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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed my husband stole skin to skin time

552 replies

Hamiltondoesnthesitate · 16/08/2023 09:15

I’m probably being unreasonable, and happy to be told I am. I just can’t seem to shake this feeling of resentment that when our first daughter was born 5 years ago (yes, I have been known to bear a grudge!) my husband had most of the first 1hr of skin to skin time. I was a bit out of it on gas and air, but essentially I delivered our daughter and she was given to me by the midwife, I think I held her for about 5mins and then the midwives weighed/examined her. The midwife went to pass my daughter back to me but my husband intercepted and asked to hold her, he then sat away from me, unbuttoned his shirt and did skin to skin for about an hour.

I was still quite groggy from the gas and air, so didn’t really ask for her back until an hour or so, but I feel he should have at least offered to bring her to me or sat next to me, rather than sit far away in a corner with her?! I didn’t attempt to breastfeed until an hour after she was born, I struggled a bit and couldn’t get her to latch on until a few days after she was born.

These feelings were stirred up again when I had our second daughter. Before she was born, I explained to my husband that I wanted to have skin to skin immediately after the birth for 30mins and also attempt to get her to latch on in that time. I said I was happy for him to hold her in that time, but not to take her to the other side of the room for an hour like last time! Anyway I ended up having an emergency c-section. The doctor took the baby to be checked over immediately after delivery. As they were removing the placenta, I noticed my husband start to unbutton his shirt. The midwife picked up the baby and started walking towards me, my husband, shirt unbuttoned, stood in her way with outstretched arms as if to take the baby! The midwife ignored him and placed the baby on my chest, and she stayed there until they had sewn me up etc, she was even able to latch on. But I have a niggling resentment that my husband intended to disregard my wishes, and just do what he wanted!

I know I should be/am grateful for 2 healthy daughters. I just feel that my husband intentionally wants to cut me out/not include me in many ways - but it started at day 1 from each of their births.

Sorry that was long, thank you if you reached the end!

OP posts:
ThereIbledit · 17/08/2023 19:23

Gosh. It's not often I feel sick to the pit of my stomach reading updates on here.

Sennelier1 · 17/08/2023 19:23

What others say, with the first baby they understand your husband was a bit overwhelmed? But WHY did he go and sit out of your reach then? I think your husband is weird. And also : he's untrustworthy because he would've done the same with your second daughter! So ... you had emergency C-section and instead of standing close to you and holding your hand he.... what? He unbuttons his shirt and moves out of your reach??? Please do nót have any more children with him.

DVL · 17/08/2023 19:28

Torn on this one but I’d say if you wanted to hold the baby you could have just asked him? I don’t even remember my first labour (precipitous labour = lots of adrenaline) and my second I could barley even hold the baby for shaking (even faster precipitous labour = lots more adrenaline). Husband held 2nd child for hours until I was ok - it is what it is.

We’ve carried and bonded with them for 9 months i kinda feel like its their turn too? Hasn’t made any difference to the bond between me and my kids.

PatrioticPenny743 · 17/08/2023 19:35

I'm afraid, you need to look closely at his behaviour now, the skin to skin thing is past, let it go, for your own sanity, but how he behaves now is a whole different level, to stop talking and verbally say its because you are there, is simply wrong, and you need to speak to someone professional and voice your concerns, firstly go to your GP and speak to him/her, and ask where you should go from here. The other thing I would do is arrange a visit to a family member or close friend, just you and the girls, get some clear headspace. No need to explain to him why, just a simple "sister invited me to stay with dc for a couple of days, for some girly time" honestly you need to take the girls and go away for a few days. This is very weird behaviour from your dh, and you need to get to the bottom of it. Good luck op. X

Busybeemumm · 17/08/2023 19:47

He keeps bringing up skin to skin as he knows it hurts you so this is emotional abuse. Just get out before he turns your daughters against you and then if you try to leave they will in turn blame you too and also emotionally abuse you as this is how they think their mother should be treated. This is domestic violence and you need help before he totally erodes your self esteem and then you feel helpless and unable to leave.

DandDoodlz67 · 17/08/2023 19:50

That’s awful I’m sad for you
So glad the midwife ignored him
has he said why he did that? Is he controlling in other ways?

Ticktockk · 17/08/2023 19:51

My husband had ages of skin to skin with our firstborn, and I’d only had her with me for a little while. But I was delighted - I’d had her for 9 months and already felt the strongest of bonds with her. The fact that he was creating his own bonds was really special.
However, your husband sounds kind of controlling and a bit odd.

sodthesodoff · 17/08/2023 19:52

DVL · 17/08/2023 19:28

Torn on this one but I’d say if you wanted to hold the baby you could have just asked him? I don’t even remember my first labour (precipitous labour = lots of adrenaline) and my second I could barley even hold the baby for shaking (even faster precipitous labour = lots more adrenaline). Husband held 2nd child for hours until I was ok - it is what it is.

We’ve carried and bonded with them for 9 months i kinda feel like its their turn too? Hasn’t made any difference to the bond between me and my kids.

Have you tried reading the whole thread?

Or have you read the ops updates and you stand by what you've said? If so you're just as disturbing as the ops husband.

Bugbabe1970 · 17/08/2023 19:59

Your H is a weirdo!

Hollyisalrightactuallysorry · 17/08/2023 20:18

Once again....

