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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed my husband stole skin to skin time

552 replies

Hamiltondoesnthesitate · 16/08/2023 09:15

I’m probably being unreasonable, and happy to be told I am. I just can’t seem to shake this feeling of resentment that when our first daughter was born 5 years ago (yes, I have been known to bear a grudge!) my husband had most of the first 1hr of skin to skin time. I was a bit out of it on gas and air, but essentially I delivered our daughter and she was given to me by the midwife, I think I held her for about 5mins and then the midwives weighed/examined her. The midwife went to pass my daughter back to me but my husband intercepted and asked to hold her, he then sat away from me, unbuttoned his shirt and did skin to skin for about an hour.

I was still quite groggy from the gas and air, so didn’t really ask for her back until an hour or so, but I feel he should have at least offered to bring her to me or sat next to me, rather than sit far away in a corner with her?! I didn’t attempt to breastfeed until an hour after she was born, I struggled a bit and couldn’t get her to latch on until a few days after she was born.

These feelings were stirred up again when I had our second daughter. Before she was born, I explained to my husband that I wanted to have skin to skin immediately after the birth for 30mins and also attempt to get her to latch on in that time. I said I was happy for him to hold her in that time, but not to take her to the other side of the room for an hour like last time! Anyway I ended up having an emergency c-section. The doctor took the baby to be checked over immediately after delivery. As they were removing the placenta, I noticed my husband start to unbutton his shirt. The midwife picked up the baby and started walking towards me, my husband, shirt unbuttoned, stood in her way with outstretched arms as if to take the baby! The midwife ignored him and placed the baby on my chest, and she stayed there until they had sewn me up etc, she was even able to latch on. But I have a niggling resentment that my husband intended to disregard my wishes, and just do what he wanted!

I know I should be/am grateful for 2 healthy daughters. I just feel that my husband intentionally wants to cut me out/not include me in many ways - but it started at day 1 from each of their births.

Sorry that was long, thank you if you reached the end!

OP posts:
monsteramunch · 17/08/2023 20:57

timberho · 17/08/2023 20:42

TLDR but has anyone suggested this is not a big deal? I can't see any malice here, just a dad trying to do the whole NCT thing?

No malice? Have you read the subsequent post in which it's clear he is attempting to alienate OP and her daughters from one another and behaving in a deeply concerning way?

For those asking how he excludes me, it's hard to verbalise, and I sound unreasonable and silly with these complaints. But it can be tiny things like walking very far ahead of me with our eldest, and not stopping to wait for me/our youngest when we (very rarely) go out as a family, or stopping conversations/playing when I walk into a room and saying "we will wait for mummy to leave before we continue talking/playing". Put really simplistically, my husband's idea of family life is that either he or I spend time with the kids separately, but he does not want all 4 of us to be engaged in an activity at the same time - he finds it stressful and overwhelming. Ideally he would prefer all activities with just him and one of the children.

Catastrophejane · 17/08/2023 20:58

his behaviour is very strange.

My ex was very controlling and the entire birth was about him and his child.

GabriellaFaith · 17/08/2023 21:04

I actually wanted my husband to be the first to hold both our girls, because I felt like I had already had them for over 9 months and they would already recognise my voice etc.

So I at first thought yes you are being unreasonable, he has no less right than you to hold her and if you were groggy etc he was probably trying to be kind.

However! You opened up and told him how you felt, I assume he agreed, then when you were at your most vulnerable, he directly went against it, and this is not right at all and actually made me quite angry towards him!

You must speak to him. You cannot bottle it up for years again. The resentment will just grow if nothing else.

truthhurts23 · 17/08/2023 21:05

I think the second time he did it disturbs me the most, the first time 1 hour was too long , he sounds abit weird tbh

RandomMess · 17/08/2023 21:07

I agree with everything @WinterDeWinter wrote, it's really disturbing to read.

timesaretight · 17/08/2023 21:07

Is that all men? What has made you bitter about men?

Bonelly · 17/08/2023 21:12

Omg there are some really weird guys out there.

Piranhaha · 17/08/2023 21:14

When my daughter was born I wasn’t allowed to hold her for the first hour or so, because I was off my head on drugs and being stitched up at the same time, so they were scared I’d drop her. DH held her until I was taken back to the ward and propped up in bed, by which time I felt a lot better. It didn’t occur to me to mind?

Honestly I think you’re making a big deal out of nothing. You were exhausted and drugged up, you admitted yourself you were groggy. Do you really think it was safe for you to hold a newborn? Why is it a problem if Dad held the baby first?

MavisMcMinty · 17/08/2023 21:20

You people are doing it deliberately now, surely? Reading only the first paragraph of the OP’s very first post, and racing to put your opinions on what a silly thing she’s being. At the very LEAST read all the OP’s posts first. Sweet zombie jeebus.

sodthesodoff · 17/08/2023 21:22

Piranhaha · 17/08/2023 21:14

When my daughter was born I wasn’t allowed to hold her for the first hour or so, because I was off my head on drugs and being stitched up at the same time, so they were scared I’d drop her. DH held her until I was taken back to the ward and propped up in bed, by which time I felt a lot better. It didn’t occur to me to mind?

