To be annoyed my husband stole skin to skin time

[Hamiltondoesnthesitate]

I’m probably being unreasonable, and happy to be told I am. I just can’t seem to shake this feeling of resentment that when our first daughter was born 5 years ago (yes, I have been known to bear a grudge!) my husband had most of the first 1hr of skin to skin time. I was a bit out of it on gas and air, but essentially I delivered our daughter and she was given to me by the midwife, I think I held her for about 5mins and then the midwives weighed/examined her. The midwife went to pass my daughter back to me but my husband intercepted and asked to hold her, he then sat away from me, unbuttoned his shirt and did skin to skin for about an hour.

I was still quite groggy from the gas and air, so didn’t really ask for her back until an hour or so, but I feel he should have at least offered to bring her to me or sat next to me, rather than sit far away in a corner with her?! I didn’t attempt to breastfeed until an hour after she was born, I struggled a bit and couldn’t get her to latch on until a few days after she was born.

These feelings were stirred up again when I had our second daughter. Before she was born, I explained to my husband that I wanted to have skin to skin immediately after the birth for 30mins and also attempt to get her to latch on in that time. I said I was happy for him to hold her in that time, but not to take her to the other side of the room for an hour like last time! Anyway I ended up having an emergency c-section. The doctor took the baby to be checked over immediately after delivery. As they were removing the placenta, I noticed my husband start to unbutton his shirt. The midwife picked up the baby and started walking towards me, my husband, shirt unbuttoned, stood in her way with outstretched arms as if to take the baby! The midwife ignored him and placed the baby on my chest, and she stayed there until they had sewn me up etc, she was even able to latch on. But I have a niggling resentment that my husband intended to disregard my wishes, and just do what he wanted!

I know I should be/am grateful for 2 healthy daughters. I just feel that my husband intentionally wants to cut me out/not include me in many ways - but it started at day 1 from each of their births.

Sorry that was long, thank you if you reached the end!

Clearly there is a lot going on in this specific case and the point is not about the skin-to-skin per se.

I am astounded, however, by how much vitriol men get on MN. If they’re anything other than perfect it’s LTB straight away, usually because they don’t take enough of an interest in the children - and if they want to bond with their newborn child, which they will have been every bit as excited about as the mother and can’t wait to hold, then it’s an outrage and they ‘stole’ the moment. Crazy talk.

OP I had cesereans and honestly I think my DH was more worried about me than the babies, I mean he held them and he may even had skin to skin at one point but his biggest concern was me, was I ok. The babies he held but he held them near me, to my face, he let me kiss them. He kept asking me what I wanted.

What your H does is just really very wrong. Why does he try to exclude you, it doesn’t mean because that’s how his family was that’s how she should be? Very very strange behaviours. I’m sorry but I think you should be re-evaluating your relationship.

I agree with most posts on here - especially Hamiltondoesnthesitate - it’s not ok!

It has made my stomach turn too - sending you a virtual hug OP!! X

how is he when you are alone with him? X

And manipulating a child against mummy is ok? 🤷🏼‍♀️

I’m a social worker with more than 30 years experience. I was cross with him at your op but your updates made me go cold. This is very much grooming behaviour where one child is singled out to be Daddy’s special little girl and Mum and other child are excluded.
please keep a very close eye on your children. I would not leave this man alone with my child

There is something deeply, deeply creepy about a man demanding that a tiny powerless baby touches him in this utterly intimate way - 'gives herself to him first'. Others have mentioned, there is something fetishistic about it. It's fucking repulsive actually.

This is exactly what I felt when I read your posts, OP. Your DH's behaviour is at the very least psychologically abusive to you and your daughters. I think you can't forget what he did at the birth because, deep down, you understand that what he was doing was a huge red flag, and very wrong.

Is he close to his own mum or dad particularly? Could try phrasing it as they didn't even have skin to skin then, so how do you explain that? I hope he doesn't verbalise this in front of the daughters? It is odd that he is so fixated on it. Is he a bit thick and read a baby book at the time and is clinging onto something sciencey?

Sending hugs
yanbu

Yanbu. I love my son more than anything, as we all love our kids, but he sounds.... creepy.

