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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sorry, ANOTHER babies at weddings thread, but I would like your views on this - AIBU?

506 replies

champagnesupernova · 28/02/2008 22:41

I have a q good friend (ex-colleague, she was my boss but we've kept in touch) who's a good deal older than me, been big on career and so never got round to having kids.

Having been with her man for over ten years he finally gets round to popping the question and setting the date.

She tells me this the day I've arranged to meet her to tell her I'm pg with number 1. Big all round

Turns out the date of the wedding is 3-4 weeks after my baby's due.

As I said we're q good friends, so imagine my delight when a save the date card comes.

And then the invitation arrives addressed to Mr and Mrs Supernova (no mention of the bump, but it's not born yet)

I reply very early and in the reply card I put "Mr and Mrs Supernova and infant" and add a note saying I know planning a wedding is v complicated, just want to say that as it's so early and I"m planning on b/fing I'll have the baby with me, but I've heard they sleep for ages so hopefully it won't be a problem Wanted to check you're okay with this.

Met up with her today and said are you okay with this.

She's not and basically doesn't want us to come as she's worried about saying no to other people with babies and not us and annoying the other guests (most of whose kids will be grownup)

I am really really really by this.

She invited us. Knowing we were going to have a brand new baby. She could have just not invited us and said they were having probs with numbers and I wouldn't have been any the wiser. Now I feel that I've misread the invitation and that I've been UNINVITED.

AIBU?

OP posts:
tootiredtothink · 29/02/2008 18:37

what i would like to know now is if champagnesupernova has had a change of heart after hearing all these opionions? Have you? And do you really feel its worth losing a friendship over? xx

liahgen · 29/02/2008 18:43

haven't read whole thread but just wanted to say.

Dh's good friend who is godfather to our son, (although a crap one!!, whole new thread) decides to get married.

Aks us if it would be possible for then 2 yr old said godson to be page boy

Is not ok to bring our other children, who are 10, 8 yrs

also not ok to bring, 3 wk old as then unborn bf baby either

told them no thanks, didn't go. My dh was asked to be an usher and i was furious with him for going, as i had to sat at home with newborn baby. Have never felt the same towards them after that.

Emprexia · 29/02/2008 18:54

No-ones saying its selfish to ask... we're saying its bad manners to assume its ok to take them just because the baby is new.

If you ask and they say no, you have to accept that, and its not worth ditching a friend over it.

tootiredtothink · 29/02/2008 18:55

Now that is an interesting one! Of course you were right not to go - can't invite one of your children just so their wedding has the cute factor but not have others there as guests!! Any why oh why do our DH's not see this and stand by us???? (another thread needed i feel????)

tortoiseSHELL · 29/02/2008 18:57

Read the OP. She asked and the bride said no. She asked if she was unreasonable to be a bit miffed.

It was simply pointed out that a wedding ceremony is a PUBLIC event and a bride cannot dictate who is allowed to go.

So imo the couple are being unreasonable in not allowing a newborn child.

tootiredtothink · 29/02/2008 19:08

I did read the op - been following it from the start thanks. I was simply responding to liahgen post. Obviously i am new to all this (only been member for few days) and i do think its a fab way of getting opinions. Although why everyone has to start bashing one another is beyond me? Having started the thread though i would now be interested to know if champagnesupernova's opinion has changed? Or is that not done here either? xxx

tortoiseSHELL · 29/02/2008 19:09

That wasn't aimed at you tootiredtothink - was to kaishay!

madamez · 29/02/2008 19:13

Tortoiseshell, has it occurred to you that a possible reason for someone wanting a child-free wedding is that either the B&G or someone close to them is infertile or has recently lost a child and therefore doesn't want to see any babies for the moment? If you can't abide by the terms the hosts of an event have set out, then you SHOULDN@T GO.

tootiredtothink · 29/02/2008 19:13

So so sorry tortoiseshell - i am obviously becoming one of the 'bashers'!!!! Think i need to go lie down!!!xx

Emprexia · 29/02/2008 19:15

"a bride cannot dictate who is allowed to go"

Oh.. really?

So its not gonna matter if me, my whole family and a coach load of my neighbours turn up to someones wedding ceremony.. because we're ENTITLED to be there because hey... its public.. who gives a rats ass what the Bride & Groom actually want.

what a pile of CRAP... and i'm sorry, but you just earned yourself a trip to the seventh level of Etiquette Hell for that one!

K999 · 29/02/2008 19:15

Not read the whole thread (as I am supposed to be going cold turkey from MN) but you have been invited to a wedding...not your baby!

Why on earth would you want to take a baby anyway? If you cant leave the baby cos you are bf then dont go......

I have had to miss loads of weddings/parties etc due to childcare committments......shit happens when you have kids....

