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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Waiting to have children

243 replies

puffincarpet · 16/08/2023 11:47

This is more of a question of opinion than an AIBU.

Women have a lot of plates to spin these days, balancing career, social life, family life, children. It's a lot, and women do bear the brunt of it all. Something has to slip for women, it doesn't usually for men. It is very challenging as often if you want to have children, your career does need to hit pause for a few years, or you battle on through and try and spin both plates at once (which can happen, but is tough). I wanted to open up with this because I am not criticising women that choose to wait to have children for any reason, whether they don't want kids yet, want to wait until they are older for career reasons, whether it is down to finances, support networks, childcare, whatever.

I think it is now more of a societal belief that having children below 30 is young. Not medically, just within society. So many people wait until they are 30+, going in to mid 30s, because they are told they are young. I am 30, expecting a baby, and being told I am a "young mum".

AIBU in thinking that people need to also take in to consideration the risks associated with becoming pregnant 35+ (including higher miscarriage risk, birth defect risk), as well as thinking about what happens if you don't get pregnant very easily?
TTC isn't a lightening quick process, it can take a while, and if you have complications or require fertility support, you might have a bit of a lengthy timeline ahead and at that age your body clock is ticking, whether we like it or not. I do know a few women that waited until they were in their mid 30s to start trying, because they felt like it was "the done thing nowadays", and in short they said they regret waiting as long as they did.

This is just an opinion thread. Ultimately it is up to every women what age they do want children, don't want children, there are so many things to consider including finances, support, and so on...but should people have more of an awareness of the full picture and possibilities, rather than society painting a picture of under 30s being young mums?

FWIW, the reason I am thinking about this this morning is that know of people that aren't planning on trying for children until they are in their mid - late thirties purely because they feel like they'd be classed as a young mum if they had children now. No other contributing factors, they have said they can afford a child, aren't bothered about taking time away from work. Want to be a mum, but don't want to be seen as a young mum. They're very open about this belief on social media too.

OP posts:
Greetingsfellows · 16/08/2023 23:00

We all have reasons for making the decisions that we make. If people really want children and choose to have them later in life, that is entirely their choice. However, I don't think there's the need for you to say people aren't conscious of the risks. If you're making the choice to delay having children, looking at the implications of that delay is sensible. It can still be an informed choice despite knowing there are risks that it might take time/not happen/lead to issues with the baby.

lovewoola · 16/08/2023 23:00

I think it would be unusual to give up work in your 30s to look after gc. You may need to work & you could still have your own young dc to look after.

I had lots of help but parents were all retired.

30 yrs ago was another world. I mean 38 yrs ago my parents bought their 2nd home for 50k on one salary. House costs about 1.8m now.

Murrain · 16/08/2023 23:01

puffincarpet · 16/08/2023 18:26

You sound very keen to reassure yourself you made the right choice having children earlier than some other women.

Ha, I had children earlier because of my fertility issues, but thanks love. My understanding of fertility issues is EXACTLY the reason I worry about so many people waiting without knowing the full picture of how long things can take.

We know, thank you. Having all our marbles, some of us just decide to prioritise other stuff, and take the risk of not being able to have a child.

Saoirse82 · 16/08/2023 23:07

@Goldencup my mum had me at 37, she's 79 now does daily yoga, has a home gym and lifts weights daily. She is by far and has always been the most health conscious and fittest of all my friends mums. My Dad was 36, he's 78 now, nowhere near into fitness like my Mum but still very active.

DHs Mum had him at 17, she's still in her 50s and has to take my mums arm for support when they are out together.

My parents were well off professionals by the time I was born. DH is damaged by his upbringing, his mum tried her best but thet were poor and his Dad didn't stick around. He's had depression on and off his whole adult life whereas I've never had any mental health issues.

It's crazy that you're suggesting to have kids while you're poor and aren't ready, we have enough fucked up adults in the world without more people bringing kids into fucked up situations.

