Waiting to have children

[puffincarpet]

This is more of a question of opinion than an AIBU.

Women have a lot of plates to spin these days, balancing career, social life, family life, children. It's a lot, and women do bear the brunt of it all. Something has to slip for women, it doesn't usually for men. It is very challenging as often if you want to have children, your career does need to hit pause for a few years, or you battle on through and try and spin both plates at once (which can happen, but is tough). I wanted to open up with this because I am not criticising women that choose to wait to have children for any reason, whether they don't want kids yet, want to wait until they are older for career reasons, whether it is down to finances, support networks, childcare, whatever.

I think it is now more of a societal belief that having children below 30 is young. Not medically, just within society. So many people wait until they are 30+, going in to mid 30s, because they are told they are young. I am 30, expecting a baby, and being told I am a "young mum".

AIBU in thinking that people need to also take in to consideration the risks associated with becoming pregnant 35+ (including higher miscarriage risk, birth defect risk), as well as thinking about what happens if you don't get pregnant very easily?
TTC isn't a lightening quick process, it can take a while, and if you have complications or require fertility support, you might have a bit of a lengthy timeline ahead and at that age your body clock is ticking, whether we like it or not. I do know a few women that waited until they were in their mid 30s to start trying, because they felt like it was "the done thing nowadays", and in short they said they regret waiting as long as they did.

This is just an opinion thread. Ultimately it is up to every women what age they do want children, don't want children, there are so many things to consider including finances, support, and so on...but should people have more of an awareness of the full picture and possibilities, rather than society painting a picture of under 30s being young mums?

FWIW, the reason I am thinking about this this morning is that know of people that aren't planning on trying for children until they are in their mid - late thirties purely because they feel like they'd be classed as a young mum if they had children now. No other contributing factors, they have said they can afford a child, aren't bothered about taking time away from work. Want to be a mum, but don't want to be seen as a young mum. They're very open about this belief on social media too.

@puffincarpet can’t believe you’ve heard your a “young mum” at 30?! That’s a bit strange tbh as that isn’t young to have your first at all…. I wasn’t young or old having each of my babies at 28/30/32. Surprised if you are hearing that. Everyone’s situation is different but I do know of a good few friends of ours ( we are late 30’s) who are only starting now or even a few who are waiting at year or two (37/38 years old now) to ttc. I think that is a bit mad but each to their own tbh…
I think people also look so much younger now (all of our friends in their late 30’s could easily pass for late 20’s) and in a way this almost puts them in the mindset of a person much younger thinking of having kids in the future but the reality is their bodies are older.
We recently celebrated a friend’s 40th and they were talking about how after they finish the project on their house (it’s a big renovation) they’d like to start ttc , they are basically middle aged …

@donkra yes? I'm not saying it was a smart/good thing to do, and there were of course some problems, but in a different context we might have worked through them. In any case I'm happy with my new partner, but I don't know how life would have turned out otherwise. It would be incorrect for me to say "I only met DH at 31 so never had a chance before that".

I have a colleague who is married at 27 and he gets so much teasing from everyone in the office (London, professional servcies). If you haven't been in that kind of environment it's hard to understand. Maybe OP is from a similar area.

Or even your second baby @puffincarpet . I’ve never heard of people putting off ttc for fear of being called a young parent at 30!!

To be fair to OP I do recognise some of what she mentions, but it's likely as others said because of cost of the cost of living, the requirement to have 2 careers to support a family, and wanting to be established in them.
So social expectations changing is a side effect, not a cause, of women delaying having kids.
I had my first at 29, and there was quite some surprise in my work (city job) that I was having kids "so soon". I notice that most colleagues with kids the same age as mine are 5-10 years older than me.
If you go to uni, plus maybe a masters, you're only starting to work at 22 and late 20s/early thirties is a peak promotion time and taking time out can have long term impact to your career.

I harp on to younger relatives about not leaving it too long.

