To wonder whether having kids makes you "better"?

[Finlesswonder]

I don't have kids.

My mum said she was so scatty and forgetful until she had kids and then she couldn't "afford" to be anymore.

I'm wondering whether kids can make you "better" in a sense, for example if you're a panicky or anxious person, did having kids make you be "forced" to relax a little more or get out of your own head, if you were lazy before them did having them force you to be more active, etc? Or is it more usual for it to be the other way around, can having kids "worsen" unhelpful traits?

(I Ike children and mums btw, but voted yabu for the reasons above)

There's no one answer to that question.

I work in a role where I meet lots of families. Children can have an amazing positive impact on an adults life but for others it can tip them over the edge.

So many variables and depends on the internal and external resources available, e.g. mental health, a loving partner, the number of children, wider family support, finances, career etc.

For me I'm fortunate that I did make a conscious decision to have one. I was ready emotionally, physically, financially and so far it's worked out well and we're happy. I don't think my dc has made me a better person or less selfish. They have added to my life and I grew more love.

@fitzwilliamdarcy
That's not what this thread is about

But it is the direction its gone in, and the fun thing about Internet forums is sometimes they can divert from the original topic

I know - I’m sorry that it’s been diverted.

Na I don't think it changes you. If your a selfless person you'll remain a selfless person, if you're a selfish person you remain a selfish person. If you have a tendency to being forgetful, you'll more than likely become even more forgetful because not only do you have more to remember but you'll get constant interruptions. If you already struggle to do things on time, or get out the door on time, that's likely to get even harder...coz you can guarantee that toothlessly smiling gurgling little cuddle buddy, with fill a nappy just as you step out the door, or if a toddler they'll decide they'd rather do something else and have a tantrum which the whole neighbourhood can hear!
Na on reflection being a parent not only makes you public enemy No 1 and everyone will judge you whatever your parenting style, but also complicates life in unimaginable ways!

I think it just depends on the person.

Having a child did change me for the better. I was young and quite self destructive. When I found out I was pregnant I stopped drink and drugs, and left my abusive partner. I don't think I would have if I hadn't got pregnant.

Having somebody else relying on me to take care of them was a big wake up call.

Two of the most selfish, self-absorbed people I’ve ever met were the mothers of four children each.

If you were an arsehole before you had a baby, you’ll be an arsehole afterwards. The normal biological imperative to make something that comes from you live is not remotely unselfish.

I have children.

After signing the consent forms for my baby's leg amputation - alone as a 21 year old single mother - I realised in that moment that motherhood gave me a strength and resilience that I didn't even know I had.

No, I think you’re right and I was thinking this as I read the first few posts. I think having children has made me less selfish in the sense that my own needs take a back seat, but much more selfish in a broader sense. For example, before having kids I volunteered and donated to charity which I can’t do now because I don’t have the money or time. And I’m less generous with gifts to friends and family because I’ve got less money and the money I do have I’d rather use for the children.

Not better than other people, but a better version of myself, yes. The biggest way is that I'm caring more about my health and taking control of my eating habits, as I both want to be around to see more of my son's life and don't want to embarrass him.

I plan for the future more, and temper my every day behaviour based on those plans. We budget more carefully and protect our savings more from casual spending. I get out the house more and talk to a broader range of people, and I'm getting to know a lot more people in our village. I'm also vastly more organised both in terms of completing tasks but also balancing mental load.

I'm definitely not perfect, but I'm better than I was and for me personally that motivation wasn't coming from anywhere until I had my son.

Anyone with half a brain would see that MN has long since moved on from being “just” a parenting site. There’s a lot of content here that’s not remotely related to children or parenting, and there’s even a Childfree Mumsnetters board.

If you have certain traits then having children just forces you to bury them a little but they are still there. Many of my traits are returning now mine are pretty much grown because I don't have to be so focused on the needs of others as I have been for the past 25years.

Ha! No.

Evidence: my mother.

I really like being a parent, it's one of life's big adventures that brings me an enormous amount of satisfaction. I'm not sure it has whittled me into a better person - beyond honing skills around caring and organising.

Although, that doesn't mean that I don't Believe it can be transformative. I mean, it would have been uncontroversial if the op had said she had taken up yoga/meditation/ journaling/ travelling and it had given her a space to become a better person. But the idea that motherhood could have done that is met with a wave of distain and accusations of internalized misogyny. MN is weird.

No. I'm so exhausted, nearly all of the time and that's impacted everything.

The only thing I can think of is that I'm more patient but as I was very impatient before that's not saying much!

I've lost my sleeping powers, I worry more, feel anxious etc. I've had some really harsh things happen in the last 13 years and now I just feel afraid for my kids.

And I'm definitely not more organised either! 😑

The thing about parenting is that you only get one chance to get it right, and it’s a person’s actual childhood you’re responsible for, so the pressure to get it right feels enormous. That pressure has made me more responsible and efficient at getting things done, but it has also made me more anxious and neurotic (not helped by a decade of sleep deprivation). I wouldn’t say I’m better, I’m just different.

@WibblyWobblyTimeyWimeyStuff Sorry I genuinely don’t get what you meant by your comment. Oh the irony 🤣

It's not that you're horribly selfish before yoga, you just don't need to put anything or anyone before your own needs until you do yoga

I have no idea if the op thinks this but there seems to be a lot of thought going into people choosing not to do yoga and running instead, saying they are happy about it but a lot of posts about being a runner and how wonderful it is, do they need to convince themselves

I have four female friends who dont do yoga and as they've got older all have become really quite self absorbed (we are 45-50)

Being a parent may be transformative. Saying that you don't put anyone else's needs first, you are self absorbed and you have to convince yourself that you are happy without children isnt quite the same thing though is it.

It has made me more organised, but also, less reactive. This is a personal failing, but I used to be the kind of person who would throw everything up in the air and move on if it wasn't perfect at work for example. I can't do that now.

But some of it is just growing up, and timing that coincides with natural life changes.

I mean, people who do yoga can be pretty evangelical...maybe if I'd have said vegan it would read better?

I wouldn't really describe vegans as un-evangelical either tbf 😂

I'm certainly much more resilient than I was before kids. They've pushed me to the limits of what I thought I could survive and I came out a stronger version of myself.

Well, yes. But the point is we might raise an eye brow when people make claims for all sorts of things they consider a beneficial fork in the road of their lives, but we don't feel the need to attribute it to some dark and suspicious misdirection.

The op has found it beneficial and wonders if others have too. I think that is a reasonable thing to ask without being accused of casting stones at women without children.

🤣🤣🤣🤣 have you met some vegans?