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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sorry, ANOTHER babies at weddings thread, but I would like your views on this - AIBU?

506 replies

champagnesupernova · 28/02/2008 22:41

I have a q good friend (ex-colleague, she was my boss but we've kept in touch) who's a good deal older than me, been big on career and so never got round to having kids.

Having been with her man for over ten years he finally gets round to popping the question and setting the date.

She tells me this the day I've arranged to meet her to tell her I'm pg with number 1. Big all round

Turns out the date of the wedding is 3-4 weeks after my baby's due.

As I said we're q good friends, so imagine my delight when a save the date card comes.

And then the invitation arrives addressed to Mr and Mrs Supernova (no mention of the bump, but it's not born yet)

I reply very early and in the reply card I put "Mr and Mrs Supernova and infant" and add a note saying I know planning a wedding is v complicated, just want to say that as it's so early and I"m planning on b/fing I'll have the baby with me, but I've heard they sleep for ages so hopefully it won't be a problem Wanted to check you're okay with this.

Met up with her today and said are you okay with this.

She's not and basically doesn't want us to come as she's worried about saying no to other people with babies and not us and annoying the other guests (most of whose kids will be grownup)

I am really really really by this.

She invited us. Knowing we were going to have a brand new baby. She could have just not invited us and said they were having probs with numbers and I wouldn't have been any the wiser. Now I feel that I've misread the invitation and that I've been UNINVITED.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Chequers · 29/02/2008 19:41

Message withdrawn

dejags · 29/02/2008 19:42

I agree wholeheartedly with those who have said it's a foolish idea even contemplating going to a wedding 2 weeks postpartum.

Euchhh! I couldn't think of anything worse.

mrsruffallo · 29/02/2008 19:42

LOL-Phobia to children, babies and pregnant women?

CarlaJo · 29/02/2008 19:42

We had to ask many of our friends with children not to bring them to our wedding because of limited space, but we didn't think twice about asking our friends with a newborn to bring the baby along. In fact, we gave them the keys to our bridal suite at the hotel so that they could have a nice, comfortable place for breastfeeding and changing! None of the other guests who had left older kids with family felt this was at all unfair, so I don't buy that argument from the friend.

K999 · 29/02/2008 19:42

Oh FGS its only a wedding. So what if the bride does not want to invite kids? Thats her perogative.......

Never fails to amaze me why people get so wound up about bloody wedding invites.......if I were the OP I would think myself lucky that I was not having to shell out on a new outfit and present.....

pooka · 29/02/2008 19:43

I had pretty much the same situation with friends when ds was born. Already had dd.

They said that due to the nature of the venue (it has a moat) no children were allowed. I understood completely re: dd not going (while not really agreeing) that they wanted to have a wedding without marauding children. But was due 4 weeks before the wedding and they knew that I would be breastfeeding ds. DH rang just to confirm that new baby ould come, since would neither be marauding nor getting self into scrapes in the moat. To be told NO children.

I was highly pissed off. Because it made a nonsense of inviting me. Because they knew full well that I couldn't leave my potentially 4 week old (but possibly slightly younger/older) baby. They actually put rather a lot of pressure on for us both to attend. So I suggested that DH could attend the ceremony, then I would attend the meal (while DH walked around the public grounds, v family friendly, of the venue) and then I would go home with the baby so DH could stay for the evening do (dd meanwhile at home with granny).

They said it was important for each guest to be there for the whole do. In the end DH went for the ceremony and the meal and then left,

I was pretty narked. And sad because the groom was a very good friend of us both, and the bride too in more recent years.

Emprexia · 29/02/2008 19:46

Why was she insensitive?

The OP broke one of the biggest etiquette rules there are by ADDING someone who WASNT INVITED onto the RSVP card.

Then got upset when the Bride informed her it was actually a childfree wedding, and didn't feel she could exempt the OP because then she'd feel bad refusing everyone elses children.

I think thats perfectly reasonable.

If my BFF hadn't invited me to her wedding just because i was due to have DS on that day i'd have been REALLY HURT, and felt like she was punishing me for being pregnant.

The Bride invited the OP & her Hubby because they're here friends and she'd like them there.. it doesn't mean they're obliged to go, baby or no baby.

K999 · 29/02/2008 19:47

Oh FGS why is it other peoples problems whether or not you can leave you child????

