Page 20 | To be annoyed my husband stole skin to skin time

Hamiltondoesnthesitate · 2023-08-16T08:15:14+00:00

I’m probably being unreasonable, and happy to be told I am. I just can’t seem to shake this feeling of resentment that when our first daughter was born 5 years ago (yes, I have been known to bear a grudge!) my husband had most of the first 1hr of skin to skin time. I was a bit out of it on gas and air, but essentially I delivered our daughter and she was given to me by the midwife, I think I held her for about 5mins and then the midwives weighed/examined her. The midwife went to pass my daughter back to me but my husband intercepted and asked to hold her, he then sat away from me, unbuttoned his shirt and did skin to skin for about an hour. I was still quite groggy from the gas and air, so didn’t really ask for her back until an hour or so, but I feel he should have at least offered to bring her to me or sat next to me, rather than sit far away in a corner with her?! I didn’t attempt to breastfeed until an hour after she was born, I struggled a bit and couldn’t get her to latch on until a few days after she was born. These feelings were stirred up again when I had our second daughter. Before she was born, I explained to my husband that I wanted to have skin to skin immediately after the birth for 30mins and also attempt to get her to latch on in that time. I said I was happy for him to hold her in that time, but not to take her to the other side of the room for an hour like last time! Anyway I ended up having an emergency c-section. The doctor took the baby to be checked over immediately after delivery. As they were removing the placenta, I noticed my husband start to unbutton his shirt. The midwife picked up the baby and started walking towards me, my husband, shirt unbuttoned, stood in her way with outstretched arms as if to take the baby! The midwife ignored him and placed the baby on my chest, and she stayed there until they had sewn me up etc, she was even able to latch on. But I have a niggling resentment that my husband intended to disregard my wishes, and just do what he wanted! I know I should be/am grateful for 2 healthy daughters. I just feel that my husband intentionally wants to cut me out/not include me in many ways - but it started at day 1 from each of their births. Sorry that was long, thank you if you reached the end!

sodthesodoff · 17/08/2023 22:09

Harmonypus · 17/08/2023 21:59

The majority of threads have 20+ pages by the time I get to them and I'm not going to read the whole thing if I've got a simple 20 word answer.
By the time is for through the deliveries of my own DC, I'd have been glad if someone else had held them for a while rather than me being expected to hold them after everything is been through over all those previous months, and especially those last several hours.

But your answer is no longer relevant. If you'd bothered to read at least the ops posts you'd know that.

We're talking about a deeply disturbing man with very controlling behaviour and possibly grooming his daughter.

But hey at least you got to have your say about your birth! Congrats.

ChateauMargaux · 17/08/2023 22:10

Get yourself on front of someone knowledgeable in birth and attachment and have your feelings heard.

Skin to skin is bemeficial to mother and baby for physiological reasons (contracting the uterus, stimulating breast milk production) and brain development / psychological reasons (developing the primary bonds which has been established in the womb, reducing the risk of post partum depression and developing primary attachment, which is always the mother)... if the mother is not available... then the father is the next best... but never an equal replacement.

Nanny0gg · 17/08/2023 22:12

Harmonypus · 17/08/2023 21:59

The majority of threads have 20+ pages by the time I get to them and I'm not going to read the whole thing if I've got a simple 20 word answer.
By the time is for through the deliveries of my own DC, I'd have been glad if someone else had held them for a while rather than me being expected to hold them after everything is been through over all those previous months, and especially those last several hours.

But the distressed OP has to read the whole thing? Even the answers that don't help her? How is that right?

Why can't you either read the OP's posts (very simple to do) or realise that 20+ pages in you're unlikely to have any great insight?

No. You want everyone to read your experience which actually has no bearing on the thread

Nanny0gg · 17/08/2023 22:13

Piranhaha · 17/08/2023 21:14

When my daughter was born I wasn’t allowed to hold her for the first hour or so, because I was off my head on drugs and being stitched up at the same time, so they were scared I’d drop her. DH held her until I was taken back to the ward and propped up in bed, by which time I felt a lot better. It didn’t occur to me to mind?

