who is being unreasonable? new job and children

[interestingly8]

Would like to keep this unbiased if possible.

Sarah and Ben have two children together and are separated. Ben is now married to Claire (B&C also now have young children of their own).

S&Bs children stay with B&C 2 nights one week and 3 the next currently. The week with 3 nights is over the weekend and the week with 2 is during the week.

Ben works, Claire is a SAHM and Sarah has been studying for the past number of years around her part time job.

Sarah has now qualified and is beginning a new job which will involve shift work meaning the her and Ben's children's normal contact schedule will need to change and follow Sarah's shift patterns rather than set days that they now have. This will inc upping contact to 3 nights every week whilst Sarah works. Ben is saying this is not possible as he's already arranged his work around the schedule they have had for years and cannot change this dependant on Sarah's shifts for that week. He has agreed to up contact to 3 nights per week but has said these must be set days.

Sarah has suggested Claire help if Ben is not around on one of the days, Claire has said no and agrees with Ben the contact schedule should remain the same as its what everyone has worked around for years Inc the children.

Who is being unreasonable?

Sarah for saying contact needs to follow her shifts instead of being set from now on and if Ben can't do that maybe Claire could help out. YANBU

Ben and Claire for insisting contact should follow the same schedule as normal and be set, not change week by week (although they do agree to up to 3 nights per week). YABU

What tosh!

Sorry, I forgot to ask you before I got married 🤷‍♀️

My dc’s best friend was ad hoc between dad and mum’s houses. She was always without books or kit and getting upset and penalty points. Flaky on activities - she’s missing Guides as she’s at dads tonight. I’ve gone to drop or pick up and ended up having to go to other house making us late - sorry I was supposed to be at dads, can we just stop at my mums my trainers are there. Mum and dad get on but logistical nightmare for a tween or teen.

He’s also not said nothing can change. He’s immediately agreed to an extra day and sounds like may agree to more if set schedule agreed.

There are so posters on this thread (not the OP) who no matter what the father did would find a way to make him out to be the work of the devil.

My parents tried to take an ad hoc approach when they divorced, it was an absolute pain, PE kits being left at the wrong house, cancelling clubs if it meant we couldn’t get back to one of the houses after, not being able to make future plans with friends, plus just the unpredictable nature of it all. Kids with divorced parents need routine.

Absolutely

But what difference does a 7 and 11 year old make to their week? I don't get it. She already has young children so just bring them along or look after them at home along with the other 2.

But I doubt they want to be dragged along to toddler playdates or sit around at soft play. They want to be picked up from a friend's, or driven to their sports club etc.

What would Sarah think if Ben was the one saying you've got to do more I'm changing my job?
Sarah decided on changing her job that means she sorts childcare.....why wasn't contact 50 50 in the first place did Sarah not want it or Ben?

Please don’t associate me with the poster who is spewing such crap!

a friend of mine has 4 DCs (youngest is now 10 - the oldest is 16 or 17) and when she and her DH split when the youngest was 5, they (fairly well off, though) rented a 2 bedroomed apartment close by, and the children stayed in the "family home" and they alternated weeks living either with the DCs or in the apartment.

When my friend married 2 years ago, her ex took over the apartment and she moved into a house not far away from the family home. They still alternate their weeks in the "family" home. Her husband has never stayed there (he also has no DC of his own, and they won't be having any more)

You need funds but that is the best set of kids of divorced parents i know - in terms of their living arrangements and stability of life, events etc.

Absolutely not at all. how long did it take Sarah to train for a new profession? Some jobs require shifts. That’s the way it is . After all these years, it seems unbelievable Ben would not realise there would have to be a change in arrangements. Is she supposed to toss all her hard work away? Sorry, unlike a lot of the mumsnet community, I don’t believe kids trump everything in an adult’s life. Kids can adapt to situations if they know they are loved and cared for.

Still think Ben can be more flexible here, and I do think he likes being large and in charge of his wife’s life and of course, his ex’s.

My guess is a lot of people would tell her to do it because the children come first, and mum comes last.

to be fair to both Ben and Sarah, she did have a plan. It fell through and there was no Plan B which is what they need to establish now.

And also plans C through J to cover every eventuality.

how long did it take Sarah to train for a new profession? Some jobs require shifts. That’s the way it is

Indeed which is why it’s bizarre that only now, after presumably years of study, when she has taken new job-is she thinking about the logistics of how it will work! I think Ben is being completely reasonable here-he’s immediately agreed to 3 nights and will accommodate changes if they are regular. Claire doesn’t have to accommodate anything-it’s not her problem.

My guess is a lot of people would say Ben is trying to continue to exert his control over you no way is it fair.....
But I was asking how fair Sarah would think it was to be told what she needs to do and to have her life changed to fit the ex's

Asking the guy to be more flexible is not making him out to be the work of the devil.

So you think it's fine for Sarah to effectively tell Claire she now has to look after her step kids so Sarah can change jobs or for Sarah to say to Ben you must give up your job to suit me because you now need to be my childcare?

Yep, not to mention childcare on Ben's days is Ben's problem.

If the roles were reversed there's no way would anyone say the ex wife was being unreasonable and should be more flexible.

But he had already worked his job around when he has the children. He has offered to have them one extra night a week. Both of them show a willingness to be flexible.

but being flexible doesn’t mean ignoring the other 6 people in the equation to make things work for 1.

tbh Ben probably has childcare covered on his days because his wife is a SAHM and there is no indication that she shuns the DCs in any way.

So that means, what is needed here is childcare for the shifts where Sarah can't manage childcare. I'm guessing that is really difficult (= impossible) when you have a flexible shift pattern. Especially when you are starting a new job and are new at it all.

Perhaps that childcare might be a combination of Ben and a childminder? so if it's not one of his early finish days, they go to childminder then he gets them from there? That means Ben might have the DCs more some weeks, to cover childcare for Sarah. Until Sarah is in a position to have more control over her working life?

She had a plan to take care of it. It didn’t work out. She needs some flexiblity for a while to get established. Things happen.

I suppose really, if it it so much trouble for Ben to do this, he can have the kids full time then and he and Claire can raise all the kids. Sarah can then get on with it and benefit from her education.

Claire married Ben knowing he had kids. People saying it isn’t her problem, well , it is. It is something all three have to figure out.

She's said that when she started this, she had a fiance who was ready to help.

It doesn’t sound like Sarah has communicated at all. It’s not for ex to guess.
It might be a role like occupational therapy where you might assume more regular day hours.
Within every job there’s different hours depending on role eg if you are a single parent solicitor you wouldn’t choose to be a criminal duty solicitor with police station call outs in the night you’d pick an office or wfh role.
If it was just temporary eg 6 months then I can apply for 9-5 roles with communication it might be doable.
But the absolute it’s my dream to work as x and everyone else should facilitate it doesn’t work if you have children.

so how do other people where one (preferably the mum so it's more like this scenario) handle it?

(i have no SDCs i wasn't a SDC myself and i have no connection to any of this. But it's a really interesting queston. Especially since from my reading of OPs posts, there isn't massive animosity or anything)

What if Sarah said, well, as I can’t get childcare whilst I work shifts, Ben and Claire, I now give you custody, and she walks off. Or if she says, we’ll do an 80/20. I’ll see the kids once a week. She could do that.

What I don’t understand is why no one here sees for a minute that training for a higher-waged profession and a little flexiblity would benefit everyone in the long run?