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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

who is being unreasonable? new job and children

692 replies

interestingly8 · 16/08/2023 07:27

Would like to keep this unbiased if possible.

Sarah and Ben have two children together and are separated. Ben is now married to Claire (B&C also now have young children of their own).

S&Bs children stay with B&C 2 nights one week and 3 the next currently. The week with 3 nights is over the weekend and the week with 2 is during the week.

Ben works, Claire is a SAHM and Sarah has been studying for the past number of years around her part time job.

Sarah has now qualified and is beginning a new job which will involve shift work meaning the her and Ben's children's normal contact schedule will need to change and follow Sarah's shift patterns rather than set days that they now have. This will inc upping contact to 3 nights every week whilst Sarah works. Ben is saying this is not possible as he's already arranged his work around the schedule they have had for years and cannot change this dependant on Sarah's shifts for that week. He has agreed to up contact to 3 nights per week but has said these must be set days.

Sarah has suggested Claire help if Ben is not around on one of the days, Claire has said no and agrees with Ben the contact schedule should remain the same as its what everyone has worked around for years Inc the children.

Who is being unreasonable?

Sarah for saying contact needs to follow her shifts instead of being set from now on and if Ben can't do that maybe Claire could help out. YANBU

Ben and Claire for insisting contact should follow the same schedule as normal and be set, not change week by week (although they do agree to up to 3 nights per week). YABU

OP posts:
Brefugee · 16/08/2023 14:27

fullbloom87 · 16/08/2023 14:26

@BarbieWorldFantastic

Yes she does. The marriage won't last because Claire will never lovingly accept Bens Kids as his own and as soon as they become teenagers and start to realise Claire isn't accepting of them as her own, the cracks will appear.

Moral of the story is don't marry someone with kids unless you're prepared to accept their children and all that comes with it.

@fullbloom87 stop it now. You are being utterly bloody ridiculous.

Whinge · 16/08/2023 14:28

fullbloom87 · 16/08/2023 14:26

@BarbieWorldFantastic

Yes she does. The marriage won't last because Claire will never lovingly accept Bens Kids as his own and as soon as they become teenagers and start to realise Claire isn't accepting of them as her own, the cracks will appear.

Moral of the story is don't marry someone with kids unless you're prepared to accept their children and all that comes with it.

I'm not sure what shitty experiences you've had, but the level of projection from you with regards to step parents is just off the scale.

Your situation is not the OP or Claire's situation, and trying to alter the facts and change the narrative to reflect something that doesn't exist is just becoming pointless derailing.

Caprisunny · 16/08/2023 14:28

fullbloom87 · 16/08/2023 14:23

@Brefugee
. Not all jobs work to a 9-5 schedule on set days. A lot of professions are required as an as and when basis. Especially in emergency healthcare. Sarahs career shouldn't be dictated to by her ex and his wife.

It’s not. It’s being dictate by the fact that she has kids.

Which is what happens when you have kids. Some jobs just can’t be done.

Why should Bens job and working hours be dictated to by Sarah’s job? Most of jobs don’t let you just change working hours on the basis of your ex.

Why should Claire only be able to make plans around Sarahs new career? That she trained for and carried on with knowing she would need this agreement from them, but not actually speaking to them sooner.

BarbieWorldFantastic · 16/08/2023 14:28

fullbloom87 · 16/08/2023 14:26

@BarbieWorldFantastic

Yes she does. The marriage won't last because Claire will never lovingly accept Bens Kids as his own and as soon as they become teenagers and start to realise Claire isn't accepting of them as her own, the cracks will appear.

Moral of the story is don't marry someone with kids unless you're prepared to accept their children and all that comes with it.

You like making up stuff up don’t you.

Iv been with my partner 14 years. His daughter is 15, I never do child care or any of that shit.

No cracks here. Claire doesn’t have to do anything for Sarah’s kids above being nice while they are in the house with the dad present.

fullbloom87 · 16/08/2023 14:28

yogasaurus · 16/08/2023 14:25

No ifs and buts, when you marry someone with kids who become a parent.

You keep posting this, but it’s not true. Step parent means you are married to someone who previously had children. Look it up in the dictionary. Any other responsibilities are worked out between the parties involved but you do not automatically become responsible for existing children when you marry. Many parents would not want this, for a start. Just because this is what you believe should be the case, does not make it true.

