He left when the children were toddler / newborn age.

I have a good, but quite stressful and long-hours career, and a reasonable income. The income does not stretch far in London though (rent north of £2K, childcare north of £1K + everything else on top), and my job does not exist outside London. I don't get any help from the government for anything apart from the 25% single person council tax discount, before everyone jumps on. I am solvent and not in debt, but that's about it. Some months end in the "red" - a school trip or unexpected dental expense usually have to go on credit. I didn't have a holiday (not an exotic holiday, but even a break from work) for 8 years. No pension or savings.

Recently I got closer with a guy I dated in my early 20s (he is a few years older than me, mid-40s). For him, I am (as strange as it sounds for me) "the one who got away", and he apparently carried very strong romantic feelings for me through the years. He has never been married or in a long-term relationship, and never moved out of his parental home. We stayed friends, but more of a "text once a month" friends - not surprisingly, as we are in different countries (he lives back in our home country, and I moved to the UK). I have very warm and friendly feelings for him, somewhat nostalgic, but that's it. He's a great guy and a good friend, but there is absolutely zero romantic or sexual attraction from my side.

He proposed to me last week and I asked for some time to think. And - I am very ashamed to admit - one of the main factors on the "pros" side was to have a second income in the house. I have never been materialistic (quite opposite - very bookish, nerdy and idealistic), so it took me by surprise, and I started feeling a bit disgusted about myself. He is not wealthy, but has a good freelance income (tech sector), roughly at the same level as me. It would be a massive change to our quality of life though, and will open some opportunities to my children that I am currently not able to cover. For clarity, I do not mean him paying for my children, but even just sharing normal living expenses of a couple would make such a difference - and I could start contributing to my own pension and saving.

I am not attractive at all and has never been asked out in my life or visible to men, so it is not a "plenty of fish in the sea" scenario. It is very unusual for me to feel loved and adored to this level, and I feel really bad that I cannot offer the same intensity of feelings in return. If I could electrocute my brain and fall in love with him, I'd do it immediately without a second thought. I think he is aware - he told me he loved me multiple times, but I did not say it back.

Do you think it could work if I "settle"? "Settle" is probably not the right word here, as I am not really looking for other options now, and my realistic expectation prior to reconnecting with him was that I would be single for life.

OP posts:
Teapot13 · 19/08/2023 18:31

Have you talked about finances — are you sure he’s expecting to contribute what you think? He might think 25% is fair, you paying for yourself and kids, him paying for self? If this is part of what attracts you, you need to set it out.

I’m not saying it’s a good idea in the whole, though!

Enforceddrysummer · 19/08/2023 18:37

I would definitely take this further. A good marriage is one between best friends. You qualify on this front. You have known him for half your life, you've had a relationship with him in the past and now. I would encourage him to rent in the UK near you and accept his proposal with the caveat that you need a trail run for a year before marriage.

Remember that life goes so fast and in twenty years the friendship side of your relationship will be the most important thing. The sexual side won't matter a jot or romantic love. I really wish you all the best.

mylifestory · 19/08/2023 18:47

Do what you want and is best for you. Many ppl do this without a second thought. I'll leave it at that.

indyocean · 19/08/2023 18:51

I know plenty of people who have settlrd down with men they like snd respect and trust rather than mad passionate love

it sounds like it can work for you

BadBadDecisions · 19/08/2023 18:59

tjugofem · 19/08/2023 17:59

There was another very sad thread not too long ago on here about how hurt a woman was when she found out her husband "settled" for her. There is nothing wrong with settling, but I do believe that both parties have to be on the same page when it comes to relationships.

You say there's no sexual attraction on your side. I would feel so used and disgusted with myself if I knew my partner was consistently having sex with me despite not being attracted to me. It's unfair and it will destroy someone if they ever catch on.

Oh that thread was really sad. I lost track of it, I wonder what happened.

Elephantsdontlikechocolate · 19/08/2023 19:00

An older IT guy that lives with his parents and hasn't had attachments to other women all those years now wanting to get together with a woman with kids? It's probably not you he's attracted to.

angela99999 · 19/08/2023 19:08

foolsgolddigger · 18/08/2023 10:44

Long-time user but with a new account, as the matter is a bit sensitive.

I am a nearly-40 single mother of two young children, with no maintenance from their father (long story, he is reasonably well off, but it is cleverly arranged so the official maintenance is nil). He left when the children were toddler / newborn age.

I have a good, but quite stressful and long-hours career, and a reasonable income. The income does not stretch far in London though (rent north of £2K, childcare north of £1K + everything else on top), and my job does not exist outside London. I don't get any help from the government for anything apart from the 25% single person council tax discount, before everyone jumps on. I am solvent and not in debt, but that's about it. Some months end in the "red" - a school trip or unexpected dental expense usually have to go on credit. I didn't have a holiday (not an exotic holiday, but even a break from work) for 8 years. No pension or savings.

