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Original poster

To wonder whether having kids makes you "better"?

144 replies

Finlesswonder · 17/08/2023 21:23

I don't have kids.

My mum said she was so scatty and forgetful until she had kids and then she couldn't "afford" to be anymore.

I'm wondering whether kids can make you "better" in a sense, for example if you're a panicky or anxious person, did having kids make you be "forced" to relax a little more or get out of your own head, if you were lazy before them did having them force you to be more active, etc? Or is it more usual for it to be the other way around, can having kids "worsen" unhelpful traits?

OP posts:
Usedtobecool · 17/08/2023 22:14

I think any new experience and anything that forces you out of your comfort zone will give you an opportunity to grow and develop. I don't know if "better" is the right word but I would say having children has changed me, and it's mostly positive. There are some things I think I do better now thanks to skills ive been forced to develop. There are some anxieties etc. that would have held me back in the past that I've managed to shrug off (mainly because I no longer have the time and energy to get bogged down in them!)

Amethys · 17/08/2023 22:18

What has changed for me…

I no longer swear.

I make friends based on their sense of humour and parenting style, instead of just befriending people with the same education/background/finances/job as me.

I almost never drink alcohol.

What makes me happy is when my children are happy. The things that get me excited are things for them. We can argue about whether that is called unselfish or selfish - Mumsnet can argue about anything lol - but it’s a definite change for me that I’d rather hang around on the sidelines watching DC be thrilled about a theme park / farm than I would get a massage at a posh spa.

I love organising kids’ parties and going to soft play etc.

Up to you whether you think that makes me better or worse than the woman I used to be who swore constantly, drank lots, and rarely needed to think about anyone else. (In her defence she was a lot hotter than me 👀)

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 17/08/2023 22:19

I will happily share stuff with my DC and spend money on them that I wouldn't do with anyone else.

That's what I mean. We do these things for our dc because we are, in a sense, programmed to and we love them. I'm not sure that's unselfish, compared with helping others who we don't benefit by helping. I suspect in some ways we have less inclination to help others once we have our own children to worry about!

OneAtATime · 17/08/2023 22:19

It’s a major life event (one of many - moving country/the death of a loved one/major career change/start or end of a romantic relationship) that shapes you over time.

Original poster
Finlesswonder · 17/08/2023 22:21

I worry about my panicky edge. I have suffered with panic attacks and quite high level anxiety (at one point I needed sedatives). Part of me would like kids but I worry that they would send this side of me through the roof. On the other hand I wonder whether having less time to be hyper alert and mull over things and the need to focus on someone else's needs could actually have a calming effect

OP posts:
Give0fecks · 17/08/2023 22:21

Having children has made me less intelligent. (just personally, im not saying all mums are stupider than child free). I used to have a high flying career, loved to talk about politics and philosophy etc and kept up with current affairs. Now it’s like my brain just doesn’t work and I do stupid things like put batteries in upside down. Mine are both still tiny tho so hopefully this will get better.

Gmama23 · 17/08/2023 22:25

I think it probably varies for everyone.
I've always been quite an anxious, shy person and struggled to make friends outside of the small circle I've had for years. I was also really easily irritable and wound up by small, unimportant things. Which was probably partially to do with work being stressful.

When I got pregnant I did worry how the above would affect me and bubba but since having her it's pushed me the other way. I go out much more, I've made some lovely friends. I eat better and I'm much more patient than I used to be.

I was never really interested in kids before I had her so never really knew how to interact with them but it's given me a whole new love for them.
I also have a much better relationship with my family. Not sure if its some mad hormone rush or I'm just happier but I definitely love everyone more than I used to.

Gmama23 · 17/08/2023 22:27

Just to add it probably also depends on how 'easy' your child is. If they're a screamer, non sleeper, additional needs etc then that's likely to have a huge impact

PurpleWhirple · 17/08/2023 22:30

Overthebow · 17/08/2023 21:46

It’s definitely made me be less selfish and think about others more.

Me too. I have four childless female friends and as they've got older all have become really quite self absorbed (we are 45-50). That's not a luxury available to me. I don't think it makes me a better person, just a different one.

Mariposista · 17/08/2023 22:33

Witchcraftandhokum · 17/08/2023 21:54

It forces you to behave a different way. Be less selfish. Care more about their future.

I'm so fucking sick of this misogynist trope that you're a selfish person if you don't have kids.

@Witchcraftandhokum agree. If anything it makes some (not all) MORE self centred. Putting THEMselves, THEIR routine, THEIR child’s whims before anything else.
Haha not the case in our house - we care and love but don’t pander.

donkra · 17/08/2023 22:34

Finlesswonder · 17/08/2023 22:21

I worry about my panicky edge. I have suffered with panic attacks and quite high level anxiety (at one point I needed sedatives). Part of me would like kids but I worry that they would send this side of me through the roof. On the other hand I wonder whether having less time to be hyper alert and mull over things and the need to focus on someone else's needs could actually have a calming effect

Honestly, it can go either way. Some people benefit from being taken out of their own heads, and some people's anxiety ratchets significantly once they have babies to worry about.

