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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sorry, ANOTHER babies at weddings thread, but I would like your views on this - AIBU?

506 replies

champagnesupernova · 28/02/2008 22:41

I have a q good friend (ex-colleague, she was my boss but we've kept in touch) who's a good deal older than me, been big on career and so never got round to having kids.

Having been with her man for over ten years he finally gets round to popping the question and setting the date.

She tells me this the day I've arranged to meet her to tell her I'm pg with number 1. Big all round

Turns out the date of the wedding is 3-4 weeks after my baby's due.

As I said we're q good friends, so imagine my delight when a save the date card comes.

And then the invitation arrives addressed to Mr and Mrs Supernova (no mention of the bump, but it's not born yet)

I reply very early and in the reply card I put "Mr and Mrs Supernova and infant" and add a note saying I know planning a wedding is v complicated, just want to say that as it's so early and I"m planning on b/fing I'll have the baby with me, but I've heard they sleep for ages so hopefully it won't be a problem Wanted to check you're okay with this.

Met up with her today and said are you okay with this.

She's not and basically doesn't want us to come as she's worried about saying no to other people with babies and not us and annoying the other guests (most of whose kids will be grownup)

I am really really really by this.

She invited us. Knowing we were going to have a brand new baby. She could have just not invited us and said they were having probs with numbers and I wouldn't have been any the wiser. Now I feel that I've misread the invitation and that I've been UNINVITED.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Chequers · 29/02/2008 16:08

Message withdrawn

Elasticwoman · 29/02/2008 16:09

Yes the host can set the rules - but it is still unutterably rude to invite someone and then uninvite them on the basis of information known at the time of the original invitation.

Lulumama · 29/02/2008 16:10

IMO, it is the same for any party..I would not expect to see children at any other black tie or formal event, so why a wedding, if that is the choice of the bride and groom?

maybe, just maybe , when the bride to be sent out the invites, she had forgotten that the OP would have just had a baby.. as she would have been thinking more about the wedding than the baby..

would the OP have been any less upset if she had not been invited at all?

concentrate on your own special event, the birth of your baby, and don;t get so upset about a wedding...

Chequers · 29/02/2008 16:12

Message withdrawn

mummypig · 29/02/2008 16:13

okay this is a really long thread and I haven't read all the posts. But this happened to me too - we were invited to a 'no kids' wedding when my ds1 was a few weeks old. The friend was a really good one who I had shared a flat with before. I could understand why she didn't want children but there was no way I was leaving my little one with someone else for so long when he was so young. So I just called her and said 'I'd really like to come to the wedding but I can't leave my baby for so long, which bit would you like me to come to?' She said she didn't care if I was at the ceremony at all but would like to see me at the reception. So I left my baby with my sister and some expressed milk, went to the reception with dp and had a great time. We are still friends . I don't think it's necessarily something you have to fall out about. It may be a cliche, but people with no children really don't understand what it's like and you can't expect them to fully appreciate your point of view.

tortoiseSHELL · 29/02/2008 16:14

If she had forgotten about the baby then that is pretty rude and self-absorbed in any case.

I still don't see what difference it would make her allowing the baby to come.

If I was hosting a party, and one of my invited guests asked for something that would make it possible for her to come and would have NO EFFECT on my party then I just don't see the problem.

Those people saying 'no children' - seriously, how is a 2 week old going to have ANY effect on the wedding and the bride? Apart from getting lots of attention from people saying 'how lovely, aren't you doing well?'.

I'm obviously missing something here!

tortoiseSHELL · 29/02/2008 16:15

And I think she should actually be honoured that the OP is even considering going 2-3 weeks after having a baby. I was really touched that my friend came to my wedding a week after hers, as I knew it was an important time for her too.

Chequers · 29/02/2008 16:15

Message withdrawn

TheFallenMadonna · 29/02/2008 16:17

I can't for the life of me see why you would want to lose a friend over this.

They want an adults-only wedding. Which is frankly entirely their call.

She probably either didn't do the maths, or didn't want you to feel you weren't wanted, hence the invitation.

If you can't go, you can't go. You reply politely int he negative and wish them a happy day.

All this "ditch her" stuff is way, way OTT.

