Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sorry, ANOTHER babies at weddings thread, but I would like your views on this - AIBU?

506 replies

champagnesupernova · 28/02/2008 22:41

I have a q good friend (ex-colleague, she was my boss but we've kept in touch) who's a good deal older than me, been big on career and so never got round to having kids.

Having been with her man for over ten years he finally gets round to popping the question and setting the date.

She tells me this the day I've arranged to meet her to tell her I'm pg with number 1. Big all round

Turns out the date of the wedding is 3-4 weeks after my baby's due.

As I said we're q good friends, so imagine my delight when a save the date card comes.

And then the invitation arrives addressed to Mr and Mrs Supernova (no mention of the bump, but it's not born yet)

I reply very early and in the reply card I put "Mr and Mrs Supernova and infant" and add a note saying I know planning a wedding is v complicated, just want to say that as it's so early and I"m planning on b/fing I'll have the baby with me, but I've heard they sleep for ages so hopefully it won't be a problem Wanted to check you're okay with this.

Met up with her today and said are you okay with this.

She's not and basically doesn't want us to come as she's worried about saying no to other people with babies and not us and annoying the other guests (most of whose kids will be grownup)

I am really really really by this.

She invited us. Knowing we were going to have a brand new baby. She could have just not invited us and said they were having probs with numbers and I wouldn't have been any the wiser. Now I feel that I've misread the invitation and that I've been UNINVITED.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Chequers · 29/02/2008 20:01

Message withdrawn

Emprexia · 29/02/2008 20:02

Etiquette and Manners is a big thing for me Mrsruffalo.. having AS, i tend to like social rules because they can save me from some pretty big mess ups.

I also help run a discussion forum based solely on "Modern Manners & Etiquette" and Wedding Etiquette is a mine field, and a very vitriolic subject.... but its something thats been around for years.. this thing about "omg.. you have to invite my precious children" is a modern thing and another example of how everyone seems to think that their kids are more important than everyone elses wishes and needs.

and FTR, i had kids at my wedding, because my DSD was 11 at the time and it would have been a bit off to have a childfree wedding

tortoiseSHELL · 29/02/2008 20:02

I also think any bride who puts a huge premium on having the 'perfect day' risks a huge disappointment if the flowers aren't the precise shade of cream, or it rains, or an aeroplane flies over, or she has a cold, or she gets a spot, or one of the bridesmaids has a hair cut, or the church is cold....the possibilities are endless, and if they have set their hearts on a very prescriptive 'perfect day' then they probably will be dis-satisfied. Surely the important thing is the vows they will make to each other, and their new life they are starting, rather than whether or not there is a 2 week old baby in the church when they are getting married.

JoanCrawford · 29/02/2008 20:03

I think that whilst having a newborn baby is a momentous event for the op (as is for all parents) and it's wonderful and special etc etc.....IT'S HER WEDDING! SHE DOESN'T GIVE A SHIT!

and why would she? You want to bf, great - stay at home. Job done.

Chequers · 29/02/2008 20:04

Message withdrawn

Chequers · 29/02/2008 20:06

Message withdrawn

Emprexia · 29/02/2008 20:06

Tortoise.. from what the OP has said, i don't think the issue is about the newborn.

I get the impression that the Brides issue is if she lets the OP bring her baby, she's either going to have to let everyone else bring their kids, or deal with the people who've got kids and not bought them, wondering why the OP got special treatment after they've probably had to go through allsorts to find childcare for a whole day!

tortoiseSHELL · 29/02/2008 20:06

I must go and read ds1's story, but before I do, I think there's one other element here which has just occurred to me.

Both the OP and the bride are undergoing momentous times in their lives - a baby and a wedding. Huge points in their lives. Huge changing points. And it seems that the bride is totally absorbed in her wedding, and not accommodating her friend's life changing event, or even be very interested in it (if she invited her having forgotten about the baby). Whereas the OP wants to be a part of her event, and wants to help her celebrate her marriage, even though she herself will have undergone a huge physical event and will probably be exhausted and have all the emotions that go along with a new baby. The OP seems much more interested in her friend the bride than she does in the OP.

K999 · 29/02/2008 20:06

Oh FGS, every bride wants the 'perfect day'. Whether they get it or not is a different matter, but I would say NOT inviting children/toddlers/newborns is at least one step towards DAMAGE LIMITATION....!

dejags · 29/02/2008 20:08

tortoiseSHELL.