The image of him unbuttoning his shirt in an operating theatre and walking towards the midwife gives me the ick. I wonder if the midwife felt the same way.

The best case scenario is that OP is married to a very selfish and insecure man. The worst case is much more sinister.

If he attaches that much importance to skin to skin at birth, then taking that from the mother is all the more a shitty thing to do.

What a strange, selfish, awful man.

OP please take this on board. I know you said you don’t have any fears on that front but his behaviour towards his daughters now is not normal

As entitled as joined a 20+ page thread without reading the OPs updates?

WLMummy He didn’t steal a moment he stole the first hours, sitting as far as possible away from the mother who had just given birth to her first child and not including her in this time and he continues to not include her when it comes to this child

Deeply disturbing behaviour.

YANBU, this whole situation sounds creepy! I don't understand why he needs you to leave the room before he continues playing/talking with his daughters. That alone makes alarm bells ring for me.

I would also be upset about the golden hour skin to skin being taken from you with your first daughter and attempted to be taken with your second!

Honestly, I don't know what i would do here, I wouldn't want to leave as I wouldn't want him having solo access to the children, it's a horrible situation.

OP you've a lot of good replies here. Note how even the posters who haven't RTFT and excuse his behaviour then come back and change what they say when they've RTFT.

You are being believed here and I'm adding to the chorus. I'm also 100% behind what winterdewinter posted. It's what I came to post.

In terms of moving forward, you need to implement a "no secrets, only surprises" rule with your DDs as of today. And keep repeating it. A surprise is a birthday present. A secret is when someone tells you not to tell mummy something. I told my kids that "It's our little secret" and "Don't tell mummy" and "We'll keep this just for us" were code words that meant "TELL MUMMY!" I would not say this in front of DH because he'll counter it the minute you leave the room. Your daughter may mention it to him anyway and he'll counter it. Never mind, keep saying it.

Also play the NSPCCs Pants song (it's on YouTube). The Pants song is fun and catchy! Sing it and dance around and clap (it's hard not to)!

Even if he's not a physically sexual predator these two things can help in other situations too. I also told mine that anybody wanting to touch their private parts (as named in the song) was a code to tell me too, or a teacher and me. Note, "code" is not "secret code"!

Those are things you can do immediately.

I would also start forcing time when you're all together instead of 1-on-1 time. If he gets upset by it because he's overwhelmed, tell him to take time off by himself to relax if he wants. You need to be inserting yourself all the time. It likely won't be comfortable. But reducing this 1-on-1 dynamic asap is essential. Have stock phrases ready that you want to be together, it's nice to all be together as a family etc. And don't back down.

At the moment I would not discuss any of this with him. He is selfish and manipulative (even if he has good sides too) and no doubt you'll be imagining it, he's only helping out, you don't want him to have a relationship with DD, you'll be accused of being unreasonable in multiple flavours. Simply start doing things differently, with a smile. If you suspect he'll get violent then don't do that, get out.

It's something you can start asap too but perhaps needs you to get your head around it all a bit more (re read winterdewinter's post and then read it again!). It can't come a day too soon though.

Ultimately, OP, this situation isn't healthy for any of you and you cannot allow yourself or the DC to be exposed to it. He's controlling, but there is control you need to take here.

Never forget what that midwife did, or how she did it. She went straight past him. No nonsense, no discussions, no pandering to his feelings, no worrying he might feel upset, no worrying she was being unkind. She focussed on what was best for your baby and just did it.

I'm sorry you're in this situation. None of the above is me implying any of this is your fault - it's most definitely not. His behaviour is not in the range of normal and that's not of your doing. He's systematically disempowering you as a mother. I want you to know there are ways of reclaiming some of that power to counter him. I am 100%. behind you, like I think everybody else on this thread is too.