And a bit guestzilla...

tortoiseSHELL · 29/02/2008 16:17

Where?

tortoiseSHELL · 29/02/2008 16:19

A 2 week old is barely any different to a baby who is yet to be born - they generally sleep when they're out in any case. No maths to do - they only eat milk - don't take up much room, especially if they're in a sling.

I really could understand if it was an older child. But a 2 week old????

jasper · 29/02/2008 16:21

YES WE ALL KNOW a newborn in arms is no bother to anyone, but the friend, having no children of her own does not know that.

Their wedding, their guest list

nappyaddict · 29/02/2008 16:21

children at the ceremony can be a problem though if you've got a large amount of guests cos churches aren't always huge and having children can add another 40 or so people to squeeze in. also toddlers are pretty much guarenteed to not sit through the ceremony. i wouldn't say no children at the ceremony but i would say no toddlers and then it becomes easier to just say no children at all so as not to create upset.

tortoiseSHELL · 29/02/2008 16:23

Just scanned through the thread again, couldn't find any good reason for not taking a real tiny - I'm sure the OP would take the baby out if it looked like it was about to cry. But you know, a loud aeroplane could go over and make more noise than a newborn. Or an ambulance could go past the church etc

tortoiseSHELL · 29/02/2008 16:24

nappyaddict - I agree. But a newborn is very easy to treat as an exception, as my friend did when she said 'no children whatsoever except t'shell's ds!'

Chequers · 29/02/2008 16:25

Message withdrawn

tortoiseSHELL · 29/02/2008 16:28

I am aware of that chequers - I just don't buy into this 'what the bride wants, the bride gets, irrespective of anyone else.'

Anyway, will shut up now and leave the thread.

tortoiseSHELL · 29/02/2008 16:29

(I put that badly - what I mean is that the 'special day' business can lead to people being upset/inconvenienced/annoyed for spurious reasons that actually have no bearing on the wedding or implications for the bride whatsoever.)

Squiffy · 29/02/2008 16:29

OK.

In the red corner we have:

Weddings are for families, it is not just about the bride and what she wants, she is being totally unreasonable, drop her like a stone.

In the blue corner we have:

It is their day, it is entirely their call and it is really thoughtless but it is not worth losing sleep (or friendships) over. Decline politely and wish them a lovely day.

Does that about sum it up? Guess the OP needs to choose a corner and take it from there.

pagwatch · 29/02/2008 16:30

Their wedding, their guest list.
If invited go or don't go.

If someone invites me to dinner I accept or I decline. I don't ask if i could bring my mother and sulk when they say "actually this is going to be a no mothers dinner party". And if i did summon up the rudes to ask if i could bring my mother i would not regard it as reasonable to be miffed when they say no.

It really is a simple process. Unless you have a strange and disproprtionate idea of your own significance.

By all means disagree with their choices but you surely have to accept that it is their choice.

pagwatch · 29/02/2008 16:31

oops.
Didn't realise squiffy had called it

thread died. 16:29:36.

helenhismadwife · 29/02/2008 16:32

babies at weddings can be a problem, I remember seeing a friends wedding video (I couldnt go because it was abroad and I was heavily pregnant) you couldnt hear her taking her vows because of a baby screaming, very sad and thoughtless. Whilst most babies will sleep peacefully through it not all will, some will be very unsettled by lots of noise, people and not being able to sleep in familiar surroundings.

It is her day and that does give her the right to say what she wants to happen, if the op is not happy she doesnt have to go but she also doesnt need to loose a friend over it. The op hasnt been uninvited she misinterpreted the invitation.

nappyaddict · 29/02/2008 16:37

not everyone will take a child out that is crying/being a nuisance though. what is she supposed to do? invite the people she thinks will and not invite the people that won't?

DualCycloneCod · 29/02/2008 17:28

ITS IRRELEVANT WHO THE WEDDING IS FOR

this woman has offended a supposed freind.

imo save your money 9 one less present for her) and allt he hassle and tbh you wont feel like it and she will CRINGE when she is pg herself.

( refers to dog on wedding invitation story of yore)

nappyaddict · 29/02/2008 17:30

maybe people should start writing on the bottom of wedding invitations - children are welcome, but please remove them from the ceremony if they start crying/screaming/crawling/running around/making a general nuisance of themselves so everyone knows where they stand!!

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