Honestly I think you’re making a big deal out of nothing. You were exhausted and drugged up, you admitted yourself you were groggy. Do you really think it was safe for you to hold a newborn? Why is it a problem if Dad held the baby first?

Have you read the OP's posts?

No? Clearly not.

Stef8 · 17/08/2023 22:13

Malificent1 · 17/08/2023 14:01

He could be excused the first birth as he was possibly overwhelmed, didn’t stop to think.

It’s outrageous that he tried to do it again after you’d specifically talked to him about it, and were lying completely helpless after an emergency csec.

It’s revolting that he blames his lack of closeness with his second daughter on being denied skin to skin when she was a brand new tiny baby, literally just birthed.

It’s incredibly wrong of him to actively try to drive a wedge between you and your eldest. “Let’s wait for mummy to leave…” is parental alienation, it’s creepy and he shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near children.

I hope you’re okay OP.

It’s outrageous that he tried to do it again after you’d specifically talked to him about it, and were lying completely helpless after an emergency csec.

I agree, especially having experienced an emergency C-section too. The feeling of a spinal block and total numbness really does make you feel completely helpless and therefore so vulnerable. Emotions are understandably heightened when you’re physically like this, I found. I was frantic wanting to know my baby was okay. So for him to use it as an opportunity to go against your wishes rather than making you feel calmer by ensuring your wishes were met and see that your baby was safe and well when in your arms is just awful.

staceyflack · 17/08/2023 22:15

If he's anything like my childrens dad (now my ex) assume he's a misogynist in the guise of a modern man. If he couldve owned the pregnancy and birth, he wouldve. Trust yourself and be very brave. I dont think he respects you. I'm sorry. Please dont let him bully you and steal your motherhood 💐

arethereanyleftatall · 17/08/2023 22:15

Harmonypus · 17/08/2023 21:59

The majority of threads have 20+ pages by the time I get to them and I'm not going to read the whole thing if I've got a simple 20 word answer.
By the time is for through the deliveries of my own DC, I'd have been glad if someone else had held them for a while rather than me being expected to hold them after everything is been through over all those previous months, and especially those last several hours.

Do you really think whatever you're going to say is that brilliant that it won't have been said already in those 20 pages? Or that the conversation/thread has had twists and turns in those 20 pages to render whatever you're going to say irrelevant.

I guess it's the posting equivalent of sitting round a dinner party waiting for your turn to speak, and taking the first bit of silence, and not listening to a word anyone else says. Pointless and rude.

LalaPaloosa · 17/08/2023 22:16

Smineusername · 17/08/2023 20:55

It's parental alienation, by the sounds of it very conscious, calculated and deliberate, and you will be in grave grave danger if you split up or attempt to share custody in good faith with this man. It is grooming behaviour and could well have sexual intent. Honestly I would take the kids and run, as far away as you can, with no warning or explanation to somewhere he can't follow. I have seen this play out and you would not believe what damage a man like this can wreak. Please seek help from Women's Aid

I have seen this play out too in another family. The Dad turned the eldest daughter and her mother against each other. He literally had them compete for his attention, saying to people that the mother was jealous of her daughter’s looks. He treated the eldest daughter like a wife. They would drive together in his car on holidays and the wife would follow in another car with the youngest kids. He and the eldest would stay in different cities together and go out in the evening alone while the mother stayed with the other two children. It was like Dad and eldest daughter were a couple with her walking around in her underwear in front of him. The wife divorced him and this daughter sided with her Dad (of course) and even moved into a one bedroom apartment with him before working on younger siblings to turn on their mother. None of her daughters talk to the mother now. I agree - take the girls and go where he can’t find you.

Stef8 · 17/08/2023 22:19

ChateauMargaux · 17/08/2023 22:10

Get yourself on front of someone knowledgeable in birth and attachment and have your feelings heard.

Skin to skin is bemeficial to mother and baby for physiological reasons (contracting the uterus, stimulating breast milk production) and brain development / psychological reasons (developing the primary bonds which has been established in the womb, reducing the risk of post partum depression and developing primary attachment, which is always the mother)... if the mother is not available... then the father is the next best... but never an equal replacement.

