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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sorry, ANOTHER babies at weddings thread, but I would like your views on this - AIBU?

506 replies

champagnesupernova · 28/02/2008 22:41

I have a q good friend (ex-colleague, she was my boss but we've kept in touch) who's a good deal older than me, been big on career and so never got round to having kids.

Having been with her man for over ten years he finally gets round to popping the question and setting the date.

She tells me this the day I've arranged to meet her to tell her I'm pg with number 1. Big all round

Turns out the date of the wedding is 3-4 weeks after my baby's due.

As I said we're q good friends, so imagine my delight when a save the date card comes.

And then the invitation arrives addressed to Mr and Mrs Supernova (no mention of the bump, but it's not born yet)

I reply very early and in the reply card I put "Mr and Mrs Supernova and infant" and add a note saying I know planning a wedding is v complicated, just want to say that as it's so early and I"m planning on b/fing I'll have the baby with me, but I've heard they sleep for ages so hopefully it won't be a problem Wanted to check you're okay with this.

Met up with her today and said are you okay with this.

She's not and basically doesn't want us to come as she's worried about saying no to other people with babies and not us and annoying the other guests (most of whose kids will be grownup)

I am really really really by this.

She invited us. Knowing we were going to have a brand new baby. She could have just not invited us and said they were having probs with numbers and I wouldn't have been any the wiser. Now I feel that I've misread the invitation and that I've been UNINVITED.

AIBU?

OP posts:
skidoodle · 02/03/2008 14:14

I agree that nothing is out of limits to a joke that is funny or clever or makes a good point. Saying something incredibly obvious and childish as doesn't become funny just because someone 'dared' say it. Its baldness can't be a recommendation as it was poorly expressed. And it was not suprising enough to be in any way out of context. It was just lazy playing for cheap laughs

skidoodle · 02/03/2008 14:23

Susie i wasn't responding to you in particular. Sorry if it came across that way. your point about not commenting on things you've not been through is interesting. I'm not sure i agree where making flippant comments or lazy jokes is concerned. Btw i meant the joke was not shocking because it was such a cheap and easy shot. I was sad to see it here.

alicet · 02/03/2008 14:44

Not read whole thread but a large proportion of it...

I think YABU for TELLING her that you were bringing your baby when she hadn't invited them. I don't think you would be unreasonable to ask but at the end of the day if she doesn't want children at her wedding then that is her choice. It is her day not yours and not up to you to decide whether or not this is appropriate. I agree with other posters who say it is you who created this awkward situation by misinterpreting the invitation - she quite clearly only invited you and your dh and not your baby

However I do think she would be unreasonable if she was not understanding of the fact that you are unable to attend without the baby. It would clearly be very difficult for you to go and she should understand and respect this just as you should respect (even if you disagree with) her choice on no children at her wedding.

DualCycloneCod · 02/03/2008 17:53

ah dearey deaery me.

ok i haev no idea abotu her reporcutive sytesm
iam not going ot share min wiht oyu on here veen if all my kdis were adopted or ivf.
obviously htis was not a serious suggestion.
i know champagne offboard.
i know she is kind and considerate.
i knwo that she owuld never think of anyone that way.
that wthe woman sint a bitch( cos she is her freind)

that calling her barren is hysterical and offensive but as you can see fromt eh previous couple of posts the tone of the whole thread was getting more inflmatory than it eneded to be for a shitty wedding thread.

hence the comment.
obviously being infertile isnt funny, but i wasnt seriously suggesting that it isnt.

i may call Aitch a "cocaine sniffing slaaaaaaaaaaaag "but do this doesnt mean i do not aprpecitate the severity of drug addiction or cast nastutiums on Aithcs immacualte conception.

tortoiseSHELL · 02/03/2008 17:56

Cod face it, it's going to be a 'cod bashing thread'! Actually, reminds me a little bit of the Alan Partridge one (why did I nearly write Alan Titchmarsh then?)

DualCycloneCod · 02/03/2008 18:07

i know
even iwht a retraction, oyu go away for a coupleof days adn look!

bundle · 02/03/2008 18:16

one of dh's cousins invited himself when his dad couldn't go (dh used his "share" of invites, so i couldn't say antyhing - but itwas incredibly cheeky)
to our wedding...

i went to a friend's wedding when i was 38 weeks pg and felt luckier than the woman with teh 3 week old baby..having said that, they did have an army of norland type nannies/whole room of toys/videos for your use..

tortoiseSHELL · 02/03/2008 18:17

At least you didn't get called a 'GUESTZILLA' like I did....

