To wonder whether having kids makes you "better"?

[Finlesswonder]

I don't have kids.

My mum said she was so scatty and forgetful until she had kids and then she couldn't "afford" to be anymore.

I'm wondering whether kids can make you "better" in a sense, for example if you're a panicky or anxious person, did having kids make you be "forced" to relax a little more or get out of your own head, if you were lazy before them did having them force you to be more active, etc? Or is it more usual for it to be the other way around, can having kids "worsen" unhelpful traits?

How is it misogynist? A male friend of mine said exactly that about his own experience, that having his son made him shift his focus from himself to someone else.

Due in January no I’m kinda hoping this is the case as I’m always so disorganised and don’t plan things. But with a baby and something relying on me I’m hoping I’ll sort myself out.

I've always had a tendency to be anxious - having kids has made me worse. Their Dad can be lazy, I'd say it's not made him less lazy but forced him to do stuff when he likely wouldn't have done before, but the lazy traits are still there. I struggle to be organised and now I have to be, but I still struggle! I think all the same negative traits remain but I guess you get on with stuff more. X

Is anyone else bored with the posters who could start fights in empty houses? I know I am. There's nothing edgy about constantly derailing and narking. 🙄

Being a parent made me more anxious. I was relatively chill and pragmatic before. Otoh it made me more adventurous with activities. I'd never been on a zip slide till I had DC 😄

Made me worse lol. Still lazy, but just even more anxious now, and finding it hard to deal with the loss of freedom. Although at least now I’m worrying less about trivial things, I guess, because I’m only worrying about him.

It’s helped with getting me up early in the morning I guess.

It makes some people better I'm sure but only if they already had that potential. Shit people make shit parents I find.

It’s made me more social definitely, it’s helped with anxiety because I don’t have an option not to do stuff. It’s also made me more confident and direct. But I’m also very tired, often short tempered my health has definitely suffered (not much time for self care but am trying to fix that).

I think it’s helped me overcome some stuff but brought up other issues as well.

It defo changes people. Have completely different perspective on things since having children. So getting in a tizz about stuff at work just isn’t a thing anymore - I just crack on with it- it really doesn’t matter- whereas before that was super important. So am glad about that.

I also have less time for superficial things/ people/ friendships that I would have given time of day to before.

But generally I am more anxious and stressed as there are more balls to juggle. Which obviously impacts everyday life.

I'm quite sure it changes people. Probably in ways people might have not been able to predict, as some PP have said.

I do roll my eyes a bit at the idea that it makes people less selfish though. You wanted a baby, you had a baby, and now you get up in the night to feed and change them etc. As a PP said that's part of the process of fulfilling your own wants. It's not exactly giving away all your worldly possessions and devoting your life to charity.

And I get there's more to it than that eg you might live in an area you don't love but it has a good school so in that sense you are putting their needs ahead of yours but still. It's more expanding your field of self to include your offspring than being actually selfless.

Proven by the 78 threads per week on here about badly behaved kids ruining stuff for other people, enabled by feeble / non existent parenting

My anxiety is so much worse. I now have the added anxiety of worrying about another human for the rest of life.
mum guilt is hard.
the only thing that I’d say has gotten “better” is me being on top of house work. But that could just be because I’m on maternity leave.
Ive definitely changed. I can’t imagine not changing after having a baby.

I think having kids makes you more anxious, not less.

what did happen is I started prioritising my health as I couldn’t parent well when I felt terrible. So I don’t drink, eat really carefully, haven’t put on much weight over a decade. I’m also a lot more emotional which is a double edged sword.

Made me way less anxious. Why would I care about what people think of me, when I have lovely children and husband etc was my thought process, everything else became so irrelevant. Also if you're a bit of a directionless person, it really focuses you and gives purpose which is of course great for mental health.
I know of others who often felt a bit awkward in certain social situations but not so much after having kids.

Having my son made me a much better person. My mum still says how I was a right cow but then had my son and turned in to a joy 🤣 it's true, I agree with her.

This is fascinating. Why do you think it happened? Purely physiological or was it related to a mindset shift?

It's made me more able to speak out.

A dog in a playground jumped up at my toddler, made him cry and drop his ice cream and to my surprise I full on yelled at its owner to get it under control. And when she blamed it on the gate to the playground being open and rewarded her dog with a treat, I yelled at her again.

I would never have stuck up for myself like that before kids.

It's also made me more efficient at work - I used to faff about and then stay later to finish up because it didn't really matter to me if I left at 5 or 7. Now, I need to leave to pick my kids up.

Better:
Less self centred
More organised
More tolerant

Worse:
Fatter
Poorer health
More tired
More neurotic and anxious

It's all swings and roundabouts.

It's made me less selfish in the most basic sense of the word. Before my DD was born I was the most important person in my life. Now my DD is the most important person in my life.

However, it's not just that my importance has diminished on a relative basis compared to my child. I care less about myself in an absolute sense than I used to, as well. For example, imagine it's a very hot day and we were to get stranded somewhere. Pre-kids, I would be upset to be hot and thirsty and struggling to get home. Post-kids, I would be so absorbed in making sure my DD has enough water and isn't too hot than I wouldn't think much about my own physical well-being so even if I was hot as thirsty it wouldn't bother me as much.

I am pretty sure most mothers feel the same as I do.

In another way, though, I am more selfish: I will never risk my life for a stranger. Not saying I would have been brave enough to do that before kids, but now it's totally out of the question. I am much more risk averse.

I agree it makes you less selfish in the sense that I'm less focused on myself. However, it also makes me less focused on other people. Your priority is your child, your time and energy goes on your child so your friends might feel you have less time for them. You have less time for others. I'm sure some of my (more needy) friends think I don't give them the same level of attention as before.