Middlelanehogger · 16/08/2023 23:08

This thread has actually made me feel a bit more hopeful because it's made me realise that the pressure I perceive in my particular circumstances (bubble) is definitely not universal. I'm glad there are still places where having a kid at 28 isn't seen as verging on teen motherhood :)

MrsMorrisey · 16/08/2023 23:28

Well sometimes you have to wait because you haven't met the father yet. I didn't until I was 30.

It's so full on for women. You can't have it all. It's a myth. It stresses the
shit out of us and something always ends up not getting done properly.
I suppose we just have to decide what that thing is that we are willing to compromise on.

MyInduction · 17/08/2023 01:26

I'm glad I was 26 when I fell pregnant. If I had waited until my 30s to get my fertility checked out the I might not have had my baby. Doctors discovered than I had ovulation issues and endo.

I don't think mid-20s to early 30s is young. I think this is a standard age to get pregnant. Any younger than this is a younger mum and any older is an older mum. I have a great degree and built up savings from my dream career but it seems that many women on this site like to infanfilise mothers under 30 for some strange reason.

Goldencup · 17/08/2023 06:08

Saoirse82 · 16/08/2023 23:07

@Goldencup my mum had me at 37, she's 79 now does daily yoga, has a home gym and lifts weights daily. She is by far and has always been the most health conscious and fittest of all my friends mums. My Dad was 36, he's 78 now, nowhere near into fitness like my Mum but still very active.

DHs Mum had him at 17, she's still in her 50s and has to take my mums arm for support when they are out together.

My parents were well off professionals by the time I was born. DH is damaged by his upbringing, his mum tried her best but thet were poor and his Dad didn't stick around. He's had depression on and off his whole adult life whereas I've never had any mental health issues.

It's crazy that you're suggesting to have kids while you're poor and aren't ready, we have enough fucked up adults in the world without more people bringing kids into fucked up situations.

My DM is 74 and very similar. My DS is 19 he has had an active grandmother for 19 years. DH's DM is less active. Nor sure what your point is ? Lots of 70 year olds are in good health, a few 50yo aren't. I think the ideal timing is to have your DCs when your parents have paid off their mortgage and/ or retired. As someone pointed out that is or at least will be much later than it was and sadly life expentency is falling . As someone upthread said we are lucky in that we have always been able to manage on one salary. Though to be fair we have made choices to enable that ( we bought in less trendy areas).

Original poster
puffincarpet · 17/08/2023 07:20

It's crazy that you're suggesting to have kids while you're poor and aren't ready, we have enough fucked up adults in the world without more people bringing kids into fucked up situations.

That hasn't been suggested at any point during this thread.

OP posts:
Newmumatlast · 17/08/2023 07:23

puffincarpet · 16/08/2023 11:47

This is more of a question of opinion than an AIBU.

Women have a lot of plates to spin these days, balancing career, social life, family life, children. It's a lot, and women do bear the brunt of it all. Something has to slip for women, it doesn't usually for men. It is very challenging as often if you want to have children, your career does need to hit pause for a few years, or you battle on through and try and spin both plates at once (which can happen, but is tough). I wanted to open up with this because I am not criticising women that choose to wait to have children for any reason, whether they don't want kids yet, want to wait until they are older for career reasons, whether it is down to finances, support networks, childcare, whatever.

I think it is now more of a societal belief that having children below 30 is young. Not medically, just within society. So many people wait until they are 30+, going in to mid 30s, because they are told they are young. I am 30, expecting a baby, and being told I am a "young mum".

AIBU in thinking that people need to also take in to consideration the risks associated with becoming pregnant 35+ (including higher miscarriage risk, birth defect risk), as well as thinking about what happens if you don't get pregnant very easily?
TTC isn't a lightening quick process, it can take a while, and if you have complications or require fertility support, you might have a bit of a lengthy timeline ahead and at that age your body clock is ticking, whether we like it or not. I do know a few women that waited until they were in their mid 30s to start trying, because they felt like it was "the done thing nowadays", and in short they said they regret waiting as long as they did.

This is just an opinion thread. Ultimately it is up to every women what age they do want children, don't want children, there are so many things to consider including finances, support, and so on...but should people have more of an awareness of the full picture and possibilities, rather than society painting a picture of under 30s being young mums?

