who is being unreasonable? new job and children

[interestingly8]

Would like to keep this unbiased if possible.

Sarah and Ben have two children together and are separated. Ben is now married to Claire (B&C also now have young children of their own).

S&Bs children stay with B&C 2 nights one week and 3 the next currently. The week with 3 nights is over the weekend and the week with 2 is during the week.

Ben works, Claire is a SAHM and Sarah has been studying for the past number of years around her part time job.

Sarah has now qualified and is beginning a new job which will involve shift work meaning the her and Ben's children's normal contact schedule will need to change and follow Sarah's shift patterns rather than set days that they now have. This will inc upping contact to 3 nights every week whilst Sarah works. Ben is saying this is not possible as he's already arranged his work around the schedule they have had for years and cannot change this dependant on Sarah's shifts for that week. He has agreed to up contact to 3 nights per week but has said these must be set days.

Sarah has suggested Claire help if Ben is not around on one of the days, Claire has said no and agrees with Ben the contact schedule should remain the same as its what everyone has worked around for years Inc the children.

Who is being unreasonable?

Sarah for saying contact needs to follow her shifts instead of being set from now on and if Ben can't do that maybe Claire could help out. YANBU

Ben and Claire for insisting contact should follow the same schedule as normal and be set, not change week by week (although they do agree to up to 3 nights per week). YABU

What's also good for children is to be raised by adults who put their best interests at the forefront and ignore their petty bitterness.

You can’t plan anything though if it’s a changing schedule each week with hardly any notice.
At minute dad has arranged to see his kids say Mon and Tues so agreed early finishing work, can book them into activities as he can take them eg 7 yr old can go to brownies on a Tuesday. Claire knows rest of week is free and can arrange to take little ones out for day, meet friends or do their activities eg choosing Thurs not Mon for swim lessons.
Sarah now says it’s Wed and Thurs this week. Dad barely sees them as those are his work late days to make up Mon and Tues short hours. 7 yr old misses brownies. Weds Claire has to drag the little ones out past bed time to get 11yr old from scouts as dad has a commitment he agreed to when kids were mon and tues. Thurs Claire was taking little ones to zoo been arranged for weeks now has to rush back to get 7 year old at 3.30pm.
As a one off if Sarah in hospital you’d do it but week in week out it’s not in anyone’s best interests inc kids.
They can’t accept any invitations or book any trips as they don’t know who will have the kids. You can’t function like that.
eg work Christmas do is a Friday. Claire gets her mum to babysit the 2 little ones. Week before Sarah announces she’s working Fri, party been booked for 6 months.

Yes, it’s patently clear you think second wives and families should be punished just for existing.

@fullbloom87 but Ben and Claire aren't refusing to help they are happy having the kids 6 days out of 14. They just want to have regular days. That isn't unreasonable. Ben may not have a flexible job, many people don't. If I were Ben and Claire I might be saying we will have the kids full time and you can have them when you are not working and we have nothing arranged and then Sarah has to pay them cms

Sarah is being unreasonable. In most jobs you can't chop and change hours as and when, the pattern needs to be set each week. If Sarah cannot manage the agreed hours one week, she needs to amke alternative childcare arrangements. It is not Claires responsibility to pick up any slack.
Sarah is definitely BU

Sorry but you are bang out of order!! Set days is fair and better for the kids and on the days you have them and you're working
You sort childcare.

No one is bitter …. But one set needs a set in stone routine and not have to change every few weeks due to Sarah’s shifts.

Its the Ops problem to solve.

@sweeneytoddsrazor

But if Claire isn't prepared to take on her stepchildren who are also her children's siblings unless Ben is around then I highly doubt she'll want them full time. After all 'they're not her problem' are they.

I also assumed it was Sarah based on the tone of the way it was written!

It’s not in the childrens best interests to constantly chop and change days and possibly barely see dad some weeks if contact falls on his longer working days.

Where has that been said ?
All Claire has said is that she wants set days which is a perfectly reasonable request.

there is zero evidence of petty bitterness

OP has got qualifications and a nice new job. Unfortunately she has been let down in terms of what to do with her children when she has to work and they aren't with their father.

Their father has agreed to have them another day, but has requested a stable schedule due to his other children and wife

This is a perfectly reasonable request. And from what i have seen OP has taken it on board and will check if she can have more stable shifts.

