who is being unreasonable? new job and children

[interestingly8]

Would like to keep this unbiased if possible.

Sarah and Ben have two children together and are separated. Ben is now married to Claire (B&C also now have young children of their own).

S&Bs children stay with B&C 2 nights one week and 3 the next currently. The week with 3 nights is over the weekend and the week with 2 is during the week.

Ben works, Claire is a SAHM and Sarah has been studying for the past number of years around her part time job.

Sarah has now qualified and is beginning a new job which will involve shift work meaning the her and Ben's children's normal contact schedule will need to change and follow Sarah's shift patterns rather than set days that they now have. This will inc upping contact to 3 nights every week whilst Sarah works. Ben is saying this is not possible as he's already arranged his work around the schedule they have had for years and cannot change this dependant on Sarah's shifts for that week. He has agreed to up contact to 3 nights per week but has said these must be set days.

Sarah has suggested Claire help if Ben is not around on one of the days, Claire has said no and agrees with Ben the contact schedule should remain the same as its what everyone has worked around for years Inc the children.

Who is being unreasonable?

Sarah for saying contact needs to follow her shifts instead of being set from now on and if Ben can't do that maybe Claire could help out. YANBU

Ben and Claire for insisting contact should follow the same schedule as normal and be set, not change week by week (although they do agree to up to 3 nights per week). YABU

Again, it’s nothing to do with Claire. It’s for the children’s parents to sort out

Whilst a shock that would as others have already pointed out actually be easier as then Ben, Claire and the Children would have a clearer idea of where the children were on a regular basis. That solves the concerns that Ben and Claire currently have in that they don't mind having the children more but they need to know which days they will have them.

The organisation I work for has incredibly family-friendly policies (they've won awards for it) and are incredibly accommodating around flexible working requests and making temporary adjustments when people's circumstances require it.

I think even they would balk at someone wanting to change working arrangements regularly at short notice because someone's ex had a job where shift patterns were changed regularly and with little advance notice.

It wouldn't work on my team. I work in welfare rights, and no-one could represent a colleague's client at a tribunal without a lot of prep, they simply wouldn't be familiar enough with the case to give the client the best chance of success.

I really disagree with this. She is involved. She is the stepmum.

You don’t marry someone with kids without the expectation that someday, you might have to parent those kids, or that parenting schedule could change. Things happen. It is not the same as marrying someone without children whatsover. what would happen if Ben died? Would his kids go into care because it is nothing to do with her?

what would happen if Ben died? Would his kids go into care because it is nothing to do with her?

So many what ifs. 🙄

If Ben died the children would still have a mother.

Dad having children more may be best solution. They’ve not said no just we need set days.
He could then apply for new hours at work and Sarah would pay maintenance.
Sarah earning more makes no difference to Ben she’s his ex. The maintenance he pays if she is primary carer is same whether she’s on £20,000 or £40,000.
Thats what she’s not grasped. People cope with bring married to a shift worker as there are perks like higher salary, days off in week to do chores etc but Ben is seeing all the hassle of shift work and none of the perks.
For all he knows she could have been offered 9/5 role at £20,000 but has chosen night shifts at £30,000.

what would happen if Ben died?

Stay with their mum, presumably.

Claire hasn’t objected to the schedule changing.

Both Ben and Claire want it to be set days. Claire even said no to helping out because it’s not set days. Not, no to helping out at all.

Bens needs set days for work. Claire wants to be able to make plans in advance. They are willing to have the children more.

Why are you talking what happens if Ben dies for? If he does, they would stay with their mum.

If both parents died, many children wouldn’t go live with a step parent. They would live with another relative

So basically she gives up her children or has a means of supporting herself at a higher wage after many years of training (which in turn benefits her kids). Is that reasonable because Ben doesn’t want to be flexible? I don’t think so.

Right, but how long has he been gone? How long has the OP had to try to find a solution and discuss with the DH? When did she accept the job?

I’m guessing we will not know if she doesn’t bother to come back and answer any of the millions of questions.

Well if Ben died the realistic outcome would be that all children would reside full time with their own birth mother so I’m not sure what point you are trying to make

what would happen if Ben died?

The children would live with their mum. The step mum wouldn’t be suddenly expected to have custody or even be expected to have any sort of childcare responsibility towards them.

You don’t need to agree with it, doesn’t change the fact it’s true though.

A stepparent isn’t responsible for their stepchildren, and they’re not obliged to assume any role in providing childcare.

People can continue to do the whole what if and wow is Sarah act but honestly yes sometimes you can't do shit you want to do when you have kids that's crap but it's life. The Op may have started the training in good faith with a fiance who would pick up the slack but she doesn't have that now and so yes something has to give.

I’ll rephrase that. So you are telling me that if Ben and Sarah both passed away, you don’t think Claire should have to parent their children? Basically, if they aren’t your bio children, you don’t think you have responsibility for them. What if there was no relative taking them in. Would the expectation be that they then go into care?

That’s a lot of what ifs 😂.

Correct.

You're doing so much reaching here it's unreal. This has nothing to do with the OPs situation. Your constant what ifs are becoming more outrageous and pointless the more you post.

Claire wouldn’t have to accept custody. Technically, neither would Ben unless he wanted to. If that happened it would be up to Ben to sort it out, it wouldn’t fall on Claire’s shoulders unless she agreed to that.

You were the one that asked what would happen if she did give up the kids.

No one said she had to.

Yes sometimes people can’t do the job they want because they have kids. That’s just life.

Sarah didn’t have to train for this specific job. She could have trained for one that worked better anround the kids and increased the amount of days they are with their dad. And as soon as Sarah split with her fiancé, she could have spoke to Ben and Claire then.

Sarah’s career does not need to be Claire’s responsibility

Of course she wouldn’t have to parent the children.

Of course there would be a benefit to Ben. His children would have a much higher standard of living in their other house. There would only be no benefit to Ben if he's the sort of dad who doesn't care about his kids' wellbeing at all. If their mother has only been working part-time up until now, the household can hardly be rolling in it. It will be good for his kids to access a higher standard of living in their main home and that is clearly a benefit for any parent who cares about their child.

Of course, that benefit has to be weighed against other factors (availability/cost of flexible working for Ben etc) but that doesn't mean it's not a benefit to him.

Flexible doesn’t sum up the level of disruption that a varying last minute shift schedule imposes.
They are at the whim of Sarah and her manager.
No nights out, holidays, activities or hobbies planned more than a week or two ahead. It’s no way to live. Kids in a constant state of confusion.
Flexible is agreeing to swap occasionally or in an emergency.

And there it is. Again, mum comes last, kids come first, and men call the shots.

And people wonder why women do not have children as much anymore.