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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder whether having kids makes you "better"?

144 replies

Finlesswonder · 17/08/2023 21:23

I don't have kids.

My mum said she was so scatty and forgetful until she had kids and then she couldn't "afford" to be anymore.

I'm wondering whether kids can make you "better" in a sense, for example if you're a panicky or anxious person, did having kids make you be "forced" to relax a little more or get out of your own head, if you were lazy before them did having them force you to be more active, etc? Or is it more usual for it to be the other way around, can having kids "worsen" unhelpful traits?

OP posts:
FourTeaFallOut · 18/08/2023 10:07

That was kind of my point, those bold claims would fit better if ai'd said vegan rather than yoga. But, regardless, I don't think the op set out with intention others are accusing her of.

Ifeelsuchflutterings · 18/08/2023 10:09

FourTeaFallOut · 18/08/2023 10:02

Well, yes. But the point is we might raise an eye brow when people make claims for all sorts of things they consider a beneficial fork in the road of their lives, but we don't feel the need to attribute it to some dark and suspicious misdirection.

The op has found it beneficial and wonders if others have too. I think that is a reasonable thing to ask without being accused of casting stones at women without children.

People were casting stones at women without children as per my post to you

If people had merely been talking about the transformative journey of being a parent then you would have a point

But several posters decided to turn it into an insulting comparison with childfree women

It's not a baseless accusation it's a discussion of a thing that's literally happened on this thread

Weirdly you also don't seem to have read the (non parent) OP correctly either so I'm not sure you are certain of what the thread is about. I'm mean the first line is "I don't have kids" so I'm pretty sure the OP hasn't found having kids beneficial

Ifeelsuchflutterings · 18/08/2023 10:09

FourTeaFallOut · 18/08/2023 10:07

That was kind of my point, those bold claims would fit better if ai'd said vegan rather than yoga. But, regardless, I don't think the op set out with intention others are accusing her of.

No one is accusing the OP of anything

KimberleyClark · 18/08/2023 10:12

Being a parent may be transformative. Saying that you don't put anyone else's needs first, you are self absorbed and you have to convince yourself that you are happy without children isnt quite the same thing though is it.

No it isn’t.

TinkerbellefromYorkshire · 18/08/2023 10:17

The big thing it made me was to be more confident and l mean a hell of a lot more.
More positive and self assured.

Patchesofdrizzle · 18/08/2023 10:17

Having a child has made me more empathetic which has made me a better person.

PhantomAngel · 18/08/2023 10:40

Witchcraftandhokum · 17/08/2023 21:54

It forces you to behave a different way. Be less selfish. Care more about their future.

I'm so fucking sick of this misogynist trope that you're a selfish person if you don't have kids.

I always roll my eyes when people say having children made them less selfish.

They’re only less selfish with their kids that they produced which of course they HAVE to be. They brought them into the world so the children’s wants & needs should be prioritised above theirs. They may possibly be less selfish with other family members but saying you’re less selfish in general and towards other people is bollocks.

MrsCoconut · 18/08/2023 10:40

Having kids definitely made me more organised, because I had to be.
I’ve also gained a different kind of confidence, I trust my instincts and I have no problem advocating for myself & my kids.

On one hand, having kids has made me much less concerned with how I look/come across to others & on the other hand, I take better care of my health, I eat better & exercise, as I want to be as healthy as possible for my kids.

I also notice mums/dads with kids more and feel a kind of camaraderie towards them.

TammyJones · 18/08/2023 10:43

I thought it might......
But the Truth is - 'you'll only change when you want to.
Through hard work.
Kids don't fix you (or hold your marriage together)

Finefinefine · 18/08/2023 10:48

PurpleWhirple · 17/08/2023 22:30

Me too. I have four childless female friends and as they've got older all have become really quite self absorbed (we are 45-50). That's not a luxury available to me. I don't think it makes me a better person, just a different one.

Show quote history

I feel the exact opposite. I’m childfree and in my 40s and spend meet ups with friends hearing them drone on about their kids.

JudgeAnderson · 18/08/2023 11:17

Me too. I have four childless female friends and as they've got older all have become really quite self absorbed (we are 45-50). That's not a luxury available to me. I don't think it makes me a better person, just a different one.

You clearly do think you're a better person as "self absorbed" doesn't tend to be a compliment.
And you chose not to have that luxury.

FourTeaFallOut · 18/08/2023 11:22

Weirdly you also don't seem to have read the (non parent) OP correctly either so I'm not sure you are certain of what the thread is about. I'm mean the first line is "I don't have kids" so I'm pretty sure the OP hasn't found having kids beneficial

😬 posting while on hold and mangled several poster's posts together on the way.

SallyWD · 18/08/2023 11:25

When I had kids I became more organised, more focussed and less lazy. On the other hand I probably became less youthful and a little more boring. But generally it's had a very positive effect on me.

Isthatarealname · 18/08/2023 11:30

Well it has made me massively more anxious, to the point I have had to be medicated. I'd say if anything I am less organised and selfish in a different way to be honest.