FWIW, the reason I am thinking about this this morning is that know of people that aren't planning on trying for children until they are in their mid - late thirties purely because they feel like they'd be classed as a young mum if they had children now. No other contributing factors, they have said they can afford a child, aren't bothered about taking time away from work. Want to be a mum, but don't want to be seen as a young mum. They're very open about this belief on social media too.

I am genuinely very very surprised that people of 30 are waiting because they don't want to be seen as a young mum. Statistically that's just wrong and anyone bright would understand that surely.

I do understand waiting until your ducks are in a row as I did. However the risk is that you may then need fertility treatment, as I did, and you may not be funded, as I wasn't (step child).

Original poster
puffincarpet · 17/08/2023 07:24

This thread has actually made me feel a bit more hopeful because it's made me realise that the pressure I perceive in my particular circumstances (bubble) is definitely not universal. I'm glad there are still places where having a kid at 28 isn't seen as verging on teen motherhood :)

Exactly my point. Our first was born when I was 27 and the general consensus is that I was a very young first time Mum. We were in a good position to have a child financially and own our home, which I am very grateful for as if we didn't work our asses off to buy when we did, we wouldn't be able to now, with the price of houses. I'm not suggesting that people have kids young and try to live off the state as people seem to be misinterpreting from this thread.

OP posts:
Robinhood47 · 17/08/2023 07:32

VeridicalVagabond · 16/08/2023 12:43

I had my daughter at 16 and despite being told every step of the way I was a fool for keeping her, I wouldn't change a thing about it. It was hard for sure and I couldn't have done it without family support, and I definitely don't recommend it as a typical choice. But I had boundless energy, endless patience, the ability to get by perfectly well on only 2-3 hours sleep, my body bounced back in months, and I had the engine power to raise her and keep studying and maintain my relationship and nurture my friendships at the same time. I definitely can't imagine doing it all now.

Now I see all my friends in their early-mid 30's having their first children and they just seem exhausted. Having to take long breaks in successful careers to child rear whereas I didn't start my career until the hardest baby years were behind me. While I'm 32 and helping my daughter with planning university, my best friend is 32 and agonising about sleepless nights and bleeding nipples. I feel like I've got a huge horizon of adult life right in front of me within the next few years that my peers won't experience until they're in their 50's.

There's a lot to be said for waiting to have kids until you're emotionally and financially secure, but I don't think enough is said about the benefits of having kids young either! In fact having kids in your 20's seems to be viciously judged on here when it was the norm not all that long ago.

But most children benefit more with a mother in her 30s than 16 year old.

Mother's maturity
Financial security.

The sleepless nights wont last forever.

Newmumatlast · 17/08/2023 07:32

Greetingsfellows · 16/08/2023 23:00

We all have reasons for making the decisions that we make. If people really want children and choose to have them later in life, that is entirely their choice. However, I don't think there's the need for you to say people aren't conscious of the risks. If you're making the choice to delay having children, looking at the implications of that delay is sensible. It can still be an informed choice despite knowing there are risks that it might take time/not happen/lead to issues with the baby.

Agree entirely with this. Yes some people nay be naive but I dont think intelligent people making these decisions are given enough credit. I weighed it up and decided I wanted to pursue my career and that meant more overall as I needed that for money and my own personal development and felt I'd be a better parent anyway if I felt personally satisfied. I wanted to have sorted out my mental health issues from past struggles. I also wanted more financial comfort for my kids. I knew it would be harder balancing kids with my career if I had them younger than if I had them a bit later at a time when i was a bit more senior and thus able to be more flexible. I understood the risks. Yes i didnt think it would take quite as long as it did but i was willing to risk not having kids at all because actually it isnt just about what i want it's about the life the kids will have and the parent they'll now have (a more fulfilled, confident, mentally stable mum).

lovewoola · 17/08/2023 07:36

As someone upthread said we are lucky in that we have always been able to manage on one salary. Though to be fair we have made choices to enable that ( we bought in less trendy areas).