Honestly I think you’re making a big deal out of nothing. You were exhausted and drugged up, you admitted yourself you were groggy. Do you really think it was safe for you to hold a newborn? Why is it a problem if Dad held the baby first?

Honestly you've read all of the ops posts and you think it's nothing?

You're okay with the parental alienation, the isolation of the eldest daughter and frankly grooming (emotional if not sexual) of her daughter?

InvestingMimi · 17/08/2023 21:22

loldollz · 16/08/2023 10:29

Yuck, your update makes him sound like a groomer.

I don't mean sexually specifically before everyone jumps on me. But grooming your eldest to have a special relationship with him and exclude others. It's creepy and yuck.

This. I’m worried for OP at best he’s splitting at worst grooming.

FedUpWithEverything123 · 17/08/2023 21:22

@MavisMcMinty i imagine it's because the thread was included in the mumsnet daily email - people are just reading the first post and hence giving ridiculous responses

MavisMcMinty · 17/08/2023 21:24

I don’t even think they read the whole of the first post!

babyproblems · 17/08/2023 21:25

I just feel that my husband intentionally wants to cut me out/not include me in many ways - but it started at day 1 from each of their births.

this says it all.
look at those other ways you feel left out and think about what’s going on here… your husband sounds arrogant and entitled. What’s in the marriage for you? I’d be doing some big thinking x

Makingsenseofnonsense · 17/08/2023 21:26

I wouldn't get over that.. he sounds so thoughtless and selfish..

Harmonypus · 17/08/2023 21:38

IMO you'd had both of the babies for the whole pregnancy, so why not let dad have the first cuddle?

Dillane · 17/08/2023 21:40

Piranhaha · 17/08/2023 21:14

When my daughter was born I wasn’t allowed to hold her for the first hour or so, because I was off my head on drugs and being stitched up at the same time, so they were scared I’d drop her. DH held her until I was taken back to the ward and propped up in bed, by which time I felt a lot better. It didn’t occur to me to mind?

Honestly I think you’re making a big deal out of nothing. You were exhausted and drugged up, you admitted yourself you were groggy. Do you really think it was safe for you to hold a newborn? Why is it a problem if Dad held the baby first?

Are you being deliberately obtuse, or have you missed the point of the OP’s post entirely? 🙄

Hollyisalrightactuallysorry · 17/08/2023 21:40

Harmonypus · 17/08/2023 21:38

IMO you'd had both of the babies for the whole pregnancy, so why not let dad have the first cuddle?

The OP has only posted 4 times so it really is worth on such a long thread at least reading her updates...

nothingcomestonothing · 17/08/2023 21:41

Harmonypus · 17/08/2023 21:38

IMO you'd had both of the babies for the whole pregnancy, so why not let dad have the first cuddle?

RTFT.

So many posters charging in to give their lukewarm take without even reading the OPs posts.

Hummingbird89 · 17/08/2023 21:47

Harmonypus · 17/08/2023 21:38

IMO you'd had both of the babies for the whole pregnancy, so why not let dad have the first cuddle?

Ah yes, she’s had the pleasure of the morning sickness, backache, constipation, haemorrhoids, blood tests, labour pains and birth- only fair he gets to enjoy that first newborn cuddle 🙄

antikkiti · 17/08/2023 21:55

Moroccanqueen · 16/08/2023 11:27

I’m clearly in the minority here but I really don’t see an issue with him doing skin to skin although I do agree that if you expressed your feelings then he should have listened to you though so was definitely a-bit careless with the second birth.

however are you sure it was malicious? Could he have just been really caught up in the moment and emotional? or is he like this in many aspects of the relationship?

You should read the OP's updates.

Harmonypus · 17/08/2023 21:59

The majority of threads have 20+ pages by the time I get to them and I'm not going to read the whole thing if I've got a simple 20 word answer.
By the time is for through the deliveries of my own DC, I'd have been glad if someone else had held them for a while rather than me being expected to hold them after everything is been through over all those previous months, and especially those last several hours.

Hummingbird89 · 17/08/2023 22:01

@Harmonypus at LEAST read the OPs posts? It’s very, very simple and takes five minutes. Pointless responding otherwise.

agonyau · 17/08/2023 22:04

I’m sorry to say your husband was way out of line, taking advantage of your naturally weakened position to grab what should have been YOUR moment, afterall YOU worked hard for it & deserved it, not him! Thank Gawd that 2nd midwife ignored him & gave baby to you - expect she’s had experience dealing with pushy/selfish dads before. I hope since then motherhood, overall, has been a rewarding and joyous experience for you.

LalaPaloosa · 17/08/2023 22:04

arethereanyleftatall · 16/08/2023 10:57

Ok op.

So, your husband is vile. A horrible selfish horrible man.

I think you already know this.

I think you need to start quietly working towards life without him.

I completely agree with this

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