Not sure why you’ve turned this thread into a crusade against second wives, it’s nothing to do with Claire, as Op has agreed.

It may not be something you agree with but it's the right thing to do for the children.

Reading this thread I realise how Lucky my niece is to have her stepfather who has loved her unconditionally for 20 years as his own despite her already having a father.

fullbloom87 · 16/08/2023 14:30

@BarbieWorldFantastic

Lovely. You got together with someone with a 1 year old and you won't do babysitting or any of that 'crap'

You sound lovely and you stepdaughter is so lucky that her dad picked such a kind women.

Tinkerbyebye · 16/08/2023 14:30

Sarah needs to sort childcare for the shifts that need covering and not assume Ben will do it

Ponderingwindow · 16/08/2023 14:30

fullbloom87 · 16/08/2023 14:19

@BarbieWorldFantastic

But what difference does a 7 and 11 year old make to their week? I don't get it. She already has young children so just bring them along or look after them at home along with the other 2.
She knew Ben had kids so she agreed to take on the responsibility when she married him. What did she think would happen? She'd Marry him and give him a new family and he'd forget his other kids? What if Sarah fell ill? Would she put them in care on the days it didn't suit her?.

No ifs and buts, when you marry someone with kids who become a parent. Their kids don't get shoved out just because you're marrying their dad.

Do you just think the lives of the older children will stop and they will follow along quietly with whatever is planned for the younger children?

what about school pickup, activities, homework, friends? 7 & 11 year olds have calendars of their own.

Caprisunny · 16/08/2023 14:31

fullbloom87 · 16/08/2023 14:28

It may not be something you agree with but it's the right thing to do for the children.

Reading this thread I realise how Lucky my niece is to have her stepfather who has loved her unconditionally for 20 years as his own despite her already having a father.

Show quote history

How is it the right thing to do for the children?

Lots of kids would hate not having a set schedule. You have no clue what is best for the kids at all.

Sirzy · 16/08/2023 14:32

fullbloom87 · 16/08/2023 14:26

@BarbieWorldFantastic

Yes she does. The marriage won't last because Claire will never lovingly accept Bens Kids as his own and as soon as they become teenagers and start to realise Claire isn't accepting of them as her own, the cracks will appear.

Moral of the story is don't marry someone with kids unless you're prepared to accept their children and all that comes with it.

there is absolutely nothing to suggest Claire doesn’t fully accept her step children. Putting in boundaries for being on call childcare for there mother and time she needs it doesn’t mean she doesn’t care for them.

they have offered to have the children with the more but only if that is regular because that is best for all the children involved, and probably the father and step mother who have sorted work patterns around the children

notlucreziaborgia · 16/08/2023 14:36

fullbloom87 · 16/08/2023 14:19

@BarbieWorldFantastic

But what difference does a 7 and 11 year old make to their week? I don't get it. She already has young children so just bring them along or look after them at home along with the other 2.
She knew Ben had kids so she agreed to take on the responsibility when she married him. What did she think would happen? She'd Marry him and give him a new family and he'd forget his other kids? What if Sarah fell ill? Would she put them in care on the days it didn't suit her?.

No ifs and buts, when you marry someone with kids who become a parent. Their kids don't get shoved out just because you're marrying their dad.

You don’t have to get it, or like it. Again, no one needs your approval on this.

Repeatedly stomping your feet and saying she has responsibility isn’t going to somehow make it true. That’s wishful thinking on your part, and a complete denial of actual reality. She isn’t responsible for them, that’s just fact.

BarbieWorldFantastic · 16/08/2023 14:36

fullbloom87 · 16/08/2023 14:30

@BarbieWorldFantastic

Lovely. You got together with someone with a 1 year old and you won't do babysitting or any of that 'crap'

You sound lovely and you stepdaughter is so lucky that her dad picked such a kind women.

Better then picking a crack pot like you.

notlucreziaborgia · 16/08/2023 14:38

fullbloom87 · 16/08/2023 14:23

@Brefugee
. Not all jobs work to a 9-5 schedule on set days. A lot of professions are required as an as and when basis. Especially in emergency healthcare. Sarahs career shouldn't be dictated to by her ex and his wife.

Sarah’s career is being dictated by the responsibilities she has for her own children.

