AIBU to marry for some financial security for me and the children?

[foolsgolddigger]

Long-time user but with a new account, as the matter is a bit sensitive.

I am a nearly-40 single mother of two young children, with no maintenance from their father (long story, he is reasonably well off, but it is cleverly arranged so the official maintenance is nil). He left when the children were toddler / newborn age.

I have a good, but quite stressful and long-hours career, and a reasonable income. The income does not stretch far in London though (rent north of £2K, childcare north of £1K + everything else on top), and my job does not exist outside London. I don't get any help from the government for anything apart from the 25% single person council tax discount, before everyone jumps on. I am solvent and not in debt, but that's about it. Some months end in the "red" - a school trip or unexpected dental expense usually have to go on credit. I didn't have a holiday (not an exotic holiday, but even a break from work) for 8 years. No pension or savings.

Recently I got closer with a guy I dated in my early 20s (he is a few years older than me, mid-40s). For him, I am (as strange as it sounds for me) "the one who got away", and he apparently carried very strong romantic feelings for me through the years. He has never been married or in a long-term relationship, and never moved out of his parental home. We stayed friends, but more of a "text once a month" friends - not surprisingly, as we are in different countries (he lives back in our home country, and I moved to the UK). I have very warm and friendly feelings for him, somewhat nostalgic, but that's it. He's a great guy and a good friend, but there is absolutely zero romantic or sexual attraction from my side.

He proposed to me last week and I asked for some time to think. And - I am very ashamed to admit - one of the main factors on the "pros" side was to have a second income in the house. I have never been materialistic (quite opposite - very bookish, nerdy and idealistic), so it took me by surprise, and I started feeling a bit disgusted about myself. He is not wealthy, but has a good freelance income (tech sector), roughly at the same level as me. It would be a massive change to our quality of life though, and will open some opportunities to my children that I am currently not able to cover. For clarity, I do not mean him paying for my children, but even just sharing normal living expenses of a couple would make such a difference - and I could start contributing to my own pension and saving.

I am not attractive at all and has never been asked out in my life or visible to men, so it is not a "plenty of fish in the sea" scenario. It is very unusual for me to feel loved and adored to this level, and I feel really bad that I cannot offer the same intensity of feelings in return. If I could electrocute my brain and fall in love with him, I'd do it immediately without a second thought. I think he is aware - he told me he loved me multiple times, but I did not say it back.

Do you think it could work if I "settle"? "Settle" is probably not the right word here, as I am not really looking for other options now, and my realistic expectation prior to reconnecting with him was that I would be single for life.

Let's imagine that you are going to show him this entire thread. Do you suppose he would still want to be with you and marry you? Of course you're not going to show him this, so already you are being deceitful, and you haven't even said yes yet. It doesn't bode well.

And also let's imagine that a man wrote this same post, asking if it's acceptable for him to marry a woman for financial reasons, a woman who he has no intimate interest in at all, and with whom he only wanted to be with so that he could reduce his outgoings and enable him "to get a cleaner in". He'd get lynched and chased off the internet. Rightly so, imo.

This whole thing is so wrong, so sad and so selfish. Not to mention the dreadful example that you'll be setting for your children. I have a friend who grew up in a loveless marriage environment (not violent or abusive, just clinical and functional, Dad adored Mum, Mum didn't feel the same way and had a succession of affairs). My friend was VERY aware that her parent's marriage wasn't based on traditional values and that it was a financial exercise on the part of the mother, who didn't want to lose her luxury lifestyle. It made her a miserable teenager and a very insecure adult.

You can't fall IN love with someone, you can learn TO love them but those are very different emotions. If you persist in this pursuit, the very least you should do is actually just be honest with the bloke and let him decide.

Well, I'd imagine that if any of people discussed on MN saw threads about them, it would not be rainbows and unicorns at all. I don't feel good about the situation myself, I think I made it quite clear, and that is was a surprise to me as well, as I did not even consider I am capable of thinking like that.

I am not lying to him. I didn't tell him I loved him, he is probably well aware that I don't get orgasms with him as I don't fake it, and I didn't jump in excitement after the proposal (which was quute sudden, public and in presence of other people we both know). If I indeed wanted to manipulate him... oh boy it would take no effort at all.

