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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sorry, ANOTHER babies at weddings thread, but I would like your views on this - AIBU?

506 replies

champagnesupernova · 28/02/2008 22:41

I have a q good friend (ex-colleague, she was my boss but we've kept in touch) who's a good deal older than me, been big on career and so never got round to having kids.

Having been with her man for over ten years he finally gets round to popping the question and setting the date.

She tells me this the day I've arranged to meet her to tell her I'm pg with number 1. Big all round

Turns out the date of the wedding is 3-4 weeks after my baby's due.

As I said we're q good friends, so imagine my delight when a save the date card comes.

And then the invitation arrives addressed to Mr and Mrs Supernova (no mention of the bump, but it's not born yet)

I reply very early and in the reply card I put "Mr and Mrs Supernova and infant" and add a note saying I know planning a wedding is v complicated, just want to say that as it's so early and I"m planning on b/fing I'll have the baby with me, but I've heard they sleep for ages so hopefully it won't be a problem Wanted to check you're okay with this.

Met up with her today and said are you okay with this.

She's not and basically doesn't want us to come as she's worried about saying no to other people with babies and not us and annoying the other guests (most of whose kids will be grownup)

I am really really really by this.

She invited us. Knowing we were going to have a brand new baby. She could have just not invited us and said they were having probs with numbers and I wouldn't have been any the wiser. Now I feel that I've misread the invitation and that I've been UNINVITED.

AIBU?

OP posts:
tori32 · 03/03/2008 14:16

I have to laugh at the irony of the ops situation. Marriage in church is supposed to be a Christian marriage, the whole idea of marriage being to 'be joined together in holy matrimony and procreation of children'. Marriage is about children in that sense. To my mind not inviting them is ironic in a church. Thats why weddings in church tend to be family occasions. If the friend wanted it this way then maybe a civil ceremony would have been better as she clearly doesn't embrace the Christian way of life.

Emprexia · 03/03/2008 14:26

The wedding vows actually say "That they may have children"

It doesn't mean they need to procreate right there, or have someone elses children present either.

Chequers · 03/03/2008 14:47

Message withdrawn

princessosyth · 03/03/2008 14:53

People that have not had children have no idea about breastfeeding. When she has her own children she will regret being such a selfish cow.

I was invited to a wedding a couple of months after ds was born and when dh asked if we could bring ds we were given a resounding no, they just didn't get it. As it turned out I wasn't actually breastfeeding by the time of the wedding so we went without ds.

MrsXX · 03/03/2008 14:57

If the bride and groom had children then it would be a little But as they are a childless couple then i think they are quite within their rights to want a child free wedding. It is their day after all.

So i do think YABU because it's their choice to have no kids there, just like it was your choice to have a child. Surely everyone should be allowed to make their own choices about in life without being made to feel bad about it.

And she can hardly say yes to your baby and no to everyone else's kids.

Chequers · 03/03/2008 14:58

Message withdrawn

theBOD · 03/03/2008 15:00

i love how two people celebrating their wedding and wanting their big day to be on their own terms have suddenly become "selfish cows".
i don't see the problem, the couple don't seem to be saying to her we can't be friends if you don't come to our wedding.they have simply invited her,said we'd like you to be there,but it is a child free wedding and an adult party.the decision is now totally up to the op. if she decides not to go the couple can hardly hold a grudge as they have decided not to have children at the wedding and the op has children. but equally the op has no reason to hold a grudge as she has been given plenty of advance warning and it is now her decision to make.she can get a babysitter and go to the wedding, or chose not to.

theBOD · 03/03/2008 15:00

i love how two people celebrating their wedding and wanting their big day to be on their own terms have suddenly become "selfish cows".
i don't see the problem, the couple don't seem to be saying to her we can't be friends if you don't come to our wedding.they have simply invited her,said we'd like you to be there,but it is a child free wedding and an adult party.the decision is now totally up to the op. if she decides not to go the couple can hardly hold a grudge as they have decided not to have children at the wedding and the op has children. but equally the op has no reason to hold a grudge as she has been given plenty of advance warning and it is now her decision to make.she can get a babysitter and go to the wedding, or chose not to.

MrsXX · 03/03/2008 15:02

Chequers i agree. Parents nowadays always want everything and everyone to revolve around their bloody kids.