DualCycloneCod · 02/03/2008 18:47

Guestzilla

FourJays · 02/03/2008 18:58

Stay at home. You'll be all leaky and, if she is like this about her wedding, she won't be your mate for much longer after baby arrives anyway.
Congrats - and you're going to meet loads more lovely friends anyway.

susiecutiemincepies · 02/03/2008 19:27

I wasn't actually having a dig a you Cod. I didn't myself laugh, prob because I was in a really shitty mood, so nothing would raise a smile on my face. I understand entirely what you are saying, and am not suggesting that you do think any of the things you state "in your defense"

I was trying to explain why others may have briefly sniggered at what you said. then was attacked personally... MN is a strange and peculiar place at times.

tortoiseSHELL · 02/03/2008 19:33

Thanks Cod. I needed reminding that that is what in fact I am with my low levels of wedding etiquette!

DualCycloneCod · 02/03/2008 19:34

acmp
its fine to dig though.
iod realise it was a leetle de trop - hence.
but it was int eh flavour of the total exaggeration of the piece.

Kewcumber · 02/03/2008 20:08

"Cod face it, it's going to be a 'cod bashing thread'!" - fuck a duck I can't make a comment on a crass post like that wihout "cod-bashing"? .

And you didn't "retract" it Cod or it wouldn't still be sitting there - you let it stand with a half-arsed "oopsie" kind of comment. Presumably because you don't think it was offensive and I'm guessing from the "ah dearey deaery me" that those of us who objected are being silly.

The phrase "barren bitch" grates horribly and is a nasty way to describe another woman even in jest. And I'm buggered if I'm going to let that go, cod or no bloody cod. I don't care if you think I'm being silly or over-reacting, it was a crass comment and I'm entitled to say so, had others not tried to justify how it was OK, I would have stopped at my first simple comment.

susiecutiemincepies - it was me who said that black humour didn't tend to work if you haven't experienced the issue being laughed about. Poking fun at yourself can be very funny, only very very good comedians can make jokes about others misfortune work. Obviously only my very humble opinion though.

tortoiseSHELL · 02/03/2008 20:16

kewcumber, don't be so over sensitive! ALl I meant is that it is quite typical for a thread to end up picking up on one comment which WAS retracted, and everyone piling on board, and it often is cod. And cod bashing DOES happen on MN.

It's a 'group' thing, not one individual!

DualCycloneCod · 02/03/2008 20:19

kew thast fine!

object away.
its your right.

skidoodle · 02/03/2008 20:30

jeepers tortoiseSHELL for someone so offended at the implication that you may be a guestzilla, after multiple posts, increasingly angry ones at that, determined that everyone should agree that newborn babies were no trouble and were therefore outside the normal rules of etiquette, you have some cheek calling anyone else oversensitive.

susiecutiemincepies you weren't personally attacked. I wasn't even responding to what you had written.

tortoiseSHELL · 02/03/2008 20:48

skidoodle, I really can't be bothered to get back into this, but kew was implying I had singled her our for accusations of cod bashing, just pointing out I hadn't.

And I wasn't offended at being called a guestzilla, I couldn't care less if someone on a www forum calls me that, but it cheapens the debate somewhat to descend to name calling.

And to be fair, I only kept on about the newborn thing because people kept posting things about kids running riot, colouring in people's shoes, needing special seating arrangments - some very precocious newborns! Simply pointing out that having a 'no children' rule on account of toddlers wouldn't stop you having a newborn. And if you cared about having that friend at the wedding then you would accommodate them. If having no children there is more important then you would say don't come, as the bride has indeed done.

Emprexia · 02/03/2008 20:55

"it cheapens the debate somewhat to descend to name calling"

so bridezilla and barren bitch are ok, but guestzilla isnt?

tortoiseSHELL · 02/03/2008 21:00

Oh kaishay, I didn't use either of those.

Emprexia · 02/03/2008 21:09

I know, i was just mentioning them because guestzilla wasn't the only name that was being thrown around.

Chequers · 02/03/2008 21:10

Message withdrawn

Chequers · 02/03/2008 21:28

Message withdrawn

roxanne08 · 02/03/2008 21:32

how sad is a wedding without children from newborns to teenagers, weddings are meant to be family orrientanted (and friends)! does the bride want it to be the 'perfect' wedding?? well saying no children at the wedding will mean alot of guests not going there fore a very lonely perfect wedding. I'd rather not go then leave my newborn.

ElfOnTheTopShelf · 02/03/2008 21:36

good god is this still going ?

I demand you all go have a nice calming cuppa, or a glass of wine.

This thread is more heated than a b/f vs b/f thread!