To be annoyed my husband stole skin to skin time
FedUpWithEverything123 · 17/08/2023 20:23

What @WinterDeWinter said. Exactly that.

I was going to say he sounds awful, creepy, asshole-ish - but Winter has explained it all exactly and in depth.

Blacknosugarplease · 17/08/2023 20:23

napody · 16/08/2023 09:34

The story about your first daughter I could imagine him just being a bit overwhelmed and not thinking to offer her back to you/thought you needed recovery time/didn't understand the connection to successful breastfeeding.
The second birth: my mouth fell open reading it. What a knob. Well done to that midwife 👏

This.

BorneoBound · 17/08/2023 20:26

Yanbu - I know how you feel but to a lesser degree. When DS was born he was taken to be checked over etc, and then for some reason the midwife gave Ds to my husband. It wasn't instigated by dh. I was gutted but too exhausted to mention it, and he was ds's parent too after all. I think they wanted Ds held while I got stitched up but even so just 5 minutes would have helped. As it turned out ds was having some laboured breathing and so after 10-15 minutes of their cuddles ds was taken to NICU. I was allowed a 20 second hold before he was taken away. I wasn't able to go with DS so I didn't get to hold my son for about 3 hours after his birth. We had difficulties breastfeeding and bonding and I always blamed these events to a degree. It wasn't DH's fault, but I still felt that resentment.
When dd was born I made sure we did things differently. She was born straight on to me and she latched pretty much straight away. Our bond was much much stronger in those early days.
I think if DH had repeated his behaviour for my second birth I would find it very hard to forgive. Did you question him about it at the time?

Mixedmixed · 17/08/2023 20:34

Quite simply, I could not be married to a man like this.

BooneyBeautiful · 17/08/2023 20:37

SiousieSoo · 16/08/2023 10:17

Something about this is really unsettling and weird. I can see why you held onto this for so long after your first birth. It just says so much that he tried to mimic your position by unbuttoning his shirt both times. Skin to skin time I thought was relevant to the mother as it invokes important hormones to stimulate breastfeeding and a connection. They are your babies you carried and you should have been front and centre of this. He has deprived you of something very primal and important to indulge his own weird sense of entitlement. It is honestly a bit strange and icky. I am sorry but I think you need to sit back and think carefully about who he is as I cannot see this is an isolated instance of his selfishness.

This. Am glad I am not the only one to think this is a bit icky.

WickedSerious · 17/08/2023 20:41

MavisMcMinty · 17/08/2023 19:12

The image of him ripping his shirt open and holding his arms out as the excellent second midwife dodges his attempted tackle for the second baby wouldn’t be out of place in a comedy show, although I appreciate this is not a funny situation.

I know what you mean.It's creepy and controlling but at the same time there are shades of one of those aftershave ads that make you go'huh'?

billy1966 · 17/08/2023 20:41

I can only imagine what the midwife thought when he started unbuttoning his shirt.

What an utter freak.

It's a wonder she didn't flag it there and then to SS.

I really hope the OP is busy getting professional advice.

timberho · 17/08/2023 20:42

TLDR but has anyone suggested this is not a big deal? I can't see any malice here, just a dad trying to do the whole NCT thing?

Hummingbird89 · 17/08/2023 20:44

timberho · 17/08/2023 20:42

TLDR but has anyone suggested this is not a big deal? I can't see any malice here, just a dad trying to do the whole NCT thing?

TLDR? Grow up.
Dont bother replying if you can’t be arsed reading the op and her follow up posts.

Bliss1221 · 17/08/2023 20:45

I dont think you are yanbu at all..5 sections here and babies have gone straight after check up onto my chest, my husband always sits next to us and is close but he hasnt even asked to have the baby i think he understands unspoken rule fir us its mum and baby time but he is there if i have vomited etc and needed hin to hold the baby for a bit.

timberho · 17/08/2023 20:49

Tbh, I find the posts where people find dad skin to skin 'icky' far more juvenile. Just suggesting that the OP might be getting some 'group think' on this one.

panko · 17/08/2023 20:50

Ltb

LittleMousewithcloggson · 17/08/2023 20:51

This is a huge deal op, despite what posters who obviously haven’t read your updates are saying.
The feelings and hold your husband has over your eldest daughter is not normal at all and to try to isolate you from her is unforgivable.
The fact he attributes the skin to skin contact as the reason they are close now, added to the fact he deliberately tried to stop you having that with your second child shows that he wanted to “own” both your children and has no regard for you . It’s not healthy.
it would definitely concern me what he might expect your daughter to do in the future to “prove” she loves him
I would also worry about what he might do when she has a boyfriend
I think I would be tempted to put a hidden camera somewhere and try to make the time to spend some time alone with your eldest to keep the lines of communication open
i might even consider talking to a counsellor/social worker for advice

BygoneDays · 17/08/2023 20:52

Leave him. That’s all these creatures understand.

Smineusername · 17/08/2023 20:55

It's parental alienation, by the sounds of it very conscious, calculated and deliberate, and you will be in grave grave danger if you split up or attempt to share custody in good faith with this man. It is grooming behaviour and could well have sexual intent. Honestly I would take the kids and run, as far away as you can, with no warning or explanation to somewhere he can't follow. I have seen this play out and you would not believe what damage a man like this can wreak. Please seek help from Women's Aid