AIBU to marry for some financial security for me and the children?

[foolsgolddigger]

Long-time user but with a new account, as the matter is a bit sensitive.

I am a nearly-40 single mother of two young children, with no maintenance from their father (long story, he is reasonably well off, but it is cleverly arranged so the official maintenance is nil). He left when the children were toddler / newborn age.

I have a good, but quite stressful and long-hours career, and a reasonable income. The income does not stretch far in London though (rent north of £2K, childcare north of £1K + everything else on top), and my job does not exist outside London. I don't get any help from the government for anything apart from the 25% single person council tax discount, before everyone jumps on. I am solvent and not in debt, but that's about it. Some months end in the "red" - a school trip or unexpected dental expense usually have to go on credit. I didn't have a holiday (not an exotic holiday, but even a break from work) for 8 years. No pension or savings.

Recently I got closer with a guy I dated in my early 20s (he is a few years older than me, mid-40s). For him, I am (as strange as it sounds for me) "the one who got away", and he apparently carried very strong romantic feelings for me through the years. He has never been married or in a long-term relationship, and never moved out of his parental home. We stayed friends, but more of a "text once a month" friends - not surprisingly, as we are in different countries (he lives back in our home country, and I moved to the UK). I have very warm and friendly feelings for him, somewhat nostalgic, but that's it. He's a great guy and a good friend, but there is absolutely zero romantic or sexual attraction from my side.

He proposed to me last week and I asked for some time to think. And - I am very ashamed to admit - one of the main factors on the "pros" side was to have a second income in the house. I have never been materialistic (quite opposite - very bookish, nerdy and idealistic), so it took me by surprise, and I started feeling a bit disgusted about myself. He is not wealthy, but has a good freelance income (tech sector), roughly at the same level as me. It would be a massive change to our quality of life though, and will open some opportunities to my children that I am currently not able to cover. For clarity, I do not mean him paying for my children, but even just sharing normal living expenses of a couple would make such a difference - and I could start contributing to my own pension and saving.

I am not attractive at all and has never been asked out in my life or visible to men, so it is not a "plenty of fish in the sea" scenario. It is very unusual for me to feel loved and adored to this level, and I feel really bad that I cannot offer the same intensity of feelings in return. If I could electrocute my brain and fall in love with him, I'd do it immediately without a second thought. I think he is aware - he told me he loved me multiple times, but I did not say it back.

Do you think it could work if I "settle"? "Settle" is probably not the right word here, as I am not really looking for other options now, and my realistic expectation prior to reconnecting with him was that I would be single for life.

If I was completely cruel (and probably a bit unfair), I'd say his mum's influence was probably a big factor. No one was good enough for her (I certainly wasn't in my time), and he broke away from her mind control only somewhere in mid-30s. Definitely not gay, he had quite a few relationships with women, just not something that converted into a marriage.

Well, I think there are a lot of pros and some cons.

You are seriously considering marrying him, so it seems fair enough to get engaged, he can move here for a year, rent somewhere near by, if that works move in for six months, and if that’s good then sure, if you feel you can and want to make it work then do it.

But if you need to slow it down for 6 months or pull out completely you have the right to do that.

The only thing I would say is you don’t really know what your options are if you’ve never dated. Lots of people’s lives don’t involve being spontaneously asked out much, that’s why online dating exists.

It just sounds like a weird set up. You don't have a proper relationship but he's asked you to marry him. He's spent minimal time with your children. You don't fancy him or love him (in the way you'd hope).

I wouldn't accept a marriage proposal under these circumstances. I don't think you need to be head over heels in love to marry, there are lots of other things to consider. I think if you both want this relationship to progress then he should move near you and have a proper relationship. Then if you're compatible in lots of ways (other than lust or love) then go for it.

@foolsgolddigger I think it is quite safe to say that my romantic prospects are limited.

This is very unlikely to be true - you have to do an active search, though, which I of course get is hard when money is tight and you have small children.

You are clever and resourceful, and there is a large group of men who do care about being with someone who doesn't bore them.

Long relationships are hard enough when you have a bedrock of romantic love. And in 20 years time he will be old - and older than you to boot, and expecting you to care for him.

If you said you really wanted another child, or that he owned his own house, I would maybe see a stronger reason for you to marry him. As it is, I'm not sure you'll be gaining the security you think you will - so why not leave things as they are?

Well, the reality is that I am nearly 40, and I had only two relationships in my life. One with this guy and another one with the father of my children, who decided he could settle for my personality and other non-superficial qualities, but in the end couldn't and left for someone conventionally attractive. I work in a heavily male dominated industry, my undergrad, grad and doctorate were within a ~90% male environment. There was no interest towards me even when I was much younger - and yes, I took initiative and asked men out, and they said no, or expected a one night stand maximum.

You sound realistic enough OP. Don't let people who aren't, never were, and never will be in your life situation, sway you. Do you have a friend you can talk to? Not one who's unrealistic and wants to convince you your relationship options are the same as when you were young and child-free. A good friend who understands life, and knows and understands you and fully why you're considering this proposal.