I also imagined how bewildering birth is for a newborn too and that the sound of their mother’s heartbeat, her voice and smell of the colostrum (like amniotic fluid) would obviously provide comfort.

Of course it’s not always possible for a mother and baby to have skin to skin (eg caesarean under general anaesthetic) before anyone tells me so but medical professionals usually (good ones) try to facilitate it as best as possible because of the benefits. I put it on my birth preferences and my midwife said “Well yes, of course.”

munner · 17/08/2023 22:21

He is a parent also, what entitlement ?

BygoneDays · 17/08/2023 22:36

LTB. It’s the only thing these disgusting creatures understand.

momonpurpose · 17/08/2023 22:39

billy1966 · 17/08/2023 20:41

I can only imagine what the midwife thought when he started unbuttoning his shirt.

What an utter freak.

It's a wonder she didn't flag it there and then to SS.

I really hope the OP is busy getting professional advice.

This! This man is not normal

Autumnismyfavouritetime · 17/08/2023 22:40

I just hope this isn’t for real tbh. The updates are really quite disturbing like some weird creepy film where the father wants to slowly push the mother out of her children’s lives and keep them all to himself. I feel really quite worried for those dc especially the eldest dd. It is a very unsettling read.

Harmonypus · 17/08/2023 22:43

@sodthesodoff

But hey at least you got to have your say about your birth! Congrats.

I didn't, I wanted someone else to hold them, I thought that was obvious

@Nanny0gg

But the distressed OP has to read the whole thing?

No she doesn't, no-one is 'forced' to read 20+ pages of drivel.

@arethereanyleftatall

Do you really think whatever you're going to say is that brilliant that it won't have been said already in those 20 pages?

No, I don't. I normally preface my comments with something along the lines of ... "I've only read the first page and don't want to read the remaining xxx pages, so some may have already said this but...'

Tonight, I couldn't be bothered to type that when I commented, my bad, I've ended up having to respond to others instead of leaving it at my one comment.

But as I've now had to make additional comments, who says that the mother has to get all the say in who gets to hold the baby first? It's the father's child too, plus, usually, the mother (if she works) will be on maternity leave for several months whilst the father (if he's lucky), will only get s few weeks to spend at home with the child. Many fathers aren't that interested in their kids and are happy to leave everything to the mother, so I'd say if they want to hold the child in the first hour or so, let them get on with it.

But that's just MY opinion and everyone is entitled to their own. Do I care if anyone disagrees with me? NO, and I'm drawing a line under my involvement with this thread, so I won't see anything anyone has to say about anything I've said, so there's really no point in any of you bothering!

Abouttimemum · 17/08/2023 22:43

There’s lots of weirdness to unravel here but the fact he uses the lack of skin to skin with DD2 as the reason they aren’t close stands out. That’s just utter bollocks. he’s using it as emotional abuse, and the long term impact on your two DDs on this situation will be dreadful.

When DS was born in EMCS I was in no position to hold him so he was given to my DH who held him up so I could see. Then he stopped breathing and thus forth was in an incubator for several weeks with minimal holding. I can confidently say this has made no difference to either of our bonds with him.

nolongersurprised · 17/08/2023 22:52

I wonder if the OP has misremembered some of it. A dad present at a C section would have been in scrubs, so nothing to unbutton. It’s not permitted to wear normal clothes in theatre.

Jacesmum1977 · 17/08/2023 22:52

RedHelenB · 16/08/2023 09:56

Is he a loving devoted father?

Is he a loving and devoted husband?

sodthesodoff · 17/08/2023 22:55

@Harmonypus what on earth are you on about? Yes you got to add your anecdote about your birth which bears no relevance to the thread at all.

Which if you'd read the bloody thread you'd know. But you didn't because you just wanted to add your little story in. Useless as it is.

Unless you have a handy anecdote about parental alienation or grooming up your sleeve?

Harmonypus · 17/08/2023 23:04

@sodthesodoff

I want going to come back to this thread but unfortunately i have, and on seeing your drivel felt I just have to add .... why don't you just do what you're name says?

sodthesodoff · 17/08/2023 23:08

Harmonypus · 17/08/2023 23:04

@sodthesodoff

I want going to come back to this thread but unfortunately i have, and on seeing your drivel felt I just have to add .... why don't you just do what you're name says?