Recently I got closer with a guy I dated in my early 20s (he is a few years older than me, mid-40s). For him, I am (as strange as it sounds for me) "the one who got away", and he apparently carried very strong romantic feelings for me through the years. He has never been married or in a long-term relationship, and never moved out of his parental home. We stayed friends, but more of a "text once a month" friends - not surprisingly, as we are in different countries (he lives back in our home country, and I moved to the UK). I have very warm and friendly feelings for him, somewhat nostalgic, but that's it. He's a great guy and a good friend, but there is absolutely zero romantic or sexual attraction from my side.

He proposed to me last week and I asked for some time to think. And - I am very ashamed to admit - one of the main factors on the "pros" side was to have a second income in the house. I have never been materialistic (quite opposite - very bookish, nerdy and idealistic), so it took me by surprise, and I started feeling a bit disgusted about myself. He is not wealthy, but has a good freelance income (tech sector), roughly at the same level as me. It would be a massive change to our quality of life though, and will open some opportunities to my children that I am currently not able to cover. For clarity, I do not mean him paying for my children, but even just sharing normal living expenses of a couple would make such a difference - and I could start contributing to my own pension and saving.

I am not attractive at all and has never been asked out in my life or visible to men, so it is not a "plenty of fish in the sea" scenario. It is very unusual for me to feel loved and adored to this level, and I feel really bad that I cannot offer the same intensity of feelings in return. If I could electrocute my brain and fall in love with him, I'd do it immediately without a second thought. I think he is aware - he told me he loved me multiple times, but I did not say it back.

Do you think it could work if I "settle"? "Settle" is probably not the right word here, as I am not really looking for other options now, and my realistic expectation prior to reconnecting with him was that I would be single for life.

In some cultures this is the normal basis for marriage, romantic love can follow.

Floogal · 19/08/2023 19:12

Op and her boyfriend, both have more red flags than a Communist rally

tjugofem · 19/08/2023 19:20

angela99999 · 19/08/2023 19:08

In some cultures this is the normal basis for marriage, romantic love can follow.

Show quote history

The problem is that OP is in this culture. In cultures where this is the norm, both parties enter into a marriage knowing full well what the circumstances are. In this culture, when someone settles, there is an immediate power and knowledge imbalance in the relationship as they are the one who loves less.

You cannot tell me you will not feel used if your spouse married you because you were their backup and they felt like they cannot do any better. How would you feel if a man married you because you were the first to ask him out and you're his only chance of being in a relationship? How would you feel if he was not attracted to you at all but continued having sex with you because any sex to him is better than no sex?

Evan456 · 19/08/2023 19:27

The lust side usually wears off, you may not be in love with him, but could learn to love him, which long term means more than just a sexual attraction

angela99999 · 19/08/2023 19:32

tjugofem · 19/08/2023 19:20

The problem is that OP is in this culture. In cultures where this is the norm, both parties enter into a marriage knowing full well what the circumstances are. In this culture, when someone settles, there is an immediate power and knowledge imbalance in the relationship as they are the one who loves less.

You cannot tell me you will not feel used if your spouse married you because you were their backup and they felt like they cannot do any better. How would you feel if a man married you because you were the first to ask him out and you're his only chance of being in a relationship? How would you feel if he was not attracted to you at all but continued having sex with you because any sex to him is better than no sex?

Show quote history

Yes the OP lives here (and doesn't come from a culture where marriage is transactional) but there's no reason why they can't both make it work. People do.
He must be aware to some extent that she's not bowled over by romantic love but has still proposed. It really doesn't sound as though the desire for sex is a driving force for either of them, more the desire for a relationship, for security.

My one concern is that he might have idealised her as she was "the one who got away" but if he spends some months living nearby and being more involved with her and her family, he will have a fuller picture.

Isinglass20 · 19/08/2023 19:39

Personally I’d wait until the kids have left home. Time flies and in the 16 years you’ll get to know what he’s really like or whether he’s found someone else in the meantime

saffronsoup · 19/08/2023 20:09

No, unless you are completely open and transparent about your lack of feelings and motivations to share expenses. Otherwise you are using him and taking advantage of someone who has feelings for you.

If you tell him everything in the OP and decide to move ahead and you both realize the full extent of the situationship and make a plan, then it could work. What won't work is if you use him and take advantage of his feelings and lie to him.

littlemissdelightful · 19/08/2023 20:17

I would.

But only if he was generous and spoilt me.....

Does he send you gifts or money?

Have you spoken to him regarding how things will be financially?