@BarbieWorldFantastic

But what difference does a 7 and 11 year old make to their week? I don't get it. She already has young children so just bring them along or look after them at home along with the other 2.
She knew Ben had kids so she agreed to take on the responsibility when she married him. What did she think would happen? She'd Marry him and give him a new family and he'd forget his other kids? What if Sarah fell ill? Would she put them in care on the days it didn't suit her?.

No ifs and buts, when you marry someone with kids who become a parent. Their kids don't get shoved out just because you're marrying their dad.

Why are you guessing that?

what’s that based on? Claire said she would do help with the kids…..if it was set days.

Nowhere is there a hint Ben or Claire wouldn’t be willing to do 50% or more on a set schedule.

But what difference does a 7 and 11 year old make to their week? I don't get it. She already has young children so just bring them along or look after them at home along with the other 2.

Seriously???!?!?

But what difference does a 7 and 11 year old make to their week? I don't get it. She already has young children so just bring them along or look after them at home along with the other 2.

You're joking, right?

If they had them full-time they would be able to plan.

It's the inconsistent shift pattern that is the issue. The older children are at school. The younger two are still tiny. School-aged children means anything she wants to do with the younger two will have to fit around drop-offs and pick-ups. And it means dragging the babies out in the evening for activities for the older two.

It's impossible to plan anything when you don't know what children you will have with you at any one time.

You can’t be for real…. You simple can’t see how a extra 2 kids effects someone?

You are being dramatic. No one is getting shoved off. You sounds ridiculous

and no Claire doesn’t have to take them in as her own ever! It doesn’t matter if she married their dad! She does not have to take any responsibility for them!!

there are some absolute batshit replies on here. @Dixiechickonhols has posted a few possible and not outlandish scenarios up there.

And all the "Claire will refuse..." bollocks. CLAIRE IS PARTNERSHIP THAT HAS AGREED TO AN EXTRA DAY PER WEEK

This whole thing is nobody's fault. But some of the ridiculous posturing here is just bizarre.

@Brefugee
. Not all jobs work to a 9-5 schedule on set days. A lot of professions are required as an as and when basis. Especially in emergency healthcare. Sarahs career shouldn't be dictated to by her ex and his wife.

You seem determined to prove Claire is the problem @fullbloom87. She is perfectly happy to have the children with Ben 6 days out of 14 and presumably that includes school holidays when he is working. What she doesn't want to do is not be able to make plans for herself and DC because they have to keep getting cancelled for Sarah's shift pattern. If Claire picks them up when Ben has to work because Sarah's shift that week is when he is at work, does Sarah just expect that Ben will then give up one of his days with the kids so Sarah doesn't miss out on time.with them?

No ifs and buts, when you marry someone with kids who become a parent.

You keep posting this, but it’s not true. Step parent means you are married to someone who previously had children. Look it up in the dictionary. Any other responsibilities are worked out between the parties involved but you do not automatically become responsible for existing children when you marry. Many parents would not want this, for a start. Just because this is what you believe should be the case, does not make it true.

Not sure why you’ve turned this thread into a crusade against second wives, it’s nothing to do with Claire, as Op has agreed.

@BarbieWorldFantastic

Yes she does. The marriage won't last because Claire will never lovingly accept Bens Kids as his own and as soon as they become teenagers and start to realise Claire isn't accepting of them as her own, the cracks will appear.

Moral of the story is don't marry someone with kids unless you're prepared to accept their children and all that comes with it.

Again with the silly answers. Should Claire's career be dictated by Sarah's (new) career?

They have to sit together and find the compromise that works for all of them. Sarah is the instigator so to me she has the slightly higher requirement to find a solution, but only very slightly since she did have a solution that has fallen through.

Claire is on Mat leave, she won't be "on tap" for ever, and shouldn't have to be.

Ben is doing his best but his job can't be dictated to by Sarah's (new) job. In fact he already works 2 short days to accommodate his responsibilities as it is. Now his employer has to be super flexible? I mean - mine would be, and in Claire's shoes I'd say "i can probably have them if i don't already have plans" but I wouldn't be missing out on trips out or whatever just in case.

🤣🤣🤣