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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Left 5yo alone in a restaurant for 2 minutes

567 replies

Havanawinter · 16/08/2023 20:03

I was in a chain restaurant with DS today who is 5, 6 in November. After the waitress had taken our order I went to the loo, leaving DS happily colouring at the table. Before I left I told the woman at the table next to us (who had young children) that I was nipping to the loo and could she please keep half an eye on DS.

When I arrived back at the table literally 2 minutes later I was basically chastised by the waitress for leaving. “I didn’t know if you were coming back for him! I was so worried!” Which seems a bit far fetched considering I’d also left my phone, purse, keys and bag of shopping on the table. She huffed at me again and left, but I could see her taking to her colleagues across the room about it. That was the end of the whole thing but it left me feeling a bit weird, it never even occurred to me that I was doing something wrong but now I’m wondering if my behaviour was unreasonable? Honest opinions welcome!

OP posts:
fitzwilliamdarcy · 16/08/2023 23:32

meatbaseddessert · 16/08/2023 20:31

So the waitress was 'melodramatic', 'stupid', 'an idiot' and 'overreacted' according to PP

Clearly none of you have been wait staff and hold them beyond contempt.

Ive had this happen to me before when much younger and a waitress and it actually makes your blood run cold. You don't know where the parent is or indeed how long they intend to be gone. It puts the waitress in a compromising position because she knows that if anything happens to that child she and the restaurant will be blamed. She is now responsible for them whether you intended it or not.

She will therefore have to stop her other duties to ensure your child doesn't endanger themselves or get swiped causing her unnecessary stress and impacting in other patrons.

At least you could have told her (when she would have probably said no.. take child with you) or taken the kid with you.

Agree. Used to work in retail and parents used to leave kids there alone all the time. It was really, really scary having that kind of responsibility as an 18 year old.

I’m shocked that so many are calling the waitress names.

Timetochangegonzo · 16/08/2023 23:34

Agree. Used to work in retail and parents used to leave kids there alone all the time

and how many were abducted or fell off their chair and hit their heads?

Olive19741205 · 16/08/2023 23:36

DameCurlyBassey · 16/08/2023 23:19

I really don't want to scare people but many years ago I had conversations with at least three people which made me realise that there might be someone in your area who knows your habits; they know when you leave your house in the morning, what time you get back etc etc. So it wouldn't be a stretch for such a person to know that you are in the habit of leaving your child unattended - even for a few minutes. I know this sounds paranoid but it comes from conversations I had with people at neighbourhood events who related information to me about myself - they were total strangers.

A man once told me that when he was young he would see a girl he liked the look of and would start to follow her. He said that he had no intention of talking to her or anything and looking back as an older man he had no idea about why he did that.

I used to think that my mother was overly cautious and would laugh at her ideas about things like this, but an accumulation of experiences over the years have made me quite cautious too. That doesn't mean that I don't get on and do things or enjoy my life, but it does mean that I am aware of what's out there.

You're right, it does sound paranoid. The child wasn't unattended. Another adult was keeping an eye on him. There was also other adults there.

JanglingJack · 16/08/2023 23:36

Take your child, your keys, purse and phone and let the waitress know that you're popping to the loo and don't clear the table.

You're lucky your purse, phone etc was still there!

Xmasbaby11 · 16/08/2023 23:37

I wouldn’t leave a 5yo. Dd is 9 and I can leave her now but probably only in last year - and she’s v sensible.

Olive19741205 · 16/08/2023 23:39

HarrietJet · 16/08/2023 23:30

What was the other parent to do in those situations?

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Ah here now. WTAF is happening here tonight.

Dibbydoos · 16/08/2023 23:44

I would have letthe waiting staff know as well tge person on the next table. I think the waitress is over reacting, btw. If you need the loo you need the loo!

DameCurlyBassey · 16/08/2023 23:47

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When I was a very young child I once got lost and someone offered to help me. They turned out to be not very nice (not going to go into detail). On that occasion I was lucky. Nothing happened to me and I got away, but I was absolutely terrified for days. what are the odds that I should bump into such a person on that day? Experiences like that have opened my eyes to the sorts of people who live amongst us.

The point I was trying to make (probably not very well) is that there are some awful people out there and they are not people who just happen to be passing by, they are people who are quite calculatedly targeting certain places (like cafes) in the knowledge that people like OP do not take safety precautions.

I often think that what happened to the McCanns was not random or opportunist, but done by someone who had been watching them. The McCanns would not have been aware of that.

I've been followed a couple of times in broad daylight. I am definitely hyper vigilant because of past experiences but both times I made sure not to go straight home, the first time I turned and kind of confronted them (not directly but they knew that I'd seen them and stopped) and the second time I just stopped and talked to a woman who was gardening.

You obviously are lucky enough to live a life where you have never encountered this sort of thing and that's great. I hope you never have your innocence punctured.