PimpMyFridge · 17/08/2023 22:39

Agree with @donkra
Could go either way.
Also, I have two wonderfully selfless thoughtful supportive child-free friends, and one who still behaves like a twenty year old who never wrote grew up... and some fellow parents who are so self obsessed it's ridiculous... So that can go either way too.
Your nature filtered through your experience produces a unique result... It's always a gamble having kids!

DameCurlyBassey · 17/08/2023 22:40

PurpleWhirple · 17/08/2023 22:30

Me too. I have four childless female friends and as they've got older all have become really quite self absorbed (we are 45-50). That's not a luxury available to me. I don't think it makes me a better person, just a different one.

Show quote history

My observation is that people with children think they are more caring but actually they only care about their own kids. I was so disappointed when I discovered this as I was looking forward to experiencing this with family and friends (I have no children) but it never came to pass.

There was a thread recently where op said that she would feel absolutely nothing if she didn’t see her dsc ever again if she split with DH. A lot of posters agreed and one even said that they would have more feelings for the dog than DSC.

So no parenting does not make people more loving and caring.

littleboymama · 17/08/2023 22:41

I watch my DS change and grow daily but I I would say that having him also makes me change and grow daily. You can’t always do the things you want to do, sometimes I can’t even get basic things done because you’ve got a little person to think about! I definitely have more of a routine. My little one comes first all the time. I don’t like when people say you are less selfish when you have a child, but I would say obviously you love them and put their needs first so you can’t do what you want if that makes sense.

I had a lot of anxiety my whole life, especially during my pregnancy but since DS is here I am stronger because I’m doing my best for him and do not want him to see me anxious if I can help it!

I don’t think you’re a better person for having children than someone who doesn’t have children though.

WandaWonder · 17/08/2023 22:41

Finlesswonder · 17/08/2023 22:21

I worry about my panicky edge. I have suffered with panic attacks and quite high level anxiety (at one point I needed sedatives). Part of me would like kids but I worry that they would send this side of me through the roof. On the other hand I wonder whether having less time to be hyper alert and mull over things and the need to focus on someone else's needs could actually have a calming effect

It would not be fair on children unless you addressed all this before you had any if you chose too

Ilovenicnacs · 17/08/2023 22:42

The selfishness balances out for me. I'm less selfish in that I put my baby's needs above my own. But I'm now a shit friend because my time and energy is focused on my family now.

My anxiety has pretty much gone though as I just don't have the time to think about all my worries anymore so I'm off medication. It can easily go the other way for people though.

Startrekkeruniverse · 17/08/2023 22:43

Witchcraftandhokum · 17/08/2023 21:54

It forces you to behave a different way. Be less selfish. Care more about their future.

I'm so fucking sick of this misogynist trope that you're a selfish person if you don't have kids.

I agree it’s absolute rubbish. Some of the most c**y, selfish people I know are also parents.

Coyoacan · 17/08/2023 22:45

Some people are changed for the better, but unfortunately there are some people who should never have had children. If they hadn't had children the might not have been so bad as they turned out to be.

PurpleChrayne · 17/08/2023 22:48

Having children cured me of my social anxiety in one fell swoop. It was quite incredible.

JudgeAnderson · 17/08/2023 22:50

The selfishness balances out for me. I'm less selfish in that I put my baby's needs above my own. But I'm now a shit friend because my time and energy is focused on my family now.

I don' think that is less selfish as such, you've just extended your priority to include your genetic legacy.

TeaMeBasil · 17/08/2023 23:01

Yes, please stop the 'less selfish' bollocks, you're not less selfish. You wanted kids, you had kids and now you're bringing them up and that happens to mean you do a hell of a lot for them.

Not knocking the time, energy and effort that takes.... but it's not because you've become selfless, it's because you are fulfilling your wants & choices....

fivetriangulartrees · 17/08/2023 23:06

ForestGoblin · 17/08/2023 21:52

Kids would make me angry and panicked and claustrophobic. I think I would become cruel. Childfree life gives me room to stoke my compassion.

Kids have made me angry and panicked and claustrophobic. I think I've become pretty horrible, hopefully not actively cruel. I might not have understood what parents were dealing with before I was one, but I was broadly more compassionate before. I love my kids and I want to be better, but I'm definitely a worse person than I was before.

ForestGoblin · 17/08/2023 23:08

fivetriangulartrees · 17/08/2023 23:06

Kids have made me angry and panicked and claustrophobic. I think I've become pretty horrible, hopefully not actively cruel. I might not have understood what parents were dealing with before I was one, but I was broadly more compassionate before. I love my kids and I want to be better, but I'm definitely a worse person than I was before.

Show quote history

I think it's a traumatic and overwhelming experience so don't beat yourself up about it.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 17/08/2023 23:10

No, I don’t think having children can cure you of anything you perceive needs to be cured in your personality.

It did make me do some basic cleaning and tidying which I’ve never been mad keen on, but no doubt I could have done it before. It can give you motivation I guess.

SleepingStandingUp · 17/08/2023 23:12

Witchcraftandhokum · 17/08/2023 21:54

It forces you to behave a different way. Be less selfish. Care more about their future.

I'm so fucking sick of this misogynist trope that you're a selfish person if you don't have kids.

Agree.
And care more about their future? So the only people interested in climate change, war and other threads to survival are parents?