AIBU to marry for some financial security for me and the children?

[foolsgolddigger]

Long-time user but with a new account, as the matter is a bit sensitive.

I am a nearly-40 single mother of two young children, with no maintenance from their father (long story, he is reasonably well off, but it is cleverly arranged so the official maintenance is nil). He left when the children were toddler / newborn age.

I have a good, but quite stressful and long-hours career, and a reasonable income. The income does not stretch far in London though (rent north of £2K, childcare north of £1K + everything else on top), and my job does not exist outside London. I don't get any help from the government for anything apart from the 25% single person council tax discount, before everyone jumps on. I am solvent and not in debt, but that's about it. Some months end in the "red" - a school trip or unexpected dental expense usually have to go on credit. I didn't have a holiday (not an exotic holiday, but even a break from work) for 8 years. No pension or savings.

Recently I got closer with a guy I dated in my early 20s (he is a few years older than me, mid-40s). For him, I am (as strange as it sounds for me) "the one who got away", and he apparently carried very strong romantic feelings for me through the years. He has never been married or in a long-term relationship, and never moved out of his parental home. We stayed friends, but more of a "text once a month" friends - not surprisingly, as we are in different countries (he lives back in our home country, and I moved to the UK). I have very warm and friendly feelings for him, somewhat nostalgic, but that's it. He's a great guy and a good friend, but there is absolutely zero romantic or sexual attraction from my side.

He proposed to me last week and I asked for some time to think. And - I am very ashamed to admit - one of the main factors on the "pros" side was to have a second income in the house. I have never been materialistic (quite opposite - very bookish, nerdy and idealistic), so it took me by surprise, and I started feeling a bit disgusted about myself. He is not wealthy, but has a good freelance income (tech sector), roughly at the same level as me. It would be a massive change to our quality of life though, and will open some opportunities to my children that I am currently not able to cover. For clarity, I do not mean him paying for my children, but even just sharing normal living expenses of a couple would make such a difference - and I could start contributing to my own pension and saving.

I am not attractive at all and has never been asked out in my life or visible to men, so it is not a "plenty of fish in the sea" scenario. It is very unusual for me to feel loved and adored to this level, and I feel really bad that I cannot offer the same intensity of feelings in return. If I could electrocute my brain and fall in love with him, I'd do it immediately without a second thought. I think he is aware - he told me he loved me multiple times, but I did not say it back.

Do you think it could work if I "settle"? "Settle" is probably not the right word here, as I am not really looking for other options now, and my realistic expectation prior to reconnecting with him was that I would be single for life.

Not everyone in life gets that 'crazy in love' feeling but marriages can still work if there is genuine friendship, warmth and respect for each other.

As long as there isn’t an imbalance of romantic feelings, yes.

Honestly the question of how you would parent together, in whatever form that might take should be the FIRST question. It worries me that it seems to fall behind money and sex on the list of considerations.
Bringing another adult into your children’s lives is a huge responsibility, and the failure rate for stepfamilies is extremely high.
A man with no experience of living with children, moving half way across the world to kids he’s met a couple of times, sounds like far too much of a risk to me. Has he considered that he is proposing to a ‘family’ and not just the mum?
You come as a package, and the children have to come first.

Yes, I know. I don't lie to him, and (hopefully) don't future-fake, but yes, I do not disclose my full thought process. It was a surprise even to me, when I started thinking about how our life might be together. For some issues I felt uneasy about (yes, like domestic chores mentioned many times on the thread) I just thought - "well, we'll just get a cleaner for this as there will be extra money" or "probably finally will be able to take some time off work to de-stress instead of living on caffeine all the time".

I mean, ability to just throw money at some problems does in some way help the relationship as well.

I can understand your though process though OP - it’s no walk in the park parenting alone with limited resources. I’d just be very very cautious.

I would...

I think you at least need to have detailed discussions with him about how things will be managed financially. Otherwise you might find that you both have completely different plans. For example, is he definitely going to be happy to pay for domestic help or is he assuming that you will continue as you do now?

I have read all your messages OP and my gut instinct is don’t do it.

But how much money are we talking here?
I’m imagining you living the single parent life in London, earning about 60k but only really just covering your expenses?

How much is he paid? 100k? 150?
If it is really enough to make the problem of him being a man-boy go away (pay for daily cleaning for example) I suppose it will make a different.

Does he earn enough to support you all, maintain the lifestyle he is used to, AND have extras to make life with him more comfortable??
The amount of money is important , I feel.

True. But if I am 100% fair, I would not have considered it at all, had he been exactly the same person but with zero potential financial contribution. So in the end, it is a decisive factor.

Have a trial. Have him temporarily move in for 3 months.

OP, are you willing to say where you are from?

My natural nosiness curiosity is asking.

Look, my take is that love can grow. Having married 2 men I was agog over, I would choose kindness and respect every time now.