That's EXACTLY what I was trying to say (apparently not very effectively).

AitchTwoOh · 29/02/2008 20:08

it's been said before but it's probably just that the bride doesn't realise that every parent there will 'get' that newborns are exempt from the 'no kids' rule. so in fact she won't be in a difficult position with other parents who've left their kids behind but she can't know that yet.

Chequers · 29/02/2008 20:09

Message withdrawn

tortoiseSHELL · 29/02/2008 20:10

But Kaishay, (and I really am going to go and read in a minute), she can just say that obviously newborns are different. And no-one would argue!

Chequers, what I mean is that if it matters THAT much to you that everything is so 'perfect' then it is that much more of a disappointment. And everything can go wrong on a wedding day.

The day before our wedding, a hurricane hit town. As it happened it had blown itself out by the time of the service, but it did rain a bit, and wasn't a 'beautiful' day. But that didn't dampen the celebration of our marriage. But I think for someone for whom the details were SO important it could have been a disaster. And would always mar the memories of the day.

tortoiseSHELL · 29/02/2008 20:12

Chequers - I disagree, the OP wants to go to the wedding. She cannot leave a newborn, so the only way she can go is to take the baby.

tortoiseSHELL · 29/02/2008 20:12

K999 - what damage exactly is a newborn going to do? Apart from look cute in a photograph?

Chequers · 29/02/2008 20:12

Message withdrawn

K999 · 29/02/2008 20:13

I want a huge house...the only way I can get it is if I rob a bank.........FGS we all want things we cannot have........so she misses a wedding..........BIG FARKIIN DEAL!!!!!!!!!!!

K999 · 29/02/2008 20:15

A newborn has the potential to SCREAM throughtout the whole ceremony.......I went to a funeral when dd2 was 6 weeks. Excellent baby, gorgeous....would stop traffic and guess what.............she SCREAMED!!!!!

AbbeyA · 29/02/2008 20:18

I am sure OP would take her baby out if it screamed!

bekkaboo · 29/02/2008 20:20

yeah and make a scene rushing out!

bekkaboo · 29/02/2008 20:23

anyway im off now this is getting infuriating! baby not invited, get over it, no big deal just dont go and dont make your problem the brides,

Tyakit · 29/02/2008 20:23

I think a bit too much analysis has gone into this. Maybe the friend just sent out an invite to her wedding to her friend and partner beacause she wanted them there and didn't think about the whole baby scenario. Frankly I think it would be pretty weird to have put the baby on the invite given it isn't even born yet.

If all other invitees have been asked not to bring their children, there wasn't much else the friend could say when the OP rang to ask if she could bring the baby.

I agree with all the others - you really won't want to be at a wedding 2 weeks after giving birth.

A very good friend of mine got married last year 10 days after my DS was born. She also did not want children at her wedding and I knew I wouldn't feel up to it that soon after the birth. So we mutually agreed that DH and I would not go and it hasn't affected our friendship at all.

If you really are good friends it would a shame to lose that just because the timing of your due date and her wedding date clash.

onebatmother · 29/02/2008 20:26

Pretty much agree with tortoiseshell

We all know that weddings are pains to arrange, and pains to attend - everyone is making sacrifices in order for a generally lovely time to be had by all.

Op had intended to make the effort to go, despite fact that it will be quite difficult to do so 2 weeks pp.

bride is not making a corresponding concession

Even though the bride is childless, it would have thought that most people are aware of the idea that newborns need their mothers, badly. Doesn't the woman watch wildlife films fgs

it does sound, from the OP, as though the invitation has been withdrawn.

Which is pretty grim.

And since Chequers has been so kind as to bring Debrett's to the table, I believe it is incumbent on the hostess to smile and welcome her guests, even if they turn up naked and erect. (But laugh about their endowments in private and never invite them again, obv)

The OP in this case is not naked, but will be the brand new mother of a tiny, helpless baby, whom she is, astonishingly, prepared to expose to the potentially-permanent damage that peach satin and a chocolate fountain could do to his/her still-unformed sense of taste and aesthetics.

So I'd say the OP is being reasonable.

tortoiseSHELL · 29/02/2008 20:29

Believe it or not you don't have to make a scene rushing out. You can sit at the back by the door and quietly stand up and leave. I doubt the bride would even notice.

bekkaboo · 29/02/2008 20:30

so the bride has to change her seating arrangements to accomodate a baby she didnt want in first place

Swipe left for the next trending thread