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Original poster

To wonder whether having kids makes you "better"?

144 replies

Finlesswonder · 17/08/2023 21:23

I don't have kids.

My mum said she was so scatty and forgetful until she had kids and then she couldn't "afford" to be anymore.

I'm wondering whether kids can make you "better" in a sense, for example if you're a panicky or anxious person, did having kids make you be "forced" to relax a little more or get out of your own head, if you were lazy before them did having them force you to be more active, etc? Or is it more usual for it to be the other way around, can having kids "worsen" unhelpful traits?

OP posts:
Idratherbeshiny57 · 17/08/2023 21:40

It did force me to be more active and social, but, I’ve always struggled with organisation in particular and now there are many, many more things to organise. I’m probably better organised than I used to be but more balls drop as more are being juggled.

if you have what I might call skill deficits (like organisation, for me), it was and is quite stressful, I do run on empty a lot. And if you have significant areas of poor function, you may also pass them on (as I did).

NEmama · 17/08/2023 21:43

It forces you to behave a different way. Be less selfish. Care more about their future.

Owjrbvr · 17/08/2023 21:43

I think it’s a mixed bag. It forced me to be more sociable and get out of my comfort zone so made me better in that way but it also has made me more scatty and unorganised than I was before. It’s also made me more anxious and find it harder to just relax

Conkersinautumn · 17/08/2023 21:46

It made me less sociable, I learned to be a lot less trusting and be actually properly self reliant.

Overthebow · 17/08/2023 21:46

It’s definitely made me be less selfish and think about others more.

Anothermam · 17/08/2023 21:50

I was going to say less selfish too before I read the other comments, but I'm still a scatterbrain.

It's not that you're horribly selfish before kids, you just don't need to put anything or anyone before your own needs until you have a baby and that mentality of your needs coming second changes you.

Holidayhouse1010 · 17/08/2023 21:52

It did make me better although I really, really struggled until 1st was about 3.5. I wasn't sure if I wanted children at all but my life before was SO small. I went to work and went home. Now ExH used to like to stay in so we went nowhere, saw noone and did nothing. I never even went grocery shopping. I also had very bad anxiety and depression.

The DC are my world and I live to be with them. Not through them, but with them. I find I have much more confidence, I am not as grumpy with the world and I love life. We go places and do lovely things, we learn together and have so much fun. Its got better again now I'm on my own. Nothing holds us back. We're a wonderful team.

ForestGoblin · 17/08/2023 21:52

Kids would make me angry and panicked and claustrophobic. I think I would become cruel. Childfree life gives me room to stoke my compassion.

HoliHormonalTigerLillyTheSecond · 17/08/2023 21:53

It's made me completely exhausted!

Witchcraftandhokum · 17/08/2023 21:54

It forces you to behave a different way. Be less selfish. Care more about their future.

I'm so fucking sick of this misogynist trope that you're a selfish person if you don't have kids.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 17/08/2023 21:58

No, I don't think so. I don't think looking after your children's needs is really unselfish. If anything, having children makes you 'selfishly' prioritise them over anyone else, which is natural but hardly selfless in a broader social sense. I don't think it made me more organised either. Working ft made me organised, and I stopped that for years when my dc were young!

ImthatBoleyngirl · 17/08/2023 21:59

Personally it made me less selfish, like I would rather spend my time and money on my kids than myself, which I never thought would happen 🤣

With regards to being organised, it made me worse, because I had more people to think about and more things to organise. I am also more tired and have less time to organise life in general.

RandomMess · 17/08/2023 21:59

@Witchcraftandhokum it doesn't mean you are less selfish than someone who doesn't have kids.

It forces each individual parent to be less selfish than they has been previously (and then only if you are decent parent).

It isn't a holier than thou thing, you are literally forced to put someone else's needs before your own 99% of the time. It's not nice or fun it just the harsh reality.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 17/08/2023 22:01

I'm so fucking sick of this misogynist trope that you're a selfish person if you don't have kids.

I agree, much as I love my kids. Having children is in itself a selfish act (assuming you get pregnant on purpose). People do it because they want to, not out of any kind of desire to be altruistic!

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 17/08/2023 22:02

It isn't a holier than thou thing, you are literally forced to put someone else's needs before your own 99% of the time.

It's not really unselfishness if you have no choice but to do it.

Spendonsend · 17/08/2023 22:04

It forced me to be more confident as I didnt want my children missing out. tThey were relying jn me to lead them through things. Whether it was going to a cafe or medical treatment. I couldnt be shy or nervous.

It made me much more self centred as I was pretty crap at putting me first but once I had children, i had no issues fighting their corner. Or putting them before great aunt lucy, or cousin bobs whatever. I am also exhausted so have less time for all the ulturistic volunteering and helping people out that I used to do. Its all around the kids schools and clubs now, so its self interest.

Highdaysandholidays1 · 17/08/2023 22:04

I have never been a very selfless person and that hasn't changed enormously since having children. I've been a carer for my partner as well as children and felt it very difficult in both cases (as well as proud of myself for having a go). As for more patient, relaxed, nicer, absolutely not, I have never screeched so much or felt so darn angry as when the children were little. Much better now. I'd like to say motherhood brought out my better side, but it brought out a different side, more extremes (so kinder sometimes, angrier other times). Marriage was the same for me, I'm more volatile in response to other people than living on my own.

Luckily I didn't have kids as some type of self-improvement, or I'd ask for my money back.

Diddykong · 17/08/2023 22:04

It's made me use my time better at work. I used to procrastinate and then have to catch up all weekend but now that's not an option so I'm more productive.

I also watch less TV, eat more healthily because I have to model good diet. I probably swear more (under my breath)

WandaWonder · 17/08/2023 22:06

No idea I am just me with a child, all my good and bad bits all rolled into one

I have no idea if the op thinks this but there seems to be a lot of thought going into people choosing not to have kids, saying they are happy about it but a lot of posts about being child free and how wonderful it is, do they need to convince themselves?

So in a way having a child makes me think wider about things

Highdaysandholidays1 · 17/08/2023 22:06

I agree, I'm way more productive in a shorter time-span now, can get much more done in a short amount of time, all that juggling did have a good career effect to that extent (it's paying off now the kids are teens and I have time to use that laser focus).

TheChosenTwo · 17/08/2023 22:06

It forced me to sort my life out and grow up! Dc1 was a total surprise and I was very pregnant by the time I found out. I grew up quickly and am really grateful that it all happened really.
Now I have 3dc and I’m mainly wracked with worry 😂😂😂
I was never a bad person but I had different priorities and having kids brought out the best in me when I needed a focus.

donkra · 17/08/2023 22:08

I work FT, study and have two DC.

I have learned how to get shit done.

RandomMess · 17/08/2023 22:09

@AllProperTeaIsTheft well not all of it is forced for most people.

I will happily share stuff with my DC and spend money on them that I wouldn't do with anyone else.

Singleandproud · 17/08/2023 22:10

I think the biggest change happened for me when my DD got her ASD diagnosis, my (outward) levels of patience and general zen level are something else now, I have to be calm because she needs me to be.

Thewallsof · 17/08/2023 22:11

In my opinion a lot of parents might put the kids and immediate family first and be giving or organised for them or whatever. But honestly I think it makes you more selfish or less considerate to everyone else. I'm sure this isn't a popular opinion and many will say that's absolutely not the case for them...

I also think in many cases where parents need to be mega on it will all the child admin and organisation it means they have less headspace and time for the other areas which require this organisation.