I doubt very much that she is ignoring the fact that you will have a new baby, but thats not her concern really. She is perfectly entitled to invite who she likes

Fwiw...we have been invited to 3 weddings this year....1 with kids and 2 without....we are going to all three without kids......a wedding is too long a day and kids get fed up...why out your self through that???

tortoiseSHELL · 29/02/2008 19:15

I KNOW MADAMEZ. But the bride KNEW the OP was pg, and would have had the baby, and still invited her - I maintain she is unreasonable to invite her and not the baby.

I really am going to leave this thread now. Don't let me post on it again.

Emprexia · 29/02/2008 19:17

madamez - i know someone who strictly requested her wedding and reception be completely child free.. because she's actually scared of children.. she has a phobia of pregnant women and babies and can't bear to have them near her.

According to TortoiseShell over there, she'd have had to have her wedding day ruined because she's no right to ask people to keep their kids away, because its PUBLIC!

Journey · 29/02/2008 19:17

Not read all the replies but think OP was rude sending a reply with "..and infant" That was presumptious. So you invite your baby and then ask by the way can my baby come along! Very bad manners in my opinion.

Emprexia · 29/02/2008 19:19

She is not being unreasonable to not invite the baby, because SHE DOESN'T WANT CHILDREN AT HER WEDDING!!!!!!!

tortoiseSHELL · 29/02/2008 19:20

Kaishay - yes. Unfortunately that is the legal position. The ceremony has to be public. Never mind etiquette, it's the way the law works.

Clearly people generally wouldn't turn up to random weddings just because they 'can'.

I do think 'bridezilla'ism has got worse. Even the times brides are turing up to weddings has generally got later and later - often being 30-60 mins late which is just RUDE to the people working to make their ceremonies the way they want them. And I do think there is too much of this 'my special day' crap peddled around. There. That's my final word.

tortoiseSHELL · 29/02/2008 19:21

Kaishay, in which case she SHOULDN'T HAVE INVITED THE OP. She must have realised the dates were close.

CrushWithEyeliner · 29/02/2008 19:21

I thought the "and infant" reply was bizarre tbh. I would have been a bit perplexed by that response

Emprexia · 29/02/2008 19:25

Why? So what you're saying is you should never invite anyone who has a child to a childfree wedding?

Quite frankly i think you're completely rude... legal is legal.. etiquette is everything where weddings are concerned.

bekkaboo · 29/02/2008 19:29

I think perfectly reasonable to invite couples to wedding and not want their kids / babies there. been 3 wedding since DS was born all of which he wasn't on the invite so would have put myself in the position to ask as it was clear he wasn't invited. I still went to the wedding as its up to them who they want. No big issue..

If they dont have kids or like kids (which some people dont) why would they want other people kids screaming through churches, speeches etc and people getting up half way through to attend to their kids. Although they might not have to pay for them they are still classed as a number for fire regs.

tortoiseSHELL · 29/02/2008 19:29

No Kaishay. I am not saying you should never invite anyone who has a child to a childfree wedding.

What I am saying is that it is unreasonable to invite someone who will have a 2 WEEK OLD baby to a wedding and then to say 'no you can't bring the baby.' A 2 week old can not be left by the mother for any length of time, especially if BF. So the invitation is a nonsense. Someone receving such an invitation would never DREAM that the bride and groom would be expecting them to leave a 2 WEEK OLD with a babysitter.

I don't give a toss if you think I am rude. I think you are rude for calling me a guestzilla. You are the only one who has resorted to name calling.

dejags · 29/02/2008 19:33

Big, HUGE, HUMUNGOUS difference between a child and a newborn baby.

I think some of the responses - to a carefully worded op - particularly those of Motherfunk have been downright bloody rude!

I have no issue with a child-free wedding. It's up to the Bride and Groom. In this instance, however, the Bride was a bitch about the way she dismissed the equally important event of childbirth in her so-called (the OP's) friends life and handled the recall of the invitation.

Just because she is getting married, doesn't mean the world stops and nobody else has anything important going on.

To turn away a tiny defenceless newborn, is unforgiveable, she could have handled it a zillions time better - even if it meant requesting that the mother and baby sit elsewhere for the duration of the ceremony if there was any likelihood of the baby crying.

No problem with not wanting a boisterous toddler running around, but, a newborn????

Outrageous!

K999 · 29/02/2008 19:36

Just because the OP has had a baby does not mean the world stops and the bride can invite who she likes.......

dejags · 29/02/2008 19:39

Works both ways though K999.

The bride knew her friend was pregnant. She was insensitive and up her own arse - IMO.

She did not behave like a friend.

A real friend would be able to communicate their own needs without being so insensitive and awful about it.

bekkaboo · 29/02/2008 19:39

to be fair I would think more important things going on in babys firt 2 weeks than going wedding, you may not feel upto it.

WHAT HAPPENS IF BABY'S LATE ANYWAY!?!?! sorry caps on, you either go alone or not at all. We had same scenorio with DH as was meant to be best man and thought unfair to have to commit to being best man when baby was born so didnt. As it turns out DS was born night before wedding and they have never spoke to us again!