I would think the biggest risk here is the ability of someone like this to manage to live with and deal with the reality of children - and children that are not his. If he has idealised this relationship with you for years, it's likely that focused on the 'you and him' bit. The day to day demand of bringing up two DC is likely to be some distance from this. Even in better circumstances he would not be your sole focus... and in this case you are not even slightly obsessed with him - so he may find the weight of your attention being on your children too much to bear. I would worry about the impact of this on your DC and the potential of him being jealous of them.

@foolsgolddigger - are you sure the lack of attraction isn’t actually just a combination of having got used to seeing him as just a friend, not a romantic prospect, and the “treat them mean and keep them keen” mentality in reverse? It’s hard to get excited about a sure thing, after all, and he’s offering himself to you on a plate. How would you feel, however, if you turned down his proposal and the whole friendship fizzled out, so that you didn’t actually see him again?

As for the rest of it, I can imagine it working without your children being in the picture, but do you really come from a culture where the husband will happily help finance another man’s children whilst expecting no say in the way they are brought up, despite having to live with them and tolerate the impact they have on his access to you, your time and your shared interests? That bit comes across as both weird and unrealistic, imvho. Your children are a massive factor in this, including your desire for more ready cash, but you only seem to be focused on whether marrying him primarily for the financial benefit makes you a bad person, not whether it makes you a person strangely blind to the full implications of moving a father figure (whether you and he like it or not) into your home.

Agreed.

Your children are a massive factor in this, including your desire for more ready cash, but you only seem to be focused on whether marrying him primarily for the financial benefit makes you a bad person, not whether it makes you a person strangely blind to the full implications of moving a father figure (whether you and he like it or not) into your home.
Well, I am not strangely blind to possible issues, I just thought through all possible scenarios and did not find anything insurmountable. For some reason some thread participants seem to think that I will just bring a stranger into the children's house and - "here's your new dad, you'll have to love him now, because I don't".

@foolsgolddigger - the “for some reason” is your total failure to mention any qualities he possesses that are relevant to fatherhood. What you have focused on in this thread is your lack of physical attraction, lack of romantic feelings, and his cash. If not strangely blind, you are strangely quiet, except to specify he won’t have to contribute towards your children, just share living expenses (presumably yours and his, after being awarded a discount to account for the additional cost of your children, who will not be his responsibility).

Do you want your children to have him as a father figure? Will he be a good example?

Well, I did not do the exact sums as I am not that cold and calculating. I just rely on a simple idea that doubling the household income normally leads to a better lifestyle

I dont know why you are assuming he would pay half the bills and mortgage. If it's simply because that's what would be culturely expected... I don't think its culturaly expected for him to support step children so why would he follow some cultural norms and not others?

sounds akin to prostitution - but if it works for you, why not?

Well, I started a topic about the issue that worries me most in this case. How he and my children get on concerns me much less as I know both sides and think they'll get along very well in case of sharing territory. I don't intend for him to be a replacement father for them, they already have a father. But as another significant adult, I think yes, he will enrich their lives very much.

I don't have a mortgage. Why would an adult move together with another adult and not be responsible to cover own share of expenses? I don't think the British culture expects anything different in this situation either.

I have joined to comment on this.
I have been a single parent for many years, less income than you, no childcare as children secondary age but supporting oldest at university now. Totally understand your point about shovelling snow in a blizzard financially and the exhausting grind of being a single parent.

The two things I think this situation has going for it are that you know each other for twenty years and you have the same obligations in due course in your home country, as I understand it. I can understand how that feels like a comfortable pair of slippers to put on or a nice blanket to settle into (and I don’t mean that in a bad way).

The things which would put me off:

If I want to do some reps in the gym, I go to the gym. (Of course with childcare issues, this was only possible for me recently, but if your children are at their dad’s long enough for you to be with this man, they are also there long enough for you to carve out your own interests and fulfilling activities). I know the gym/reps point was an analogy, but there is no emotional damage to doing reps in the gym. I would be concerned there is emotional damage when you start to think later in life that this man is happy to ejaculate into you for his pleasure but not considering yours.

I start with sex but I can see the point that sex is not the be all and end all. However, you are talking about a man who lives according to his own whims (when you have children and are not able to do this in the same way), who you anticipate having to ‘parent’ or at least take charge of everything for domestically, who proposed to you in front of people (which I find manipulative), who has no discernible assets in his forties (and does not have the costs of children or separation/divorce to explain this), and who your children have not stayed with for any length of time. i agree with the posters who express concern that you will add to your workload, not decrease it.

My own position, after having had a good on paper but bad in practice relationship some ten years ago when I had been a single parent for four years at that point, is to remain single until the children are older or (more likely) for the rest of my days. It does do damage to children to bring an adult into their lives who is not 100% committed to understanding and accepting them. I am not saying this man will not understand and accept your children, but at the moment, he doesn’t even know them. To that point, I think you are sensible to have him live nearby and get to know your children very, very slowly. The problem is that most issues of control or abuse will become apparent after you are married and his feet are under the table, or even just that your time is even more stretched to fit everyone and everything in (maybe money does help with that, I don’t know, I don’t have it, but even cleaners need to be organised and tidied for in advance).

