who is being unreasonable? new job and children

[interestingly8]

Would like to keep this unbiased if possible.

Sarah and Ben have two children together and are separated. Ben is now married to Claire (B&C also now have young children of their own).

S&Bs children stay with B&C 2 nights one week and 3 the next currently. The week with 3 nights is over the weekend and the week with 2 is during the week.

Ben works, Claire is a SAHM and Sarah has been studying for the past number of years around her part time job.

Sarah has now qualified and is beginning a new job which will involve shift work meaning the her and Ben's children's normal contact schedule will need to change and follow Sarah's shift patterns rather than set days that they now have. This will inc upping contact to 3 nights every week whilst Sarah works. Ben is saying this is not possible as he's already arranged his work around the schedule they have had for years and cannot change this dependant on Sarah's shifts for that week. He has agreed to up contact to 3 nights per week but has said these must be set days.

Sarah has suggested Claire help if Ben is not around on one of the days, Claire has said no and agrees with Ben the contact schedule should remain the same as its what everyone has worked around for years Inc the children.

Who is being unreasonable?

Sarah for saying contact needs to follow her shifts instead of being set from now on and if Ben can't do that maybe Claire could help out. YANBU

Ben and Claire for insisting contact should follow the same schedule as normal and be set, not change week by week (although they do agree to up to 3 nights per week). YABU

When you see posters saying their ex husband can't have the kids because of a change in shift pattern / job - the comments are full of people saying it's his responsibility to sort childcare on his time - it's the exact same here. Contact doesn't need to follow someone's choice to study for an accept a job with shift patterns.

Ben has said he'll have the children more time, but it needs to be set times which makes complete sense.

Ben and Claire can't run their lives based on Sarah's shift pattern - the kids also need stability and to know which home they'll be in when, changing it every week isn't going to create a stable comfortable atmosphere. It also won't work for Ben and Claire to be unable to plan their own lives never knowing what's going on with the children being there or not.

I don’t think anyone is right or wrong.

its reasonable to want to change long standing agreements that no longer work with your work schedule but it’s also reasonable to want long standing childcare agreements to stay in place, particularly if you’ve changed your life to fit around those times/days.

The problem is how you go about finding childcare, I assume some of the childcare required will be overnight?

Also I have no issue with exes wife being a SAHM, I was when ours were tiny too and I understand that time can be precious and that it's not sitting around doing nothing.

I'm guessing Sarah is a nurse and if so it's pretty much impossible to get set shifts. She could go bank after a year and work around Ben but for her newly qualified year she would need some support.

So on the outset Sarah is being unreasonable expecting people to pander to her shifts...but

1. She probably doesn't have much choice
2. Her new qualification will allow her more earning potential and therefore a better life for the kids. That they had together.
3. The benefits of shift work are that you don't work 5 days a week. So if Ben had a little grace on giving some flexibility with the mother of his children it could work in his favour as she would have more opportunity to be at school events/do drop offs/help him if he ever needs it.
4. It's potentially not a long term problem.

Also people saying mum working shifts is bad for the children because its disrupting their routine is crazy. 90% of registered nurses in England are women and a lot of them will be mothers. Are we all creating unstable households and damaging our children's routine? I work my shifts in so I can do every drop off and pick up and be at every school event and every club and extra curricular activity and playmate my kids desire albeit often with very little sleep.

That does mean when the shoe’s on the other foot and Claire goes back to work, you don’t need to help them either. What career did you go into? Some like nhs / social care etc can get discounted wrap around care.

Wtf. There was no affair?

Why can’t the younger housekeeper/nanny/wife look after all the kids
Some posters cannot help but project their on bitterness onto threads.

But Ben is also being a bit unreasonable to say no, nothing can change: is Sarah supposed to stay part time forever and keep contact the way it is to facilitate her ex’s career and lifestyle? She’s presumably studied and taken this job to better her career, finances and lifestyle for the children’s sake, not for lols. Ben must be doing all right if he can afford four children, a SAHM and an ex working only part-time. Perhaps he can dip into that to help his ex improve her lot to his level.

Yup. Ben has been able to call all the shots, and frankly Claire knew she was marrying a man who had children. Claire might have to get used to being a more full time stepmom. Sarah has a right to enjoy the fruits of her labours, no, not say, oh well, I studied all that time for a more professional job, and so I need to give that up for Ben and Claire’s sake. That’s horse manure.

You've literally made half of this up and it isn't true.

100 percent agree.

This

Erm are you OK?!

I think it is perfectly fair for the father to ask for set days. An ever changing schedule is hard to manage and make plans around.

I too thought the OP was Sarah!

and frankly Claire knew she was marrying a man who had children

Yes, she knew she was marrying a man who had kids, I don’t think the marriage licence had a Free Childcare clause. But both PARENTS knew what they were signing up to when they had kids, being fully, legally responsible for them.

Maybe you should re-train too, as an author of fiction 🤣

Would Claire be more willing if the kids were in after school club so that she didn't have to be available at school pick up time?

This may not be practical but just wondered if it was an option. Ours will allow you to book on the day for slightly more.

I think Sarah is unreasonable. It's unreasonable to expect people to change their lives around an unpredictable schedule all the time. I agree with Ben that set days are necessary so that they can plan and have their own lives.

It's unreasonable to ask Claire to pick up the kids from school on an unpredictable schedule for the same reason. She needs to be able to plan and this might not work if she suddenly has to fit something else in. But that's often the lots of SAHMs. People assume they have nothing better to do, which is just not true.

I think Sarah should have three set nights a week with Ben and organise childcare for the nights that are hers. That's what working parents do if they can't be there.

Idk but amazed that there are 3 different spellings of Claire on the first page of this thread. Who knew it was so difficult?!

Shift work is hard in a two parent family. It is incompatible with single parenting unless you have a grandparent willing to take on a quasi parent role.

Sarah was massively unreasonable to retrain for a job that required shift work. As the other parent I would detest never being able to plan my life more than a roster ahead. And I would massively resent it if the roster was that of my partners ex!

This is what I thought. Sarah should never have even suggested this. B & C have already agreed to increasing days and I'm sure they're happy to do that, but I totally understand them wanting set days rather than not knowing when it will be.

Given your update I have to wonder is the finance no longer in the picture at all as in you've split with this person and at what stage did that happen as surely that would have been the time to look into alternative childcare arrangements rather than waiting until you'd qualified?

What are your shifts likely to look like going forward and what arrangement would work best for you and the children because it's totally reasonable for Ben and Claire to want a consistent arrangement and it's much fairer on the children.

Wouldn't after school club pick up be right on dinner time? That's a pain of a time to have to do that, especially with two very young children. If Ben can do it as the father, good on him, but Claire doesn't have to make her life more difficult.

@Flakey99 why are making shit up? There was no affair. Bitter much??

I cross posted, like many of us.

Op - your eldest is 11 and presumably secondary in September? I can tell you that they change within literally weeks of starting year 7. They will become independent overnight. Ok, you can't leave them overnight, but in a few short weeks, you won't have to worry about your eldest.

Sarah should have taken into account the shift work before starting studying and discussed with Ben then. It’s not fair that Ben should have to follow Sarah’s shift patterns, although he should take on more of the childcare on set days. Sarah will need to sort childcare around the set days.