I don’t want to repeat what’s already been said, but this is not normal dad behaviour. He seems obsessed with your eldest DD & this is not a healthy relationship at all. These manipulative, controlling, narcissistic bullying behaviours are very concerning. I worry that he’ll eventually turn your DD against you. Are you able to do things with your DDs without him being around, such as going to the park or baking cakes? Or does he have to be involved in everything? Please take care & talk to someone, maybe your GP? Show them this thread if it’s easier, but please protect yourself & your girls xxx

The skin to skin is about the bond with mother, ti stimulate breast feeding, regulate babies heartbeat etc. I can not understand any man who would take their child away from the mother at that very early stage. And the way he speaks to you in front of your children is just awful. I'd consider splitting this does not sound like a healthy relationship dynamic

You think you can hold a grudge? I've held mine for over thirty years!
My first baby I had planned section with G.A. He didn't come to the hospital until after the birth but the lovely midwife put our daughter in beside me, stayed to make sure that she was safe at all times and got her to latch on while I was still out for the count so, best of an unfortunate situation.
Second baby I went in for a "trial of labour" (sounds positively medieval) but ended up with an emergency section under G.A. This was our son. He took him and actually gave him a bottle of formula instead of asking for some help to get him to breast feed, despite knowing how much I valued what the lovely nurse had done the first time and how passionate I was re breast feeding. He hated me breast feeding, left the room or looked determinedly the other way whenever I did it, and never discussed it beyond remarking that he'd been bottle fed and he was fine. I was awake for the planned section of our third and final baby, another girl, so was able to establish feeding immediately, though there were other complications with her birth.
Fast forward thirty years, he's now my ex (of many years) and favours his one son over his two daughters. Always has done.
Your (d)h sounds a similar sort of character, sorry to say, OP.

In your professional opinion, what can she legally do to keep him away? Will her testimony alone in this situation to be enough to lead to, supervised visits only, for example?

I’ve never even heard of this skin to skin with men being involved! Is that a thing nowadays then?!! My daughter is now 27 but I too had an emergency C-section with anaesthetic so never got a look in until I came round and he had been holding her all that time. He always says that he got to hold her first which annoyed me with his gloating. I needn’t have worried though I left him when she was 18 as he’s a knob. My daughter and I are incredibly close and she’s never really had much time for her father as he’s a waste of space. But no you are not being unreasonable, personally I think that’s a selfish, unkind thing for him to do, twice even!

You are definitely not being unreasonable and I’m sorry this happened to you. Just reading your post made me feel sick in the pit of my stomach. I think a lot of women would be totally outraged if their partner behaved like that not just once, but twice!

I wonder if you’ve properly spoke to your husband about how this made you feel? If you’ve still got that lingering resentment from your first daughter’s birth for 5 years my suspicion is probably not. My advice would be talk to him and tell him exactly how you felt then and now that he disregarded your wishes. Perhaps he can explain why he did this. Marriage counseling would probably help you give you some space to talk things through together and address the other issues you eluded to.

I know how hard it is just after giving birth to express yourself, my (now ex-) husband chose to go on a driving lesson rather than pick me and his newborn daughter up from the hospital and take us home. I had to call a taxi and get a friend to help with my bags as I’d just had an emergency c-section. I still feel hurt about it. When he got home though I was just so exhausted and in need of comforting we just had a big hug and never spoke of it again until it was too late and the marriage was all but over. Feel blessed to have my daughter and life is good now, so never be afraid to speak your mind. It’s better to be open and honest.

I disagree, I don't blame OP at all for still being annoyed, it's not something she can just forget. As others have said, maybe the first DD he can be excused for, but not for attempting to do it again with the second. OP had specifically told him how she didn't want him to do that again. He's clearly a selfish pig.

This was my opinion too. Total get the 1st time just down to excitement and ignorance, but having expressed your wishes before the 2nd birth and to go against them is just appalling.

You are definitely not being unreasonable! I mean first time ok he might have been a bit overwhelmed etc and he might of worried he wouldn’t be able to form an attachment or something. He shouldn’t have taken the baby away from you though he should have stay with you!
second I mean seriously he was just going to go completely against your wishes! I’m so glad your midwife ignored him! Well done her!
I feel that he is not the type of man you can talk to about this without causing problems, I would either chat to a friend or a councillor to help you. Or if you really want to chat with him go for it!
Either way you are totally in your rights to feel this way! Xx

At risk of hijack, I really want to hear more about this ! Couldn’t agree more they need to realize they are not the protagonists for one day