MrsRachelDanvers · 19/08/2023 20:18

I agree with what @BruisedPear said. You sound quite detached from any romantic feeling but if all marriages based on romantic love and sexual attraction all worked, we wouldn’t have a high divorce rate. You seem to know him very well and yours and his strengths and weaknesses. In societies where arranged marriages are the norm, matches are made often based on shared values and desires-romantic love is a bonus. You like the guy and are fond of him He appears to like your family. Life is never risk free-you are obviously an intelligent woman who isn’t self deluding-so why not give this relationship a chance? Does it have to mean marriage straightaway? Maybe you are hesitant because you do yearn for attraction and romance-if this is the case, I would caution you against it, however practical the reasons as it won’t be enough and is not fair on him.

Confusion101 · 19/08/2023 20:22

@foolsgolddigger
The glaringly obvious problem to me (along with the many others people have mentioned) is that by your own admission you will still be doing all the housework, you will still be doing the child rearing. So you will be no more time rich, but will have a little extra money in the bank account! For what? To spend when? You are tired from working hard, your workload will not change whatsoever (both professionally and housework)!

Shanda5 · 19/08/2023 20:26

All I read from this is that you would be using him and have no real regard for his feelings.

Horrid thing to do to someone.

tiv2020 · 19/08/2023 20:29

@foolsgolddigger I read your posts with interest. Looks to me like your mother tongue is English, wonder which is an English-speaking second world country. Oscillating between somewhere in the Caribbeans or maybe South Africa? Mmmh.

From the tenor of your posts I infer that you are leaning towards accepting his proposal.
I like to think that I would not (although who can say for certain?), if only for the reason that I would not consider a lifelong commitment to a partner to be adequately compensated by splitting the household costs. By a wide margin!

But ultimately I root for you. Whatever you feel it's best for you - think hard on it, then go ahead and do it. No one else will do what's best for you.
Wish you all the best.

Dora26 · 19/08/2023 20:37

Marriage can be hard enough at times with love, I can’t imagine it working without. DONT DO IT!

zombie0037 · 19/08/2023 20:55

I am so shocked how many people think.she should do this, she is using this poor guy for her own financial convenience, so he would help to financially support her children, which is incredibly selfish, if a man was doing this to a woman, would you agree with it still.

tiv2020 · 19/08/2023 21:25

It does not look any different to me than how most marriages used to work a few decades ago.
Only now in addition to childrearing, housework and sex, the Op is also going to have to continue her demanding ft job.
Call it progress...

MadMadaMim · 19/08/2023 21:34

If you're honest with him and yourself then it could work for both of you.

I'd tell him how I feel. I love you as a friend. I enjoy your company. I find our time together stimulating. I don't think I love you romantically or if that will change. I think we could both have a more fulfilled life as a couple but I worry that for me, finance is a significant part of that better life. We need to see if this is real before we make life changing decisions but I can't commit to marry you before you would come to the UK. This would mean you taking the bigger risk and coming here. In 6-12 months,either of us may decide it's not going to work. I'm scared to risk our friendship.

And so on.... If you're both honest, you can both make informed choices and decisions.

I'm single and would definitely consider it - if only for the companionship! The bad (sounds soul destroying!) sex would need addressing though.

BaconChops · 19/08/2023 21:35

I once got some very good advice from an old relative of mine who said. If you marry for love and that love is always there then you can’t complain. I know, million different variations but if you are going into this eyes wide open and are honest with yourself about why you are marrying him i don’t see an issue. I mean after sex and infatuation dies down the most important thing is respect, love and friendship. I’d say go for it!!!!!! ♥️

GirlOfTudor · 19/08/2023 22:11

Good grief. You're considering marrying a guy that you're not interested in. Because it would make it easier for you financially 🤦🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️

I can guarantee that this WILL NOT work long term. You'll end up breaking his heart. You'll be taking advantage of him.

Marrying a guy who's never been married, had kids or even moved out of his parents' house is not going to fit well with a grown woman who has 2 kids and an ex to co-parent with.

Also, why should this potential fiance start relieving your financial pressure because of the choices you've made in life? Perhaps you should think of other ways to make smarter decisions. If you can't afford to live in London, move elsewhere. If your job 'doesn't exist' outside of London, find other opportunities that you might be qualified for. Seek financial support from your ex. Take a good, hard look at your finances and see what you really spend your money on. If you're spending £3,000 per month on rent and childcare, you're making AT LEAST £36,000 per year. That's not considering all your other expenses. So I'm sure you're making way more than that. Someone on that salary should not be going into the overdraft regularly.

Don't marry a guy you don't love ffs

nealjacob53 · 19/08/2023 22:19

what country are you from ?