As you go through your thirties you really see the proportions of miscarriages and still births rise, it takes everyone longer and longer to get pregnant and there are so many more complications. It happened to me and and many friends and family. I know many women who wanted children and left it too late, and many who wanted more kids but only managed 1.

Biology isn't changing. We aren't really geared up for later and later pregnancy even if its what we want.

In the ideal world we will all be graduating from uni in our early 20s, by 25 we would have a great career, earn good money, but a semi detached house, and meet a person who loves us back, and on the same financial / career level. So then we can happily conceive at 25 for the first time, at 27 for the second, and be done with it before 30.
But life doesn't work that way.
Sometimes we have failed relationships. Sometimes we have crappy / poorly paid / not secured jobs. Or simply the ones that take more than 3/ 5 years to start earning more than min wage, or at least close to 30k a year. Some of us don't have parents nearby or any support network. Literally so many reasons!
Every single woman I know (in the UK at least) who had babies before 30 is either with a partner who earns massively more than her, or is simply on benefits.
My husband and I were on about 25k a year when we were 27 - how would we possibly be able to rent a modest flat and pay full time childcare? We wouldn't, unless we were claiming benefits. We didn't want to do that, as it was not fair on anyone. But obviously some people make different choices.
Also - the last few years was absolute shitshow because of Covid. We bought our modest 3 bed terrace when we turned 30, but then Covid happened, and I was furloughed for nearly 2 years (or as long as the scheme was running). Only a crazy person would bring new people into this world when their job security is questioned, and I imagine many women were in the same boat.
We literally can't win, and the worst part is that women are the ones telling other women about this magical "35" years of age cut off timing.

No choosing to wait so long deprives both children and grandparents of a long hopefully happy grandparental relationship, ask any child of older parents, it's no fun being parented by people of close to retirement age in your teens or parenting teens in your late 50's or early 60's. To suggest that your choices don't impact others is another facet of individualism.

As to what happened in earlier times, I think it was less of a choice, it was just " what you did" . Have you seen Educating Rita ? It's about this very issue.

Equally few men would get regular sex without being married, there was less " shopping around" and people settled down younger. I am no social historian but I think this was the case right up until the 90's. There was loads wrong with this model of course, it lends it's self to higher divorce rates for one thing.

Now I think there is enormous social pressure not to settle down too young but spend your twenties finding yourself and being free. There are 2 problems with this , one as we have discussed is the biological consequences of delayed parenthood, but it also gives men a free pass to repeatedly "trade down" sometimes wasting multiple womens' fertile years until they "feel ready". This only really became possible about 25 years ago ( think Charles in four Weddings) and he was under some pressure to marry in that movie.

Anyway enough of my ramblings. Good luck to all those ttc I hope you have successful healthy pregnancys whatever you age. I am off to bed.

it's no fun being parented by people of close to retirement age in your teens or parenting teens in your late 50's or early 60's.

yeah but todays young won't be retiring till closing to 70 ...

Now I think there is enormous social pressure not to settle down too young but spend your twenties finding yourself and being free.

logically the biggest issue is exorbitant housing costs.

I didn't experience any of that pressure but I simply wasn't interested in marriage or even a serious relationship in my early/mid 20's. I was focused on building my career which included working crazy long hours, I was happy with casual and no strings attached at that age.

I’ve never heard a 30 year old being described as a young mum and I don’t think people waiting is down to societal pressures. I think women are more free to do what they like and many are doing that while they’re still young enough to enjoy it before the pressures and constraints of having kids.

I think fertility is a lot more individual that we have been told

I think this is so true. I always thought that people having babies in their 40s had to be IVF but now I'm 41 and some friends are still having them and all are natural pregnancies.

It took me 2 months to get pregnant at almost 39 and I got pregnant on first month trying at 41. Strangely I struggled with infertility in my early 30s, same partner so we never knew why it was so hard and then became so easy!

This is total BS. My cousin is an obstetrician and she had her first at 33 and 2nd at 37. Her DH was 10 years older.

Do you realise how many years it takes for a Doctor to qualify?

