Left 5yo alone in a restaurant for 2 minutes

[Havanawinter]

I was in a chain restaurant with DS today who is 5, 6 in November. After the waitress had taken our order I went to the loo, leaving DS happily colouring at the table. Before I left I told the woman at the table next to us (who had young children) that I was nipping to the loo and could she please keep half an eye on DS.

When I arrived back at the table literally 2 minutes later I was basically chastised by the waitress for leaving. “I didn’t know if you were coming back for him! I was so worried!” Which seems a bit far fetched considering I’d also left my phone, purse, keys and bag of shopping on the table. She huffed at me again and left, but I could see her taking to her colleagues across the room about it. That was the end of the whole thing but it left me feeling a bit weird, it never even occurred to me that I was doing something wrong but now I’m wondering if my behaviour was unreasonable? Honest opinions welcome!

What a load of drama, if she was that worried surely she could have asked him where his Mummy was, at which point I assume your ds or the lady next to you would have said 'she's just nipped to the toilet'. To be honest it sounds more like the lady you asked to watch him was a bit judgey and told the waitress, who also decided to be a bit judgey and tell you off.

Yes, you really shouldn't have left a complete stranger to watch your kid even if they were a mother themselves. You have no idea what sort of person she was

Again, that's not comparable.
Seeing as Beaver/Rainbow leaders are usually checked as work with kids but random.strangers in the restaurant/cafe /pub are not.

It is possible the op's child is small for thier age and maybe looks too young to be left alone. The waitress might have thought they were 4 or something. My son is quite tall but at 6 still a bit too young to go to the toilet alone, and I'm just starting to get the odd double take when he comes into the ladies with me, but he could be mistaken for a 7/8 year old.

Nobody knows when looking at a child, what age/stage they are at developmentally, how they will handle being left alone emotionally. So you can have faith that they will sit still and that another mum will keep an eye out, but a waitress might look over and see what looks like a lone, vulnerable child and feel the need to watch until the parent comes back.

I've definitely watched other people's toddlers at soft play, when the parents just plonk them down and then bugger off and I've had to find a mum once to let her know her child was crying in the ball pit. I can't help looking out for unsupervised children, it makes me anxious.

she was put on the spot and might not have felt able to refuse. I have certainly refused in similar circumstances. It is a really horrible thing to do to anyone, leave them responsible for your child while you go anywhere. What is she supposed to do if anything goes wrong? What an awful position to be put in.

I would have taken my child with me

5 is far too young to be left in that situation. Leaving your valuables there also rather bonkers. I would have left a coat/cardigan on each chair and taken the child with me. If child was 8ish, or possibly a really mature 7 year old, then leaving them would be ok.

Depends on the type of restaurant and how close the loo is. Quiet restaurant somewhere safe with loo nearby, yes. Busy restaurant in the city with loo far away, would probably be fine but would be too nervous to do it.

As a Girlguiding volunteer let me assure you that 5 year old Rainbows are NOT loosely supervised.
You can't take Rainbows out with less than enough adults for 1 to 3 girls. And you would NEVER leave a Rainbow alone without a DBSed adult (not even a parent helper, to be alone they have to be DBS cleared)
Even at Brownie age your Risk Assessment would most likely say they couldn't be left alone, unless you were somewhere that was privately booked, they couldn't leave and for maybe a couple of minutes and only then maybe at the upper aged end

I once had a stranger ask me to watch their dog whilst they nipped into a shop. They seemed rather surprised and offended when I said "no, sorry, I don't feel comfortable with that".

It's one thing to ask someone to watch your things, but asking a stranger to even briefly be responsible for another living thing is a big ask, and totally inappropriate IMO.

You will get the hyper paranoid types that think preditors are stalking you in the shadows and the hyper lax parents who let there nude toddlers wander the streets alone at night.

In reality, where the sane live though... it was not bizarre most parents have done this and the waitress sounds like a nut job.

I was at summer camp with my kids the other week and while they where playing I went to go pee. I came out to my toddler in hysteric and a camp councilor carrying her towards the toilet attempting to explain Id only be a second and hadn't ran off forever leaving her.

Despite my divas little acting show no body died just because I need to pee. I (like all mams) am only human with human calls of nature and are allowed the most basic of bodily functions without having to justify it.

After seeing me she instantly stopped crying, climbed down from the councilor smiled and ran away then ignored me again for the rest of the hour long session.

OK, maybe I'm just more laid back about being in charge of other people's kids (and maybe that means I really shouldn't be in charge of them 😂!) but honestly this wouldn't stress me out. If something went wrong (child fell off chair, the restaurant caught fire), I'd deal with it in exactly the same way as I'd deal with it for my child or a friend's child for whom I was responsible, being essentially in loco parentis. If child was playing up, I'd have no trouble saying to them "oi you, sit down and pipe down until your mum gets back!" or the child-friendly equivalent.