I am more of a feminist since having a daughter so I guess that's a positive.

middleager · 18/08/2023 11:36

It made me more anxious, less sociable and more reliant on others. I'd say I was better before kids, more carefree, sociable and independent. Neither having kids or reaching 50 has made me wiser, a grown up or 'better'.

Witchcraftandhokum · 18/08/2023 13:50

I'm so fucking sick of this misogynist trope that you're a selfish person if you don't have kids.'

I'm sick of the misuse of the words:
a) misogynist (I agree that this is a poor idea, but what is specifically women-hating about it?)
b) trope (it doesn't mean idea, it means figurative language).

It's absolutely misogynist, it's used to.make women feel.bad about not making the "accepted" choice for thier bodies, and there are 2 definitions of 'trope', the other is a reoccurring or significant theme. I think this thread proves it's pretty reoccurring.

Sometimeswinning · 18/08/2023 22:17

Witchcraftandhokum · 18/08/2023 13:50

I'm so fucking sick of this misogynist trope that you're a selfish person if you don't have kids.'

I'm sick of the misuse of the words:
a) misogynist (I agree that this is a poor idea, but what is specifically women-hating about it?)
b) trope (it doesn't mean idea, it means figurative language).

It's absolutely misogynist, it's used to.make women feel.bad about not making the "accepted" choice for thier bodies, and there are 2 definitions of 'trope', the other is a reoccurring or significant theme. I think this thread proves it's pretty reoccurring.

Read the op. She is looking to fix herself and is hoping having a child will do the job. This is not about women not confirming. It's about another person wrongly believing having a baby will make everything OK. It won't.

But it's also absolutely nothing to do with misogyny. Some posters have picked up that it is, but it isn't.

JethroTullandhishorse · 18/08/2023 22:26

Whoever upthread said that they’re sick of this misogynistic bollocks, and whoever else said they think it makes people less self-centred but more selfish in the broader social scope - you are absolutely right.

Neither do I agree that those without children are any ‘better’.

Just don’t be a cunt. Don’t make comparisons with others.

Mememe1234 · 20/08/2023 23:13

It’s made me focus less on my own needs and more on my kids.
I’ve also become more career focused as want to be a good example for my kids as I always wanted mum to be more financially independent.
i used to be obsessed with my looks and these days I don’t care as much. I used to feel judged on the way I look but these days all my mum friends aren’t super skinny like I used to be so feel like I fit in and not chasing an allusive weight/dress size.
I also have less time to worry about minor stuff as got so much to do.
in addition, I’m a lot more into making sure my home is in order and I’m very organised but I’ve always been organised and with two kids you have to be really structured to be productive and get things done. I have to be really ruthless with my time.

Abbyant · 20/08/2023 23:17

Having children certainly light a fire under my butt, I was happy to lay in bed all day and do nothing now I can’t I’ve got two little people that need me to do everything for them but I wouldn’t change anything, it also made me reevaluate what I wanted to do with my life and I realised I wanted to get my nursing degree something I likely wouldn’t have done if I’ve not had children.

BabyTa · 20/08/2023 23:17

No made me much more anxious 😂

Mumto6ac · 21/08/2023 06:32

Having kids didn’t make me less scatty or more organised until they went to school really, then you have to organise yourself to an extent especially if you work as well.
I do think it made me a better person as I would always put their needs before my own. You should only have kids if you want to though, not because you think they’ll change the way you are. I don’t think it makes you less anxious, just the focus of your anxiety changes, at times it’s exhausting, the hardest work you’ve ever done & you have to watch your heart walking round outside your body but it’s worth every minute of heartache you endure watching them go through the ups & downs of life! X

GP78 · 21/08/2023 07:36

Having kids has made me a worse person tbh. I've so much to do I'm actually less organised and scatty with much less time for people than I used to have. I'm more selfish and inconsiderate now than I ever was when childless, there's just no time 🤷‍♀️

Purplehearts9066 · 21/08/2023 07:37

Mixture of both - my greatest strengths as a person are my greatest strengths as parent. But this also applies to my weaknesses.

I'm disorganised, unsocial, hate noise & am easily overwhelmed by day to day obligations. As you can imagine this has caused me huge problems in a parenting role where such qualities make it very hard to fulfil the job description.

Most of these traits became harder to cope and didn't improve at all.

But one thing I'll say I have become much better at is being less reactive & more emotionally mature. I have learnt how to let go of things I can't control more easily. Amd I can stay very calm when faced with big emotions from others

Goldbar · 21/08/2023 08:18

donkra · 17/08/2023 22:08

I work FT, study and have two DC.

I have learned how to get shit done.

This. I'm not a better person at all, but I have less headspace for many of the worries that I had before.

It's also more important to me to be organised because the consequences of not being so are so much worse - disappointing your child, being turned away from nursery because you forgot the bag and being late for work.

I have less patience for other people. If people come to the door to try to sell stuff (or who I don't want to talk to), I will just shut the door in their faces now.

And I could honestly murder my DH when he stands there waiting for the kettle to boil. There are literally a hundred things he could be doing around the kitchen with that 2 minutes and instead he watches the fucking kettle boil! I honestly cannot tell you how cross this makes me.

Maybe I'm a worse person not better.