Tantaijin · 16/08/2023 23:47

If a place is not safe or secure enough to leave my bag in the open unattended then I definitely wouldn’t be leaving my child there.

advicelast · 16/08/2023 23:47

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advicelast · 16/08/2023 23:47

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fitzwilliamdarcy · 16/08/2023 23:49

Timetochangegonzo · 16/08/2023 23:34

Agree. Used to work in retail and parents used to leave kids there alone all the time

and how many were abducted or fell off their chair and hit their heads?

Errr sorry didn’t realise that it’s OK to leave your kids for retail workers to look after because chances are they won’t get injured!

Tantaijin · 16/08/2023 23:49

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Not true.

If I’m at a restaurant with friends/family then I am perfectly happy leaving my bag/child there with them.

If I’m the only adult responsible then they both come with me!

DameCurlyBassey · 16/08/2023 23:53

Timetochangegonzo · 16/08/2023 23:11

2 minutes was all Robert Thompson and Jon Venables needed in a shopping centre during the day. It's unlikely but not impossible

Some people on here seriously need to understand risk analysis, this happened over 30 years ago and was an extreme situation - hence everyone remembering it and referencing it 30 years later.

Do you never get in a car? Or leave the house? Or actually leave bed? As more kids die in the home than anywhere.

Also what about if the child slipped off the chair and hit their head

oh fuck off!

From these kind of threads I really worry that we’re raising a nation of children that can’t look after themselves for a minute - then everyone complains how shit they are as adults

Also what about if the child slipped off the chair and hit their head.

Yes it seems far fetched. Until it happens to you. Things like this happen all the time. Ask at A&E.

Squarepegroundholee · 16/08/2023 23:55

PersephonePomegranate23 · 16/08/2023 20:14

I would have take my son with me and just told the waitress that we were nipping to the toilet and would be back. I would have left coats, colouring stuff on the table so other people knew someone was sitting there and just took my valuables with me.

This is what I've always done.

‘ just valuables’ I would say child is the highest valuable

SlippySarah · 16/08/2023 23:57

I've definitely left my DC at this age under similar circumstances but I would risk assess on an individual basis each time. Eg wouldn't leave a 5 year old alone in a busy pub but I would in a smaller cafe. I once left DS outside a cafe while I popped back inside to get some milk for my tea when he was about 2 or 3 and a seagull swooped down and stole his cake! I guess anything can happen.

Cucucucu · 16/08/2023 23:59

Make a complaint about her ! That will teach her to mind her own business!

Tailfeather · 17/08/2023 00:01

Oh dear. I knew this thread would end up like this! I think it also depends on the child. But I would happily do the same with my DS at 5 yo.

fuchiaknickers · 17/08/2023 00:01

No judgement from me, OP, as I am not a parent.

As a general comment though I find it fascinating that whenever anyone on mumsnet considers leaving their child alone for a while in a locked hotel room they are pretty much universally considered unreasonable, whereas quite a few people do not seem to bat an eyelid at leaving their child conspicuously alone in a public place.

SlippySarah · 17/08/2023 00:01

Squarepegroundholee · 16/08/2023 23:55

‘ just valuables’ I would say child is the highest valuable

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The actual likelihood of someone attempting to snatch or interfere with a 5 year old in cafe around other people is absolutely tiny, to the point of being almost non existent. But there are many, many people out there who would take a bag, purse or phone from an unattended table to the point where you could almost guarantee it in some places. The child is obviously more important but the risk of something happening is completely different.

JanglingJack · 17/08/2023 00:01

SlippySarah · 16/08/2023 23:57

I've definitely left my DC at this age under similar circumstances but I would risk assess on an individual basis each time. Eg wouldn't leave a 5 year old alone in a busy pub but I would in a smaller cafe. I once left DS outside a cafe while I popped back inside to get some milk for my tea when he was about 2 or 3 and a seagull swooped down and stole his cake! I guess anything can happen.

Leaving a 2 or 3 year old outside a shop whilst you go back in is way worse than what OP did.

Thank goodness he only got shat on by a seagull and didn't run off or into the road.

sillyuniforms · 17/08/2023 00:02

This is a child who goes to school. They play out. They can self entertain.
They are generally in a ratio of one adult to 30 kids in term time. They play in parks etc They prob play at home unsupervised all the time.
The level of paranoia about leaving a nearly 6 year old for 5 mins is staggering on here.

Olive19741205 · 17/08/2023 00:02

fuchiaknickers · 17/08/2023 00:01

No judgement from me, OP, as I am not a parent.

As a general comment though I find it fascinating that whenever anyone on mumsnet considers leaving their child alone for a while in a locked hotel room they are pretty much universally considered unreasonable, whereas quite a few people do not seem to bat an eyelid at leaving their child conspicuously alone in a public place.

The child wasn't alone though.

JanglingJack · 17/08/2023 00:04

JanglingJack · 17/08/2023 00:01

Leaving a 2 or 3 year old outside a shop whilst you go back in is way worse than what OP did.

Thank goodness he only got shat on by a seagull and didn't run off or into the road.

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Sorry, not shat on, but only had his cake nicked.

I was getting confused with the time a seagull shat in friends screwball ice-cream when we were 7 and her Mum just scooped it out 🤣

advicelast · 17/08/2023 00:04

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