MrsXX · 03/03/2008 15:06

People can't even go down the pub nowadays for abit of adult time without kids running around the pub. Are you concidered "selfish" now if you just want some adult, child free time?

princessosyth · 03/03/2008 15:10

Banning children from weddings is fine, we only invited children from within our close family. Not allowing a newborn baby to a wedding because of the no child rule is selfish in my book, but I think that pre children you just don't understand what having a small baby entails.

In our case we were invited to a wedding about 4-5 weeks after ds was due, dh asked whether our baby would be able to come as I was planning on breastfeeding and was told no because they would have to say yes to other people. Dh said fair enough and agreed to come on his own but we then had the groom telephone to say that the bride was really upset that I wasn't planning on going and to ask us to rethink our plans! I'm not sure how you can argue that that is not selfish!

Chequers · 03/03/2008 15:10

Message withdrawn

Chequers · 03/03/2008 15:11

Message withdrawn

chipmonkey · 03/03/2008 15:42

princess, did she want you to formula-feed to suit her?

LittleBella · 03/03/2008 16:31

I don't really understand why you would make it impossible for a friend to come to your wedding, if you wanted her there.

If I got married, I would want dear friends to celebrate with me. I wouldn't put up barriers to them being able to do that. Of course there are limits - like the date for example, but I'd bend over backwards to ensure that the guests I invite to my wedding are able to come. And in the case of a nursing mother, that means her bringing her baby with her, so I'd let her because I wanted her at my wedding. Why do people invite people to their wedding that they don't really want? I can understand having to invite mad old Aunt Maud or flatulant Uncle Stanley because they're family, but why invite acquaintances you don't really want? I'm a bit puzzled by this.

Kewcumber · 03/03/2008 16:42

but I don;t think they're being selfish. They're being unifomred - I had no idea what was involved with babies before I had one, I would have assuemd that it really wasn't any big deal in getting a babysitter for a 3 weeks old (says KC who now refuses to have a strange baby-sitter for her 2 yr old). Also I was slightly terrified by babies and would have been very nervous of screaming babies at an event like a wedding.

Now my idea of a perfect wedding would be with as many children as we could pack in and much lower key in terms of "poshness" but even 3/4 years ago that would have been my idea of hell.

Kewcumber · 03/03/2008 16:43

uninformed obviously not "uniformed"!

Chequers · 03/03/2008 16:44

Message withdrawn

theBOD · 03/03/2008 17:45

i don't see what's not to understand. the couple are having a wedding and don't want any children there. simple as.
what i don't understan is how some parents can't accept that their children are not the most important thing in the world to other people.
i hate children at weddings or other such adult events and if i get married it will most certainly be a child free wedding bar family members.

OliviaJournalist · 03/03/2008 18:04

Message deleted

LittleBella · 03/03/2008 18:15

Well theBod you still haven't explained why the couple would invite people they're not really interested in having there? As people on the thread have said, it costs money to feed people, so why bother to invite someone you're not interested in having come (unless it's family members you just can't get out of)?

I agree that in most cases it's not a case of people being deliberately unhelpful, it is simply ignorance about new babies. Just another symptom of the generational segregation our WASP culture goes in for (at both ends of the age spectrum).

Chequers · 03/03/2008 18:44

Message withdrawn

LittleBella · 03/03/2008 18:56

Yes that's true. That's why it's a bit odd that she asked her in the first place really. If you know you want a certain type of wedding and some of the guests aren't that type of person, it just seems to me a bit strange to ask them. Perhaps she just assumed the OP would say no and only asked her to be polite? Who knows, the vagaries of brides are a mystery to me...

Emprexia · 03/03/2008 18:57

I just don't get this idea that just because she isn't a mom that she's ignorant of the needs of a newborn baby.

People are making a lot of unfounded accusations and assumptions to try and reason why she won't allow the op's baby at her wedding... does it really matter why?

All thats important is that she doesn't want ANY children at her wedding, the whys and wherefores are irrelevant.

Emprexia · 03/03/2008 19:01

I'm thinking the invite was extended out of politeness.. if they are friends can you imagine the OP's feelings if she hadn't been invited at all?

IMHO being told "oh i didn't invite you because i didn't think you'd want to come with the baby and all" would hurt much more than being invited and realising you can't attend because you can't take baby with you.