It also isn't fun growing up with parents who have to scrimp and scrape financially because they decided to have children before they were financially secure.

That's how I grew up and it would never be a choice I would make for my own child. Having children younger makes that a more likely outcome.

Nursery is £2302 a month alone. Would've been so much harder in my 20's to financially provide for DC.

I was 35 and it happened first month for me too. First month trying at 36 so we'll see how it goes this time.

Middlelanehogger I agree with you and I have close friends that have used the same reasons (wanting to have years just them and their partner, wanting to watch a box set uninterrupted for another few years, wanting to go to bingo in the pub), it is their choice but will they beat themselves up if it doesn't happen when they hope it will, and they put things off for box sets and pub bingo?

Agree with the pp that said about pressure not to settle down either. I was married in my early 20s and everyone told me I shouldn't be settling, should experience other men or some weird stuff. I loved DH very much and still do, it was a strange perspective.

Not everyone wants children. But if it's important to you to have children then waiting for the perfect time may not be the best option. I had mine mid 20's, yes financially it was tough on one income for 8 years but I gave my kids the best start then went back to work. It meant not having certain things others consider important, eg we had one old car, rented for most of it, no gyms, payg phone, no pay tv or subscriptions (not as many options then admittedly), no holidays overseas (U.K. camping or went to my parents) ... it's possible then you go back to work

It's funny how the same experience is perceived differently. My parents were young and poor, I remember walking/ skipping and singing the 3 miles to Town holding my mother's hand ( she would have been about 29, I was 5 and we both had bags of energy) to save the bus fare, making biscuits at the kitchen table ( cheaper than buying them) and lots of porridge with brown sugar on top. Happy, happy memories. The only negative I remember is Mum crying when a red gas bill arrived, following a cold Winter (81?82?). But TBH those memories sustained me when I was a young mother on maternity leave, knowing it could be done well without much money. We are more comfortable now (despite me " ruining my career" by having a baby at 27) and I worry the DCs don't understand the value of money.

Your experience as lovely as it sounds won't be the norm though.

My sister had my nephew at 18, really supportive parents, still got to holiday, party etc but it wasn't the same. She missed my nephew when we went on holiday, she always said she couldn't just switch off like the rest of us. She didn't stay with the Dad either, nor did any of my friends who had babies in their teens. Most of the dad's eventually disappeared and had nothing to do with the DC.

The other thing is if you have a baby young you tend to meet someone later on, marry and want a family with them so end up doing it later too. My sister had another 2 in her 30s. All my friends ended up with at least an 8 year age gap.

Not happy memories at all for me, unfortunately.

Stressed parents, arguments over money, tears over bills, hiding when someone knocked on our door because chances are they wanted money etc.

I'm glad it's unlikely my DC will have to experience that.

My mum was only in her late 30's herself when DD arrived and was ecstatic to be a hands on "young and cool" gran. So... I got to party, travel, socialise, experience life AND change nappies and make packed lunches. My daughter got the benefit of being raised by a whole family and got their wealth of love and experience alongside mine, as I think it should be. It's done her wonders, and me. It takes a village, and all that.

That's lovely but wouldn't be the usual experience as most women in their late 30s would be working.

Also it's pointless talking about the past. It was much easier to get on the ladder even 5 yrs ago (although still hard), rents are now astronomical so just because someone has a baby at 25 & bought a house a few yrs later doesn't mean the majority could do that now.

It depends on your background. It's 30 years ago but both my own mother and my sixth form boyfriend's mum were clear that if I got pregnant they would give up work to look after the baby. I would do the same for Dd or Ds's girlfriend. I love babies I wouldn't want them to stop their education. It's not so unusual.

The fact that you have the financial freedom to do this is mind blowing to me.

Send some cash my way, would you?

I’ve never considered 30 as being a young mum, do you really consider 30 to be a young mum?
I’ve always considered teens and early 20s to be young mums, definitely not 30. I’ve not heard of women waiting until late 30s as they don’t want to be an older mum, it’s due to relationship, financial & career reasons.