who is being unreasonable? new job and children

[interestingly8]

Would like to keep this unbiased if possible.

Sarah and Ben have two children together and are separated. Ben is now married to Claire (B&C also now have young children of their own).

S&Bs children stay with B&C 2 nights one week and 3 the next currently. The week with 3 nights is over the weekend and the week with 2 is during the week.

Ben works, Claire is a SAHM and Sarah has been studying for the past number of years around her part time job.

Sarah has now qualified and is beginning a new job which will involve shift work meaning the her and Ben's children's normal contact schedule will need to change and follow Sarah's shift patterns rather than set days that they now have. This will inc upping contact to 3 nights every week whilst Sarah works. Ben is saying this is not possible as he's already arranged his work around the schedule they have had for years and cannot change this dependant on Sarah's shifts for that week. He has agreed to up contact to 3 nights per week but has said these must be set days.

Sarah has suggested Claire help if Ben is not around on one of the days, Claire has said no and agrees with Ben the contact schedule should remain the same as its what everyone has worked around for years Inc the children.

Who is being unreasonable?

Sarah for saying contact needs to follow her shifts instead of being set from now on and if Ben can't do that maybe Claire could help out. YANBU

Ben and Claire for insisting contact should follow the same schedule as normal and be set, not change week by week (although they do agree to up to 3 nights per week). YABU

The other issue with expecting Claire to do school runs is unless the 3 year old is going to the same school next year that wouldn’t be sustainable anyway.

Yeah I was thinking that Ben could then pick up so Claire isn't as impacted.

It depends on the after school club but ours serves dinner and you can pick up anytime from 5-6:30 and your kids will have been fed.

I think that the OP is probably Claire.

I recon that Sara is unreasonable for demanding it. But also that this is just one of the many ways in which women get screwed over by men in today's society. Sara presumably put her career on hold to facilitate Ben's career. He then buggered off leaving her with two very small children, and promptly started another family. Now Sara has finally worked her way to a job that would earn more, but she doesn't have the childcare because the person that SHE supported with childcare of their joint children when it was his turn is how busy supporting Claire and their new family.

Sure, it isn't Claire's fault and she should not be doing significant childcare. But I think that Ben should do everything in his power to facilitate the hours. And if whats being asked of Claire isn't full time childcare but the occasional school drop off, then Claire should do it.

OP I think you need to take Claire out if the equation and work out whether it can be done between you and Ben, including Ben being flexible about what he can do. If not then are there other jobs you can take which aren’t shift based, as it seems like this is the issue really? It won’t be that long until your kids can be left a bit on their own (maybe 5/6 years) and after that shift work seems much more do-able if Ben can’t help.

I do see Claire’s point, not knowing which days of the week you have to do pickup would have been a pain with 2 young kids, lots of activities I did with mine when they were little would have gone on too late to be at school by 3ish (which usually means stopping by 2.30ish latest, sooner if you need to feed a baby before the school run or travel to the school and park).

I think people should help each other, or at least accept that the lack of flexibility would probably end up being reciprocated and I can't imagine what their children would think in future if they found out, can't think it would do much for overall relationships.

Are you on a fiction writing course? This and your previous post is full of assumptions and fabricated scenarios.

Ben has said he'll have the children more time, but it needs to be set times which makes complete sense.

Ben and Claire can't run their lives based on Sarah's shift pattern

I agree with this. And if someone posted saying "my ex has a new job and he has asked me to rearrange our long-standing arrangements. I've agreed to have more days but he wants to also change from set days, to what he needs based on his shifts which aren't fixed so it would be different each week" they'd be told absolutely not, he needs to sort childcare for his days.

I cannot blame op's ex for saying no. It is good that he has agreed to have them 3 days (which he should) but I cannot blame the ex or new gf for wanting consistency. Shift work will not work for you op, so rather than putting others out you need to look for another job

Interesting update. I still think it’s unreasonable to ask Claire to do pick-ups on ever-changing days just because she’s a SAHM: what about her children’s schedule and activities? Everyone I know with two DC, including me, has a routine down to a fine art with a wall chart of who’s where, when, meals, stepchildren contact nights, bin day, commutes, the night you have a takeaway to manage everything else, the day you do all the beds – there are just too many moving cogs in family life to upend it weekly with two more children needing pickups and after-school snacks and whatever else on a changing schedule.