My parents married for love, had an exemplary marriage, never had any money and are still deeply in love (and still don't have any money). I am still a very insecure adult with no history of functional relationships, so not sure there is an obvious connection.

OP I asked upthread but appreciate you've had lots of posts to read... do you really think a sensible man who understands that children are a parent's priority, would propose to a woman with children when he has only met those children a couple of times?

Aren't you deeply concerned that by doing so he's shown that he has no understanding of your responsibilities as a parent and isn't taking your children into consideration in the way he should be?

I didn't say you were lying, I said you are being deceitful - and sorry, but you are being massively deceitful.

Look, you've posted a thread on AIBU, but seem intent on justifying your intentions to anyone who says you are BU. If it's what you really want to do then do it - I just don't see the point in asking for other peoples' opinions if you truly believe you are doing the right thing.

Sorry - I am getting slowly through the thread. I think it is very difficult to imagine how life is with children when you don't have them (and when you were a single child). So I don't see it as something that is deeply concerning, as he just has no experience living with the children, or even dating someone with children previously. Maybe he's a bit idealistic, but I'd be much more concerned if he saw me as "used goods", or my children as a burden.

He tries to build a relationship with them, as much as possible, remotely. He met them several times, plays minecraft with my oldest online, and they briefly chat if the children are around and I have a call with him.

He understands my responsibilities, that's why the current plan is to live in the UK, and do the gradual blending rather than just moving him in. He relies on me mostly to decide how their relationship proceeds, and this is sensible, in my opinion.

I was going to move back anyway, him or not, after the kids are reasonably independent. I am not native to the UK, I even have no long-term immigration grounds to stay once they are of age, I don't like it here that much, and quite frankly, I am just trapped here by the family law system. Due to my own poor decision making, of course, but still.

I would continue with the marriage if he wasn't able to work, of course. I am that stupid person who takes the vows very literally.

Well you're already sleeping with him so I don't see the issue really!

people get married for different reasons but we need to be practical.

how would you feel though if his financial circumstances changed, his income dipped or you split up and we're then left on your own again?

Well, I did not do the exact sums as I am not that cold and calculating. I just rely on a simple idea that doubling the household income normally leads to a better lifestyle. And he supports his mum now, and I expect this to continue, and my own parents will require support in a few years too as there are no pensions one can survive on back home, the family is expected to support their elderly. He doesn't expect me to stay at home and look after him, no.

Well, I did not do the exact sums as I am not that cold and calculating. I just rely on a simple idea that doubling the household income normally leads to a better lifestyle. And he supports his mum now, and I expect this to continue, and my own parents will require support in a few years too as there are no pensions one can survive on back home, the family is expected to support their elderly. He doesn't expect me to stay at home and look after him, no.

I know that. This couple don’t have it now let alone after a few decade! Non starter!

This is really grim. Why in earth are you having sex with someone you don’t fancy? The fact that he knows you gain no pleasure from it is bordering on sexual assault. What kind of person has sex with someone who is not enjoying it?
You hope that love will grow but you’ve been seeing each other a while now and you don’t love him or even fancy him. All that will change if he moves here will be more domestic drudgery- you’re not suddenly going to see a more loveable or sexy version of him.
Theres nothing wrong with being practical in relationships but this is a total non starter. There has to be a bit of attraction.
please look at some of the threads on here where women are destroyed by forcing themselves to have sex with their husbands. It’s awful.

I think he’s massively taking advantage of you.
He knows you’re inexperienced with relationships and, forgive me for saying, you seem like you have very little self esteem.

Why do you feel you have to have sex with him?
You absolutely should not be having sex with him if it’s not what you want!

It’s repulsive that he thinks he can pump away for 10 seconds so he can get his jollies. He must know you’re not enjoying it?

God, I feel awful for you OP. Don’t marry him. Don’t have sex with him. Forget about the money. You are worth more than this!

Ugh no my mum did this. It's affected my relationships as in I don't have any and have always had issues.