The thing going in your favour is that you have known him for twenty years and you are not wearing lust-goggles (it does go too far the other way in having no romantic feelings at all, though). My question is whether you would be thinking of marrying him if he had not suggested it. He seems to have quite the way of ensuring a comfortable and carefree life for himself, so I would be making sure I was not just the next way of facilitating this. (All the money in the world is not worth being someone’s domestic and sexual support service, in my opinion).

As someone said upthread, divorce is expensive, and emotionally not ideal either. I would make sure you are not thinking, well, we can just divorce if this does not work out. (Maybe it is less of a challenge if you don’t have shared assets or children together, but I would still make sure that there was a clear exit path).

It is okay to be single, by the way. It does get a lot easier when the children are at secondary school.

@foolsgolddigger As @Indiacalling points out, “He seems to have quite the way of ensuring a comfortable and carefree life for himself, so I would be making sure I was not just the next way of facilitating this.” I would be a bit concerned that he has lived with his mother all the while that she was physically fit and compos mentis, but now she needs a domestic helper, he wants to get out and live with someone still capable of doing all the domestic chores.

Tbh, I can see him not saving you any time or money: you may need a bigger home to accommodate everyone, especially as your children get older and if he does some work from home, so that will automatically cost you a lot more just to enable everyone not to be on top of each other; who knows how your ex partner may react to his presence in your home and whether that could cause any issues for you; would he really be hands off with the children, except as a vaguely interested adult, and is that even what you will want when it is a reality; and what if he actually does start to express negative opinions on their upbringing or, eg, their English attitudes and behaviours?

Frankly, I would find an adult living in the house who wasn’t willing to help tidy up the mess they made or, eg, look after the children whilst I got stuff done outside the home, a massive irritation after a while, and don’t actually believe it is possible to live in a house with someone else’s children without developing opinions on the way they are being brought up. He would be treading on eggshells, especially in their teenage years, trying to avoid saying or doing something you believe to be the “wrong thing” to have said or done to children who “aren’t even his.” I therefore think your idea that he will just be some benign presence, but not involved in parenting, is unrealistic, especially if you live near London and can’t afford somewhere big enough for everyone to get away from each other.

I agree with those saying it doesn't add up. Your incomes are similar but you have been spending £2k a month on rent and £1k on childcare, while he has spent an equivalent amount every month for decades on...nothing? At this stage of his life he is unlikely to change his ways, so he seems more a liability than an asset. Only someone who is financially disastrous could get to where he is now with no savings or assets...if his income is as he has told you.

To be honest in this position I would totally run the numbers AND also discuss with him the finances before actual marriage. In theory yes doubling the income is great but not if he spends all his income elsewhere or fritters it away, you don’t want to end up with this man and no extra money for the trouble

I am sorry for your current financial situation, you chose to have children with your ex, why should it be down to the new fella, to take financial support of you and children, maybe get your ex to court, and make him take financial responsibility, instead of leaching of this other guy, who obviously love you and you will.be taking advantage of him, sorry that is shameful, what would you do if a man did that to you.

There’s a reason they call it settling down. It is settling for everyone. Hardly anyone would say they married their perfect prince, there’s always stuff you put up with. (Or from what I’m told, I’m happily single and skint with my 7 month old).

I choose to be on my own because I know that happy mummy means happy baby, and I would personally feel very trapped by relying on a bloke. But everyone’s situation is different, and what they can tolerate is different.

Whatever you choose, just be sure that you are putting yourself first so that you are happy. If you’re not it won’t matter how much money you have.

it’s a tough decision, I don’t envy you.

You will probably have a happy comfortable life but may be in trouble if you meet someone whom you do have those feelings for

There was another very sad thread not too long ago on here about how hurt a woman was when she found out her husband "settled" for her. There is nothing wrong with settling, but I do believe that both parties have to be on the same page when it comes to relationships.

You say there's no sexual attraction on your side. I would feel so used and disgusted with myself if I knew my partner was consistently having sex with me despite not being attracted to me. It's unfair and it will destroy someone if they ever catch on.

If you can both live without being intimate and you get along well as friends it could work, but you would need to be clear that you're both on the same page. It would be unfair if he has romantic/serial feelings but you don't, as inevitably you'd be wntrring a marriage under false pretences and could lead to an expensive divorce and upheaval for you and your children. You also have to think of what you are teaching your children.
I completely understand your train of thought financially and to settle, but a lifetime is a long time. This won't be something to see you through the next 5-10 years.
Personally I would rather be alone and struggle than with the wrong person for all the wrong reasons. You also cut yourself off from potential real love.
Many people choose to settle, many existing marriages are just this and people stay together for children or financial reasons, but it can be quite lonely in the wrong relationship, more so than actually being alone. Just my thoughts.

I think it's concerning he's never been in a LTR or lived with someone. How would he cope with the reality of family/step parenting? He probably loves a romanticised version of you and your situation. Because of your kids, I would take this very slowly. You really have no way of knowing how he'd cope living with kids who aren't his, day in and day out. It's a big gamble.

No please don’t. It’s very unfair on him