That said I fully suspect your ex is a bellend who’s got his life how he likes it and can’t see that accommodating your changes would mean for a better life for his children. Because presumably your new shift job pays better than working part time and studying?

Maybe Sarah and Ben could split the cost of wrap around care 50:50 (separate to maintenance) to allow them to both work? Then its up to Ben and Claire if they chose to pay their 50% with time or money.

It’s not realistic to expect Claire to do that unfortunately. Can you get an au pair? With no family help close by that’s the option everyone I know who does shift work has had to resort
to as there isn’t really another realistic option.

Basically it's a debate about how much the father actually wants to be with his children or how much it inconveniences him and his new partner. I think it is a bit distasteful that he's praised he wants them 3 days a week when they're his children.

@Flakey99

aww Hun, projection much?

I really don’t think it’s fair for you to rely on the ex wife for childcare. Because that’s what this is.

Sarah is BU. Claire is nothing to do with this scenario at all and Sarah is being ridiculous to think she is. It would be great if Ben could be a bit more accommodating but it just doesn't just work like that that Sarah snaps her fingers and everyone shifts about what they do.

I agree that the dad is being praised for generously agreeing to up his days 2 to 3, but Sarah is getting slated for expecting anyone other than her to do any parenting. People talk about double standards on here and it's absolutely true. As I said upthread, maybe Sarah should say she can no longer be the RP, leave them at Dad's and see them EOW. That's "standard" and perfectly acceptable for men.

Ben has been able to pursue his own career whilst two women facilitate it.

The current work schedule is already set up to suit his work patterns. Now because he has already had the advantage he gets to claim permanent "dibs" on a schedule to suit him whilst his ex was studying and had more flexibility?

If both parents are working then both need to share managing the childcare around work, including shifts. Increasing numbers of jobs have shift patterns or less predictable hours. If Ben isn't willing to share the practical load of juggling childcare and work then perhaps he could maintain the OP in perpetuity rather than her trying to work and improve her own lot. Or he could cover a higher proportion of childcare costs (if its even available).

So both need to share the overall childcare load. Ben has had years of women bearing the load of childcare for him, I see no reason why he can't share it in his turn.

I don't think that's the debate at all. Ben has offered to have the children more often, he just needs to know when so he can plan around the times he has the children. Not at all unreasonable. It would drive me nuts if I had no predictability in my life.

Even if Claire agreed to it and I was Claire, I'd just not be available on days I'd made plans. My life can't be on hold because of a changing roster. It's annoying enough planning things as a family when older kids living at home are on a roster.

Sorry but as the Sarah in this story YABU.

It's fair enough that visits will sometimes need to change if one of the DPs embarks on a new career, but the lack of set days and the fact you're expecting his DW to do most of the heavy lifting is unfair.

Imagine if Ben decided to change job to one with variable days and shifts and came to Sarah with a similar proposition, there would be outrage on here, so it's only fair that it's the same the other way round.

I don't think there's a clear cut right and wrong in this. I can see it from both sides and agree with what several different PPs have said.

What I would say is that Ben and Claire have made it clear (not entirely unreasonably) that they are not prepared to be flexible to facilitate Sarah's career and that should set the tone for relations going forward. Sarah should feel free to politely refuse to do them any favours going forward to the extent she doesn't actively want to do so.

Whoever is right or wrong, you are where you are and I would sit down with a black piece of paper and find a pragmatic solution of your own for your childcare days. As a secondary measure I would double check that Ben is paying what he should be paying you for currently doing 2/3 of the childcare.

People don't change. If your ex was unsupportive when you were together, then I'm afraid it's even less surprising that he is still so now. And I agree that for Claire to pick up the slack would impinge hugely on her time/schedule.

Hopefully in 4/5 years when your children are both more independent, you'll be able to progress your career in the way that you want.

If I were Ben and Claire, I'd prefer this situation to a shifting schedule. At least I know what is happening and when, and I can plan ahead.

Have you had a conversation with your employer about childcare and a bit more consistency in shifts. I.e ex has kids these days, is there any possibility of working my shifts out so that I can make sure I have childcare on other days if needed. You may be able to do I.e 3 long days which could make up your full working hours, this could be for example week 1 tues/weds/Thurs week 2 fri/sat/sun it might work for your employer as well.

100% !

Sarah should not expect the contact days to move around just to suit her shifts. However, it would be nice if they could come to an arrangement which suits them both.