The fact you bought yrs ago will have had more of an impact then avoiding trendy areas as even non trendy ones are prohibitively expensive now.

Naunet · 17/08/2023 07:39

and I think there are really important factors to consider around the choice to wait, including heightened risks or asking what happens if you don't get pregnant easily and have to join the long queue for fertility help

Don’t you think women know this? It isn’t anything new, pregnancy in women has been policed and judged in many ways for a very long time.
Women are aware already and are making their own choices. This isn’t news.

Hibiscrubbed · 17/08/2023 07:43

I don’t think you’re a young mum. Just someone pregnant who’s in her thirties. That’s pretty unremarkable.

I know it’s all-consuming for you currently, but other women’s decisions re pregnancy are their own, not really up for justification. And they make them because of circumstance, financial situation etc.

Goldencup · 17/08/2023 07:47

lovewoola · 17/08/2023 07:36

As someone upthread said we are lucky in that we have always been able to manage on one salary. Though to be fair we have made choices to enable that ( we bought in less trendy areas).

The fact you bought yrs ago will have had more of an impact then avoiding trendy areas as even non trendy ones are prohibitively expensive now.

My DB has just bought a 3 bedroom house for £180K in the NW it is possible.

lovewoola · 17/08/2023 07:48

Our first was born when I was 27 and the general consensus is that I was a very young first time Mum. We were in a good position to have a child financially and own our home,

Most people aren't on the ladder at 27 let alone mortgage free...

lovewoola · 17/08/2023 07:49

@Goldencup more anecdotes, Im talking statistically & statistically it's got harder....

lovewoola · 17/08/2023 07:54

I think the ideal timing is to have your DCs when your parents have paid off their mortgage and/ or retired.

Lots of people don't live near their parents or their parents have health issues, I don't understand why the above should be the main factor? Certainly in my part of London I'm lucky to have parents close but it's because I'm a Londoner. Not to mention many in London are 1st gen immigrants so parents could be in another country.

littleboymama · 17/08/2023 07:56

I can’t understand this obsession with worrying about when other people decide/can to have children.

There is always the “I’m so glad I had my child at 16 and can live my best life as my children will be teenagers when I’m 30 so I can enjoy myself” or “I’m so glad I had my children at 35 because I was financially secure and enjoyed my teenage years.

I think everyone’s circumstances are so different and most people (not all) will be glad that they had their children when they did because that’s their individual experience.

Also it’s not very black and white either, I had losses in my mid 20’s (finally had my son at 27) whereas there are woman having children at 40 plus who have never had a miscarriage.

At 27 I was the youngest in my antenatal group, but I still wouldn’t say 27 is a young mum. Not to offend you, but 30 is definitely not a young mum x

Panda89 · 17/08/2023 08:03

I was 26 and DH was 23 when we had our DD. I’ve never been referred to as a young mum, and don’t consider myself one.

Although since she started school I have noticed I am one of the youngest parents at drop off, that was quite surprising as I feel quite old now at 33 😂

Possimpible · 17/08/2023 08:10

Goldencup · 17/08/2023 07:47

My DB has just bought a 3 bedroom house for £180K in the NW it is possible.

Show quote history

£180k with a 10% deposit would be over 1k a month mortgage alone. Average salary would leave you with approx 1k left over (depending on where you live and if you contribute to a pension, could be £850). We could not live on one salary on this mortgage. Council tax, bills, food, dog food would wipe this out before we had any enjoyment in life. Maybe people who really want kids are willing to make this sacrifice. Lots of us aren't

Original poster
puffincarpet · 17/08/2023 08:33

Although since she started school I have noticed I am one of the youngest parents at drop off, that was quite surprising as I feel quite old now at 33

Yes I'm one of the younger parents at drop off too and I've always been surprised by it, most are 40+

OP posts:
Original poster
puffincarpet · 17/08/2023 08:34

For what it's worth I really don't think I'm a young Mum. I think having two children around 30 (or even one) is pretty standard. That's why it surprises me that I have been described as a young Mum...because 30 isn't young!

OP posts:
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