If anything a busy area is usually safer... more witnesses.

If someone is in danger thinking they are going to be kidnapped they never run to the quiet place where they are alone, they run toward the populated places where people will see and help.

I have often been asked to keep an eye on a child while a parent nips to the toilet ( usually by a father with a little daughter) Of course I always agree, seems perfectly reasonable to me.

@AnObserverInThisDarkWorld

i doubt she genuinely thought that, given the OP was just a few minutes, had left her bag etc at the table. She was just being rude & ridiculous.

There is no 'poor woman' about the waitress. She just wanted to have a go at the OP.

@User1145

and how many of them are stranger kidnaps, in the U.K., in a cafe, sitting next to a woman & her kids?!?!?!

i predict exactly ZERO,but do feel free to link to any you can dredge up.

I still believe, unlike most on this thread it seems, that the vast majority of people in this world are decent and would not abduct my child the minute my back was turned.

I also believe that a NT 5 year old should be capable of sitting and waiting at a table for 5 minutes without falling over, cutting themselves, being hit by a meteor etc.

The level of anxiety and paranoia on this thread (and similar ones) makes me quite sad. I'm not a negligent parent. I might take a few more risks than others it seems.

I think it's actually healthy to allow a child to be given a small amount of responsibility at a young age. It's how they learn.

Leaving valuables is a bit silly however. Far more likely an opportunistic thief snatching a phone, than a child!

The OP asked for honest opinions and that I shared, you don't need to quote me and respond to anything. Enjoy your day!

I’m also apparently in the minority here. I have a very mature nearly 5yo who behaves very responsibly the vast majority of the time. He also has a baby brother (nearly 6mo) whom he adores and behaves very responsibly towards. You would all HATE me for what I did the other day. We were out and about in a well-to-do tourist town with a low crime rate (think e.g. Harrogate or Guildford or Bath, but none of those) a couple of weeks ago when said child decided he needed to pee. No way was I going to let him pee on the street so I headed for the tourist information office (already in our sights) thinking they would either have loos or be able to direct me to the nearest. As it happened there were public loos just outside. The gents were on one side of the tourist office and the ladies on the other. However, both were down a set of steps that I could not have accessed with the sleeping baby in the buggy. So I asked my son if he would be OK with going into the ladies’ toilet on his own and doing his pee there and he said yes (would never have sent him alone if he was not happy to go; he is very independent though and will happily sit on his own on public transport where I can see him, walk ahead of me on the pavement when outside etc. He is not a clingy child). I therefore stationed myself with the buggy at the top of the steps and told him there would be other mummies and children in there and that if anyone asked he was to tell them his mummy and baby brother were waiting for him outside. If anyone had e.g. attempted to abduct him from the toilets I would have seen as I was waiting right outside. As it was, he was back in under 2 minutes (…probably didn’t wash his hands 😛) and was thrilled to have had a little independence. This isn’t something I would routinely do (normally I always take him) but in this case it fitted the situation.

This is actually what worries me about this thread…the near-total lack of critical thinking and risk assessment based on the individual child, location and situation. This arguably has as far-reaching implications as not allowing children to develop independence does.

oh, and the Japanese seem fine:

https://www.bloomberg.com/news/articles/2015-09-28/in-japan-small-children-take-the-subway-and-run-errands-alone

As indeed, closer to home, do the Dutch:

https://dutchreview.com/expat/how-the-dutch-raise-kids/

I live in NL and you regularly see kids biking alone to school from age 10 or so, and playing out without an adult (in small groups of kids) from younger than that.

reasonable? what would you do if he didn't come back? if she choked? if a woman turned up and claimed to be the mother? if a different man turned up and said he was the father? If the child screamed out "stranger! stranger!" when you tried to speak to them? If the original man claimed you were trying to abduct his child? If the child had stolen property with them and was being followed by police? If the child had chicken pox or invisible infectious disease? If the management said the child had to leave the premises? If there was a fire alarm? if the child picked up a knife? If the child wet themselves or soiled themselves? If the child was stealing from other customers? If the child dropped and broke a plate? If the child fell and broke an arm? If the child was sick? If the child started crying? If the child came into contact with an allergen? If the child had an asthma attack? I could go on and on and on,

I think it is totally irresponsible to agree to this, or to ask anyone else to do it

Japanese children are expected to adhere to rigid behavioural standards from a young age, and Japan has a low crime rate.

The UK is somewhat different.

A lot of these could happen on playdates/trips out with DC and friends. Some are quite frankly fantastical. A very little bit of common sense would resolve most of them 🙄.

If the child had chicken pox or another infectious disease, for instance... well, no shit, my DC and I would probably catch it. Same as we would from an infected child running around in the soft play.