MeetMyCat · 16/08/2023 14:45

notlucreziaborgia · 16/08/2023 14:38

Sarah’s career is being dictated by the responsibilities she has for her own children.

Show quote history

This. And Sarah chose this career, night shift zoo keeper, or whatever it may be, knowing she had children.

Uptoyou34 · 16/08/2023 14:46

I'm just over here so thankful that @fullbloom87 is not my partner's ex wife because she would be a 'blooming' nightmare 😂

Dixiechickonhols · 16/08/2023 14:48

Lots of people would like to do different jobs but settle as they can’t make hours work for family life.
Dad may have stuck to his job as they allowed flexibility to finish early on his days with the children.
It sounds like Sarah has applied for job and only raised it when she’s got a start date.
If she’d discussed in advance and knew only set days would work then she could have looked for different roles.

fullbloom87 · 16/08/2023 14:49

@BarbieWorldFantastic

Keep telling yourself that Barbie

Brefugee · 16/08/2023 14:49

notlucreziaborgia · 16/08/2023 14:38

Sarah’s career is being dictated by the responsibilities she has for her own children.

Show quote history

well, tbh, Sara has been training for several years. This requirement for shiftwork has not come out of the blue (and to credit her here, she did think she had a plan)

it has, however, come out of the blue for her ex. So that's why i think Sara has a tad more of the responsibility to come up with some solutions that will suit them all, but so does Ben. And Ben's solutions need to take account of Claire's needs and wishes.

The first thing I'd suggest is that both Sarah and Ben speak to their employers and see how they might be able to give some stability to the shift pattern. Then they just need to work out a routine for access that suits the DCs and the adults (in that order) and get on with it.

howshouldibehave · 16/08/2023 14:50

fullbloom87 · 16/08/2023 14:26

@BarbieWorldFantastic

Yes she does. The marriage won't last because Claire will never lovingly accept Bens Kids as his own and as soon as they become teenagers and start to realise Claire isn't accepting of them as her own, the cracks will appear.

Moral of the story is don't marry someone with kids unless you're prepared to accept their children and all that comes with it.

What, like providing free and endless childcare for the ex wife at the expense of everything else you do?! Yeah, right!

fullbloom87 · 16/08/2023 14:51

@Uptoyou34

you wouldn't want to be my daughters step mum. They wouldn't like you either.

fullbloom87 · 16/08/2023 14:53

@howshouldibehave what part of don't marry a man who comes with baggage don't you get?

Jamtartforme · 16/08/2023 14:53

StaySpicy · 16/08/2023 07:32

I think probably Sarah. Shift work with no set pattern can be tricky in any family, let alone it impacting a family the worker doesn't even live with. I think it's better for everyone to know when the children are coming and going from week to week, rather than it constantly changing, especially the kids.

It's unfortunate for Sarah, but it's not Ben and Claire's job to facilitate childcare for her.

Agreed. My parents tried to take an ad hoc approach when they divorced, it was an absolute pain, PE kits being left at the wrong house, cancelling clubs if it meant we couldn’t get back to one of the houses after, not being able to make future plans with friends, plus just the unpredictable nature of it all. Kids with divorced parents need routine.

Uptoyou34 · 16/08/2023 14:58

fullbloom87 · 16/08/2023 14:53

@howshouldibehave what part of don't marry a man who comes with baggage don't you get?

I mean, I personally wouldn't refer to my step child as ' baggage' but each to their own, so maybe your daughter would like me @Uptoyou34 😘

Olive19741205 · 16/08/2023 14:58

fullbloom87 · 16/08/2023 14:15

@sweeneytoddsrazor

But if Claire isn't prepared to take on her stepchildren who are also her children's siblings unless Ben is around then I highly doubt she'll want them full time. After all 'they're not her problem' are they.

God help the woman who is step-mother to your kids. You are oozing bitterness from your posts. The fact that you need to make up scenarios to ooze the bitterness is laughable. Keep going. How dare you put all those expectations onto a step-mother, how fucking dare you.

notlucreziaborgia · 16/08/2023 14:59

fullbloom87 · 16/08/2023 14:53

@howshouldibehave what part of don't marry a man who comes with baggage don't you get?

You really seem to think this is something you’re in a position to dictate. You’re not.