Oooh the flouncer's flounced back!

But not to apologise for posting inane and irrelevant shite.

Oh well. Off you pop again!

Oioicaptain · 17/08/2023 23:12

I find it a bit odd that he has this focus on skin to skin bonding and reflects upon it and the closeness that it has or hasn't bought him. It's just all rather creepy and weird in a taking over kind of way. It's rather self absorbed and seems to be largely about him. It's a tad odd.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 17/08/2023 23:15

Harmonypus · 17/08/2023 22:43

@sodthesodoff

But hey at least you got to have your say about your birth! Congrats.

I didn't, I wanted someone else to hold them, I thought that was obvious

@Nanny0gg

But the distressed OP has to read the whole thing?

No she doesn't, no-one is 'forced' to read 20+ pages of drivel.

@arethereanyleftatall

Do you really think whatever you're going to say is that brilliant that it won't have been said already in those 20 pages?

No, I don't. I normally preface my comments with something along the lines of ... "I've only read the first page and don't want to read the remaining xxx pages, so some may have already said this but...'

Tonight, I couldn't be bothered to type that when I commented, my bad, I've ended up having to respond to others instead of leaving it at my one comment.

But as I've now had to make additional comments, who says that the mother has to get all the say in who gets to hold the baby first? It's the father's child too, plus, usually, the mother (if she works) will be on maternity leave for several months whilst the father (if he's lucky), will only get s few weeks to spend at home with the child. Many fathers aren't that interested in their kids and are happy to leave everything to the mother, so I'd say if they want to hold the child in the first hour or so, let them get on with it.

But that's just MY opinion and everyone is entitled to their own. Do I care if anyone disagrees with me? NO, and I'm drawing a line under my involvement with this thread, so I won't see anything anyone has to say about anything I've said, so there's really no point in any of you bothering!

It may be your opinion @Harmonypus but it's an uneducated one. There are multiple benefits for mum and baby to have skin to skin in that first hour. Uterus contracting, breastfeeding, so many others that have already been stated on this thread, that you have decided not to take the time to read.

You may think in your opinion that it's no big deal for a mum and baby not to have the golden hour, but it's an opinion that is ignorant to the benefits of doing so.

crowisland · 17/08/2023 23:16

Call him out on his bs, especially about his feeble excuse for lack of bonding with child 2. Get a good professional therapist who specialises in this to back you up. Basically he is claiming that, e.g., adoptive parents are incapable of bonding- absurd! And not evidence-based. Moreover, his psycho-emotional grooming of oldest daughter is SOOO toxic! Must be stopped asap- for her and your own future mental health. Leave the fucker- gaslighting manipulative creep

Lindyloo23 · 17/08/2023 23:26

OP this is emotional manipulation within the whole family.
He is actually weird for wanting skin on skin time with both babies the moment they were born, excluding you totally.
He is fundamentally selfish beyond belief.
I don’t believe this is sexual in any way but it speaks volumes about his own needs and insecurities.
As mentioned by someone else this will badly affect how both girls feel about themselves and relationships in the future.
I have a friend whose husband used to create this void in the family. He clung to the eldest daughter and chose to defend her against the mother when any discipline was needed. He took the daughter out without the mother etc and openly favoured her over her younger brother. Even when she left home and had a boyfriend he would message her constantly through the day and send her money without the mother’s knowledge. He has created an adult who has no self esteem and still clings to her father. This daughter is incapable of a healthy adult relationship of her own with a man.
The son feels rejected, confused and second best. He has massive mental health issues.
I am only mentioning this as I think you need to be aware of the long term damage this man might do.
He is clearly selfish beyond words and manipulative.
If you don’t want to separate then I strongly suggest a very good couple’s counsellor before this eats away at you and destroys your daughters.
Good luck

Ofcourseshecan · 17/08/2023 23:42

stopping conversations/playing when I walk into a room and saying "we will wait for mummy to leave before we continue talking/playing

This is unacceptable, OP.