However, there are children involved, and 15 second sex, which doesn't make any of this seem easy or ideal.

Personally, I would ask him for a 6m sabbatical on answering in order to spend some more time together and see if this potential set up is doable. Remember, kids are the ones who will be mostly affected by such a change to your life.

If he is as great as you say he is, he will respect the request.

Well it would be a bit odd if he had no income at all. Equally if you couldn’t stand him as a person - that would be the decisive factor.

I understand what you’re saying - but the point is he is both nice and solvent.

That's an awful idea for the children involved. He's not a bloody trial parent.

Well he has 3 options: his mum continues to clean for him, he does it himself or he pays someone.

I think it's possible to be happy in a relationship where you are fond of your partner but don't feel a strong attraction. However, a few things concern me.

The main one is that you have young children being raised here and you imply that you will return to his country of origin once their education is finished. Was it always your plan to return? Your children are not likely to want to be uprooted then to a country they have never lived in and you may feel unhappy leaving them in the UK.

For this man, leaving his country and his elderly mother to come and live with your family is a big deal. You all need to spend a lot more time together as a family before committing. He may have no idea how much life will change bringing up your children with you.

Lastly, your main reason to consider marriage is financial, but would you still want to be with this man if, for whatever reason, he was no longer able to work?

Well said.

A well adjusted, sensible, decent bloke doesn't propose to a woman who has children he's only met a couple of times.

To do so is to show a complete lack of understanding of the fact they are (or should be) their mum's priority and centre of her decision making / future planning.

OP, aren't you concerned that he's proposed despite having only met them a couple of times? Do you think that is sensible decision making that shows he understands the kids come first?

With her kids?

Yeah. Better that than move him in permanently after the wedding and then find out they are completely incompatible in which the kids get to watch it all unravel.

I’m just saying that she needs to check that he agrees those are the options as he could have very different ideas. Similarly, is he agreeable for OP to cut back on work hours or is that just wishful thinking on her part?
There seems to be a lot of assumptions about how it will pan out but he needs to agree if he will be financing it.

Yeah. Better that than move him in permanently after the wedding and then find out they are completely incompatible in which the kids get to watch it all unravel.

Or she could go with wildcard option three and not entertain getting engaged to, or moving in with, a man who has proposed to her despite only meeting her kids a few times!

I think if I give the number I will be just piled on by people as usual. I am on £81K, that is a few pounds below £4.5K per month net. Out of that: my rent is £2.35K, childcare £1.1K, so I am left with £1K for council tax, utilities, commute to central London from zone 5, food, clothes, etc. Everything is the cheapest version I could get (admittedly, I don't see moving into a studio flat with two school aged children as realistic, as suggested upthread). This salary comes with responsibility of managing quite a large team, and long hours with weekend work sometimes. Yes, the childcare is likely to disappear in ~5 years, but it is still 5 years away.

He is somewhere in the same range of total income, but because he works part-time mainly (or rather few months off, few months on, and chooses only projects he likes). Full-time equivalent is probably £200K-£250K based on gross day rates now. But I think he has the right set up, there are no medals for working yourself into the ground.

Nah. It's clear she wants to do this. She has excuses for everything. The reality of it will be a lot different. So it's better to experience the reality of it temporarily and easier to get out of if it's a disaster.

I don't really want to say where I am from, as there are quite strong national stereotypes that neither me or him fit well, and it won't help the discussion. Let's say I would say I am a Filipina, everyone would immediately think "a nurse". Or I would say Moroccan, Tunisian or Egyptian, and everyone would think romantic scams by beach boys.

I think it is a better idea than doing a rental thing. You need to be immersed into into this 24/7. You say you are into him as a friend but there is still an element of novelty there as you don't see each other often, so you always have something to talk about it etc. now imagine you with with him each day every day, you have to tolerate sex not once a month but more often than that. How you share responsibilities. How he really is with your children. All the practical aspects. Then decide.

Are you sure it is really enough money?

You are currently spending all of your £81k and it isn’t really enough (no pension or savings).

He is currently spending all his money and enjoying working part time and having a nice lifestyle, living rent-free (presumably) with parents.

So when he comes to live with you, his life is going to change dramatically isn’t it? He will be paying rent and bills in London. He will be supporting a family of 4, not just himself. Okay, there will be your wage coming in too, but there will also be flights to and from his home country, and he is presumably going to want to maintain his current lifestyle (which may be considerably more expensive in London compared to where he’s living now?) and I am assuming you will want to be putting your salary into investments / pension scheme, not spend it on cleaning and laundry and meal delivery?

I mean, it *might be enough, but have you really done the sums, and do you know what his expectations are? Maybe he is expecting you to be staying home and looking after him as well as the children like his mum does (possibly he imagines that you can do this as well as do your job - but he is wrong of course!)

You're being disingenuous in this relationship.

It doesn't sound like it would work anyway.