who is being unreasonable? new job and children

[interestingly8]

Would like to keep this unbiased if possible.

Sarah and Ben have two children together and are separated. Ben is now married to Claire (B&C also now have young children of their own).

S&Bs children stay with B&C 2 nights one week and 3 the next currently. The week with 3 nights is over the weekend and the week with 2 is during the week.

Ben works, Claire is a SAHM and Sarah has been studying for the past number of years around her part time job.

Sarah has now qualified and is beginning a new job which will involve shift work meaning the her and Ben's children's normal contact schedule will need to change and follow Sarah's shift patterns rather than set days that they now have. This will inc upping contact to 3 nights every week whilst Sarah works. Ben is saying this is not possible as he's already arranged his work around the schedule they have had for years and cannot change this dependant on Sarah's shifts for that week. He has agreed to up contact to 3 nights per week but has said these must be set days.

Sarah has suggested Claire help if Ben is not around on one of the days, Claire has said no and agrees with Ben the contact schedule should remain the same as its what everyone has worked around for years Inc the children.

Who is being unreasonable?

Sarah for saying contact needs to follow her shifts instead of being set from now on and if Ben can't do that maybe Claire could help out. YANBU

Ben and Claire for insisting contact should follow the same schedule as normal and be set, not change week by week (although they do agree to up to 3 nights per week). YABU

But there’s nothing to suggest that Sarah wants Ben to have their children anything above the extra day she’s asking for. It’s perfectly possible that Sarah wants to have the children as much as possible and misses them like crazy when they’re with their dad.

Have you tried asking your employer for fixed shifts? Would this help at all?

Why should she resort to family close by ?! Or an au pair - which would come at significant costs. It’s the fathers responsibility to look after his children and have some sort of flexibility. I’m assuming she has accommodated his work for the last X amount of years considering this is part of his issue with the change of her work

Sarah is BU and is a massive CF. They are her children and she should look into alternative childcare if the original agreement doesn't work. Poor Ben and Claire...

Cant you and your ex look at a flexible childcare option for after school allowing your ex to collect the DC himself after work? I can see Clare’s point, and I’m not a step mum, it would make it nigh on impossible for her to have regular midweek plans for her own DC when working around a school run on a flexible schedule.

If Ben cannot change the schedule to accommodate Sarah's new job then it is definitely NOT Claire's job! Ben and Sarah need to fix this between them.

DS does shift work, I had never lived with anyone who has before and can now see how utterly awful it is.

I am afraid you cannot expect changes all the time with a shift schedule. It’s made me worry for DS ever having children. For those saying why does he not have the children 50/50, in that case no child maintenance is payable, is that correct?

If it is nursing you have trained for community nursing offers better and set hours in some posts. It’s what my niece has done because her partner does shift work and he is the bigger earner. People may say why should she have made that sacrifice but he earns just over double what she earns.

The kids should go to after school clubs and the dad should be more flexible on the days - pick them up after after school clubs and have them overnight then.

The kids benefit from their mum working more hours in a qualified job.

People seem to be missing that the ex arranged his work pattern to fit around contact. Not the other way around. Imagine in a few years time he says to the OP "I've changed my job. I now need you to have the children on different days." He would be told, rightly, that his childcare issues on his contact days are his problem. This is no different.

😂😂😂

What a story!

OP congratulations for retraining - that is such a huge achievement with 2 children.

You sound like a level headed, lovely lady who muddles along nicely with your ex's new family and I think you've only been guilty of being a little naïve going into this.

You say you were a SAHM so I guess you understand that not being able to plan things weeks ago, trips away, meet ups with friends etc isn't ideal, nor is dragging two toddlers along to school pick ups. So I completely understand Claire not wanting to do it as standard but it sounds like she's a decent enough woman that she'd step in if there was an emergency?

Some childminders look after children of shift workers and come to an arrangement monthly to pick up kids after school with little notice, Maybe it's worth asking around?

Exactly. He's upping his days to 6/14 almost 50/50 care and has rightly prioritised his job so he can see his children and now he's being called all kinds of names because whilst he's happy to accommodate change all he wants is consistency so he and more importantly the children know which house has them on which days.

FML. The two parents - not thing step parents - need to come to an agreement about what's best for the kids.

Playing "my job is more important than yours" is horseshit and probably part of why the first relationship broke down.

The man here has two families and needs to remember that he has responsibilities to them before his job.

Given the women are expected by him to make all the changes to their lives, it seems to be a good time for him to realise he can also change his working hours to benefit his kids. What a shock that he doesn't want to.

The ex is trying to improve the quality of life for both her and his children and it wouldn't kill him to step up and be a good parent to enable this.

Ben sounds like a shit parent if he can’t step up a little. Things change as do children’s needs. Presumably the extra money would benefit the children.

Claire is reasonable to not want to get involved.

Sorry Sarah but you're a CF.

You can't accept a job and expect 2 other adults to change their lives to accommodate it. These conversations should be had BEFORE applying for the job.

I think YANBU. It seems that the resident parent (and let's face it, it's almost always the woman) gets a raw deal when it comes to splitting childcare. If the NRP decided to move away/get a new job, the RP would just have to suck it up. PMSL at the idea the NRP would arrange childcare in that case. The NRP relies on the RP being the default parent wanting to do the best for the DC and not refusing to collect them from school on what we're previously the NRP's days. It's shit.

If it was set days then it would be different and if I was Claire I would happily pick up the slack but not when the days change.

I don’t think you’ve thought about this fully as changing shifts are very difficult for any parent.
What would happen if Claire got a job or they went away for a week - it would mean you not being able to work.

Why do the shifts change?
Can you ask if there’s any way you can get set shifts?
I know as a single parent I couldn’t have done this when my DD was young as the childminder would need to know in advance.

It’s not just about childcare. If the kids are with Sarah on Mon, Tue, Wed and she is working on these days, she will need additional childcare, sure. But if Thu, Fri, Sat are her non-working days, and the kids are with Ben, then Sarah doesn’t get to spend quality with the kids that week and more importantly, the kids don’t see their mum that week.

@yogasaurus

Wtf. There was no affair?

Why can’t the younger housekeeper/nanny/wife look after all the kids
Some posters cannot help but project their on bitterness onto threads.

No bitterness at all. Just having a bit of fun. 😂

Ex and I did not split just to any infidelity. He did not leave me for his current wife

Huge disappointment there for many of the posters replying to this thread.

It sounds like Ben is happy to change his times and number of days with the kids. He just wants predictability, which is not unreasonable. So Sarah, how about increasing Ben's time to 50, 60, 70% of care? You might end up paying him some child support but it would work better with your job.

Most people can’t just say to their boss that they need to leave early on various days next week and then change the days the following week.

Most jobs do not work like that.
So it would be Claire that has to collect her DSS, which she’s saying she can’t do.

Yes. In the current scenario the schedule has been organised to suit Ben's work pattern. Of course Ben doesn't want to change, he has had two women looking after his children as the default parent.

I'm amazed how many posters think that he shouldn't have to lift a finger to change on the grounds that he has already been facilitated by the women in his life and this gives him dibs for life.

Its no wonder so many mothers struggle to get back into the workplace when expectations of fathers are so low.

Then Sarah will have to do what Ben has already done for years and arrange her working hours around her days with the kids.

This is MN where men are the enemy to a good chunk of posters.
What else would you expect? 😄