It's not........get over it!! And as I have said before life changes after kids. It may mean that you dont go to every wedding/party/night out going but thats not the brides fault.....jeez.....

dejags · 29/02/2008 19:47

Good point K999.

It's only a wedding. What is it about weddings that make people act so bizarrely?

Courtesy and consideration seem to go right out the window - and this does not only apply to the bride.

Emprexia · 29/02/2008 19:49

Mrsruffalo.. i'm serious.. to the point she had her tubes tied when she was 28, and employed a bouncer to stop anyone with childen bringing them into the wedding venue.

bekkaboo · 29/02/2008 19:49

ok she dont want your baby there, whats worst you not being invited at all? or her inviting you but not baby? Ether was it would clearly be issue so just dont go, simple. Im sure she didn't plan her wedding to tie in with due date.

dejags · 29/02/2008 19:49

Oh FGS Kaishay, it's not rocket science.

She didn't add a guzzling 16 year old to the invite. She added her newborn baby. The one her "friend" is perfectly aware of when sending out said invite.

I just don't get the big deal.

Yawn. Off to bed.

Chequers · 29/02/2008 19:50

Message withdrawn

dejags · 29/02/2008 19:52

Like I said ... YAWN.

Histrionics indeed

dejags · 29/02/2008 19:53

"Met up with her today and said are you okay with this.

She's not and basically doesn't want us to come as she's worried about saying no to other people with babies and not us and annoying the other guests (most of whose kids will be grownup)"

Sounds like a recall of the invitation to me....

Emprexia · 29/02/2008 19:53

It doesn't matter if its a newborn, your dog or your 5th cousin once removed.

If the person isn't mentioned on the Invite, they're NOT INVITED, and its rude/bad manners to presume its ok to take them and just add them onto the RSVP card.

posieflump · 29/02/2008 19:54

oh I have to agree with Kaishay that "a bride cannot dictate who is allowed to go" is a ridiculous statement to make

it is her wedding after all

Chequers · 29/02/2008 19:54

Message withdrawn

corriefan · 29/02/2008 19:55

I personally am a fan of children at weddings but I think childless couples really don't understand what it's like, why would they? I honestly think they are not trying to be vindictive, they don't understand about breastfeeding- have probably barely given it a second thought, they just think "I do not want my precious day interupted or possibly upstaged by a crying baby". Why else would they do that? not just to upset one of their friends, surely? I'd say don't go, be apologetic but clear about why and arrange an evening to watch the video or something together but don't be miffed she has to do what she wants.

Emprexia · 29/02/2008 19:57

Posieflump.. i agree that Churches are public places, and no, you can't legally lock people out.

Random people used to show up at weddings at my local church all the time to 'see the bride'

However, if someone had just wandered into the hotel room my friend hired for her wedding ceremony, or the Registry Office room i hired for mine, i'd be pretty

mrsruffallo · 29/02/2008 19:57

So much passion for such a simple subject

Chequers · 29/02/2008 19:57

Message withdrawn

dejags · 29/02/2008 19:58

By posieflump on Fri 29-Feb-08 19:54:00
oh I have to agree with Kaishay that "a bride cannot dictate who is allowed to go" is a ridiculous statement to make

it is her wedding after all

Totally agree, but this doesn't mean that the normal bounds of courtesy and consideration don't apply.

AbbeyA · 29/02/2008 19:58

I agree with tortoiseSHELL, the friend knew that she was about to give birth and yet didn't write no children on the invitation.A new born isn't taking up space or eating or being a nuisance. I think she is better off not going as it is a bit much after a birth, which might be late anyway. I think it is a shame that anyone would put having the 'perfect do' above having friends and family but I suppose it is up to the bride.

tortoiseSHELL · 29/02/2008 20:00

posieflump - that was simply stating the legal position which kaishay has taken completely the wrong way. The point being that it is a public ceremony.

Actually, thinking about it, there were quite a few uninvited people at our wedding, and actually it was lovely to see them. I felt quite bad that we couldn't say 'come on to the reception'. They were just people we knew who knew we were getting married that day and came along to support us. You don't need an invitation to go to the church, and it isn't rude actually, it's showing your support for the couple. Obviously it's a bit different if they've requested no children, and you take a child.

Kaishay, normally I would agree that to assume someone was invited was rude. But not in the case of a newborn who is not yet born. I think it is such a ludicrous suggestion that a mother leave a newborn with a babysitter that early to go to a wedding, that no-one would imagine that the baby wasn't invited.

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