It is not a sexual assault ffs, and I would not be destroyed if I had to have sex with only him for the rest of my life. He doesn't have a high libido, and neither do I - it is probably not as important for us as it is to some people. During our relationship in our 20s (for two and a half years in total, but with a half-year break in between) we settled into a pattern of sex once every two-three weeks, and everyone was OK with it. It is about the same now, maybe a bit more frequent because our time together is limited. But still not multiple times a day, and not even daily.

I am more troubled by absence of romantic feelings from my side.

DO NOT DO THIS.

Protect your children from this. You're getting by, which is really fine. It's not clear you will be doing more than breaking even if he moved in with you and you moved to a new property - he won't want to move to conventional working patterns so won't earn as much as he expects; he will want to keep his freedom to do what he likes hobby-wise; you will begin to find him extremely intrusive and annoying, disruptive to your little family; and it's very likely that he will clash with the children.

The downside risk is huge.

Could you find a new sector to work in? Retrain/relocate? And you could definitely meet somebody more suitable who you really connect with. London is a huge city and you are still young.

Also! Why on earth are you calling yourself not attractive? That's self-fulfilling!!! And what has conventional prettiness got to do with anything anyway - you can be desirable in so many ways. You just need to find the people who find your type appealing.

You dated for 2.5 years in your twenties!!!!!
Did I miss this info earlier or is it a massive drip feed?
Were you attracted to him when you dated him then?

It’s in the OP, start of para 4:

“Recently I got closer with a guy I dated in my early 20s “

Yes, I saw that but 2.5 years isn’t mentioned and that is a significant length relationship at that age. Surely she must have been attracted to him at that time?

Well, the reality is that I am nearly 40, and I had only two relationships in my life. One with this guy and another one with the father of my children, who decided he could settle for my personality and other non-superficial qualities, but in the end couldn't and left for someone conventionally attractive. I work in a heavily male dominated industry, my undergrad, grad and doctorate were within a ~90% male environment. There was no interest towards me even when I was much younger - and yes, I took initiative and asked men out, and they said no, or expected a one night stand maximum. I think it is quite safe to say that my romantic prospects are limited.

I said this in the opening post. Would it be very weird if I say that I don't remember whether I was attracted or not? I think I was in some sense, but I don't remember it being a significant factor when I moved away for further education and we separated as a result.

I have to be honest, I still don't get the money thing. If he earns 15-20 x the average wage, and lives with his mum, then he must must if he earns 80k a year have huge savings, or property. He must. If he's from where my husband is from, property is everything and people use that as a security/asset even if they move to the Uk, everyone I know has at least one property back home.

Something isn't adding up about his income or assets, lack of property, as if he's seriously wealthy by that country's standards, he would have a lot to show for it. Even if he worked part time and only took shorter contract work...

Once he gets to the UK, his money won't go so far either...

I'm not sure he's wealthy, OP. He has enough to pay for his own flight (fair enough!) and meals out, but that's not a whole year's worth of income. What's he spent it on? Or is he hiding all that money?

I would not marry, he can come to the UK and work and have his own studio and see what it's like to blend into your family.

It is also unusual for men from these countries (and again, my husband came here as an immigrant) to be single in forties, they all marry, as expected. Usually the pressure is to marry by late twenties, early thirties. If he's good-looking, is v wealthy by that country's standards, but still lives with his mum. Again, this story doesn't add up to me or rather I feel there's something missing. It might be you, OP, but it might not (is there any chance he could be gay or had a relationship with the 'wrong' woman?)

He's just not practically minded. You're right, that people back home do invest into property and solid assets like that, but it has never been a consideration for him.

He lent his best friend an equivalent of annual income to buy a house for his family (the friend has no means to pay back and yes, I know both of them and they joke about it). Bought an alien ware laptop for work because it is cool. Travelled on a whim to wherever he wanted. Things like that.

He's not wealthy, but I don't think I said he was wealthy? He's somewhere at my level income wise (I don't know the exact number, of course).

Erm why would you do this to the poor man?
If you do think it’s acceptable then you need to tell him! By the way I don’t find you attractive even though I’m having sex with you but would like you use you for some stability. Weird…