AIBU to marry for some financial security for me and the children?

[foolsgolddigger]

Long-time user but with a new account, as the matter is a bit sensitive.

I am a nearly-40 single mother of two young children, with no maintenance from their father (long story, he is reasonably well off, but it is cleverly arranged so the official maintenance is nil). He left when the children were toddler / newborn age.

I have a good, but quite stressful and long-hours career, and a reasonable income. The income does not stretch far in London though (rent north of £2K, childcare north of £1K + everything else on top), and my job does not exist outside London. I don't get any help from the government for anything apart from the 25% single person council tax discount, before everyone jumps on. I am solvent and not in debt, but that's about it. Some months end in the "red" - a school trip or unexpected dental expense usually have to go on credit. I didn't have a holiday (not an exotic holiday, but even a break from work) for 8 years. No pension or savings.

Recently I got closer with a guy I dated in my early 20s (he is a few years older than me, mid-40s). For him, I am (as strange as it sounds for me) "the one who got away", and he apparently carried very strong romantic feelings for me through the years. He has never been married or in a long-term relationship, and never moved out of his parental home. We stayed friends, but more of a "text once a month" friends - not surprisingly, as we are in different countries (he lives back in our home country, and I moved to the UK). I have very warm and friendly feelings for him, somewhat nostalgic, but that's it. He's a great guy and a good friend, but there is absolutely zero romantic or sexual attraction from my side.

He proposed to me last week and I asked for some time to think. And - I am very ashamed to admit - one of the main factors on the "pros" side was to have a second income in the house. I have never been materialistic (quite opposite - very bookish, nerdy and idealistic), so it took me by surprise, and I started feeling a bit disgusted about myself. He is not wealthy, but has a good freelance income (tech sector), roughly at the same level as me. It would be a massive change to our quality of life though, and will open some opportunities to my children that I am currently not able to cover. For clarity, I do not mean him paying for my children, but even just sharing normal living expenses of a couple would make such a difference - and I could start contributing to my own pension and saving.

I am not attractive at all and has never been asked out in my life or visible to men, so it is not a "plenty of fish in the sea" scenario. It is very unusual for me to feel loved and adored to this level, and I feel really bad that I cannot offer the same intensity of feelings in return. If I could electrocute my brain and fall in love with him, I'd do it immediately without a second thought. I think he is aware - he told me he loved me multiple times, but I did not say it back.

Do you think it could work if I "settle"? "Settle" is probably not the right word here, as I am not really looking for other options now, and my realistic expectation prior to reconnecting with him was that I would be single for life.

I don't see how he can have her kids interests at heart if he's proposed to their mum having only met them a couple of times...

I admire your honesty and courage OP to come here and tell your story.
The chap sounds like a great person and a genuine friend and you’ve built a genuine caring relationship over decades.

I think you’d need to be upfront with him about the fact that you’re really not sure you want to commit to marriage at this stage but that you would welcome the opportunity to have him move to UK if he’s still willing to give a geographically closer relationship a go: get to know you truly, you him and the dynamics and reality of sharing life with your DC (3 weeks without the kids together is hardly enough to test how he and you will feel when reality bites). You may indeed find love grows but if it doesn’t hopefully a lifelong friendship will endure and if it does marriage indeed seems the logical outcome.
But be honest with him that you’re not sure without a trial period.
I think it’s funny how many people can’t even imagine UK not being the most desirable place to be for him and imagine all kind of visa scamming scenarios!

Finally it’s clear the lone parenting and work and financial pressure is exhausting you to the point you do not see yourself clearly and what a catch you really are: independent, bright, strong to keep your little family together on your own with no real support from family or your ex. It’s to be commended you put your DC needs first by allowing them continued access to a father who doesn’t contribute a penny towards their upkeep.
And so don’t think of yourself as “below average”. Work on your self esteem and know you are worthy not just of friendship and adoration from this man but from any decent guy that can see what a catch you are. Truly work on that. You deserve to be loved as much as this man appears to love you but also to have that with someone you also love as much in return.

I hope this helps and Good Luck!

A couple of interesting recent/current threads to factor in. There'll be many more relevant ones I'm sure, but I keep thinking about these as people say 'marriages are crap anyway after a while so you might as well'...

There's a range of takes on here, but think it's helpful to know it is possible to find a partner attractive not only to start with but long term so don't need to settle on the basis that it's never going to happen anyway -

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4869006-do-you-still-fancy-your-dh-after-a-long-relationship?page=1

And this one might seem a strange choice but it's about that neutral idea you have of living with him - even when you do still fancy your DH long term, they're still going to have these awful aspects, so imagine being saddled with them (and all their domestics) when you never fancied them in the first place -
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4874093-he-makes-noise-constantly?page=1

Anyway, as I say, you'll do what feels right for you, but do listen to your feelings not just some abstract calculation. Your true feelings matter, to both of you.

How about showing him this thread and see if he still wants to marry you after what you have written here?

@foolsgolddigger
Are you certain in this case "dream woman " is not synonymous with "only woman or only woman not to reject him?"

In any case, it does not seem to be a situation in which either of you will be expecting too much of the other. If he turns out to be comfortable with your children and they with him, you would seem to have as much of a chance at a successful marriage as most other people have. Actually, you will be starting out the way many marriages end up - friendship with no grand or lingering passion. He doesn't seem off put by your lack of passion and you have not described him as being passionately in love with you ( even though you are the woman of his dreams).

This could work out well enough , and assuming no damage to your sons, you aren't taking much of an emotional risk.

It all sounds awful. How would he even contribute anything financially if he has to rent for another 6-12 months? Do you expect him to start contributing for you and your children from the get-go?
Living with someone you are madly in love with is not an easy task I can't imagine all the obstacles doing so with someone you don't even fancy romantically! Pretty much lying to the poor guy all along at that. What's in there for him?
And why do you write yourself off the market so easily? What do you mean you are not attractive and invisible to men? Maybe it is best to invest your time in making yourself attractive and interesting and likeable for men and then find a partner you can be with?

Since marriage began it has been a financial alliance. Totally normal to consider this

He has quite a few local women obviously interested in him (it is very obvious from his facebook and comments he gets). But then, his income is probably around 15-20 times the country average, so he's probably very clued up on the motivation behind it.

No, I don't expect him to contribute immediately. Or ever to my children's expenses, I think I made that clear?

Prettifying myself in hope that I get picked by someone sounds equally awful to me, to be honest.

I think marriages for conve ience and companionship used to be much more common and still are in many parts of the world. I don't think that piece should necessarily hold you back, it would be honorable to have one honest conversation with him where you lay out "I am not in love you with you, it's possible love could grow in time" so he could go in with eyes open. My main concern would be that he lives with mama and she manages his money. That might be harder to disentangle than you think.

@7eleven

I think marriages can successfully take many different forms. I know someone who hasn’t had sex with her husband for years. Neither mind and they’re very happy.

Thanks for your patronising post 🙄

The difference here is it's an agreed situation.

They are mutually happy.

OP is not happy. She presumably doesn't want to be having transactional sex minus any physical attraction.

Her putative husband won't be happy - he loves & fancies her & would like that in return, presumably.

I can state categorically that someone who goes into marriage devoid of love or sexual attraction, which is not a shared situation with the other person, is going to be unhappy.

It doesn’t have to be one or the other. We’ve been married 33 years and still fancy my husband. We don’t have sex as often as we did but when we do it’s great. We still miss and cuddle and hold hands. And he is my best friend and chief confidant too.

@foolsgolddigger

He's not stingy in that sense.

That's not at all what I said or meant.

I meant, your odd supposition that it will be financially easier living with him, is not going to hold up.

He spends money easily because he can.

As you note, you can't.

He will not understand your financial costs & is likely to expect you to live a lifestyle like him. When you can't, he'll be confused & likely not happy.

I suspect you'll have all your usual outgoings even if he lived with you.

Purely from the cultural perspective, the expectation would be that he would support the family fully financially, and the women's money are exclusively her own. So the scenario you describe is very unlikely.

Before people pile on, it is absolutely NOT my expectation at all, but it is something both of us were raised with.

To answer your original question: should you marry him for financial security? No because he doesn't actually offer any financial security. I fear in a worst case scenario you'd eventually end up paying for him too.

Well, it is not like I am super proud of the thoughts I have either.

So your advice to OP is: change yourself completely so that you’re attractive to men who are not currently interested in you; and set aside someone who likes you as you are?

In that case, you really are not being fair to him.

OP if you write on here “shall I marry someone for financial security“. You will get a pile on of women telling you you’re a terrible person etc.

If you said, ”I’m no movie star, not had much interest and this guy is really into me. I really like him, we have a lot in common, friendship, interests, values click. The financial security would also be nice.” You would have had a very different reaction.

AIBU is a superficial, knee-jerk, kicky place. It’s all about spin.

If you're not proud of thinking about it, imagine how great you're gonna feel if you actually go through with it.

OP if you write on here “shall I marry someone for financial security“. You will get a pile on of women telling you you’re a terrible person etc.

If you said, ”I’m no movie star, not had much interest and this guy is really into me. I really like him, we have a lot in common, friendship, interests, values click. The financial security would also be nice.” You would have had a very different reaction.

AIBU is a superficial, knee-jerk, looking to give a kicking place. It’s all about spin.

@catsnhats11 Same here and no, I don't get it either. A woman today, even a single mother, does have other options if money is tight. Admittedly I am looking at this from a position of freedom (no kids), but things came to a pretty pass if every single mother in gainful employment started to marry any Tom, Dick, or Harry.

OP- please think carefully about making your situation potentially much worse. This man sounds naive and socially awkward, this will not be as simple as adding another source of income to your household.

How's the sex? You realise you'll have to have it quite a bit? Maybe the love will come. I think a lot of women settle.

Nothing wrong with it. As long you are both clear with each other and respectful of both of your feelings and expectations of the marriage.

Obviously nothing is guaranteed and things dont always work as expected.

Not everyone in life gets that 'crazy in love' feeling but marriages can still work if there is genuine friendship, warmth and respect for each other.

I didn't say to beautify yourself so that someone else picks her up rather than this guy who loves her for who she is. I said invest in your self esteem so you don't say you are unattractive and will end up lonely anyways. Get attractive so YOU can choose who YOU are genuinely attracted to rather than settling.